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Let's read it carefully together:
Listen, everyone, let's continue reading psychological classics and get happiness and success. The books we shared before belong to the "personal growth" series. Starting today, we will enter the "Marriage and Family" series, and read "How a new family shapes people" first. First of all, let me talk about the author's magical experience-
I want to be a detective.
A young woman's father loved her deeply, but died while she was pregnant. She mourned the passing of a life and ushered in a new one. The baby girl was named Virginia Satya. In the following five years, she welcomed a newborn twin brother, a younger sister and a younger brother.
From then on, little Satya lived in a chaotic and indifferent family: his mother, who was overwhelmed by life, suffered from depression, and his father, who drank too much all day, was pitiful. While taking care of her four younger brothers and sisters, she carefully hides her emotions and protects herself. At the age of five, little Satya made up her mind to be a "child detective" when she grew up, spying on her parents and solving the mystery in her family.
At the age of 20, Satya became a primary school principal. In order to better understand the students, her family visited the students and began to study social work, and obtained a master's degree in "Social Work".
After more than ten years, Satya became a psychotherapist. One day, she received a young woman who was diagnosed with schizophrenia. After half a year's treatment, the patient's condition has greatly improved. But then, Satya received a phone call from the patient's mother: "I want to sue you for alienating the feelings between our mother and daughter!" "The lady accused. However, Satya did not understand her words literally, but recognized the request implied in her voice. So, she invited the lady and her daughter to participate in psychotherapy together. After a period of time, the young woman's condition gradually improved. So Satya invited her father to join in. Unexpectedly, the smooth treatment relationship collapsed again.
"Is there anyone else in your family?" Satya keenly discovered the core of the problem, and finally, his son, whom his family called "Gymboree", appeared. When Satya asked family members to perform this scene, Gymboree stood in a chair, his parents worshipped him, and his sister huddled in a corner. .....................................................................................................................................
Virginia Satya, a child who dreamed of becoming a "family detective" since she was a child, not only got out of the shadow of her family background and got rid of the hardships of life, but also became a pioneering psychologist. You know, before Satya, all psychotherapy was "one-on-one", psychoanalysis advocated meeting family members alone, and Satya creatively brought "change" into the whole family, making change more growth and systematic.
Have we shared Owen before? Aaron's autobiography "Be Me", in which he recalled: "Every Friday for a whole year, I went to Satya's joint family therapy class for a whole day, and I admired the effect of family therapy more and more."
In 1970s, American Psychiatric Association listed 2 1 most influential psychotherapists, including Rogers of humanism, Baker of cognitive behavior school, Irvin Yalom of group therapy, Eriksson of hypnotherapy, etc. Satya is the only one of them. She is known as "everyone's family therapist".
Datura of self
Have you ever seen Datura? It is a circle, concentric circles from small to large. Satya uses "Datura" to represent a sacred and dignified person-she includes eight concentric circles, each of which represents a valuable resource:
The first lap is the body. Imagine your body. As the owner, have you met its needs? When you are hungry, tired or stressed, your body will send out a signal. Are you aware of it and react to it?
The second circle is intelligence, which is the cognitive part of your mind. For example, what rules have you accepted at home? How do you learn new things? After you receive information, how do you give them meaning?
The third circle is emotion. What emotions often come to your mind? How do you express your feelings? Can you be kind to your every emotion? Or will you suppress or ignore certain emotions?
The fourth circle is the senses. Your eyes, ears, skin, tongue and nose. Many people were taught when they were young that they could only see what they should see, listen to what they should hear and touch what they should touch. So many people limit their senses.
The fifth circle is the relationship. How do you interact with people around you? How do you use interpersonal influence? In interpersonal relationships, humor and concern are two good medicines to cure pain.
The sixth circle is the environment. That is, the space where you live, as well as color, sound, temperature and so on. A good environment can boost your energy, and vice versa.
