1. I bought a bag of oranges before, but my roommate peeled them and put them in my mouth without saying hello. I kindly remind you, don't eat too many oranges, it's easy to get angry! He doesn't think so, that's all right. Say that finish stretched out his hand to get, didn't stop. You haven't finished, have you? I lost patience, grabbed the stool and threw it at him. I told you that eating oranges is easy to get angry. You don't believe me, Cao!

2. A comedian told People that every time he asked his mother for money when he was a child, her mother always said, "What do you think I look like, like a bank?" In fact, the actor said that for a teenager, parents are banks. If I really go to the bank to ask for money myself, the cashier will definitely say, "What do you think I look like, like your mother?"

3. My son is eighteen, and he is taking the college entrance examination this year. Learn every day, damn it every day. Say, if you can't get into college, you can't even find a wife, let alone have a baby. The son said, if you want to watch the children play, you should have one with my father quickly. I have no time to study.

I forgot to put the air conditioner remote control there. I searched for a circle, but I had no choice but to enter the air-conditioning remote control on Baidu. What if I lose it? The first result is to see if the air conditioner is installed. (Please keep it. I suddenly realized that I climbed into bed and touched it on the air conditioner. It's really there! Du Niang, you are really omnipotent!

My friend's son is eight years old and learns Taekwondo in his spare time. One day I fought with my classmates at school and got three stitches in my head. A friend was called to the school to apologize to the parents of the child who was beaten and compensate for the medical expenses. Go home at night and beat his son up. While playing, I asked my son angrily, is it for nothing that I spend so much money to send you to learn Taekwondo every day, and do you fight with others with bricks? !

6. My girlfriend and I got lost in the wild. I didn't eat for three days and nights. I looked at my girlfriend's desperate expression. I was so hungry that I bit her face. Don't say, this powder is quite strong.

The reporter went to visit the master, who meditated for four hours every day. When the reporter got there, he said to the master, Master, you meditate for four hours every day. Why? The master said, I absorbed the essence of heaven and earth in the first two hours, but not in the last two hours. . . The reporter thought that the master had nothing to say, so he answered. The master absorbed the essence of the sun and the moon and said shyly. . My legs are numb and I can't stand up. .

8. I bought a scratch music when I was shopping and won 400 yuan. I ran home happily all the way and told my wife that after a long time of happiness, my wife said, hand it over. .

9. Party A said to Party B, "Recently, my son often does some immoral things and doesn't listen to me. He said he only listened to idiots. Please advise my son! b，

10, a, benefactor, being original comes from the eastern soil of Datang, and I want to change something from you! B, oh, I wonder what the master wants to change? Excuse me, patroness, have you ever heard of daylight?

1 1. There are two idiots in the dormitory who bet to quit smoking. Whoever wants to smoke first will give it to the other party 100 yuan. At nine o'clock in the evening, one finally couldn't help smoking one in the bathroom, and the other idiot said, 100 I don't want it. Please let me smoke one.

12, my father is a big shot in the army, and my brother works in a western enterprise. Superior conditions have developed his domineering character. On one occasion, he made trouble in Bath City, killed Wen Xun's security guard and the boss's son, and blocked the boss at the gate of the court and beat him up. Under the pressure of public opinion, he was forced to commit suicide. Soon, he appeared in public. This is Nezha.

13, many people like to get C when they can't do multiple-choice questions. Some analysts say that this is because C stands for right and gives people a strong psychological hint. I think this statement is far-fetched. The real reason is that C stands for Cao. I chose C just to vent my dissatisfaction, but I can't do C! Choose c, choose c, choose c!

14, my family has a son of 1 1 year old. Today, I told my son that when you grow up and go to work, give your mother the red ticket you earned. My son glared at me and said, "No, then I have no money to eat." . I said I'd give you change, and my son replied, Oh, then I'll change all the red tickets into zero.

15, a, I think I have acrophobia. B Then show me! I said, I have acrophobia. B, yes! Take out your papers!

