At least, in the eyes of many people, two children are playmates when they are young, and they are stumbling blocks when they are older. It is also excellent to support each other for a long time.
Having given birth to two babies, we naturally hope that the children will have good personalities and love each other. The mother who wants to have a second child, the first thing that puzzles her is how old the second child is, which is the best for the child.
Some say that 1-2 years old, there is not much difference between the two children, so they can play together.
Some people say that children can play together when they are 3-5 years old. After three to five years' rest, mother's energy and physical strength have also recovered. Dabao has also gone to kindergarten, and she can also help Doby Bauer, and she will be happy if she thinks about it.
Judging from the influence of "birth order" on children's personality, 4 years old is the best age difference between two children.
A mother who wants a second child can make the difference between the two children 4 years old, so that the growth of both children is close to the psychological "only child".
What effect does "birth order" have on personality?
Jane nelsen, Ph.D. in Education in the United States, is an outstanding psychologist and educator. He wrote in Positive Discipline:
The reason why children are different is mainly because each child has a different explanation of the environment he feels. Most children think that they need to be different from other children in order to have a sense of belonging and value. Their explanation is based on how they compare themselves with other brothers and sisters.
If you have two treasures at home, you will find:
Eldest brother is a high-demand baby, which is difficult to raise. The second one is angel baby, which is very easy to raise. Don't worry about eating, drinking and sleeping at all.
When I grew up and went to school, my eldest brother was weak, but I studied well. My second child is healthy and energetic, but I just can't settle down to study.
Because children think that if brothers and sisters do well in a certain respect, they can only develop their abilities in completely different ways, or try to do better than other children in the family. This is the influence of "birth order" on children's personality.
Why is the second child 4 years old, the best personality for children?
Dr. jane nelsen wrote in his book: "Birth order" is one of the important factors in the formation of children's personality, but it will be influenced by age differences. The greater the age gap, the smaller the difference in children's personality.
1, the difference is more than 4 years, and the competition between them is relatively small.
When the age difference between two children is four years or more, the interaction between them will be reduced. The age gap makes them feel that there will be less competition between them.
Two almost identical children, when the boss feels threatened by the second child, he will try his best to compete with Bauer, so that Bauer can feel threatened by the boss all the time.
The difference between the two children is more than 4 years old. When Dabao grows up, he will not compete with Bauer for breastfeeding, hugging, feeding, sleeping, reading picture books, competing for the same toy, competing for the same clothes, or even competing for things from his parents.
How old is the "best personality" of the second child? American child psychologist: This is the best time.
2, the age difference is over 4 years old, and both children are easy to develop a "psychological boss."
After four years of rest, my mother's body and mind have recovered, and parenting will be a brand-new way, which is less affected by the immature experience of supporting the elderly. Like Dabao, Bauer felt the whole-hearted nurturing and love of his mother.
When Dr. jane nelsen worked as a psychological teacher in a primary school, the survey found that:
More than 80% of the children who quickly adapt to the learning environment and have strong learning ability are family bosses or "psychological bosses". These "psychological bosses" all have a brother or sister four years older than him, so they don't have to spend their energy on competing for favor and get better development.
More than 85% of the children who are difficult to adapt to the learning environment and have poor learning ability are the youngest or "least psychologically" in the family. When they get to primary school, their parents help them get dressed. These "youngest" have a brother and sister who is less than 4 years younger than them, and they are trying their best to compete for favor.
3. The smaller the age gap, the greater the personality difference between children of the same sex.
In everyone's idea, if two children are young and of the same sex, they can play together, or they can have the same parents, the same growing environment, the same toys, the same neighbors and playmates, and they should have similar personality characteristics.
On the contrary, it is precisely because of these similarities that they have to compete to win more opportunities and make their personalities more different.
This well explains that in the movie "Rich Brother and Poor Brother", two brothers who are two years apart come from the same parents, but when they grow up, they have great differences in personality and perspective, which leads to great differences in their final social status.
We don't want to raise Erbao into a poor brother. It may be better to ask Erbao's mother to make the difference between the two children's four years old.
What if Bauer and Dabao are less than 4 years old?
Mothers who have two treasures, but the difference between the two children is less than 4 years old, don't worry too much. The book Positive Discipline tells us that apart from the age difference, there are two important factors that will also change the adverse effects of "birth order" on children.
1. Maintain a cooperative family atmosphere.
Family atmosphere may strengthen or weaken the differences between children.
In a family that respects competition and creates a competitive atmosphere, children learn competition, how to make themselves different, how to win more love from their parents, and their personality differences will become bigger and bigger.
In a family that respects cooperation and creates a cooperative atmosphere, children learn mutual cooperation and support, and the differences between children will be reduced. As long as we follow the direction of "psychological boss", we can cultivate a responsible and perfect child.
2. Recognize each other's parenting ideas and methods.
Many parents don't realize that when they have differences in parenting methods, when everyone wants to control and everyone wants the other person to obey themselves, what children learn is transcendence and control.
Although parents who agree with each other's parenting styles have great differences in parenting concepts and methods, they all agree with each other and support each other's methods. What children learn is mutual cooperation, mutual understanding and mutual tolerance.
Dr. jane nelsen told such a story:
She once met two sisters with a difference of 18 months, but their personalities were very similar.
When getting to know their parents, they told Dr. jane nelsen that their parents loved each other very much and cooperated with each other. Although they have great differences in concepts and methods when raising, they always agree with each other, support each other and tolerate each other.
And both sisters feel that their parents love them very much and are fair to them. They don't need and don't want to spend energy to compete with each other in order to make themselves look different or better and get more love from their parents.
How old is the "best personality" of the second child? American child psychologist: This is the best time.
Help children with the knowledge of the influence of "birth order" on children.
1, "Elvis Presley type children"
Ives and Hertz are famous car rental companies in America. When Hertz leads, Ives will catch up.
Children sometimes change their ranking position at will, and the second child may become "Elvis Presley's child" and try to catch up with the boss.
The boss may think that I "can't do the best, why bother", so I give up my efforts and become "the least psychologically".
If the boss has a general talent for learning and the second child tries to surpass the boss after school, the boss may give up his efforts.
If parents don't understand this knowledge, they will become confused and angry with the boss. Although I was not smart before, I knew how to work hard, but now I can't even work hard.
If we know this knowledge, we will understand the boss better and provide them with the encouragement of "psychological boss" to help them regain their confidence.
2. Encourage children with the knowledge of birth order.
American educator Judy Moore studied the relationship between birth order and reading ability in her master's thesis:
In the group with the strongest reading ability, the boss and the "psychological boss" account for a large proportion, and all children will raise their hands to answer questions first.
In the group with the weakest reading ability, the youngest and the youngest account for a large proportion, and children often say that they don't understand and need more help.
One student, John, has the worst reading ability in her reading group.
Moore was worried that he might have a low IQ, so he took him to an IQ test. The test results show that John is a gifted child.
Knowing that John is the youngest son in the family, his three sisters spoil him, and he is the "King John" in the family, Moore helped him to establish the confidence of being the "psychological boss", and gained a sense of belonging and value by training his self-care ability. John's reading ability soon became the strongest child in the group.
Understanding the influence of "birth order" on children's personality gives us an extra way to enter children's hearts, so that the second-born mother can better understand her two babies, correctly analyze the causes of her own problems, and raise two children with good personality.