The seventh circle is nutrition. Do you know your constitution? What nutrition do you need? At different ages and seasons, we all need to adjust the nutritional structure.
The eighth circle is the heart, which refers to our spiritual world. What do you think of life? Do you have reverence and gratitude for your life?
The above eight parts are valuable resources for each of us. They are not independent, but interrelated and interdependent. For example, when you feel the care and acceptance of your family, you are not only happy, but also witty and relaxed. On the contrary, some teenagers can't get nourishment from the "relationship" level after conflicts with their families, and they are easy to fall into internet addiction and seek sensory stimulation to fill their inner emptiness.
If one day you feel low energy, try to choose one or two of the eight diagrams, which can effectively replenish energy, such as: from the sensory level-eating a delicious meal, or watching a movie; From the relationship level-talk to girlfriends or family; Or from the physical level-go outdoors for two laps and be a Chinese medicine moxibustion; You can also find a quiet place to meditate and draw energy from the environment and mind.
Change is always possible.
During a treatment, satya told a short story to a patient who kept complaining-
There was a Jew who always complained that his room was too small and crowded. So he went to the local priest for help. After listening to this man's story carefully, the priest told him, "I can give you a solution, but you must do as I say."
"No problem!" The man readily agreed.
"My child, now go out and buy yourself a goat and let it live with your family in that room. After half a year, come and tell me what has changed in your life. " The priest said.
Confused as he was, the pious man did as the priest said. Half a year later, he told the priest: Since the goat lived with his family, life has become worse!
After listening to his story, the priest ordered, "Go and buy another goat and put it in the house."
Although unhappy, the man did it. Half a year later, he came back and complained: how uncomfortable it is for her mother-in-law, children, wife and two goats to live in a small room.
"Go and buy another goat," the priest continued. The pious man did it again. Half a year later, he came back, complaining and complaining. This time, the priest told him, "sell these three goats and come back in six weeks."
When the man came back again, he told the priest with a big smile: how great changes have taken place in his home, how big living space they have, and how satisfied and happy he and his family are about it.
In this story, Satya shows how great the individual's perception will change through humorous metaphors. The same situation, from different angles, can produce new cognition. Satya often said: change is always possible, even if the external change is limited, the internal change will certainly happen.
Play "three games" under the umbrella
Satya regards "communication" as a huge umbrella, which covers and affects everything that happens in human society. Below, we will share three games related to "communication".
The first game: communication is silent. When you looked at me face to face, although I didn't say a word, in fact, the communication began: my appearance, my voice and the smell I gave off made your brain work according to previous experience: well, you smelled perfume on me-you might judge that I was a nightclub singer, and I was a little disgusted and didn't want to talk to me; You may also judge from my perfume that I am a neat girl, so you will try to strike up a conversation with me.
Communication between people will always be influenced by people and things in the past, and most of the time, we don't notice it. A wife took her husband as her father and asked him to take care of herself in every possible way. They have lived together for more than 30 years. Finally, the husband couldn't bear it anymore and shouted at his wife, "I'm not your father!" " "If you like a person very strongly, or hate a person, it may have nothing to do with him, but something about him' evokes' your feelings and makes another person or thing in the past affect your relationship.
The second game: keep pace with the times. Everyone has been involved with their families in one way or another, and slowly, a kind of pain has formed in their hearts. Yes, we need to end these remaining disputes. Satya put forward a little game "keep pace with the times", so that family members can honestly share their feelings and opinions about something, instead of falling into doubts and injuries about the past. For example,
"Two weeks ago that week, I asked you to go for a walk together, and later I didn't go to see you because I forgot about it. You know, I didn't mean to. I really want to keep my promise. "
"Last night, you chose someone else instead of me. I am very unhappy. Can you tell me why? "
In the game of "keeping pace with the times", speaking your inner whispers not only eliminates previous misunderstandings, but also deepens mutual understanding and feelings.
Scene 3: The voice is out of tune?
