"Puppy love" is a local concept in contemporary China. It is defined as the love behavior between teenagers who are not completely independent in life and economy and still have a long time to get married.
Second, "puppy love" is the concept of growth.
From the psychological point of view, a teenager has developed from being used to accepting the love, care and care of his parents to loving, caring and caring for another unrelated opposite sex, which is a kind of psychological growth. Being concerned by the opposite sex for a long time, burning day and night for the opposite sex, being loved and loving people is also the best psychological experience in life. This kind of experience often sublimates into respect for life, responsibility for lover and understanding of happiness in life. This is the progress of cognition.
From a sociological point of view, teenagers are eager for the exchange of the opposite sex. The communication of the opposite sex brings the complementarity of intelligence, personality and feelings, and at the same time makes them compare the differences between same-sex communication and opposite-sex communication, learn the way of communication, and grasp the scale of feelings. Once they develop from group communication to one-on-one communication and love relationship, they will bear all kinds of hints from the social environment and encounter layers of constraints of moral norms and social customs. They will have to examine their emotional experiences, judge whether their actions are right or wrong, imagine the consequences of persisting, giving up, compromising, resisting or changing their communication methods, and choose appropriate countermeasures that are acceptable to the environment without betraying their feelings. Their values and social maturity will be severely tested. Life problems force them to speed up the pace of socialization.
Experience "puppy love", no matter what the result is, love becomes a driving force or a resistance, no matter how much it affects academic performance and graduation, how the parties pay for it. From the whole process of life, this early arrival of love will always provide both positive and negative references for the parties and accelerate their social maturity.
Thirdly, puppy love is a dynamic concept.
"puppy love" is a development process in which boys and girls change after the interaction of emotion and behavior: the interaction of reason and emotion; The interaction between human's natural attribute and social attribution; The interaction between boys' attack and girls' defense; Boys are infatuated with girls-they may gradually enter love from friendship, and then return to friendship from love; They may suddenly fall in love from unrequited love to unrequited love; They may fall in love at first sight, but suddenly they are like passers-by because of a little thing. There are 100 love stories and 100 dynamic love processes. Although the process is varied, one feature is the same: instability. It is because of instability that there are so many vows of eternal love. "Puppy love" is, after all, the love of a psychologically immature teenager, and it is always in a change that makes it difficult for him to grasp.
The dynamic process of "puppy love" is influenced by parent-child interaction, teacher-student interaction and student-student interaction, forming a nonlinear development and change. Teachers' attitude, parents' position and classmates' evaluation will greatly affect the development and change of "puppy love". It can even be said that both men and women complete the process of "puppy love" in the interaction of parents, teachers and students. The teacher's calm handling can turn the story of falling in love for the first time into a story of returning to a friendly family. Of course, it may also be that the teacher arbitrarily accused the friendship between the two sides of being in the same boat. Parents' patience, trust and respect may remind children to reflect on their emotional choices; The impatient interrogation and rude interference of parents may catalyze the simple classmate relationship into a lover relationship that depends on each other; Students' indifference to "puppy love" may make lovers jump out of intoxication and learn introspection and self-discipline, while students' envy and contempt for "puppy love" may quickly promote or disintegrate this relationship.
It can be seen that the process of "puppy love" is not within the grasp of both parties in love, but the process of interaction between the parties and the environment to create youth growth. The outcome of puppy love is uncertain. Middle school students describe themselves like this: the love of youth is just a paper butterfly in my hand, which will blow away in the wind, sink in the rain and burn in the fire. Experienced class teachers often say: a push may lead to puppy love; Pull, pull back friendship. This just shows the uncertain characteristics of the interaction between internal and external factors in the dynamic development of "puppy love"
Fourthly, puppy love is an unscientific concept.
"Puppy love" is a reflective, deductive and critical qualitative expression of adult love phenomenon in middle school students' heterosexual communication. It is an unscientific concept created by adults who misunderstand middle school students' heterosexual communication and middle school students' love.