16, kidnapping, I quietly blindfolded you; Heart disease, you are my chest pain forever; Schadenfreude, when the old cat was driven out by its owner, the mouse came out to see me off; When I say murder with a knife, I mean a robber who is too poor to even have a knife; Generation gap, just adapted to his son's long hair, he shaved his head again; Apple, its most brilliant moment is hitting Newton on the head;

17, the doctor said that urine should be held at 3: 30 in the afternoon for color Doppler ultrasound. I am obedient, and I can't hold it any longer. . . Why are you telling me in front of more than 20 people? You want to suffocate me! ! !

18. My dad sent me a message just now, and I heard from my colleagues that there was a neon Christmas tree more than ten meters high in front of the station, which was particularly beautiful. Shall I drive you to have a look at it tonight? I was beautiful when I suddenly received a text message from my mother. Eat by yourself at night, and mom will go out. Just wondering, I received a text message from my dad three minutes later. I sent it wrong just now. It's addressed to your mother. Find yourself a fluorescent lamp.

19. I went to the Civil Affairs Bureau to get married with my wife in the morning. When you go out, ask, this is where I apply for a divorce certificate. . . Kneel at home and rub the washboard at the moment.

In other words, a prisoner was shot. Because the bullet was made in a fake factory, the first shot didn't go out, the second shot didn't go out, and then the third shot and the fourth shot ... The prisoner couldn't stand it, crying and saying a classic sentence, big brother, don't waste any more bullets, you strangle me, this is too fucking scary!

2 1, my daughter is getting smarter and smarter. Today, when I was eating out, I walked back with two cream cakes and accidentally dropped one on the way. When the daughter saw it, she immediately shouted, Dad, you dropped that piece!

22. A gentleman drank a glass of brandy in a bar. When checking out, the waitress carefully looked at the money paid, and her face fell and said, Sir, your money is fake! The gentleman looked up and casually asked, "Is your brandy real?" ?

23, Q, how to praise the beauty of the goddess in one sentence, but also a powerless confession. If my mother had your daughter-in-law, she wouldn't worry about her grandson being ugly.

24. The candle went out unexpectedly. After investigation, the police found that matches were the biggest suspect, so they took them away. At the police station. Police, matches, say why did you put out the candle? Matches, officer, I'm innocent. We went camping that day, and the candle said we couldn't see it at night, so I had to light it.

25. I'm going to get a license with my girlfriend. I just had a good talk with her. I said, "Have you thought about it?" Are you sure you want to get a license with me? She nodded solemnly, and I was relieved. I also said, "You can't quarrel and break up when you are angry." . She said, I know, I want to talk about divorce.

26. I am really sorry. My cleanliness is really serious. I saw a girl in a bar that day who was too dirty, so I dragged her to my house to give her a bath. That's what happened, presiding judge.

27. A disabled person begging in a car met an insurance seller. When he reached out for money, the insurance company sold him insurance in turn. . . Disabled people say insurance is good, but I have no money. The insurer replied, nothing, you'll have it soon, I'll wait for you!

28. The foreign ambassador intends to give a pair of rare canaries as a gift. However, one died before being sent to the king. The ambassador had no choice but to catch another local canary to make up for the loss. The king was very happy to see this precious canary, but he didn't understand why there was a local one in the cage. "Because this canary is abroad in ..............," replied the ambassador.

It rained heavily, so I took a taxi back to the hotel. After getting off the bus, I found that my mobile phone was gone, and I couldn't take care of the heavy rain. I chased the taxi and shouted, master. Stopped 100 meters, found the phone in the left hand. But at this point, the driver's master has stopped to ask me, what's the matter? I stood in the heavy rain and shouted to the master, "It's raining slowly." Later, the master married my daughter to me.

30. Manager, after reading your resume, it is true that you were hired by our company! Me, thank you, manager! Manager, you have many advantages. Tell me what else you have! I want to know more about you so that I can assign work! Me, my weakness is honesty! Manager, are you honest? This is not a shortcoming! Me? Really? Fat man!

