These successive incidents all point to the same thing-"domestic violence".
Domestic violence is far from our situation. Chai Jing has a report called Silent Scream in Seeing. It reveals how women who have endured domestic violence for a long time are forced to despair and choose the latter between "being killed by domestic violence" and "killing the perpetrator". ?
This kind of incident is even more sad-because we have seen that domestic violence can even force the victim to become a criminal. At the end of the video, the victimized women advocate that the victims of domestic violence "don't be silent". Today, we also want to explain domestic violence from a psychological point of view.
Every three women, 1, have experienced intimate relationship violence.
In March this year, we conducted a survey on domestic violence. In 1 1979 questionnaires, 17.68% of women and1/0.95% of men have suffered from domestic violence. According to WHO's research results, the forms faced by women are more severe, and the proportion of women who suffer from intimate relationship violence in most countries is between 30% and 60%.
Domestic violence refers to a series of abuse or violence in intimate relationships with the purpose of gaining or maintaining power and control. Usually when most people think of domestic violence, their first impression will be bloody wounds, black bruises or scars. However, in fact, it does not necessarily show obvious scars.
According to the different forms of violence, domestic violence can be divided into five types: physical violence, sexual violence, emotional violence, economic violence and psychological violence, and various types of domestic violence can coexist. In the case of Guyuan, we can see the dual existence of sexual violence and physical violence. Physical abuse, compulsive behavior, intimidation, coercion, manipulation, economic control, humiliation, surveillance, isolation, coercion and blame may all be concrete manifestations of domestic violence.
More cruelly, it will be difficult for a large number of victims to leave this extremely harmful relationship. According to the data of the National Anti-Domestic Violence Alliance, the proportion of abused people who cannot leave completely is as high as 85% (Forbes, 20 10).
Many times, it is difficult for people to leave not only those who may hurt themselves, but also those who have already hurt themselves. According to the statistics of American Domestic Violence Hotline (20 13), an abused person has to try to leave seven times before he can really leave an abuser. A woman who has suffered from domestic violence said, "Every time I leave, it takes me a year to plan, tell others and ask for help until I forgive again (choose to stay)."
According to the data of the national domestic violence hotline, there are several reasons why the abused person does not leave the abusive relationship:
1. I didn't know you were violated-the trap of psychological manipulation
Victims often don't know that they are being subjected to violence, because many victims in abusive relationships fall into the trap of psychological manipulation.
Gaslighting is an image noun, which is used to explain the psychological manipulation trap of the abuser in psychological counseling of domestic violence. It can be understood as an attempt to rewrite ta's cognition of "reality" in order to change the behavior of others. Gaslighting's influence on victims is not just manipulation, but its goal is to change people's views on themselves and change themselves.
In domestic violence, there has always been a mysterious phenomenon, that is, every time violence occurs, the abused person is likely to be regarded as the "initiator" by the abuser-"It is because of you that I have done such an outrageous behavior" and "It is because of you that I have become like this".
When the abuser constantly accuses the victim of disappointing him, the victim is likely to have low self-confidence or self-esteem, and even believe that the abuser is right. At the same time, victims will develop some defense mechanisms, such as denying that they have been abused and minimizing abuse, so as to make themselves feel better temporarily. But in the long run, the victims may have serious psychological trauma, including depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.
In addition, many victims may have lived in an environment of domestic violence since childhood. They believe that domestic violence and abuse are normal and acceptable. This makes it easier for them to fall into the gas lamp behavior of abusers.
Some people do not want to leave because of love.
Many times, the victim can feel the love of the abuser. They have children with their families and the victims want to keep their families.
Abusers often do not show sadistic behavior at the beginning of a relationship, and they are very attractive. Many times, the victim may wish his partner could go back to the past. The expectation of many victims is to stop violence, not to end the relationship.
In fact, even if there is luck, the probability of being victimized is higher. At this time, what we have to think about is not whether we will be the lucky one, but "why should I let the danger happen to me?"
3. Fear of more victims
For a wider range of victims, "fear of more victims" is also a common reason for not leaving the abuser. There are some common scenes in life, such as making trouble at work, hurting the victim's parents and having to give up the plan to leave the abuser.
Writer Leslie Morgan Steiner said, "It is very dangerous to leave the abuser. Because violent relationships at home may eventually lead to murder. After the abused person ended the abusive relationship, nearly 80% of the murderous violence occurred. "
The damage caused by domestic violence is enormous. Despite the above situation, some victims even choose to burn everything. Chai Jing once wrote in the book See, "When I was in Oriental Time and Space, I read a report of the Law Society. Among the female violent recidivists in prisons around the country, the proportion of husband killing is very high, reaching more than 70% in some places. Behind every number are people-men, dead; Women who are alive are all felonies: suspended death, suspended death, indefinite life, indefinite life, indefinite life.
Why is domestic violence not the victim's fault?