The concept of "puppy love" will first guide people to make a simple judgment on this phenomenon. The concept of "puppy love" itself shows that this tendency is bad or wrong. In fact, every case should be analyzed in detail: puppy love will become the driving force of learning and encourage them to enter the university; Puppy love will become a resistance to learning, which will lead them to be tired of learning, drop out of school, be closed and feel inferior; It can precipitate warm memories; Or it can freeze into a terrible nightmare. For example, puppy love became a beautiful couple after ten years. Eating forbidden fruit, teachers' intervention, parents' sadness and gossip are all witnesses of their loyal love, and they don't regret their choice. Another example: love is forced to terminate the relationship, take a few years off, and start a new heterosexual relationship after college or work. By this time, they have accumulated their own experience in choosing their ideal life partner. Another example: dog lovers stubbornly resist external interference. They firmly believe that they can't see the rainbow without going through the storm, but the ending is elopement, pregnancy, abortion and double suicide. In short, the more they know about puppy love cases, the more they realize the instability and uncertainty of puppy love, and the less they can simply define it as good or bad, right or wrong. Specific cases should be analyzed in detail. In the evaluation, there are often positive and negative, advantages and disadvantages, and the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. Only dialectical analysis can conform to objective reality.
"Puppy love" has been waving in the middle school campus for many years, but it has never been recognized by middle school students. Its makers are journalists, novelists and some parents, while theoretical researchers still cautiously refuse to use it. The concept of "puppy love" focuses people's attention on being a judge, but ignores an important fact; One of the reasons why middle school students fall in love is that adults can't treat this phenomenon correctly, which intensifies the instability and uncertainty of puppy love. We forget that the development of middle school students' love is often completed in the interaction between children and adults, and the advantages and disadvantages brought by middle school students' love often depend on the guidance of adults. Adults are an important environment for children to communicate with the opposite sex. Adults can use their feelings, words, ideas and behaviors to promote the growth of young people. Parents and teachers can share emotional happiness with their children, bear setbacks, develop reasonable stories and solve this difficult problem of youth. Facing the prospect, the relationship is still difficult to predict. Qualitative is not the main thing, what matters is guidance. Sticking the label of "puppy love" everywhere will bring misunderstanding, prejudice and harm to the public, cause tension between teachers and students, parent-child relationship and create "adversity" for children's growth.
In my opinion, it is better not to use puppy love with caution. I advocate using the neutral concept of middle school students' love, which is neither derogatory nor rewarding.
Prohibition of alcohol is not a good policy.
This has been the case for many years. In the face of middle school students' love, adults say: resolutely ban! The reasons are also very good: the child is physically developing, psychologically immature, his studies are not over, his career has not been chosen, his economy is not independent, and he is not ready to start a family and have children. At this time, there was a love affair, and there was still a period of time before the legal marriage age. It is really forbidden to waste energy, delay study and affect the future.
However, what is the objective effect of the ban? Years of practice have proved that there are prohibitions! The incidence of middle school students' love continues to rise, becoming universal and younger in some cities, and even opening up in some middle schools. Some teachers have to admit: "What you forbid and what he loves can't be controlled at all." Some middle school students said: "No way, you are not allowed." Some teachers complained: "The reason why it is not prohibited is because the sexual and physical development of middle school students is advanced, because social media stimulates neutral information too frequently. Some students said, "Don't blame others, the most important reason is that our feelings are not respected, and teachers and parents don't treat us as human beings! " "
In the hearts of adults, we lack respect for the laws of human development, "student-oriented development" and human differences, and we really don't have a deep understanding. When implementing the "prohibition" policy, there are indeed mistakes in expansion. You know, the sexual physiological development of middle school students has reached a peak, and their sexual psychology has developed rapidly. With the enhancement of their adult consciousness and independent consciousness, their vertical interpersonal relationship (with parents and teachers) is gradually relaxed, and their horizontal interpersonal relationship (with classmates) is gradually strengthened. While they are having same-sex classmates, they also begin to try to communicate with opposite-sex classmates. The sudden increase of sex hormones in the body makes them unable to get rid of their curiosity about heterosexual communication. -This is an inevitable natural law for all juvenile groups of different races, regions and cultural backgrounds at all times and in all countries, unless they are confined to a single gender environment (monk temples, nuns and prisons). Of course, heterosexual communication is not love, but there are personality differences among individuals in juvenile groups. Within the scope of social friendship, heterosexual communication is difficult to keep dynamic. There are always some boys and girls who break through social recognition and enter one-on-one secret communication. In this way, they developed from friendship to a hazy state that is stronger than friendship and lighter than love, and entered the love stage in too close communication. They are pioneers in the youth group. Ten years later, other students will also enter the love season one after another. I think it is normal for middle school students not to fall in love, and it is normal for middle school students to fall in love.
