After a casual look, I had a meal-a girl named Ma, born in 1990, a college student in Nanjing, 12 hanged herself in the early morning of March. On March 18, Weibo was sent out by the time machine, "I have depression, so I will die. There is no important reason, so you don't have to care about my leaving. Bye. "
This incident caused a great sensation at that time. Maybe at that time, people knew about a "new" disease, depression, and a sketch made fun of Xiao Cui with depression.
About the life of "Zou Fan", I read it carefully for a noon, but I couldn't calm down for a long time and my heart ached. Now I'm forwarding it to you. This is also a study of patients with depression, which may be enlightening:
"Zou Fan" is actually just an empty shell of hers. She is trying to protect herself by teasing the world. Ma Jing Ma (Zou Fan's good friend) suddenly remembered Zou Fan's words: "Being alive is very tiring, and dying is liberation." In the university dormitory, Zou Fan dialed her mother's phone for the last time, and she cried as usual. Rice mother comforted her, "actually, I think you are very brave." This made her cry even more-"It seems that she will wander far away tomorrow". I want to kill myself. The idea recurred in her mind for at least two years. She tried, failed and regretted, but another force in her body kept reminding herself: "Only by imagining her own various deaths can she ease her mood. Only when you really die can you really get rid of it. " That strength comes from depression-her "close friend". She often thinks, "When she is happy, she hides in the corner, and when she is unhappy, she will accompany you." It was also the devil hidden in her heart, who squandered her talent and took her life.
When my mother introduced me to others, the last sentence must be "This child is introverted (don't dislike her like a bookworm)". Then I was silent and immersed in my own world. My mother is very nice.
March 26th, 20 12, 8th day after Zou Fan's death. Ozu bought the last pair of socks for his sister to wear at the funeral the next day. On the Weibo that day, people were paying homage to the poet Haizi. Twenty-three years ago, he lay quietly on the tracks of Shanhaiguan, ending his life at the age of 26. People found a suicide note in his coat pocket: "My death has nothing to do with anyone".
"I am depressed, so I am going to die. There is no important reason. You don't have to care about my leaving. Bye. " -These 33 understated death words were sent by Weibo's regular sending tool the day after Zou Fan's death, and were forwarded more than 80,000 times in the following ten days.
After a meal, the college roommate suddenly realized that she suddenly had too many questions about her former best friend. "It seems that no one in this world really knows how to eat." Ma said.
And her brother didn't realize how much he knew about her sister until he saw her Weibo.
At first, he attributed this to the "generation gap". His elder sister is 6 years old. She is as introverted as her sister. She couldn't say a word for a long time, and she was as delicate and sensitive as her parents.
He searched his sister's computer for a suicide note, but found nothing: "Where did all her ideas come from?"
Parents don't seem to understand the sensitivity of brothers and sisters. In high school, Ozu (brother) left home to study and rarely went back. My sister wrote on the most intimate trumpet in Weibo, "My brother and I are always fidgety when we get home, and nothing is pleasing to the eye. Now that he is running outside, I inherit his traditional sleep. "
Zou Fan's home is in Liuhe District, Nanjing. /kloc-When he was 0/6 years old, Zou Fan left home like his brother and went to the main city of Nanjing to attend high school alone. In this middle school, which is known as one of the four famous schools in Nanjing, the students with excellent grades in junior high schools in the town have average grades. None of the teachers and classmates in those days remembered such a girl who didn't like to talk.
I complained to my friends when I was walking: I have no sense of existence. But in life, she likes to hide herself, like an invisible person.
My younger brother, Ozu, later heard from his family that when he was a freshman in high school, his sister got mild depression and took medicine to see a doctor, and her condition quickly improved.
Because she is too introverted, the teacher likes to arrange her talkative classmates to sit with her. That's how sweets became her best friend. She found that in fact, as long as they are familiar with each other, they will talk more.
This girl, who is very quiet in front of outsiders, actually hides a lot of things inside. After a heated discussion among friends, Zou Fan suddenly inserted a conclusion that was regarded as a classic, which amused everyone. She also got a nickname-"Cold Smile". But later, happiness became her luxury.
I'm not interested in the things I fear most, such as posting this Weibo. -Have a meal.
In 2005, Hunan Satellite TV's Super Girl was the second. BiBi Zhou won the national runner-up all the way from Guangzhou Division. She likes to eat rice. Since then, she has been wearing "pen and pencil" black-rimmed glasses.
Ozu never understood his sister worship. He felt that this madness had taken her to extremes.
Zou Fan once chased BiBi Zhou to Hangzhou, Shanghai, Guangzhou and Beijing. At the most fanatical time, in order to save money to buy everything related to idols, she only went to the canteen to order a 50-cent shredded potato, a 50-cent cabbage and 30-cent rice at noon every day. Sesame sauce and soy milk powder were used for breakfast and dinner.
When I was a freshman, my weight dropped from 100 kilograms to 90 kilograms. She often scrimps and saves for the next few months, just to go to a concert in BiBi Zhou. In a strange city, she and her "pen pal" huddled in a hotel for eight people. "In those days, she was most worried about having no money."
