Good interpersonal skills and good interpersonal relationships are the necessary conditions for human survival and development. As a special group, college students are facing fierce competition and increasingly strong social psychological pressure. How to understand and correctly handle the problems existing in college students' interpersonal communication is of great significance. Interpersonal communication barriers will bring a series of adverse effects to college students' study, life, mood and health. By analyzing the problems existing in college students' interpersonal communication and their reasons, this paper expounds how to maintain and improve college students' good interpersonal communication and communication skills. At the same time, forming a United, friendly and energetic interpersonal communication environment is also helpful for college students to form and develop a healthy personality.

Good interpersonal skills and good interpersonal relationships are the necessary conditions for human survival and development. As a special group, college students are facing fierce competition and increasingly strong social psychological pressure. How to understand and correctly handle the problems existing in college students' interpersonal communication is of great significance. Interpersonal communication barriers will bring a series of adverse effects to college students' study, life, mood and health. By analyzing the problems existing in college students' interpersonal communication and their reasons, this paper expounds how to maintain and improve college students' good interpersonal communication and communication skills. At the same time, forming a United, friendly and energetic interpersonal communication environment is also helpful for college students to form and develop a healthy personality.

Every life in social life lives in interpersonal network, and everyone's growth and development depend on interpersonal communication. The quality of interpersonal relationship is often a comprehensive reflection of a person's mental health level and social adaptability. Modern society is an open society, and an open society needs open social communication. For college students who are studying and growing up, interpersonal communication is one of the basic contents of life. The complex social communication between classmates, teachers and students, fellow villagers, roommates, individuals and classes, and schools constitutes the network system of college students' interpersonal communication. Cultivating good interpersonal skills is not only the need of college life, but also the need of adapting to society in the future. A person without communication skills, like a ship on land, will never drift into the magnificent sea.

Compared with middle school students, college students' interpersonal communication is more complex, extensive, independent and social. Individuals began to enter the social circle of quasi-social groups independently. College students began to try independent interpersonal communication and try to cultivate this ability. Moreover, communication ability has increasingly become an important standard to measure personal ability in college students' minds. College students are in a period of psychological development eager for communication and understanding. Good interpersonal relationship is an inevitable requirement for their normal psychological development, healthy personality, sense of security, sense of belonging and happiness. However, not every college student can handle interpersonal relationships well. In this process, quite a few people will have various problems. Cognitive, emotional and personality factors will affect the establishment of interpersonal relationships. Once frustrated in this process, it may be manifested as self-denial and fall into depression and anxiety, or get into trouble because of trying to fight, which will lead to psychological problems.

First, the performance of interpersonal discomfort of college students

Relevant surveys show that interpersonal communication accounts for more than 50% of college students' psychological problems, and love troubles occupy the first place in previous statistics. The trouble of communication is greater than the trouble of love. Careful analysis shows that the confusion and discomfort in college students' interpersonal relationships can be divided into the following five categories:

The first category: lack of intimate friends.

This kind of college students usually have normal contacts and good interpersonal relationships, but they feel that they lack intimate friends who can talk to each other, treat each other sincerely, cooperate tacitly and share joys and sorrows. Therefore, they sometimes feel lonely and helpless.

The second category: difficult to intersect with individuals.

This kind of college students communicate well with most people, but not with individuals. It may be a roommate, a classmate, or a close parent. Because you can't get along well with these people, it often affects your mood and becomes a "heart disease."

The third category: dull communication with people.

This kind of college students can communicate with others, but they always feel that the quality of getting along with others is not high and they lack influence. They don't have close friends, most of them are nodding acquaintances. No one is worth caring about and no one will miss him. It is difficult for them to maintain and develop good interpersonal relationships. Most of these students will feel empty, confused and lost. Grade 06 students in a university felt lonely and depressed because of their bad relationship with their classmates, and finally left the school. After wandering around several small and medium-sized cities near the school, they returned to the school and met Chen Mou's parents who arrived at the school on a starry night after receiving the notice. At this time, Chen Mou and his son, both sad and happy, were faced with the punishment of being ordered to drop out of school because Chen Mou was absent from school for more than 50 hours, and the sympathy of all the teachers and students. No one could give Chen Mou more comfort.

