The dusk of the night
A war
"Pa", Axi's slap fell heavily on my face, which was not loud, but as dull as the sound of patting on the dough. In an instant, five neat and slender fingerprints were left on my left face. Axi's fingers are like women's fingers. I've kissed these hands that look like women countless times. But this slap almost deleted our three years and six months together. This slap also almost shattered all the happy times we had together. All this is just because of what I just said to axi. I just said to him, "Axi, let's break up!" " "I had a hunch before I said this. I am looking for a cigarette.
However, I have made up my mind. Break up.
The slap fixed me in the chair, but I couldn't turn around after waiting for a long time. Assi hit me and apologized to me. He cried and gently stroked the fingerprint on my face: "I'm sorry, Miao!" " Sorry, I didn't mean to! Sorry, I was wrong! "However, the anger I accumulated in my chest made me push him to the ground heavily. I said, "Axi, be a man and don't be so cowardly, okay?" "It's just breaking up!"
In the quiet and empty room, Axi suddenly screamed: "I don't-!"
I said, "Yes, you must!" I made up my mind.
However, Axi said that he loved me and that he could not live without me. He knelt in front of me like a pug and tearfully begged me not to break up with him. He said his world can't live without me. He said he couldn't find his way home without me. Tears fell silently from my face. Finally, I once again compromised in persistence.
Night is coming. In the dark night, in this lonely city in a foreign land, Axi and I hugged each other tightly, and we cried! I can't remember how many times I've done this with Asi.
After the storm, we made up again. However, I don't know how long this situation between us can last. Because there is a pain in my heart that forces me to leave Axi.
I know, between us, it's me.
Erxiehou
This southern town is not big, but it is called a city after all. People call it Rain City. There is a river in the center of the city. People who come to this city call it Qingyi River. But locals like to call it Qiang Jiang. Where there is a river, there is a bridge, but the bridge is antique and is called a covered bridge.
The love with Axi is in such a city. The year was 2003. summer
Axi was 35 when we met. I 18 years old. I said to Axi, "My name is Miao! Vivi for short. " An Xi often jokes about my name: Look at the name you choose, Vivi! Why not call it "meow"? Why don't we call it "cat"? Then he laughed impudently. Or a cute little cat!
Yes, I am a kitten. Asi often calls me that. This man 17 years older than me.
But Asi said that he likes me, and he told me that age is not a problem, and height is not a distance. He also said that the age gap of 17 years old is only a numerical concept for him, as long as I am willing. So, we live together. Axi said he didn't care about the character of our kitten. Yes, kitten, he often calls me so gently. In the hot summer of 2003, he called me all season like this.
What we really know is on the way to Tibet. That summer, I went to Tibet alone to escape a man's entanglement, but when I entered Ganzi Prefecture and climbed Zheduo Mountain at an altitude of 4,300 meters, I suddenly felt altitude sickness. First shortness of breath, then a splitting headache, vomiting and fainting, and finally, unconsciousness. At that moment, I thought I would die alone on this exotic mountain.
It goes without saying that Axi saved me. When the bus driver looked at me at a loss, Axi stood up decisively. After squeezing my chest several times in vain, he gave me artificial respiration with his thick and soft lips in public. ...
Later, I learned that we lived in the same city-Rain City. He is planning in an advertising company, while I am selling in a newly developed property. We are all migrant workers who came to this city.
Later, I learned that Axi is actually a divorced man. But I said to Axi, "I love you. You kissed me hard on the way to the Sichuan-Tibet line. " I said to myself firmly and seriously in my heart, "Axi, I want to be your woman in my life!" " "
This commitment is three years and six months. Today, three years and six months later, our love seems to have come to an end. Between us, the pain began to spread endlessly in this city called Rain City.
Three injuries
Another quarrel with Asi was at midnight. We lay back to back in the rented house. Although it is midnight, I still toss and turn and can't sleep. I know Asi, like me, must have opened her eyes at the moment. Although he didn't move, I could feel it.
I said, "Axi, let's break up! Let's stop making noise, or we will hurt each other more! This result is not what we originally wanted. " I didn't say a word.
I went on to say, "Let's have a good rest! I know you love me, and you are very kind to me. But love is one thing, and some things are another! " For a long time, Axi still didn't reply. I suddenly felt something was wrong. I put my hand into his face, and Axi burst into tears!
