The central idea of this composition is not unified and accurate, the structure is a bit chaotic, and the pertinence of use cases is atypical, which needs to be overhauled.

As a high school Chinese teacher, my opinion is:

1. Open point. Delete the first sentence and emphasize that life should be centered on a broad mind.

2. Adjust the order. Put the third paragraph before the second paragraph, change the example of Qu Yuan and replace it with Sima Qian. Or quote "Taishan does not let the soil, so it can become big; Rivers and seas do not choose small streams, so they can be deep. "

3. Increase analysis and reasoning. We can't just put examples out. Mandela's tolerance should be an example for us to build a harmonious society. Get in touch with reality.