The fourth category: I feel difficult to communicate.

This kind of college students are eager for communication, but due to limited communication ability, improper methods or personality defects, psychological barriers in communication and other reasons, their communication is not satisfactory and their successful experience is less. They often feel distressed and hope to change their social situation. Xiao Zhang, a freshman girl, has been spoiled at home. All the housework is arranged by her parents, and her self-care ability is not strong. After entering the university, the intense study made her feel uneasy. She began to become unsociable. Gradually, she had a strange feeling. It seems that all her classmates look down on her. When the water boils, ask her to go and sweep the floor. She felt that she had become the target of others' "running errands", becoming more and more unhappy and her grades plummeted.

The fifth category: social phobia.

This kind of college students are particularly sensitive, afraid of interpersonal communication and try to avoid contact with others. When they have to communicate, they will be nervous, afraid, their hearts will beat faster, their faces will be red, and they will always be in a state of anxiety. They are afraid of being the center of others' attention, making a fool of themselves in front of others and being observed by others. I am always worried that I will make mistakes and be laughed at by others. I am always under an inexplicable psychological pressure. Communicating with people, even appearing in public places, is an extremely horrible task for them.

Social phobia is a very painful psychological obstacle, which seriously affects the life and work of patients. Many things that ordinary people can easily do, but people with social phobia are afraid. Patients may think they are boring people, and others will think so. In this way, patients will become too sensitive and even unwilling to disturb others. Doing so will make patients feel more anxious and depressed, thus further worsening the symptoms of social phobia. Many patients change their lives to adapt to their symptoms. They (and their families) have to miss many meaningful activities.

Second, the problems in college students' interpersonal communication

In the study life of university, due to subjective and objective reasons, some of them often have poor interpersonal communication, which affects their physical and mental health and learning progress. In recent years, due to various factors, college students' interpersonal difficulties have become a common problem in college life. Look at the survey above. When students answer, "What qualities do you think you lack in choosing a job?" The proportion of choosing interpersonal skills is as high as 34.8%, ranking first. There are the following problems in college students' interpersonal communication:

1, self-centered.

When dealing with people, the word "I" takes precedence, only taking care of one's own needs and interests, emphasizing one's feelings and not considering others. When you get along with others, regardless of the occasion, regardless of other people's emotions, talk and dance when you are happy; When you are unhappy, you are unhappy, ignoring everyone, or losing your temper, disrespecting others and ignoring their situation and interests.

2. Self-enclosed.

There are two situations in this type. One is that they don't want others to know themselves, and they always like to cover up their true thoughts, feelings and needs. They often hold a detached attitude, only pay attention to their inner experience, artificially set up psychological obstacles and deliberately close themselves up; Another situation is that although I am willing to associate with others, I can't let others know myself because of my personality. Such people are generally introverted and withdrawn, forming a state of self-isolation. There are also such students in our team, who like to be alone and don't like to get in touch with others. Everything is done by themselves, and it is difficult to integrate into large groups, resulting in a disharmonious situation.

3. Social utility.

Everyone has such goals and ideas in the process of communication, and they all have the desire to improve and progress through communication. These are all good. However, if we think too much about personal wishes, whether the interests can be realized and how likely they are to be realized, it will be easily corroded and wooed by wrong ideas such as money worship and utilitarianism, which will make personal communication with a strong utilitarian color. In our student ranks, there are also some students who use the "principle of equivalent exchange" prevailing in the market economy to conduct interpersonal communication, build feelings by eating and drinking, and achieve personal goals by pandering; Or "mercenary"; Pay more for big interests, pay less for small interests, pay no benefits, ignore those who can't give themselves "benefits" and praise those who can give themselves "benefits". Individual students attach great importance to personal interests, and the best honors and achievements are their own, while others are not as good as themselves. There are similar problems between teams, even between teams and Qu. They work hard to finish the work of their own team, but they are unwilling to lend a helping hand when other teams are in trouble, hoping that their team and team will become excellent.

