Teacher Che: I am 46 years old. My husband is the same age as me. We have been married for 2 1 year, and one son is in college. He and I were introduced to each other. He was studying abroad at that time. After several meetings, he went to study. Only through a few letters a year, we don't know much about each other. A year later, he graduated and married me. When I got married, it was the time when my sister divorced (there were only two sisters in my family), and I witnessed with my own eyes what my parents suffered for my sister's divorce. It is self-evident that my parents expect my marriage to be happy, and I entered the marriage under such circumstances. To outsiders, my husband is a very nice person. He has no bad hobbies such as smoking, drinking and gambling, and is good at housework. But after marriage, his grumpy, arbitrary, overbearing and self-righteous character was exposed. He often gets angry with me for some trivial housework, even scolds me with dirty and vicious words, and never admits his mistake afterwards. He also wants me to take the initiative to make up with him, otherwise it will be a long-term cold war. I have a gentle personality and have never been in the habit of swearing. His parents are also very kind to me. They basically brought up my sons. Coupled with the pressure of my sister's divorce, a few years before I got married, I was afraid that he would be angry and cold war. I often lose sleep because of this, I can't go to work the next day, and I'm afraid to go to my house. I always take the initiative to make up with him to achieve temporary reconciliation and peace. Over time, he became more unscrupulous at home. He loves me very much when he is in a good mood. He is considerate to me and good to my parents. But as long as he quarrels, especially when I cover for him, he doesn't care about me and my family at all. Several times, I was sick, and he went out to play games on purpose. My father was in hospital, and he didn't go to see it. His theory is that no matter how her husband loses his temper, his wife must endure it, and then take the initiative to make up with him. He will be good to me, give me money and work for me, and women should endure grievances in exchange for such "benefits." This is the theory he has always adhered to. More than 20 years of marriage, so again and again in the contradiction, reconciliation cycle, no contradiction, didn't think so much, so confused. Recently, he swore at me. I didn't answer him a word, but I cried sadly. I took the initiative to communicate with him afterwards, but he said, "I am like this. You can accept it or do whatever you want." "Dare you go back to your parents' house, I will never let you come back. "This is what he often says, which gives me the feeling that he is reckless to me and never cares about my feelings. Sometimes I wonder why I'm so worried. To tell the truth, I didn't think much about my son, but my parents were old and very ill, and there was a sister who had been divorced for many years. I really can't bear to say these sad words in front of them again, and I don't want to do anything to make them sad. At present, we are in the cold war, but when I was on a business trip last week, I took the initiative to tell him where I was on a business trip and how many days I would go, but he also went to other places these days without even saying hello to me. I don't know where he went. He totally ignored my feelings. Think about his thoughtfulness, care about my son and my parents when he is in a good mood, but all this must be based on my tolerance for his temper, abuse and non-resistance, otherwise I will turn against him and all care will not exist. Because we were in this state when we first got married, I really have no love for him for so many years. I just want to live a quiet life for my parents. If it weren't for this, divorce would be a choice I would never regret. Now I want to ask a question that I have been wanting to ask for many years: Is his feelings for me true? Should I stay in this marriage? What should I do with such a husband? Read your blog often, please get your help, there is no need to keep it a secret! Qingqing replied: Qingqing's husband has personality disorder. In the face of her husband's abuse and cold violence, she chose to yield and tolerate out of concern, which invisibly encouraged him and allowed their marriage to continue in her tolerance. Although the mode of getting along formed over 20 years is difficult to change in the short term, I hope my reply can alleviate her pain to some extent and help her improve the quality of marriage. A sound personality is the guarantee of a happy marriage. From Qingqing's story, I think her husband loves her and her family, but his personality is flawed and belongs to a slight explosive personality disorder. Explosive personality disorder refers to a personality disorder that often erupts into very strong and uncontrollable anger and even violence due to slight mental stimulation. Qingqing's husband is impulsive and irritable. He is not good at controlling his emotions, and he gets angry or insults his wife when he is slightly dissatisfied. This impulsive behavior, which is easy to explode, is contrary to the calmness and rationality that adult men should have, and it is a manifestation of imperfect personality. Psychologists believe that the cause of explosive personality is the result of the interaction of physiological, psychological, family and social environment factors. Among them, family factors, especially parents' parenting style and