My anger was ignited in an instant. I hate such a cowardly man who cries like a little woman. Although I know this kind of tears is because of love, I still cruelly threw out more vicious words: "you are a coward who only knows how to cry." Do you still feel like a man? "
After a long time, Axi said coldly, "Break up? Give me a reason! There is no way to get rid of me like this! "
I was completely angered by his tepid attitude: "Why? I will give it to you! I tell you axi, in fact, I have never loved you! " I said bitterly, "Never! With you, I just want to repay you for saving my life! You don't look at yourself in the mirror, and you can't see how deep the wrinkles are on your face. Do you think you deserve me? You are simply an old cow who wants to eat young grass! " The more I talk, the crazier I get. The more I said it, the more excited I became: "You saved my life on the plateau. I've been with you for over three years. That's enough, Ash. That's enough. I'll make it clear to you! "
When the slap in the face hit me loudly again, the voice echoed alone in the empty and dark room. It's midnight. This is the second time that Asi hit me.
After this evening, I began to separate beds with Asi. My indifference to Assi is enough to ruin everything we once had. However, Assi turned a blind eye to my indifference. He clings to me like a follower all day. He still cares about me, still makes my favorite crispy rice slices, and still says to me at the door of my room every morning, I love you, kitten.
I know that this man won't cry until he sees the coffin.
Four unique strategies
When I brought Hui home, I said to Axi, "This is Hui, my new boyfriend!" " "Axi instantly lost his smile on his face.
Hui stayed in my room that night.
I found axi gone the next morning. When Hui and I got up, he had gone to the house alone. He left me a letter on the dining table in the living room:
My dear Simon Simon:
By the time you read this letter, I have left the house where we lived for three years and six months. I don't think I have ever loved any woman as much as I love you. Although I don't know if my love is a kind of love for you. However, I am, and I love you deeply.
Although, at this moment to say love and not love, in fact, it has long been empty and unrealistic But I still want to tell you a story about my ex-wife and me.
Actually, my ex-wife and I are not divorced. My ex-wife's name is Mei Zi, and we met in college. After graduating from college, we held a wedding in a hurry despite the opposition of our parents and relatives. At that time, we were poor, but we loved each other deeply and could die for each other. After a year of marriage, Mei Zi was pregnant with our child.
But when disaster strikes, we are all caught off guard.
It was a stormy summer night, because I worked overtime, I talked with an advertiser about product advertising planning. Plum came to give me an umbrella with a big belly, but as soon as she went out, Plum slipped on the doorstep. After that fall, Mei Zi never stood up again. When I came home in the middle of the night and saw Plum, her body was already stiff. Blood flowed all over the floor from her lower body. But the umbrella is tightly held in plum's hand.
From then on, I vowed that I would never get married, in order to wait for plum's loyal love for me!
It was not until 10 years later that I miraculously met you on the Sichuan-Tibet line. Simon, do you believe in reincarnation? You and plum look so much alike.
So you ignited my long-frozen feelings. I gave you my heart, I gave you all my love! But, Simon, I find I can't do anything for you!
You finally abandoned me! However, I still wish you and Hui happiness forever!
Asi
August 2006
When tears seeped through the back of the paper, who heard the sound of tearing inside me!
Five are floating outside.
I was admitted to the hospital shortly after Asi left me. I am so ill that I can hardly speak. I motioned for Hui to come to see me every day and not to waste time on me.
However, it was Axi who appeared in front of my hospital bed the next day. Axi looked at my weakness and cried. He held my hand and said to me with hate and love, "Why didn't you tell me?" Why didn't you tell me earlier? "I want to say something, but I find that I have no strength!
It was Hui who told Asi everything.
When I came back from that trip to Tibet, I often found myself with headache, chest tightness and vomiting, similar to the altitude hypoxia reaction on Zheduo Mountain. Later, I went to have a CT examination behind my back. A check is like a bolt from the blue. The doctor said that my brain is shrinking at an alarming rate. What causes it is still a mystery, and more importantly, there is no specific treatment plan that can be implemented.
When I found that my illness was getting worse, I decided to drive Axi away. I don't want to drag this man I love deeply. So, I want to drive this man away from me! So, we started quarreling, and then I hurt him more cruelly. Finally, Hui's appearance drove him away. Its benefit is my cousin, and we agreed to keep this secret for me. Actually, my cousin and I played that night. I think it is a kind of love not to let the person I love bear the burden for myself!
However, Assi said to me, "Katie, you owe me. You can't leave me. You stole my heart, you stole all my love! You must pay me back! You can't leave unless you pay me back. If you want to go, you stay and you go! "
Tears deeply penetrated into the white pillow, and I felt it when I slid across my face. That's a warm humidity!
Forgetting lasts longer than missing.
White room, white bedding and sheets, everything in the room is like a white place outside the window. Everything in the room is white, which means that I am lying in a hospital bed now; It is a white place outside. This is a few days of heavy snow. According to the weather forecast, this snow is rare in this southern city for ten years. In addition, what I can feel outside is firecrackers far and near. Today is New Year's Eve. I can only lie quietly in my hospital bed, because I just had an abortion operation three hours ago.