But in my junior year, I suddenly felt that I didn't care about "pen" as before.
This is a series of "worship" activities. One morning, I woke up after dinner and watched everything about BiBi Zhou on my mobile phone. Suddenly I feel that I have lost all my feelings for her. BiBi Zhou is her spiritual sustenance, and she cries for it.
She went to the Internet cafe in despair and watched BiBi Zhou's video. After watching it all afternoon, she felt as if she had come back, but many of them were still missing. She felt as if she had changed her head, from a person who was obsessed with everything to this. She felt terrible.
Life itself is a process of suicide. -Have a meal.
After that, Zou Fan seriously mentioned "death" to his girlfriend for the first time on the phone. She said simply, "I just want to tell you, lest you don't know how I died when I die."
A few months ago, Zou Fan really tried to commit suicide.
That semester, many students in the class failed, and Zou Fan became one of them. At one time, she was very anxious, fearing that she would not even get her diploma.
She began to plan the "ending" for herself two or three days in advance, bought a network cable, calculated the time when she could be alone in the dormitory, and planned to hang herself in the dormitory. Later, she described the mood of preparing for death at that time-"very excited, very happy and looking forward to it."
Her "soul" only left for more than ten minutes. When she woke up from a coma, she found herself lying on the floor of the dormitory. The dormitory is empty, and she is still the only one. In a blur, she vaguely saw the broken network cable by the bed.
She climbed into bed and cried and called, just saying that she had fallen out of bed. She was also ashamed and thought it was wrong, but she couldn't help herself and wanted to die-because of this, she was "happy when she wanted to die."
Later, such thoughts of "death" often appeared in her mind.
In class, she will fantasize about the scene in "Death Comes", "The fan falls, falls, falls, falls, falls ..."
When taking the subway, she will fantasize that there is a huge monster suddenly, picking up the front of the car and throwing the whole subway out like a whip. "Where will I be dumped, or will I die in the carriage?"
Lying in bed, she will fantasize about putting a hook on the top of the room and hanging a wire to let her die quietly in the room. "My mother fell asleep next door. Absolutely safe. I racked my brains to find a way to hang myself. "
"Is there such a thing as meaning?"
-Have a meal.
At that time, the depression of eating had recurred. An inexplicable sadness enveloped her, making the whole world seem to have lost its meaning.
Every night, her mood becomes very bad, and she has the idea of seeing a doctor the next day. "I don't want to be cured, but I am curious about how far I am now." But the next day, her ass didn't want to move at all. ...
In two years, she changed three drugs. These drugs can help her secrete "happy hormones" at first, but after that, only side effects remain. Her hands began to shake uncontrollably like Parkinson's patients. Once you don't take medicine, you will be depressed.
Insomnia also began to bother her. While taking antidepressants, she also takes sleeping pills to sleep every day. But at night, her mind seems to be still flying. She began to organize jokes at night and send them to Weibo. Those words are sensitive and poetic.
Every once in a while, she will delete a lot, and sometimes even just fill in a complete Weibo, and delete it all before it is sent out.
She likes horror movies more and more. It seems that if she doesn't look at them for a few days, her nerves will numb and her mind will dry up. Later, she liked the American TV series The Walking Dead, and changed Weibo's name "Fan Xiao" to "The Walking Dead" and later changed it to "The Walking Dead". Ma Jing Ma remembers that she once said, "If I can become a zombie, I will leave a body in this world to drink blood and eat meat without thinking."
At the age of 22, for the last time in my life, I began to go to Weibo and squandered my talents without stint:
"Biscuits smile at me, bananas smile at me, yogurt smiles at me, and pine jujube cakes smile at me. They won't feel alive until I go home. I am very glad that I saved people again and smiled. "
"Today, someone told me,' I won't command blindly, so as not to delay your future.' Damn, I can add the word' future' after' mine'. I feel so cautious and want to cry! "
……
In Weibo, it seems that the whole world can be amused by this 22-year-old girl's poetic words. The netizen said that her thinking is a bit like 30 years old and she has experienced a lot, but all her friends in reality know that "she will hold you like a little girl and feel insecure."
My best friend also found that Zou Fan was in a bad mood in Weibo, but when she called her, Zou Fan always said, "Nothing." She feels that she has been "forbearing". Usually when someone tells her to do something, she doesn't want to, but she will do it silently. Ma suggested to her, "Sometimes you should explode or you should explode. You can't keep it in your heart all the time. " Instead, he comforted her: "It's okay. I have always been like this. I am used to it. "
It is useless for you to comfort me with the sentences I used to comfort you. Why can't you understand this, my kind and naive girl.
-Have a meal.
For a time, she always mentioned to her best friend: "Euthanasia is not painful, but it is very expensive"; "Sleeping pills can't be eaten at all, that's to swell your stomach and give people time to rescue"; "It takes a long time to cut your wrist before you die"; "It's a lie to say on TV that you spit out your tongue, but you can't spit." ...
