After being a parent, the most shameful thing is that the child is ill. You wish you could bear the disease for your children, but there is nothing you can do. The pain is unbearable. There is an Australian father named Ruth Harris. Before the age of 40, he had a successful career, a happy marriage, considerate friends and a happy life. But all this fell into endless gloom with the birth of his lovely son. When the child 1 1 month old, he was diagnosed with autism, and Harris' world collapsed.
Grief and pain overwhelmed Harris, who was crying and had never been so desperate. Fortunately, Harris is a psychologist and an ACT trainer who accepts commitment therapy. He quickly adjusted his state, helped himself out of the emotional whirlpool and began to actively participate in his son's autism treatment. In this process, he combined ACT therapy with his own experience and wrote a new book, The Trap of Life: How to Deal with the darkest moment in life, to comfort those friends who were also "beaten" by life.
The "Five Stages of Sorrow" is a famous theory put forward by Dr. Elizabeth Kubleros, specifically: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These five stages apply to all types of losses, blows, crises and injuries. But these stages are not strictly corresponding and accurately divided, and the order is not immutable. They may also be intertwined and come and go.
Harris went through these five stages repeatedly in the few months when his son was just diagnosed with autism. The painful torture made him physically and mentally exhausted and miserable.
Writing here, I really feel the same way. It is the same as when my son was diagnosed with strabismus by the doctor when he was born for 3 months. My first reaction at that time was, "It must be false, and the doctor must have made a mistake!" I ran with my son in my arms several times. Our local big hospital said yes, but I don't believe it.
At that time, I was really angry and complained that God was unfair. Why should my child suffer such punishment? Later, I resented that I didn't take good care of myself during my pregnancy, which harmed my children and made me stay in Lacrimosa all day.
In pain, I began to look up all kinds of ophthalmology materials on the internet and consult doctors everywhere, and found that there is a kind of "false strabismus" that is not a disease. Because some children look squint because of their low noses, they can grow up at the age of 2. Holding a glimmer of hope, holding the child's nose every day, hoping to get better.
Until the child was 2 1 month old, I gave up this fantasy and accepted the reality. I took my children to Shanghai to start a long journey of seeking medical treatment, put on glasses for correction and amblyopia training, and my eyes finally got better at the age of 4. My heart is no longer pulling, so I can have a good sleep.
I really went through this "five stages of sadness" again and again like Harris. Talking about the past now, the clouds are light and the wind is light, but it was really painful at that time. Like Harris, I have learned to be strong, brave and responsible from the blow of life, and I know a little about ophthalmology after a long illness and have helped other parents like me.
People who stand up after being crushed by life have a very long and tortuous road to psychological healing. It's a pity that I didn't read The Trap of Life at that time. If I had known how to comfort myself psychologically, I might have lost a lot of tears.
Harris is a trainer and stress management expert in commitment therapy. Facing the darkest moment, he was more calm and rational, and used psychological methods to help him defeat the "devil". In this book "The Trap of Life", he summarized the scheme into four steps, namely:
Be kind to yourself
Just be good to yourself. But it's easier said than done. Because the default setting of the human brain is vitriolic, critical, indifferent or self-critical (especially when you think those mistakes are your own making).
In life, when many mothers take care of their children, if the children accidentally encounter accidents, it is easy to have painful self-blame, and more seriously, it will lead to tragedy. Some time ago, I watched a very sad news, because grandma was doing farm work and the children ran out to play. As a result, a pair of twins unfortunately drowned. Grandma was so sad and blamed herself that she jumped into the river while her family was not looking.
Therefore, if you want to heal yourself, the first step is to be kind to yourself, learn to care about yourself, give yourself friendly and gentle support, and understand and comfort yourself as others.
Drop the anchor point
Simply put, it is mindfulness. Help you pull yourself back to reality from distant pain and focus on the present. How to drop the anchor point? Harris here recommends doing an exercise of "turning into a tree", which will calm you down in 5 to 10 seconds.
This exercise can be done anytime and anywhere, and it can help you get back to the present from negative emotions immediately.
Select a location.
Life kisses me with pain, but I still hold a song. No matter what kind of suffering and torture we encounter, we can choose our own position: surrender or do something more meaningful? Only by giving dignity to suffering can we gain the courage and determination to move forward.
Dr. Huang, a doctoral thesis that was popular on the Internet before, gave us a good lesson. It was difficult and arduous, and you succeeded. He came step by step from the small mountain village and reached the peak of knowledge. The meaning given by suffering is extraordinary and inspires future generations.
As long as you like, you can also live as a beam of light like Huang.
Let's review his touching words of thanks:
Discover the treasure
Harris said that when you put the first three steps into practice, we will enter a different psychological space, where we can find and appreciate all the treasures that life has given us.
I don't know if you still remember a girl named Liao Zhi in the Wenchuan earthquake. She was a dance teacher, but she lost her legs in the earthquake. No one can imagine that one day, she will stand up again and dance in the spotlight with her prosthetic legs.
After her rebirth, she no longer avoided the fact of amputation, showed off her prosthetic limbs, wore skirts to go shopping, took her children to play games and participated in various social activities. She said: "Suffering will not change people's lives, but life can change lives." Prosthetics don't prevent her from discovering all the good things in life. Liao Zhi's eyes are full of sunshine, because she has a husband who loves her, lovely and lively children, and so many friends who care about and love her.
If you are experiencing the darkest moment in your life and are trapped by pain, anxiety, despair, depression and complaints, you might as well read Harris's book The Trap of Life, and you will find that there is more than one way to live, and any gift of life is a gift. Finally, I tell you the good news. With the efforts of parents and doctors, Harris' son's autism has improved significantly. There are still many challenges in the future, but I believe that beauty can be expected.