4. Suspicion and jealousy.

Suspicion in communication is generally manifested in closed thinking based on an imaginary goal, lack of trust in people, casual suspicion, saying that the wind is rain, which is easy to hint. Suspicion is the moth of harmonious interpersonal relationship. In addition, psychology believes that everyone has different degrees of jealousy, which is a common phenomenon. A certain degree of jealousy can stimulate people's enthusiasm for progress. Once this jealousy limit will go to the opposite side, it will affect the normal relationship between people. In our usual communication, jealousy is mainly manifested in refusing to admit or even belittle the achievements and progress of others; With achievements and honors, I am complacent, but at the same time I am anxious, too wary of others and afraid of others catching up; Some people are even dissatisfied with what others have done. Envy, envy of sages, envy of capable people, this is the so-called "envy of sages." If you can't adjust your mentality well and develop it to the extreme, you will have the psychology of mutual destruction. What you can't get, others can't get. If you don't succeed, no one else will succeed. Those who can sit here are the lucky ones who have walked through the crowded narrow path of the college entrance examination. They are smooth sailing, and their sense of superiority naturally breeds. However, entering the university campus, the situation is different. Excellent students in middle schools gather together, and some students can't stay outstanding, and their academic superiority is lost, which is easy to produce jealousy. The light person appears introversion and avoidance, while the heavy person appears mental delusion, suicide and even crime.

5. Jianghu loyalty type.

Some students are keen on Jianghu loyalty. They worship the so-called Jianghu heroes. Regardless of military discipline and national laws and collective interests, they became brothers with other students and became sworn brothers. They did not hesitate to do anything for their friends, which was very heroic. In fact, it defiles the relationship between revolutionary comrades, is the product of feudal society, and is a sectarian gang consciousness that protects the private interests of individuals and small groups, which is essentially different from the comradeship based on revolutionary principles. In our usual contacts, we must not engage in small groups and circles, but insist on unity and cooperation, cherish our friendship, and achieve "wisdom and goodness are higher."

6. Interpersonal communication is complicated and chaotic.

This is a portrayal of the souls of many college students. After getting familiar with the surrounding environment and getting to know the classmates around me, I found that campus life is not as simple as I thought, and people's ideas are no longer as simple as high school. People say that campus is a sub-society, and it is natural to treat people every day. However, it is not easy to treat people. There are students from all corners of the country in the university campus, and their customs and opinions are inevitably different. It is precisely these customs and views that are different. The survey shows that 78.8% of the students in school reflect the complex difficulties of interpersonal relationship, of which dormitory relationship accounts for 45%. Interpersonal communication is closely related to our life, and we are worried about interpersonal relationship every day. Do you think it is possible not to be depressed?

7. Problems faced

Everyone loves beauty, and saving face is a major quirk of college students. Interpersonal conflicts among college students often occur in trivial matters without principled problems, often an unintentional collision, casual verbal injury, or just a little interest, etc. Originally, it would be all right to say hello and apologize, but both sides were "angry" and it was rude not to say hello or apologize. What's more, one refused, the other punched each other, broke his head and regretted it afterwards. Both sides are defending their self-esteem in inappropriate ways, which is a typical face psychology. It seems that whoever apologizes first will hurt his face, and whoever bows his head in the face of threats will be a coward, so he will escalate layer by layer and end in tragedy.

Third, the reasons for the problems in college students' interpersonal communication.

In fact, there are many reasons for these problems. Generally speaking, there are the following factors:

1, the reason of family education;

At present, most families are only children, so parents are always afraid that their children will suffer, and gradually develop their selfish psychology. And some parents have bad interpersonal relationships, because the children are also disgusted with people for a long time. As the saying goes, parents are children's first teachers, so children learn a lot from them. Therefore, sometimes, parents should let their children receive some frustration education and loss education, so that children can truly understand and perceive society by themselves. Really become human.

2. The reason of school education;

In many primary and secondary schools, including some universities, academic performance comes first, and students' interpersonal skills are ignored or even ignored at all. Many times, some schools formalize students' ideological and moral education. As a result, many students are blushing and shy during the interview, which is a mistake in school education. In fact, schools should pay attention to training students how to be a person, how to face and contact society, and let students always understand that although a society cannot be changed, they must adapt to it.

