Perhaps many young people have been hit by the model of Xu Yiwan and his mother together in Lost Russia, and everyone can't help but sigh "One world, one mother".

Xu Yiwan and his mother got on the train to Russia for six days and six nights. Her mother takes care of Xu 10,000 in every possible way and controls Xu 10,000 in every possible way.

She asked Xu Wanwan if he was hungry. After Xu 10,000 said that she was not hungry, she still handed over the biscuits. When the biscuits were no longer needed, she had to open the instant noodles. After instant noodles refused, she handed in big sugar. Even when Xu Wanwan called, she kept stuffing things into Xu Wanwan's mouth until an egg choked Xu Wanwan to death.

She thinks that urinating in time is good for her health, so she has been giving Xu 10,000 red bean water, mung bean water and barley water … endlessly.

Xu finally really can't stand the outbreak of Ivan:

Behind the real warmth are the tears that sting your heart. Look at Xu Wanwan's anger. What can he do except secretly throw away his mother's little tomato and scratch his head to attack himself?

Later, Natasha got on the bus halfway and lived in the same private room with Ivan Xu. Natalie said:

Filial piety may always be something that Xu 10,000 refuses, and escaping may always be something that Xu 10,000 has been considering, but filial piety, can it not be filial? Escape, where can you escape? Wherever she fled, she was her son. If you really run away and abandon your mother, what will others think of him? I'm sure he will be scolded to death.

When Natasha said, "Dare you tell your mother what you are thinking?" Xu Yifan's reaction was, "Ha ha ha ha … no, absolutely not."

However, there is nowhere to vent the grievances in my heart, and eventually it will become a way to hurt myself. If there is a close person, he will unconsciously transfer his mother's control over him to another person, and this person is often his wife or child after he gets married.

Xu Yiwan and Zhang Lu didn't have children yet, so Zhang Lu inadvertently acted as a garbage dump for Xu Yiwan's mother to control her behavior, which made Zhang Lu overwhelmed, filed for divorce, and complained about her behavior:

Under China's filial piety dogmatism, our anger towards our mother became something that could not be presented. No matter how big this anger is, it can't flow to our mother even a little. However, it will eventually flow to another person, who is most likely our partner or child.

What stands between Zhang Lu and Xu 10,000 is not a question of having children at all, but a question of daring to have children, because once having children, Xu 10,000' s control over his mother is likely to be transferred to the children, which will become a vicious circle passed down from generation to generation.

Wan gradually realized this, but my mother didn't understand. Does she think that everyone has been like this for thousands of years? It is Xu Yiwan who dotes on his wife too much.

Susan Forward, a doctor of psychology in the United States, said in her book Family Origin: How to Repair Your Personality Defects that the toxic family system is like a serial rear-end collision on the expressway, and its bad influence will be passed down from generation to generation. In Xu Yiwan's home, before he had any children, he unconsciously handed over control to Zhang Lu. What happens if you have children?

So Zhang Lu didn't dare to think. She wants to have children of her own, but she doesn't want to make a hasty decision now and wait until she kills the children in the future. About children, Xu Yiwan and his mother had a fierce quarrel:

As for what the problem is, everyone here should understand that Xu 10 thousand inherited his desire for control from his mother, and Zhang Lu was afraid that Xu 10 thousand would pass it on to his children. And Xu Yiwan's desire for control can be borne by himself, so why should innocent children bear all this?

But Xu Yiwan's mother didn't understand that the problem was with her, and she was still asking, even "that thing." When Xu ten thousand resisted, his mother tore heart crack lung said what every mother would say:

Xu ten thousand's mother forced Xu ten thousand and Zhang Lu to have children all day, but she didn't know they couldn't have children. The problem lies in her own manipulation. Getting rid of the toxic family system requires us to redefine love.

These are the last two words Ivan Xu said to Zhang Lu. Although each of us lives by our parents, we are an independent individual from birth. Although we all needed care from this family when we were young, each of us had our own unique feelings, which were not exactly the same as others.

As children grow up, they will eventually fly out of family of origin and have their own new families. If parents don't know how to let go, how can they become parents? What kind of parents will they be?

Love is never about control and taking. Once mutual love becomes so tense, the controlled and demanding party will try to cut the rope and escape alone. Just like Zhang Lu, she and Xu Wanwan are like-minded, without cheating and domestic violence, but because Xu Wanwan is too controlling, Zhang Lu still filed for divorce.

What Zhang Lu wants to escape is not only the marriage with Xu 10,000, but also Xu 10,000' s poisonous family model. She can't stand her children, and she will live in such a family environment in the future, and then she will be influenced and poisoned and passed on.