It should be pointed out that some areas and some families lack a relaxed environment for heterosexual communication; Some schools lack standardized positive guidance for heterosexual communication; Some teachers and most parents have a rather general, nervous and neurotic definition of middle school students' love. Everyone looks like puppy love. Many teachers and parents lack respect for students' differences and are not allowed to have differences. They always like "one size fits all", have no equal communication with the parties, give more suggestions and listen less, and discuss less orders. Some teachers don't have the concept of protecting personal privacy, and some families are abused and beaten for it. The reason why parents brutally interfere with their own flesh and blood is because these parents righteously think that beating is pain, scolding is love, and hitting Yuanyang with a stick is hurting feelings. It is worthwhile to get high marks and high education. The child's feelings are nothing. After all, we are in a modern society, facing a new generation that spans 2 1 century, and our education on heterosexual communication still stays in the middle of the 20th century! We lack democratic consciousness, the concept of "student-oriented development", long-term vision and concern for students' happiness all their lives, and always focus on one thing with great utilitarianism.
6. acquiescence is a kind of dereliction of duty.
Since prohibition is not good, should acquiescence be full democracy and full respect? It is said that parents in Europe and America often share happiness with their children when they find their children in love, praising their daughters as "sexy" and their sons as "charming". If daughters go out to see their boyfriends on weekends, their mothers will remind them to "wear condoms"-I think these foreign mothers are not only acquiescent, but also conniving. Probably no Chinese mother is so relieved.
China's parents have a heavy psychological burden. When entering middle school, children's every move affects their parents' sight and they dare not relax for a moment. How precious it is to have a young girl at home. There are thousands of reasons why parents are not relaxed: there is only one child at home, and if something goes wrong with him, the whole family will have no hope; He is a minor and I have the responsibility of guardianship; Children are simply curious, but the social environment is too complicated; At present, the pressure of entering a higher school is too great, the competition is fierce, and sex is a waste of time; If the girl is pregnant and her future is ruined, can't I live?
Judging from the psychological needs of middle school students, students' love is the first time in life, which is both happy and uneasy, both happy and painful. At this time, the sensitive eyes and suspicious ears of the parties accepted too many environmental hints, and many expressions and words made them at a loss. They have grievances to talk about, doubts to analyze, and they really want a kind of help so that they don't give up their feelings and violate social norms. They are really eager for democracy and respect, but also for help and guidance. At this time, the class teacher and parents can't stand by and watch. Just acquiescence can't meet the growing needs of children. Acquiescence is a dereliction of duty.
Teaching students to master growth is the best policy.
What do you mean by grasping growth? Grasping growth is to let students learn to choose through experience and take responsibility in choosing. I advocate giving the initiative to students, so that boys and girls who have the initiative can feel self-esteem and self-discipline and gradually learn to choose.
Don't think that students are trained by preaching. Students grow through life experiences. Students experience the changes of love and hate, right and wrong judgment and behavior choice. Adults should support students to establish their own values in the experience and allow students to choose independently. Whether the mainstream culture and values advocated by teachers' parents can be recognized by students depends on the internalization process of students. When adult's cultural transmission collides with students' own life experience, only through their own comparison, selection, criticism and integration can they "internalize" their own values, understand "right", "shouldn't", "unworthy" and "do or not", have a code of conduct, be self-disciplined and know how to take responsibility. In this way, we can say that the student has grasped the growth of youth to a certain extent.
In this way, experience is a growth process of self-education. However, due to the different experience materials, our attitudes are also different. We divide the experience materials in middle schools into three categories: encouraging experience; Experiences that should be banned; Experience of protection and restriction.
