Because I was treated rudely and unkindly from childhood, I was often confused and uneasy when I was a child. As an adult, I secretly vowed that I would at least be a competent and good mother even if I accomplished nothing all my life.
After having a daughter, I hold back all my energy and wish to pour all my love into my daughter. When I was young, I didn't wear clothes that fit me. Now I dress my daughter in beautiful clothes. As soon as the first children's clothing store in the city opened, I went to buy a small skirt for my daughter. One year during the Spring Festival, I saw a beautiful little skirt. I still remember more than 260 yuan. My monthly salary at that time was over 800 yuan. While hesitating, I saw their advertising words: Better life, start from childhood! I bought it without hesitation. I hope my daughter's life is beautiful and rich from the beginning! I try my best to cook delicious food for my daughter. In order to make a reasonable nutrition match, I attended a nutrition course and easily got the qualification of an intermediate dietitian. From then on, even a simple breakfast is reasonably matched and vegetarian dishes are suitable. ...
However, sometimes it backfires. My daughter has no requirements for dressing since she was a child. She never pretends to be beautiful and feels sorry for herself in the mirror like other little girls. Even now, her classmates ask her for help and money to buy clothes for her family. Every time she wants to buy clothes for her, she says no impatiently. Why buy so many clothes? As for eating, she has almost become a pure carnivore, eating only meat and vegetables like poison. ...
I began to reflect on myself and found myself really overcorrected. I'm afraid my daughter will get hurt after eating. I have taken care of everything she should do and teach herself. Too much management has caused her daughter's poor self-care ability, which is much more naive than children of the same age. Her teacher said that she was like a little princess from a fairy tale, but life was not a fairy tale. Although I hope I can be a firewall between my family and her daughter, isolating all the bad factors. However, the mother's sternness is engraved in her bones and flows in her blood. She couldn't help finding fault and wouldn't let her do it when she was a child. When she grew up, she felt that she couldn't do it well either, because my picky and beautiful daughter was not confident enough.
This made her suffer a lot when she left home for college. It was not until the teacher called me and told me not to put too much pressure on my child that I realized what harm I had unintentionally done to my daughter. So I deeply and painfully reflected on myself and talked to my daughter many times. First, because of her poor self-care ability, she has to spend a lot of time in her life. Second, she entered the German major with an English score of 138, and didn't know until she took the exam once. Her English level is actually below average, which makes her always excellent. Some of her classmates have lived in the United States since childhood and speak English as fluently as their mother tongue, while some students from big cities have actually studied German for many years and can talk directly in German. She feels inferior and anxious in front of such a strong student, and I don't know the situation at all, so I hope she can get the exchange student quota, which makes her more nervous and anxious. It wasn't until the teacher told me the truth that I found that my demands on my daughter were too high, so I quickly changed my strategy and comforted her: "I'm sorry that my mother didn't understand the situation and asked you for it, but now that my mother knows, you should try to relax, don't compare with your classmates, as long as you keep improving on your own basis." Take care of your life first, and then graduate smoothly. Even if you are the worst, it is not difficult to find a job with your school diploma. What is there to worry about? "My daughter relaxed her mood, but she quickly adapted to school life, and the gap with her classmates became narrower and narrower. Since then, I have been reflecting on myself, trying to let her handle her own affairs and make her own decisions on major issues. My daughter is much more sensible and works harder than before.
Although she will still call me my annoying mother on the phone, she will also talk to me heart-to-heart about her studies, her hobbies and her troubles. This makes me feel gratified, but at the same time, I feel it is necessary to constantly adjust my psychology and attitude with her growth and love her in the way she needs.
It's really difficult to be a good mother and give her children proper and moderate love, but I think true maternal love must be selfless and give everything, but nothing but the happiness of the children.
You can't love too little or too much. If you love too little, your child will be hurt psychologically. A child who lacks love in childhood, like an invisible disabled person, has a huge desolate black hole in his heart and needs long-term self-repair and self-repair in adulthood. This is a time-consuming and laborious work, which requires great patience and wisdom. Some people may never recover. If you love too much, it is easy to go wrong. Some people have children in middle age and spoil them too much. She just thinks that her son is the smartest and most beautiful child in the world. He is a real TV fan. But her child is three years old and can hardly say anything. As long as he doesn't like it, he will cry for it, because crying can achieve any purpose. Her son often spends his days crying intermittently ... this degree is difficult to master, but it is really selfless, even as a mother, which can be seen from the concept that many parents have to raise their children to prevent old age; And those parents who interfere with their children's everything are no longer love, but satisfy their children's desire for possession and control; What's more, raising children is just to double the requirements in the future. That's not raising children, that's doing business. I just want to raise a little money and earn a little.
For example, some time ago, Jane Zhang's mother accused her future son-in-law Feng Ke in an open letter. Although Zhang's mother has repeatedly said that she is good for her daughter, I still want to slap her daughter in front of hundreds of millions of people. It's hard to say that she doesn't have her own career. Judging from Zhang's growing experience, her mother obviously has a strong desire for control. In Zhang Ailing's masterpiece The Golden Lock, Cao's mother's desire for control has gone against the sky. In order to control the children, she did not hesitate to let them take opium and break up their marriage. Her maternal love turned into a hell on earth!
It is said that philosopher Fromm is one of the best thinkers to analyze the relationship between mother and child. He believes that the real essence of maternal love is to care about the growth of children, and the ultimate goal is to separate children from themselves.