In the play Lost in Russia, Xu Yiwan's ubiquitous control, surveillance and monitoring made Xu Yiwan irresistible. He finally had to make an unreasonable request: from now on, the distance between you and me should be more than ten meters.

A mother who loses her sense of boundaries will bring endless troubles and embarrassment to her children, and her family and intimate relationship will also be hit hard. Nowadays, many couples who insist on our love at first are constantly hit by their parents, in-laws and consorts in their original families after marriage, and have to embark on the road of divorce physically and mentally.

Why are China's family members so lazy? They always want to spy on other people's husbands and wives and make a scene. We are always puzzled, but most of us just choose to avoid it when we can.

And we have gradually entered the marriage and family, how to avoid making us live like we hate, and be such an over-enthusiastic "dedicated" mother and wife?

Elizabeth Clary, a practical parenting expert with 40 years' experience, once said in her Farewell to Beating, Scolding and Spoiling that only parents who respect their own needs can raise more sunny, confident and healthy children.

She showed us two scenes:

When parents feel good about themselves, children are often relaxed and happy. They have time to watch ants crawling around and catch grasshoppers. Everything they need is at hand, and milk won't spill on the ground. Brothers, grandparents and sisters have their own fun. Even if this harmony is broken occasionally, it is also a happy episode.

However, when parents go through unpleasant days, children are often noisy and uncooperative, often frightened and afraid of doing something wrong, but they always do something wrong. The happy atmosphere is like being swept away by a tornado.

Therefore, when parents feel good about themselves, they will be efficient and the whole family will be happy. This requires parents to learn to motivate themselves and enjoy life. When we feel happy and happy, it is easier for others to relax and be happy.

As the core makers of many family atmospheres, their happiness is more important than anything else. However, in China families, many people ignore their mothers' feelings and regard them as family nannies. After having children, they don't need to have their own feelings at all. Everything revolves around them.

However, this kind of value that ignores the mother's personal needs is accepted by many mothers. There is often a prejudice in society and family, and it is the mother's responsibility for children to make mistakes, so this incorrect symbiotic relationship unconsciously strengthens the mother's control over children.

If you want to jump out of the old model and establish a healthier parent-child relationship, you have to change the existing concept.

First of all, we should understand that ignoring personal feelings will increase the pressure on both parents and children.

Many people think that it is natural for parents to pay for their children, which is beyond doubt, but from the actual situation, what we see is that the more they pay, the more they confront. Nowadays, honey-fed children always quarrel with their parents and run away from home, saying that life is meaningless. The reason is that we pay too much, making children a burden and blocking too many opportunities for children to experience.

Parents have their own needs and things to do, but we are afraid that others will say that we only care about ourselves and don't care about our children, so we put aside our own needs and revolve around our children. However, the result of doing so is only to make the child rebellious, but also to make you unhappy, so that your efforts will not be effective and your heart will collapse.

We always think that we can change the world. In fact, we can only change ourselves Our demands on others are realized by changing our own behaviors, thus affecting each other. If we don't understand this, it's futile for us to pay more.

Secondly, losing the dedication to their own life value will increase the total expenditure of mothers and children and reduce the total income of parents and children.

The mother and the child were originally two people, but when the mother gave up her life and pinned all her hopes on the child, no matter how good the result was, it was only one person's success.

The reality is that when a mother imposes her values on her children, she doesn't get as good results as her own direct action. Because children's values will not be exactly the same as those of their mothers, it is difficult for children to get the desired results without their internal driving force.

The life value of the suppressed or buried child makes the child's heart no longer complete, and the life value of the mother grafted on the child is also incomplete for the mother. Mother and son might as well let go and let them be liberated and become themselves, instead of being painfully bound.

Therefore, being a "selfish" mother will not only give you more sense of accomplishment, but also bring more freedom and create more happiness for your children. From now on, we can make changes:

1, do what you like.

2. Leave some time alone for yourself

3. Arrange the time in your life

Only by respecting your own needs can you make yourself better, become a better example for your children, and let them live the life they want.

At the end of the film Lost in Russia, Xu Yiwan's mother participated in the performance of the Red Star Grand Theatre in Moscow to commemorate the 70th anniversary of the establishment of diplomatic relations between China and Russia, and received many invitations to perform. Her life finally bloomed in her later years, and Xu 10,000 and Zhang Lu will never be caught in the battle for the patent right of Nunba because of interest disputes. In life, you have a good life, that is, the sun is shining.

Everyone is an independent individual, and everyone should have a complete life. Without a dedicated mother and wife, our life will be more refreshing. Really let the world let a hundred flowers blossom, let us bloom separately, and beauty does not compete for spring.