3. Social influence;

I remember reading an article called "Lei Feng has gone abroad", which is about the indifference of our society. It is precisely this dark side of society that affects our classmates. They never dare to trust people, so we should vigorously publicize the return of human nature in society and make society full of love. Under such circumstances, do our students have any reason not to love others?

4. selfish personal thoughts;

Nowadays, college students like you are basically only children. Parents' expectation of children's success and their care for the only child have become hotbeds for cultivating "all for me". When you live a collective life independently and get along with your classmates, some students' "self-centered" selfish psychology developed since childhood is exposed.

5. Lack of quality education;

At present, China's education is still in the stage of exam-oriented education. The negative effect of exam-oriented education is that some parents, students and teachers are more concerned about students' exam results. It ignores the cultivation of internal qualities that cannot be measured by scores, including interpersonal communication and communication skills, which are necessary for social people.

6. Negative effects of market economy.

The development of market economy, on the one hand, promotes the economic and social development and progress of China, on the other hand, it also encourages the expansion of some utilitarian thoughts, which also affects the philosophy of life and behavior of college students.

Fourth, how do college students maintain and improve their good interpersonal and communication skills?

Every growing college student wants to live in a good interpersonal atmosphere. How to improve personal interpersonal charm and maintain a good interpersonal state is a problem worthy of consideration for every college student. The survey results also show that those students who are not satisfied with college life are uncomfortable in interpersonal relationships first. For college students, we should exercise ourselves from the aspects of personality, ability, knowledge, posture, communication means and social experience to adapt to college life. Good interpersonal and communication skills are not innate and need to be studied, exercised and improved in social communication practice. But just like other affairs, "Fiona Fang can't live without rules". In the process of communication, college students also have their inherent regularity, that is, they communicate according to certain communication principles. Only by following the correct communication principles can we establish harmonious interpersonal relationships and master and create better interpersonal communication art in communication.

(A) to master the principle of good interpersonal relationships

1, the principle of good faith.

It mainly refers to correct and healthy interpersonal skills, and creates an interpersonal atmosphere of mutual learning, unity and friendship, and harmonious coexistence. Never engage in cliques, fair-weather friends, unprincipled and unhealthy interpersonal communication.

2. Principle of equality.

It mainly refers to the equality of personality of both parties in communication, including respecting others and maintaining self-dignity. Mutual respect is the foundation of friendship and a bridge between two hearts. Communication must be equal, and equality can deepen friendship, which is the premise of successful interpersonal communication. The fundamental feature of socialist interpersonal relationship is equality, which is the expression of social progress. Implementing the principle of equality means that Australia strives to respect the legitimate rights and interests and feelings of others in communication. The ancients said, "If you want others to love you, you must love others first.": Those who love others will always love others; Those who respect others will always respect others. " Respect is not unilateral, but depends on both sides, both self-respect and mutual respect.

3. The principle of good faith.

Refers to honesty and trustworthiness in interpersonal communication. When dealing with people, on the one hand, we should treat people sincerely, neither flattering them in person nor slandering them behind their backs, but treating them sincerely and with an open mind. On the other hand, we should do what we say and promise to do as much as possible, so as to win the support of others and establish deep friendship with each other. Marx once praised sincere and rational friendship as "the priceless treasure of life". The ancients also said that "sincerity makes the stone open" and "sincerity makes the spirit". Sincerity is the key to friendship. Daisaku Ikeda, a famous Japanese writer, wrote: "Only by throwing away hypocrisy and being honest with each other can we know the most powerful, beautiful and sublime."

4. The principle of tolerance.

When getting along with others, we should be strict with ourselves, tolerate others and accept their differences. As the saying goes, "gold is not enough, and no one is perfect." In communication, you should tolerate others, such as "there is no room for a grain of sand in your eyes", be harsh on others, or make trouble without reason, and eventually you will become an unsociable person. In addition, to be tolerant, we must exchange honesty for sincerity, love for love, heart for heart, and be good at understanding each other from each other's point of view, so as to get a clear understanding.