"What are you doing studying these?" The horse was surprised.
"Interesting. Think about what you will be like in the future. " Answer after a meal.
To outsiders, she thinks Zou Fan is strong, but no one knows her fragile side. The "thinking" of the rice-eating population actually thinks a lot. She heard that Zou Fan even told netizens that she was worried that her death in the dormitory would cast a shadow on her classmates-but at that time, no one would take this "prediction" seriously.
She secretly wrote in Weibo's trumpet: "Nothing can comfort me. The result of chatting hopefully with people is all useless words I say in my heart, and then I can't cry. Suddenly feel in the challenge limit ... "
Recently, I talked to myself in Evil Forces. Just now, I handed the plastic bag I had finished breakfast in my right hand to my left hand and blurted out "Here you are".
-Have a meal.
20 1 1 In the second half of the year, Zou Fan changed the QQ signature to: Please go with the patient.
She began to pay attention to many people on Weibo, people with similar feelings. This group of people attracted each other through the sense of smell of words, and naturally became a small circle. Some of them are depressed people who eat like rice, and some just make jokes about death to show off-they all say that "death is a beautiful thing."
After Zou Fan's death, someone wrote in Weibo: "I heard your news 28 hours ago, and I trembled and cried after putting down the phone. For you and for yourself, you tell me that everything will be fine in the future. At that time, you were a walking corpse and I was a sick wife. I still tell you not to use valium. You said you would try my Gu Weiwei B 1. In the back, I thought you could jump. You will jump. But you still gave up the struggle. "
Weibo's trumpet, after a meal, was discovered by more people a week after her death. It's a place where she hides in another world outside Weibo and has food. When she was shaping the world, since she wanted to communicate with people, she didn't want people to enter her world.
"Many things are illusions, and the one in the trumpet is her true self." My best friend said, "When she is in a good mood, she may actually be in the worst mood. What she shows you is optimism, and you have no idea how painful she is. "
What is holding the heart? Why can't you feel its weight? If I transplant a heart, will I feel lighter or heavier than before? -Have a meal.
Happiness is a luxury for the real self in the heart of eating. "Being alive is very tiring, and dying is a relief."
20 1 1 September, severe depression has made her unable to read. Her memory was also affected. Sometimes, even if she takes the medicine, she will forget it. She tried to make herself better, but the other one in her heart was more resistant. She has been suffering for a long time, but she still has no will to get better.
That semester, she failed in the exam again, and she was so nervous that she had a stomachache at the thought of making up the exam. The doctor asked her to consider quitting school, but she couldn't bear it. She thinks that doctors are "alarmist", and more importantly, even if they drop out of school, they will not get better.
"I can't accept myself like this, but as soon as I tell myself to work hard, I feel better to die." Zou Fan once said such things to his girlfriend.
In the last year of her college life, constant paper revision began to torture her again. On the Saturday when she left, she should have prepared PPT for her thesis defense seven days later. Depression made her tell herself repeatedly, "I'm useless, I'm useless." After her death, the teacher told her family that she actually wrote a good paper.
My mother once advised her not to force herself to "just sit until graduation", but it made her even more "can't stand me being so useless". She thinks that her mother's requirements for her in primary school are above 90 points, junior high school is above 70 points, and high school is good. Now, all her mother asks of her is "to live".
In the world of eating rice, it seems that only my mother has been telling her "don't die, don't die", and she also thinks that "only she can get into trouble". But it made her feel even more sorry for her mother: "It's no fun to live like this. I don't even know what's interesting now. " "I just want to leave quickly and leave her alone."
The way to make me not hate taking the subway is to let the subway fly in the sky, all of it.
-Have a meal.
Catering University is located at the southern end of the main urban area of Nanjing. For students, the subway is the only connection between the school and the city center. Longmian Avenue Station, which is the nearest to the school, is hung in the sky by an elevated bridge. If at night, subway lights fly by in the night sky, it's really like "flying in the sky".
On 20 12, Zou Fan began to practice in a bank in Nanjing. From the university in Jiangning to the unit in Xinjiekou, she takes a black taxi every day and then takes the 16 subway station. Continuous insomnia makes her depressed and she will fall asleep as soon as she gets on the bus. She often sits in the station, or simply sits in the wrong direction.
Walking around hates the subway, and I hate going to work. She is afraid of making mistakes every day, but once, she lost her access card at work.
Mom said, hold on for three months.
I'm afraid I won't last half a month. She doesn't want to work, she just wants to go home. Later, when I called my mother every day, she cried. ...
My brother ozu doesn't know this. He only remembers that on Friday, my sister suddenly sent him a short message saying that she had made a mistake in the company.
No one knows if this is the last straw to overwhelm the dinner.
March 17 is a Saturday, and the rainy days in the past few days have not dispersed. The "close friend" came to accompany her again.
Only this time, she specially bought a nylon rope, one end tied to the upper handrail and the other end tied with "liberation".