There are warm tears sliding through my ears.
This is my memory of the winter of 2005. This is the fifth child I have aborted for Lin in more than a year!
May 1 2004 I will never forget that day, which was the day when I met Lin. Ordinary and special days, ordinary days are nothing special to me, I should do what I should do. In particular, I met Lin on this day, and it coincided with the May Day holiday! In fact, it doesn't matter whether it is a big holiday or not, because it doesn't seem to matter to an unemployed person like me. It has been almost two months since I came to this southern city. My job has hit a wall everywhere, my resume is like a mud cow in the sea, but my money is running out!
Actually, when I met Lin, he was poorer than me. The poor had no food to eat, so they ran to the muddy river to drink water. When I met Lin, he said that he had not eaten for three days. We met at the entrance to the labor market. Two down-and-out young people come together to warm each other because of poverty and suffering!
In the later days, Lin told me that if he hadn't met me, he really couldn't imagine what his next life would be like. He said, "I used to want to beg." When he said this, Lin's eyes shone with dazzling tears, and he had a tragic feeling of going through hardships!
At first, when we were with Lin, when we talked about it later, we were all scared. At that time, we shared a rented house less than 10 square meter, and eating and drinking Lazar were all done in this cramped space. The two of us searched the whole body, and all that was left was the 100 round coin I usually stored there. Looking at the 100 coin lying by the bed, we looked at each other silently.
During that time, our frugality was almost beyond our imagination. Fortunately, more than 20 days later, Lin found a job as a newspaper editor. Three days later, I also got a job as a customer representative of a tea import and export company.
The night I got a job, Lin suggested that we celebrate. We took out the last four coins, and Lin bought a bottle of Bian Er (Beijing Erguotou), and the remaining 1 yuan bought two Jin of Chinese cabbage. In the evening, Lin drank the fried cabbage. I also had a drink with Lin. He never drank before, so we talked over it. In fact, Lin's capacity for liquor is not high. By the time Pinger bottomed out, we were already crying for land!
After that night, Lin moved from bunk bed to my bed. After that night, I became Lin's woman.
That year, I was 2 1 year old and Lin was 29 years old. We live together.
However, who would have thought that Lin turned out to be my first man!
I often think that 1 won 100 coin is enough to prove our love, and the feelings we suffered in the most difficult days should also be the most real touch to life. So that in the later days, we often can't help asking each other: "You said, how could it take more than 20 days for the coin of 100 at that time?" How much more is it in a southern city with high consumption? "However, none of us can answer.
I loved love, and I killed five children for him.
With the stability of my work with Lin, our days are getting more and more moist. From the second month after everyone got their salary, we moved into a newly rented apartment and added pots and pans. In an instant, we lived a small life without food and clothing. Lin danced and told me that this was only the first step. The next step is to March into a well-off life, and then communism is not far away.
Perhaps because of the increasingly relaxed living environment, coupled with a friend in need, my feelings for Lin are growing day by day. Although, none of us mentioned marriage. In those days, we came home from work every day, just cooking. Whoever goes home first cooks, and then we eat while watching TV. After dinner, Lin and I will play on the floor, and then we will boldly go to each other's private parts, and then we will have sex. Sometimes I do it five or six times a night, which is very enjoyable. Lin has the habit of making love. He doesn't like wearing condoms. Sometimes I tease him and say, "What can I do without a helmet?" This is not obeying the traffic rules! What if I get caught by the police? "Lin said that wearing a helmet is uncomfortable, which is like washing feet with socks. He asked me, "Do you feel comfortable?" Then give me a sly smile.
Soon, Lin's connivance came true for me. The next month, his period (menstruation) will not die. I said to Lin, this is over, maybe the police caught me! Go to the hospital for a urine test, and sure enough!
The doctor said to me coldly, "Yes or no?" For Lin and I, whether this sentence is asked or not, the result is the same and the answer is yes. The doctor leaned over coldly and said, "Then the medicine will flow first, and then the palace will be cleared!" "
Lin specially asked for a day off to accompany me for surgery. I held Lin's hand all the time during the medical abortion. Although the pharmacological action of the lower abdomen makes me feel unbearable pain and makes my forehead sweat profusely, I always believe that what I hold in my hand is a love worthy of my trust and persistence. I firmly believe that Lin and I will eventually make a positive result! After all, the hard time with Lin has come. When I was on the operating table, I repeatedly asked the doctor to let Lin into the operating room. At my repeated request, the doctor chartered Lin to enter the operating room. Only I know the real reason why I want Lin to enter the operating room most, because I want to hold Lin's hand and hold it tightly as if it were the last straw in my life.