Satya recalled: Once, a mother and son came to my office. The mother accused her son very loudly: "You are always yelling." The son calmly replied, "aren't you yelling now?" Mother didn't admit it at the time. It happened that my tape recorder was on, so I let her listen to her own voice. After listening, she said seriously, "My God, that woman's voice is so loud!" " "
Our voices, like musical instruments, are sometimes beautiful and sometimes harsh, especially when teaching children or blaming others at home. Sometimes when I hear my calm husband reprimand my daughter angrily, I will tremble and reflect on myself: "My temper is even more impatient than him. Usually the noise is getting higher and higher, what a pollution it is to my daughter and family! "
Children are very sensitive to sounds when they are in their mother's womb or when they are young. Sometimes, children simply can't hear what their parents say. They just hear sharp or irritable tones, and their emotional brains will immediately go crazy and their thinking will stagnate. Therefore, we often emphasize the "three principles of communication": have something to say; Have something to say; Say the important things three times. Say it again-have something to say; Have something to say; Say the important things three times.
Ok, let's review the main content of this episode:
First, "I want to be a detective". We learned from Satya's bumpy growth experience that hope is an important force for change. The "family detective" bravely explored the patient's family system, making the "change" more lasting and profound.
Secondly, each of us is a beautiful "Datura", including eight important parts, which are equally important, interrelated and interdependent.
Besides, change is always possible. Think of that pious man who bought goats again and again and stuffed them into a small room. Change comes from the outside as well as from the inside.
Finally, under the umbrella of "communication", we shared three games: communication is silent, and the two started inner communication without speaking; Keep pace with the times, find a time to talk to each other at home about the little puzzles and entanglements in your heart; And "Is the voice out of tune?" Record your voice one day and listen to whether it needs to be changed.
Ladies and gentlemen, the little question left for you in this episode is: Look at your mandala, which dimensions need to be supplemented?
Earlier, we shared the growth experience of the author Satya, the story of three goats, and three small games related to "communication", fully feeling that hope is an important force for change; And change is always possible, even if the external change is limited, the internal change will certainly happen. When we study psychology, we have a deeper understanding of ourselves, others and interpersonal relationships, and then we realize: internal harmony, interpersonal harmony and world peace.
Now, we are curious and eager to discover more family secrets-
The first secret: Is your family healthy?
Observing whether a person is healthy can be done by "looking, listening and asking".
To observe whether a family is healthy, we can take these four phenomena into account:
One is self-worth: how one feels and thinks about oneself.
One is communication: how do family members convey information?
One is the family system: what rules do people follow to feel and act at home?
The other is the connection with society: what is the relationship between family members and society?
In the hit drama Elite Lawyer, the hero lawyer robing is confident and wise, and his sister Luo Qi is credulous and suspicious. She suspects her ex-husband and current husband, and even thinks that her brother is plotting with others. When Luo Qi communicated with his family, he either complained strangely, cried and said that it was not easy for him, or went on the rampage if he didn't agree. Luo Qi has a strong principle in his mind: I am right, I am weak, and you must help me.
It can be seen that in a family with problems: a member's sense of self-worth is very low; The communication between families is rigid or emotional, and family rules are rigid.
In a healthy and energetic family, we can see:
Every member has a high sense of self-worth;
Family communication is direct, clear and sincere;
Flexible and humanized family rules;
The connection between family and society is open and full of hope.
The second secret: Is your communication effective?
People will have different coping styles under pressure or conflict. Imagine that I just hurt your arm. In the face of angry you, I have the following different reactions:
One is: I look down at the ground, wring my hands and say, "Please forgive me, I'm just a clumsy idiot." This is a flattering response.
One is: I retorted loudly, "God, how could I touch your arm!" " ! Next time you take your hand away, so I won't touch it! "This is the way to deal with allegations.
There is another reaction: I looked at you quietly and said, "I accidentally bumped into your arm when I passed by." If your arm is hurt, please contact my lawyer. " This cold response is super rational.