The process of children's growth is the gradual separation of mother and child. In fact, this is no different from other animals. However, we human beings often boast of the spirit of all things, and easily erase the thoughts and feelings of other animals with the word "instinct". Their spirit and wisdom, love and hate, but are humans really better than animals' "instinct" in loving children? I have seen a lioness drive her cubs out of her territory when they are adults. At that time, tears welled up in her eyes, and the lioness blinked frequently, watching the lion go away step by step. Her eyes are not without attachment and affection, but she knows that only by brutally expelling it for the sake of the child can it grow into a real lion! However, we humans claim to be smart, but we can't rationally leave our children, especially in the one-child family. Children are very adaptable. Sometimes it's not that children refuse to be separated, but that parents are unwilling and unwilling to be separated from their children, which eventually hurts the children.
A mother I know dotes on her daughter very much. Even after her daughter gets married, she loves her daughter very much, either letting her daughter live in her parents' home or in her own home. When the daughter gave birth to a child, her husband's family was probably a little unhappy when they saw that it was a daughter. She quit and took her daughter back to her parents' house to wait on her. The son-in-law has come to pick her up. She said angrily, "Your family doesn't like it. Our family is precious!" My daughter is going to have a mother to help take care of the children at her parents' house, regardless of anything. She was afraid that her daughter would suffer and her granddaughter would suffer indignities, so her daughter lived with her children for many years. Later, her son-in-law got a second child certificate and took her daughter back to have a second child. Whether to have a baby or not is a matter for the young couple, but she stuck her nose in it and insisted on not having a baby, saying that she wanted to have a son, and her granddaughter had no status. Just dragging it. Later, I heard that my son-in-law was having an affair. Relatives and friends advised her to let her daughter go back quickly. She is still very car-scrapping. Soon, the son-in-law filed for divorce, and the daughter refused to leave anyway and was in a hurry to go back. It never rains but it pours. She found out that she was terminally ill and was lying in bed worrying about her daughter. Just then, she heard that her son-in-law was going to be promoted and there were children outside. In a rage, she dragged her sick body with her daughter and made a scene in the son-in-law unit. The son-in-law was punished and there was no hope of promotion. She was also sent to a small county. She thought that her son-in-law was not satisfied at work and no one would want a divorce. Who knows that people submitted a divorce indictment to the court and directly handled the pregnant mistress. And her daughter cried in front of her bed all day, complaining that she ruined her marriage and happiness. I don't know how she swallowed her last breath. What a painful lesson!
I think a proper maternal love should be a journey like this:
When the child is still a child, it is actually cool and necessary for you to pay close attention to and accompany her, tell her stories, show love, play games with her, take her to distant places and travel with young children ... In this period, it is never too much to give her all the kisses and hugs you can give her. Every kiss will arouse her crisp smile, and every hug will make her steps firmer and her eyes brighter.
When she grows into a little boy, treat him as a little adult, give him equal respect, and maintain his little self-confidence and self-esteem. Don't bother, but when he calls you, you will be there!
When he entered the rebellious period, he was like a small powder keg. All you can do is concentrate and don't touch it! Because if you are not careful, this little powder keg will explode, affecting you and hurting himself, so don't bother him, leave him alone. At this time, he needs to close the door often and need a little secret, just like a molting snake needs to find a quiet and hidden place and face the crazy growth of youth alone! Don't try to spy on the cat with its curiosity, let alone break into houses, rummage through schoolbags, peek at diaries, and find out news, making yourself very low!
Daughter's rebellious period to the second day, clever daughter seems to be a different person. I joked that my daughter was Su Like Daji who was eaten by a fox one night, and she also flew into a rage. Every day when she comes home from school, she seems to be full of nameless career fire. No matter what I say, it will cause her to be aggressive. You said she insisted on the west, but later I simply said less. A friend told me that her sweet-talking son now wants to choke to death. That day, she was so angry that she was about to hit her. Before she put down her raised hand, her son caught her and threw it away coldly. She said she was scared at that moment. I know she is strong, nagging and likes to start working. She advised her, "whoever is not lost in youth will eventually fall into the pit." Better put it in front of us. It's better to fall off in your teens. " And even if you know there is a pit ahead, don't say anything to remind him. If you don't remind him that he is lucky, he will pass by. If you remind him that he jumped, the best way is to shut up! "
And when he passes the rebellious period, you are getting older and older. Take back the eyes tied to him for yourself! This is a wonderful time in your life, both for you and your children. At this time, he should be in college, in his prime of life, and you are not too poor or too old. Do what you like! Reserve enough health, money, wisdom and peace for your old age! Don't be reluctant to let go of the thread in your hand and try to control it remotely, so that he will always be a kite and can't produce inner strength. The desire to fly will make him a free bird, fly as far as he wants and fly as high as he wants. The best thing you can do is to use your quiet middle age to make his youth colorful and fragrant-colorful.
When he has a small family of his own, you will be a sensible old man. You can do your best to help your children, and you don't have to feel guilty when you can't help them. But don't expect your children to support you like the emperor. Don't always talk about how I raised you. Hens are really like this. You should be grateful to your children for spending the most abundant and fulfilling surprises with you in your life. Your self-care, healthy and happy life is the greatest love and contribution to your children.
Yes, true maternal love is like this: pay moderately, quit at the right time, and continue to love deeply after quitting. True maternal love is that as long as I live in this world, no matter what achievements my child has made, how long she has gone, what grievances she has suffered and what setbacks she has encountered, as long as she turns around and goes home, there will be a warm embrace waiting for her. ...
I whispered: maternal love in the text actually refers to the love of parents. For the convenience of writing, he and she are common, and children are treated equally.