Many people mistakenly believe that violence and abuse are due to the out-of-control of the abuser. But in fact, they are deliberately chosen by the abusers to control you. The abuser may grow up in a violent family, but no matter what his growth experience, he can't endorse his violent behavior.
Why do abusers have the ability to control their behavior?
Abusers choose their victims. They will not insult, threaten or hurt people who make them unhappy in their lives. Usually, they only abuse those close to them, those they claim to love.
Abusers will carefully choose when and where to abuse. They will control themselves until no one else will see their sadism. They behave normally in public and then abuse you when you are alone.
Abusers have the ability to stop their abusive behavior when it is beneficial to them. In most cases, abusers are not really out of control. Once the police show up or their boss calls, they can stop the abuse immediately.
Usually after abusing you, your partner will apologize and give some love gestures, which makes it difficult for you to leave this person. He will make you feel that you are the only person in the world who can help him, and he will tell you that you must change this time. He really loves you. However, maintaining this relationship can be dangerous.
Abusers use a series of strategies to manipulate you to exert their power:
Rule abusers need to feel that their intimate relationship is in their own hands. He will make a decision for you and this family, tell you what to do, and expect you to follow it without doubt. He may regard you as a servant, a child, or even all his possessions.
Humiliation-the abuser will do his best to make you feel bad about yourself and make you feel that you are flawed and inadequate in some ways. Because when you are in a bad mood and no one wants you except him, you are unlikely to leave.
Isolation-In order to increase your dependence on him, the abuser will cut you off from the outside world. He will prevent you from meeting friends and family, and even hinder your work and study. You need his permission no matter where you go or what you do.
Intimidation-There are many ways to intimidate you into giving in. Such as threatening gestures and expressions, breaking things in front of you, or picking up weapons to perform.
Denying and blaming abusers is very good at making excuses. They blame their abuse on their unhappy childhood, their bad mood today and even the victims themselves. Afterwards, your abuser will downplay what happened or simply deny it. They usually put the blame on you: it's all your fault.
There are many signs of abusive relationships. The most obvious signal is "You are afraid of your partner". If you feel that you are walking on thin ice with your partner, you should always pay attention to your words and deeds and avoid "screwing things up"-it is very likely that your relationship is unhealthy and abusive.
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What should we do in the face of frequent domestic violence?
After trauma in two cities, Chai Jing once said, "I have a feeling that the family is the smallest social unit. After the door creaks, how people treat people here determines the basic face of a society. " As more victims of domestic violence, women have more or less presented us with the cruelty of social culture, and it is always difficult for women to get rid of their weak position. The progress of the times has not been accompanied by the solution of domestic violence.
But that doesn't mean we can't do anything. Every victim has the ability and choice to seek help. You can leave this bad relationship or get yourself out of psychological trauma.
* If you are a victim of domestic violence:
1. Avoid escalating violence. Try not to talk back or resist him. You should realize that this is his problem, not yours. Try to face him calmly, without negative emotions, and always pay attention to your personal safety.
If you encounter a very dangerous or even life-threatening situation, you must find a safe place to call for first aid or call the police. It is recommended to prepare some self-defense things in advance, such as pepper spray, in case of emergency.
3. On the premise of protecting yourself, tell others what happened to you, including friends, family, your most trusted elders and so on. If you don't want to ask them for help right away, they know your situation and can pay more attention to your safety.
4. Keeping and collecting evidence and documents of abuse will help you to sue the abuser in the future. For example, take a miniature recording pen with you.
If you are ready, make a safety plan to end this relationship. This security plan includes:
Prepare a bag that can be picked up and left at any time, which contains all your documents and things that can last you for several nights. This bag must look ordinary, just like a cheap small bag.
Make an escape plan, including how to escape, when it is safest to escape, where to go after that, who can help me, and keep practicing myself before implementation.
6. After escaping from stability, contact the relevant departments as soon as possible to seek legal sanctions against the abuser.
7. Predict that you may be threatened by the abuser's phone, followed by others. Be prepared to change your phone number in advance, change the passwords of all online accounts that may show your address, and refuse to contact the abuser.
* If you suspect that the people around you have been abused, please come forward: even if you can't do anything but express your concern, you may let the victim know that there are others who care about ta, and this alone may save ta's life.
Do what:
Ask if there are any questions.
Express your concern.
Listen and confirm
Offer help
Support ta's decision
What not to do:
Don't wait for ta to come to you.
Don't judge, don't blame
Don't put pressure on ta.
Don't give opinions casually.
Don't attach conditions to your support
Remember, those abusers are very good at controlling their victims. The victims are depressed and often cut off contact with their friends. Recognizing warning signs and providing support may help ta escape from that relationship.
Finally, I hope more people can participate in talking about eliminating domestic violence. No matter your gender, whether you have witnessed or experienced domestic violence, you can choose to speak for the victims of domestic violence.