When the cold gynecological instrument reached into my lower body, I first shivered, and then I felt heartbreaking pain. I think at this moment, the cold instrument is in my uterus, sucking the only granulation left by that young life.
This is my first child with Lin.
The moment Lin picked me up from the operating table, I finally couldn't help it, and tears came to my eyes. I plunged into Lin's arms, tears running wild. Looking at the small pieces of gray-purple meat floating in the clear water taken away by the doctor, Lin aroused my nickname for the first time. Lin said, "Lulu, it's okay. You'll be fine!" " "
Perhaps, people are like this, they forget the pain after removing the scar. After aborting the first child, Lin once vowed in front of me that preventive measures must be taken in the future, or you will be arrested by the police again. See how hard you work! However, Lin still doesn't like to wear condoms every time she has sex. He said wearing them was not happy at all! Sometimes, he tries to put it on, but once he puts it on, he doesn't even have the interest to do it, or it ends in a hurry.
As a result, I have been pregnant continuously, and sometimes I have just miscarried for more than a month and got pregnant again. After half a year, because of constant abortion and pregnancy, I lost 18 Jin, and my health became worse and worse. I don't know how much sex accounts for in the feelings between men and women; I don't know how much influence wearing condoms has on male sexual pleasure. I only know that I love Lin. As long as he is willing, as long as he is happy, I am willing to let him indulge in my body.
In the Spring Festival of 2006, I chose to stay in this southern city instead of going back to my hometown. Because I am pregnant again, this is the fifth child that Lin made me pregnant. On New Year's Eve, I took the fifth child's life again. Lying alone in the hospital bed, thinking about the scene where everyone is having a reunion dinner at the moment, I pulled up the quilt and covered my face, and tears welled up again!
Lin didn't accompany me this time He went back to his hometown Wuxi for the New Year!
To my surprise, my nightmare has just begun. This abortion has become a fatal destruction that I will never regret in my life!
Who prescribed me as a red prescription for your healing?
Just after the Spring Festival in 2006, Lin returned to the southern city. But when we first met, he said this to me: "Lulu, I thought a lot about going home alone this time. I think there are some things I must tell you, otherwise, my soul will be restless! " "This is the second time that Lin has called my nickname since we met for more than a year.
I know something very important is about to happen, because I read from Lin's expression that I have never been so persistent and serious!
In the evening, when I came home from work, Lin had cooked dinner. Lin only turned on a wall lamp, which made the light in the room much dimmer than before. When I came back, Lin didn't greet me as usual, but sat quietly at the table with his head down. When I was near the forest, I clearly saw everything on the table. There is only one plate of fried cabbage for dinner on the table, and five bottles are lying around on the table. You can see that two bottles have been drunk by Lin, lying there quietly.
I had the cheek to smile and say to Lin, "Hey, it's so sweet to think of today's painful experience! Eat so sparingly? "
Lin said, "Today is Memorial Day! Pay homage to the more than 20 days we spent together and all the days we passed together! "
Lin told me to sit down. He said, "Lulu, no matter what stories and languages you hear from me next, I hope you can listen to me quietly." This is my plea to you! "This is the third time that Lin has called my nickname.
I said, "Tell me!"
Lin unscrewed the edge of another bottle, looked up and swallowed half a bottle.
Lin said: "In fact, I have never loved you, never! Actually, I just broke up with my ex-girlfriend for three days before I met you! We have been in love for seven years, seven years! Later, she took everything from me, from material to body and soul. There is nothing left. I wandered around the city like a madman, and I was like a hollowed-out corpse. I have nothing. I am broke. I want to die! However, I met you by mistake. It is your innocence and sunshine that give me the courage to live. It is your kindness and love that make my bleeding wound heal slowly in decay. However, I don't love you. Not at all. You are just a panacea for my wounds. My life depends on you and I can't extricate myself. "
Hearing this, tears fell silently from my face. It turns out that everything is an illusion. It turned out that everything was just a scam.
It turns out that I am just a prescription for others to treat!
I shouted at the top of my lungs. You beast, you bastard, you big liar. I killed five children for you, and now you say you never loved me!
Yes, he really never said "love me"!
My slap fell on Lin's face, but it was Lin's tears that splashed!
Lin said that he had packed his bags and hobbled away at midnight. When the door closes quietly, the pain continues to spread!
But, Lin, do you know how much this red healing prescription hurts me? After I aborted the fifth child for you, the doctor told me that it is unlikely to have any more children in the future!
Even more frightening, Lin, I hate you, but I can't! Because in those stormy days, you have already become a delicate relative in my mind!