There is another reaction: I swept your face, looked at the others and said, "Hey, someone is crazy, it must have been hit." This is the way to interrupt.
There is also a "consistent" coping style. I looked at you and said sincerely, "I'm very sorry, I bumped into you." Do you have any pain here? "
Among the above five coping styles, flatterers always try to please each other and care about the situation, but they often suppress their emotions and needs, which is very harmful to their health. 50% people often adopt flattering coping styles. Accusers are used to venting their feelings to others. They often blame each other: "You always do that …" "Why don't you ever …" and so on. These people are about 30%.
Under the "consistent" coping style, people not only express their feelings and ideas, but also take care of each other's needs and specific situations. The relationship between people is equal and sincere. Satya found in long-term practice that only about 4% people can maintain consistent communication under pressure.
The third secret: Is your relationship harmonious?
Tell a short story. Manuel and Alicia got married. Before marriage, Manuel took care of his own finances and Alicia took care of her own money. But after marriage, they have to make an important decision: who will manage the money?
Manuel said confidently: "I am the man in the family, and I will naturally manage the money. In my family, my father is always like this. "
Alicia sarcastically said, "Can you do that? You always spend money like water! I thought I was in charge of accounts. In my family, my mother takes care of the accounts. "
Manuel responded coldly: "I am your husband. If you love me, you will naturally ask me to take care of the accounts. "
Alicia was a little scared: "Oh, of course I love you! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Don't talk about it again. Come, give me a kiss. "
After listening to the newlyweds' words, do you think it will lead to more love or more suspicion and dissatisfaction? Love, self-worth and family finance are independent topics. You don't have a high sense of self-worth, and you have to manage accounts or have power at home; It's not because I love you that I have to give up my choice. Before marriage, everyone has his own understanding of money, freedom and responsibility. But after marriage, besides you and me, we should also consider "us"-how to deal with money, how to enjoy freedom, how to take responsibility, and so on. This is a communication process, not copying your rules or my family's model.
Please remember that every couple's relationship contains three parts: you, me and us. These three parts are very important and need their own space. Whether the initial love between husband and wife can continue to be sweet depends on how you operate these three parts.
If you have the following ideas and practices, you are in trouble-
If you love me, you will do as I say.
If you love me, then you will give me what I want.
If you love me, you should know what I want before I tell you.
All these behaviors turn love into a kind of blackmail or manipulation. If a person's sense of self-worth is not high, he will rely on others' praise, attention, recognition or money. Moreover, if all this is associated with "love me", it will kill "intimacy"
The fourth secret: Are you a good parent?
It is said that an unmarried psychologist wrote a paper entitled "12 Necessary conditions for how to raise children". Later, when I got married and had children, I changed the topic to "12 Suggestions on how to raise children". After giving birth to the second child, he changed the topic to "12 tips on how to raise children". When the third child was born, he simply gave up the topic of his thesis.
After reading this interesting story, I learned three things from it:
First of all, there are no rules that must be followed in raising children, only some guidance or tips. Moreover, every child is unique, and parents should adjust flexibly according to the characteristics of their children.
Secondly, parents are the hardest, most complicated and sweetest job in the world. Moreover, we are basically "undocumented", and we are anxious to deal with all kinds of things as parents after giving birth. Fortunately, Satya put forward a very warm belief: every parent did his best and did his best.
Furthermore, even as parents, there are many things that we have not learned or learned well. For example, how to manage your emotions? How to express your true thoughts? How to deal with the relationship with money? How to establish intimate relationship? Someone once joked that being a parent is like having a "magic mirror", and you can often see that you are disgusting or lack of knowledge. Then, wise parents should become students and grow up with their children.
Although I am not as wise as my mother, I learned "don't be jealous, appreciate others sincerely" during the 12 years with my daughter. Learned "don't struggle, cry for a while and then find something happy"; But I haven't learned how to manage my anger and anxiety. Hey, take your time. Being a parent is a lifelong practice. ......