5. The principle of transposition.

In communication, we should be good at understanding each other's thoughts and ways of doing things from each other's point of view, put ourselves in each other's shoes, and discover the unique personality of each other in dealing with problems, so as to truly understand each other and find the most suitable way to communicate and solve problems.

6. The principle of mutual assistance and interaction.

This principle is the psychological need of college students to deal with interpersonal relationships, and it is also a basic principle of interpersonal communication. Jade college students are not independent in economic life, and they are still in the school-oriented student era, so the principle of complementarity is mainly reflected in the spiritual field. Including the temperament, personality and personality characteristics of college students. We often find that people with different temperaments, personalities and abilities can get along well, but two people with very strong abilities may not get along well. Therefore, we should be brave enough to absorb other people's experience to make up for our own shortcomings.

Psychologically speaking, everyone is naturally self-centered, and individuals want others to recognize their own values, support themselves, accept themselves and like themselves. Because of this tendency to seek self-worth confirmation and emotional security, in social communication, we pay more attention to our own self-expression and attract others' attention, hoping that others can accept and like ourselves. Aronson's research shows that the foundation of interpersonal relationship is mutual concern and support between people. For those who sincerely accept us and like us, we are also more willing to accept each other, and are more willing to associate with them and establish and maintain relationships.

1975 The research of Fu 'a couple shows that everyone has a stable tendency to protect their psychological balance, and requires that their relationship with others is appropriate and reasonable, and their behavior with others can also be explained accordingly. In this way, when others show friendliness, acceptance and support to us, we also feel that we should be friendly to others in return. This sense of "should" will make us feel a kind of psychological pressure and accept others, otherwise our behavior will be unreasonable. At the same time, if our friendly actions are accepted by others, we also hope that others will respond accordingly. If other people's behavior deviates from our expectations, we will think that others are unreasonable, resulting in unpleasant emotional experience and psychological rejection of each other. The ancients in China said that "those who love others will always love others" and "Don't do to others what you don't want them to do to you" has its psychological basis.

(B) to establish good interpersonal relationships

Establishing good interpersonal relationship is the foundation of a person's career success. He needs a tolerant heart, sincere, active communication, shaping a good personal image, making good use of various communication means and overcoming prejudice in social cognition.

1, to overcome the deviation in social cognition

People who know others are wise, and those who know themselves are clear. Whether they can correctly know and understand others is also related to the smooth progress of interpersonal communication. To get out of the psychological misunderstanding of others, we should pay attention to the following aspects:

halo effect

In our minds, there are always some potential ideas derived in various ways, and we often use them to evaluate and judge others, because it consumes the least psychological energy, which is the most convenient. However, trying to save trouble often leads to some cognitive biases. Americans are open, British are conservative, businessmen are shrewd and sophisticated, and farmers are honest. Although these statements are in line with the characteristics of some people, they are by no means the same, and they should be treated according to specific circumstances. People and people are the same, so we can't measure people by concepts and simplify them. One of someone's strengths and advantages is magnified into a "halo" covering the whole body, and even the original shortcomings are covered up or covered with a dazzling brilliance. The biggest mistake in this kind of cognition of others lies in covering the whole with one side. "A glimpse of the whole leopard" does not always apply to all people and things, and the individual and the part may not necessarily reflect the whole. It is undoubtedly naive to judge whether a person is a good person or a bad person by grasping a good person or a bad person among a person's many behaviors or personality characteristics. To know others correctly and comprehensively, we must overcome the absolute method of saying that all good things are good and all bad things are bad.

First reaction effect

Stereotype effect refers to a certain fixed consciousness in people's minds, which affects people's cognition and evaluation of people and things. When we are in contact with others, we often unconsciously produce a prepared psychological state and make fixed ideas or tendency judgments.

Projection effect

The projective effect in interpersonal relationships, that is, "treating a gentleman with a villain's heart", refers to transferring some unpleasant and unacceptable ideas, personalities, attitudes or desires to others when interacting with others, thinking that others are the same, so as to cover up their unwelcome characteristics. For example, selfish people always think that others are selfish; Generous people think that others should not be stingy with themselves. Due to the influence of projection, it is easy to misunderstand in interpersonal communication.

