At this time, I met the circle mother and the book "Regular Dharma". I read this book twice in a row, participated in the online micro-classroom of circle mom's positive discipline and two other teachers, and then participated in the positive discipline class of circle mom. After reading and training, my concept and behavior have changed a lot.
First, the change of ideas.
I have been hoping to find a way to discipline children in books before, and found that doting is wrong, but being strict seems inappropriate. I also tried to reason patiently with my child, but when I was very young, she didn't understand. When I was older, she stopped listening and finally became very powerful. I don't know any other way of discipline except being strict and spoiled.
After reading Positive Discipline, I found that my starting point was wrong. There is a small chapter in the book, the title is: "Win the child, don't win the child." From this, I understand that what I need to learn is not how to discipline children, but how to get along with them.
No matter whether the mode of getting along is severe or spoiled, the relationship between parents and children is not equal, but a relationship of control and being controlled. When parents want to control their children, they will find that you can't do it at all, because the child is an independent individual, Ta has its own judgment logic, and Ta's behavior and thoughts are not controlled by anyone. Similarly, parents will not be controlled by their children, and doting can only be temporary. When parents can't meet their children's needs, contradictions will happen again. Therefore, it is usually parents who waver between severity and connivance, but no matter which one, it will only lead to conflict in the end and will not help solve the problem.
Positive discipline is a kind of equal and respectful coexistence mode, which advocates the parallel of kindness and firmness. Kindness here means respecting children, not beating and cursing, not preaching, not blaming; Firmness here means respecting the situation, respecting yourself and not breaking the rules. Positive discipline is different from strict methods. Parents make rules and children must abide by them. It is also different from the spoiled method, and there are no rules at all; It is that parents and children make rules that are beneficial to both sides, and make adjustments and optimizations on the premise that both sides reach an understanding according to the situation. It can cultivate children's qualities of being brave in taking responsibility, being good at solving problems and being willing to cooperate with others.
Second, the change of behavior.
Before facing positive discipline, I also read several books on parenting, including some books that I agree with very much, but after reading them, I still don't know what to do in specific situations, or I can't get the same effect by the same method. Positive discipline provides 52 tools, which are easy to operate and suitable for children of all ages. Examples also include various common problems in life.
The book analyzes the four wrong purposes behind children's bad behavior, which makes us understand that children's bad behavior is seeking a sense of value and belonging, but there is something wrong with the expression. It also analyzes the influence of parents' four different attitudes towards life on their children, so that we can know ourselves better.
When children have bad behavior, I think the most difficult thing is to control their emotions. Only when the mood is stable will he calmly think about the purpose behind the child's behavior and understand and respect the child. Positive discipline provides such an emotional management tool, which is called "active pause". When you realize that you are very excited, tell your child how you feel. You need to be alone for a while, then walk away and return to your child when your emotions calm down. Doing so can not only deal with their emotions, but also teach children how to manage their emotions.
After dealing with the emotions of both sides, we will solve the problem. Positive discipline provides tools to focus on solving problems, including "four steps to win cooperation", "3Rs to focus on solving problems", "heuristic questions (instead of direct notification)" and so on. These tools help to encourage children to use their own strength, participate in solving problems in a constructive and contributing way, and cultivate their sense of responsibility and problem-solving ability.
Positive discipline not only tells me how to get along with children, but also teaches me how to get along with myself, for example, by actively suspending the management of my emotions, identifying my feelings through emotional masks, and forgiving myself by taking mistakes as a good opportunity to learn and grow. At the same time, the communication and listening skills mentioned in active discipline also taught me how to get along with my family, friends and colleagues. This book has brought me a lot of gains, full of positive energy, and even people around me have seen and appreciated my changes. I thank my children for making me want to grow up. I am grateful to meet my mother, meet positive discipline and meet another myself.
Reference book:
"Positive Discipline" jane nelsen Linlott Beijing United Publishing Company