Different self-feelings have different ways of responding to the world. The cornerstone of everyone's personality is what our parents thought of us in childhood.
Parents will pass on all their beliefs and cognition about themselves, money, love, marriage, the world, life and time to their children, whether they realize it or not.
In this world, only a few people with very strong learning consciousness and self-examination ability often have self-consciousness, and most people are unconscious more than 95% of the time. These beliefs and cognition that we inherited from the family we came from constitute the background of our personality, that is, our self-awareness. Different self-feelings have different ways of responding to the world.
A fixed value chain will bind an individual's identity or resources, and a person's self-awareness will be reflected in all his relationships, whether with his partner, with children, with money, with work ... You and your partner are no exception, and will be influenced by your own caregivers, growth environment and national culture of that era. For example, for some people, it is an honor to find a wife who is more capable and profitable than themselves, but for others, it is a shame; For some people, apologizing is a normal way of communication, while for others, it is more difficult than going to heaven.
There is also a fixed value chain in the belief system of family and ethnic age, which binds your personal value to a certain identity or resource. Such as work, education, registered permanent residence, age, looks, income, family background ... Moreover, these standards are different in different times and regions. In some places, it is normal for a girl to be single at the age of 26 or 7, but in other places, it means that you are an "old girl" who can't get married.
Once people agree with this value chain, they turn themselves into slaves of this belief system. From then on, you cut off the opportunity to explore your own strength and connect your own strength and value with these external things.
When you have them, you will feel confident and safe. When you lose them or meet someone who has an advantage over you, your confidence will collapse immediately. More importantly, when we agree with these value chains, it is difficult to realize that these are only very personal standards. We will regard these standards as the truth of the world and even feel that our requirements are "basic". Therefore, when people ask their partners, they usually say:
"My requirements are already very low, I just hope ..."
"This is the minimum requirement."
"I didn't ask him ... but at least ... do it."
When we say these words, we actually look at each other from our own standpoint. I think these requirements are "very simple", that is, I have no ability to bring each other's background to meet each other.
When we are not in the mood, everything will go wrong. When our self-awareness is expanded, we can look at things in a higher dimension. The same thing, when our cognitive and observation perspectives change, we will deal with it in a completely different way.
In intimate relationships, of course, it is no exception. We should observe each other with each other's background, instead of thinking that each other is our partner and we should do what we want. We should be able to see that the other person is also a human being, limited by his growth process. Some things that are easy and simple for yourself are really not easy for the other party.
We hope he is brave and responsible, but we see that he has a strong mother and a gentle but often evasive father. We hope he can express more love and say some sweet words, but we can see that his parents are very dull and introverted, and they never know how to express their inner feelings. We want him to be independent, but when we see his parents, we have to interfere in everything. When we find that our other half is very similar to his parents in many ways, we will understand each other more easily, but at the same time we will feel powerless. When we understand that the other party is really powerless and can't meet your expectations, the anger derived from previous disappointment will be directed at your partner, but now this anger will be transferred to your partner's family.
When you get angry, you will blurt out: "You are just like your mother (dad)!" You're right, but it doesn't help at all. Not everything is right to say. If you make the other person angry, there is no need to say it. If you still want to say this, you just want to vent your emotions, or you want to prove that you have strong insight.
But this does not support the partner to get out of this mode, and the other party will have a great sense of division: on the one hand, he will be angry with his family and vent it on his parents, feeling that his current problems are brought by his parents; On the other hand, being born in a family is the source of his own life. When we judge his parents, we are actually denying a part of his life. Therefore, the other party will feel guilty and more powerless. The premise of supporting your partner to get out of the family constraints is to have a higher and more stable energy state.
When we are in a state of anxiety and irritability, we are unable to support others, and even unconsciously affect each other's negative state, making each other's state worse. When your state is unstable, it is better to do nothing, because the more you do, the more serious the problem may be.
What you believe will happen. It takes great strength to get rid of the gravity of the family, which is by no means easy. When the other party can't do it, we need to pay three kinds of energy: acceptance, patience and trust.
Accept the other person's state, not judge and blame. Of course, whoever comes from a family blames each other is also blaming, but it is a little hidden. Give each other more time and space, and respect each other's rhythm, instead of always feeling that each other's progress is too slow or always setting various standards to ask each other.
Giving trust is the most important thing. The power of faith is extremely powerful. If we believe that the other person will definitely change, then we can convey this possibility. If we believe in our hearts that "he is like this and cannot be changed", it will only strengthen the negative state of the other party. Moreover, observation is creation. When we believe each other's looks, slowly, the other side will become like this in front of us.
Learn to let go of expectations and use more effective communication methods if you can't let go. When the other party can't do it, support the other party to heal his "hole" instead of blindly asking for, accusing or isolating. If you can't let go and have no strength to support each other's growth, you will only cause pain, get stuck and miss the opportunity to grow in intimate relationships.
In the new year, you deserve to have a better self, a better intimate relationship, learn to love yourself first, and then meet the right person.