mode of getting along with each other, have an important influence on the formation of explosive personality. For example, in an authoritarian family environment, children are often beaten and scolded, and their hearts are very depressed. They often choose anger or violence to vent their dissatisfaction. Adults are also easy to imitate the way parents and spouses get along and feel justified. People with explosive personality disorder have strong self-esteem and are very sensitive and strong to self-esteem frustration. As long as it is stimulated, the psychological defense mechanism will play a role immediately. It often defends its self-esteem according to the model of "stimulus-frustration-rage or violence", and rarely takes into account the feelings of others. Second, the wife's forbearance and submission triggered a cold domestic violence. As soon as she entered the marriage, Qing Qing discovered her husband's grumpy, overbearing and self-righteous side. But she didn't fight back and restrain him in time, but to save the marriage and not let her parents bear it. Choose patience and take the initiative to reconcile with her husband. Invisibly contributed to her husband's unhealthy personality and strengthened his wrong practices. Not only did he take it for granted to scold his wife, but he was used to cold violence against his wife, forcing her to bow her head and make peace with him, content to control her feelings from above, but he didn't realize the heavy harm that this kind of domestic cold violence caused to her mind. What I mean by "cold domestic violence" here refers to informal violence such as indifference to each other, minimizing language communication, stopping or perfunctory sexual life, and being lazy to do all housework when a husband and wife have conflicts. From Qingqing's story, we find that once Qingqing has a conflict with her husband, he will ignore everything about her and her family, which can last for up to one year. He mentally tortured Qingqing with cold domestic violence, forcing her to "voluntarily" submit to him. Bow your head to admit your mistake and show goodwill. This practice is very harmful to Qingqing, making her unable to love her husband, and she has a lot of grievances and anger in her heart. She even despaired of marriage. Third, how to deal with family "cold violence". How to deal with this kind of husband and avoid family cold violence? The simplest solution is to strengthen communication or end the marriage. The following are some specific suggestions for Qingqing: (1) Change the concept: remind yourself that you only have one life, and there is no need to submit to humiliation and compromise for your parents. Parents can accept your sister's divorce and respect your choice for your happiness. Therefore, after your efforts, he is still me, and you can bravely give up your marriage and find your own happiness again. Setting such a bottom line and retreat for yourself can help you defend your dignity with confidence, and you can stop being held hostage by him and act according to his face. (2) Actively communicate with him and try to improve the relationship: 1, and stabilize him temporarily. Because he is used to your concessions and active peace, in order to solve the problem this time, he can take the initiative to admit his mistake, be caring and attentive, and solve it after coming back from a business trip. Let the relationship between husband and wife return to normal 2. Reduce the root causes of conflicts. Think back to the main reasons that caused him to be angry in his 20-year marriage, and see what is easy to irritate him and make him attack, so as to effectively control him before he gets angry and reduce the frequency of his anger. 3. More affirmation and praise. He is sensitive and conceited because of his personality. When he is not angry and considerate to you, you can encourage, affirm and thank him. Enhance his self-esteem and self-confidence. Strengthen his positive behavior. 4. Avoid his sharp edge. When he has an attack due to trivial matters, he can suppress his anger by smiling, being silent, changing the subject, imitating his attack, humor and self-mockery. So as to avoid confrontation and confrontation. 5. directly confess your chest. If he still doesn't know through the above efforts, he will scold you more and more with vicious language. Keep it as evidence. Then write him a long letter, tell him how good he has been to you over the years, what you admire and like about him, and speak out his insults and the repeated injuries he has caused you by his arbitrariness. Tell him that you don't want to put up with it any more, and you don't want to accommodate him any more, because the result of accommodating him is to encourage his bad habits and worsen your feelings. Then tell him two choices: first, divorce, and second. Willing to accept psychotherapy or control yourself, overcome the behavior of losing your temper and swearing, know how to respect your wife and communicate with her on an equal footing. Willing to work with your wife to improve the quality of marriage. Tell him that you will wait for his choice at home, and you will respect and accept it gladly, but you will not accommodate him unprincipled as before. You will keep calm on the surface by admitting your mistake against your will, but you will suffer inside. If his choice is the first one, no matter how painful you are, you should accept it bravely and face it bravely. If it is the second, you should pay patience and wisdom, and work hard with him to build a harmonious marriage.