Tell me another short story. Elaine, the young mother, scrimped and saved for several months and bought a beautiful doll for her six-year-old daughter. The mother was very sad that her daughter was indifferent. Satya listened to Elaine's complaint and asked, "Is this doll what you want or what your daughter wants?" In a flash, Elaine realized that this doll was actually what she longed for since she was a child, but she never had it. She gave her daughter what she thought was the best wish, hoping that she could be as excited as herself. But ... Satya said softly, "Elaine, you can buy yourself a doll." Then, see what your daughter needs? " Elaine smiled. "She actually has a lot of dolls. Maybe she'd rather get a sled. "
Every adult has some secret unfulfilled wishes. Usually, we pass on these unfulfilled wishes to our children. For example, a precious gift, an unfulfilled college dream, or a missed regret. These experiences from the past to today may bury "unreasonable expectations."
The fifth secret: What stage is your family in?
Satya extracted ten important stages of family: each stage means crisis and temporary anxiety, which needs to be re-integrated.
The first stage is conception, pregnancy and the birth of a child. The family was surprised and confused.
In the second stage, children begin to use intelligent language, which brings many surprises, perhaps a little embarrassment, to the family.
In the third stage, children go to school. When the school enters the family, there are countless interactions among teachers, parents and children, which require us to make great adjustments with wisdom and patience.
In the fourth stage, the child enters adolescence. Especially when adolescent children meet menopausal parents, a series of disputes and conflicts involve every family member.
In the fifth stage, children grow up and leave home independently. There is often a great sense of loss at this stage. I remember my sister and I went to college in other places one after another, and my mother retired at home. She experienced depression for more than two years.
In the sixth stage, when young people get married, their spouses will be accepted by the family as strange elements. Is it to integrate into a new big family, or to struggle in the dark? At this stage, we need the love and wisdom of every family member.
The seventh stage is the arrival of female "menopause". Life has taken an important turning point here, which also means that a brand-new world will be opened.
The eighth stage is "menopause", when people's sexual ability declines, they will feel a psychological crisis of loss and confusion.
The ninth stage is to become grandparents. While enjoying the privilege, people are easy to fall into a series of traps: are they enjoying the new life of their families or losing their freedom?
In the tenth stage, death comes to one spouse, and then to the other. How to face illness, death and loneliness, we will face an important proposition in life.
These stages will be encountered by every family. If you can understand what is happening at this moment, then you may feel a little relaxed and better know which direction to make changes.
A long time ago, my husband and I imagined our old age together and shared our old photos.
A Qin's picture shows a man sitting on the beach fishing, a dog squatting at his feet, and a wooden house not far away. "Is there me in the photo?" I asked him. "No." He said quietly.
My picture is: in a beautiful place, I sit at the foot of the mountain and give a lecture, surrounded by many students. "Is there me in it?" Dysprosium asked. "No." I smiled and said, "occasionally, I go to the seaside to find you, and you come to the mountains to find me."
When a picture of old age appears in our mind, what we think and do now is to draw lines and color that picture. We need to supplement not only money and health, but also self-worth, coping skills and interpersonal relationships.
Well, in retrospect, today, we explored five family-related secrets:
The first secret, how to judge whether a family is healthy? Take the pulse from four aspects: members' sense of self-worth, communication style, family rules and the connection between family and society;
The second secret, how to communicate consistently? Don't please, don't blame, don't make trouble without reason, don't interrupt;
The third secret, how to make the relationship between husband and wife closer? Be sure to remember three parts: you, me and us;
The fourth secret, how to be a good parent? Learn from your children, grow up and accept your own shortcomings;
The fifth secret, what stage is your family in? Ten key stages, each stage will have a little crisis and need to be re-integrated.
Dear listeners, in this episode, please think about it: What are your usual coping styles under pressure? Is there anything that needs to change?