Why can't some people get happiness from interpersonal communication? People are social animals, and interpersonal communication is the need of each of us. In interpersonal communication, being too cautious and calculating everywhere, always afraid of being cheated, is of course unhappy. It can be said that such people have not understood the real connotation of interpersonal communication, so they can't experience the happiness in communication. Two people exchange an apple with each other, or one person exchanges an apple. When two people exchange an idea with each other, one person has two ideas. This example is the embodiment of communication connotation. In addition, the significance of communication lies in increasing personal psychological space, reducing psychological distance between each other and establishing "our feelings". These are people's psychological needs and social needs.

It goes without saying that negative emotions such as unhappiness, pain, anger and disappointment will affect the normal progress of interpersonal communication. These negative emotions may come from some kind of pressure, frustration or loss. Everyone should learn to deal with these bad emotions in life, which is also an important embodiment of personal growth. Modern society advocates personality independence, and interpersonal communication is becoming more and more complicated. If you need some superficial courtesy and entertainment in some occasions or temporary communication with some people, the most important thing to establish and develop in-depth and lasting interpersonal communication is to be frank and express your true self. "There is no fish in clear water, and there is no friend when people look at it." People don't like those who pretend to be saints. Of course, if you have obvious shortcomings, you should try to overcome and correct them. In interpersonal communication, people constantly examine and know themselves and others, and constantly understand life, which is the connotation of interpersonal communication.

2. Establish a healthy interpersonal communication model.

A moderate sense of self-worth is the foundation of good interpersonal relationships. The sense of self-worth comes from the understanding of one's intrinsic value as a unique individual. No individual can be completely replaced, it has its uniqueness and unique creative potential. Along with this sense of value comes an understanding of the unique value of others and respect for others. Whether you have this moderate sense of self-worth directly affects the mode of interpersonal communication.

3. Create a good personal image and enhance personal charm.

In social communication, a person's knowledge level and accomplishment directly affect the effect of communication. A good personal image should start from scratch, follow good advice, "don't do it with small goodness, don't do it with small evils." Optimize personal social image.

Improve psychological quality. Interpersonal communication is the overall function of thought, ability, knowledge and psychology, and the lack of any one aspect will affect the quality of interpersonal relationship. Some students have bad psychology in interpersonal communication, such as social fear, timidity, shyness, inferiority, indifference, loneliness, isolation, suspicion, pride, jealousy, etc., so it is difficult to establish good interpersonal relationships. Strengthen self-training, improve their psychological quality, and communicate with each other with a positive attitude.

Improve your interpersonal charm. Every individual has his inner interpersonal charm, and he is the embodiment of a person's comprehensive quality in social life. This requires college students to enrich their inner world, from appearance to speech, from image to knowledge, and improve themselves in many ways. Psychological research shows that a good social image will leave a deep impression on each other in the first communication, and with the deepening of communication, knowledge will become more dominant. Especially the personality cultivation of college students, and expand their own connotation.

I believe that as long as we can work hard in these directions, we will find that everything is changing quietly: the unhappiness between friends has disappeared, and more and more intimate friends can speak freely; Affection between relatives and friends; You will live a full and happy life and feel that interpersonal communication is a natural and relaxed thing, so you are full of optimism about your study life and confidence in shaping a perfect college life and future life.

References:

1 case analysis of interpersonal communication among college students of Li Guo South China University of Technology Press

2 Lin Chongde Development Psychology People's Education Press 1999

3 Principles of Interpersonal Relations of Soviet College Students Jiangxi People's Publishing House

4 Fan Yu "The Art of Interpersonal Communication" beijing beijing University of Technology Press 2002.

5 Su Liansheng "Psychological Analysis of College Students' Interpersonal Communication" Journal of Cangzhou Normal University in March 2004

6. Wang Long and Xu Lang "On the Influencing Factors and Countermeasures of College Students' Interpersonal Communication Obstacles" Economist, 02, 2005.

7 Jia "Causes and Countermeasures of Psychological Problems in College Students' Interpersonal Communication" Journal of Xianyang Normal University in 2006

8 Xu Suming "On the types of social exchange behavior and its restrictive factors" Journal of Nanjing University in March 2000.