The so-called encouragement of experience means that the experience materials are cultural knowledge, living ability, vocational skills and so on. We will encourage students to write articles and calculate problems, support them to ride bicycles, swim and play computer games, and use the direct experience gained to prove the indirect experience in books, thus building their own complete cognitive structure. Don't be afraid of children making mistakes, hurting their knees and choking. It's nothing. We should not deprive children of the right to make mistakes, because for children, like success, failure is also a part of growth, so our attitude towards such experiences is encouragement.
The so-called taboo experience refers to the experience of self-mutilation, self-abuse or harm to society in life, such as drug abuse, AIDS, suicide, murder, theft and so on. The consequences of this experience are unimaginable, and life only belongs to us once. It must be strictly prohibited, emphasizing respect for science, observing laws and regulations, obeying moral constraints, and never trying. So our attitude is strictly forbidden.
The so-called protected and restricted experience means that the experience material is a kind of interpersonal experience, including heterosexual communication. The first thing to emphasize is that we support this kind of experience, which is necessary and instructive. Learning communication is an important lesson for middle school students, especially for the only-child group. Exercise their coordination, cooperation, competition and self-protection ability in communication, and cultivate their good characters such as kindness, integrity, generosity and optimism, so that they can be accepted by society, families and schools, especially the exercise of heterosexual communication ability, which has a great influence on their happiness in marriage and family life in the future. Without the lessons of interpersonal communication, they may not be able to make up for this deficiency with great efforts in adulthood, because bad characters such as loneliness, inferiority, cowardice, paranoia, jealousy and unsociable will be rejected by the collective. The second point to emphasize is that interpersonal communication, especially heterosexual communication, is complicated and risky, and its development process and direction are unstable. These underage parties will encounter troubles anytime and anywhere, and they will face choices anytime and anywhere, such as: meeting affectionately; There was a thrilling "electric shock"; There is an anonymous love letter in the textbook; I heard all this by innuendo; Touched a soft nail after expressing love; Have an irresistible impulse to kiss; I found my mother following me; My period didn't come this month! Such experiences are often the first time in their lives. They have no experience, and they don't know what kind of chooser is the most suitable, let alone how things will develop and what responsibilities they will bear after choosing. How practical it would be if they had a standard of right and wrong judgment and behavior choice before making a choice! From an adult's point of view, if children are given certain protection and restrictions when experiencing heterosexual communication, can the risk be minimized?
The protection and restriction mentioned here refers to law, morality, school discipline, family rules and a healthy cultural environment, as well as scientific knowledge, introspection, self-discipline and caution. I think these are all restrictions that must be accepted in order to get protection, both protection and restrictions. Social laws, public morals, school discipline codes, family virtues and good customs, as well as a healthy cultural environment, are all asked to be protected and restricted by others; The introspection, self-discipline and cautious independence of scientific knowledge in students' minds are called self-protection and self-limitation. In my opinion, the most precious thing for children to grow up is to be able to protect themselves. Combining self-protection and self-restriction, students' heterosexual communication will be guaranteed by health and safety, and middle school students can learn to choose in heterosexual communication and know how to take responsibility in choosing.
The educational countermeasures I advocate for middle school students' love are-
Facing all students, vigorously promote friendly exchanges between middle school students; Personal love cannot be suppressed; Neither eager to be qualitative, nor can it replace students' choice; Encourage the parties to learn to choose and take responsibility; Teachers and parents should play the role of protection and restriction when the parties have difficulties in choosing.
Eight, the choice of middle school students, teachers and parents today.
The following phrases, although only a few words, are enough to reflect the high level of middle school students, teachers and parents today.
Every stage of life has its own tasks, and adolescence is not the season to sow love. Since it is spring, don't do anything in summer.
Life has ups and downs, and the love that fell in middle school will meet you ten years later.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. When you are a teenager, you don't have to rush to own a tree but lose a forest.
Love has responsibilities besides happiness.
We have pure feelings, but we can't guarantee each other's happiness.
Cherish the smile that comes early as a mirror to choose your lover after ten years.
There's nothing wrong with you. It's just not the right time. Let rational choice overcome perceptual impulse.
I thank my mother, who wrote down her emotional story in middle school and put it under my pillow.