3 1. My mother called me and said, "Your cousin brought a girlfriend home yesterday. When will you bring one back? " ? I put down the phone and immediately rented a girlfriend to go home. My mother saw it and said, "Isn't this the girl your cousin brought home yesterday?"

32. If you could go back in time, what would you do? B: I want to plant a durian tree in Newton's yard. Third, go and replace Edison's hen with a rooster. Ding advised Lu Xun to study medicine.

33. The doctor asked, how did the patient break his bone? A: I feel sand in my shoes, so I shake my shoes with a telephone pole. I shake and shake. Someone thought I was electrocuted, so they grabbed a stick and gave me two. The doctor asked, how did the patient break his bone? A: I feel sand in my shoes, so I shake my shoes with a telephone pole. I shake and shake. Someone thought I was electrocuted, so they grabbed a stick and gave me two.

34. I watch TV with my sister. My mother came over with two apples. My sister grabbed them and said, "It's all mine. Mother said angrily, "One for each person." Then Lz happily grabbed one from her sister and said with a smile, it's still mom. My mother snatched it from me again, took a bite, and said with a straight face, "It's not you. "

The reporter and the police went to the scene by bus to arrest the suspect. Pol.ice told reporters in the car that our captain had made a survey around the scene. . . Then the reporter pointed to a man outside the car and said that the big fat man in vest, shorts and slippers and a fan in his hand looked suspicious. Could it be a suspect? The policeman said, "That's our captain." . .

36. I was hospitalized with a cold and I asked the nurse when I changed the medicine. Your nurse's uniform is not as good as that on TV. My little sister said without looking back, you are looking at the clothes of Japanese and Korean nurses, not mine.

37.a, I want to know what kind of person my goddess is. I pay attention to her trumpet. B, then what? A, she slapped me in the face and kicked me out of the toilet. It's a trumpet!

Physical education class, the long jump teacher, surprised a fat long jump classmate. The teacher asked him if he could jump into the pit. The fat man proudly said, it doesn't matter where I jump, it's all a pit.

39. Three children chat together and say what is the most poisonous! Children A and mosquitoes are the most poisonous. My brother's hand was bitten by a mosquito, red and itchy. Children B and wasps are the most poisonous. My brother was stung by a wasp and is still swollen and painful. Son c thought for a long time and said, "I don't know what stabbed my sister." Her belly is round and big! "

40. Husband, how lucky I am to find such a good wife in my last life! Wife, it's not your blessing, it's my sin in my last life!

4 1, I just washed my socks and underwear and went to the bathroom. When I came back, I saw my roommate holding my underwear and smelling it all the time! I feel terrible. . . Just then, the goods came, fuck, you used my laundry detergent again. . .

42. Exercise can really change a person's fate. My wife listened to Lao Wang next door and started running with him in the morning five years ago. She hasn't come back yet.

43. Opposite the building where I live is another residential building. Yesterday morning when I was watching the scenery on the balcony, I saw a beautiful girl waving at me from the opposite building through the window, and I waved to her. Then she ran to another window and waved to me, and I waved to her. Then she left again, and I realized it until the third window waved to me again. It turned out that she was cleaning the window.

44. At dusk, I jog on the industrial road. A young man ran up from behind me, screaming in my ear, run! What happened? I asked the young man next to me. Run. The young man ran ahead of me. After chasing 500 meters quickly, I asked breathlessly, what's the matter? You run too slowly. The young man left me and ran away.

45. A man and a woman went to the Civil Affairs Bureau to register, and the office staff asked if there was a premarital medical examination. The woman whispered shyly, I checked, it's been three months!

Tell me the funniest joke in 2020.

Tell me the funniest joke of 20xx.

Get a marriage certificate with your daughter-in-law first. After I got it, I asked her: Is there anything you want to say to me? These idiots said: don't worry about accidental pregnancy in the future!

Second, why do you feel dizzy when watching a computer? Your computer may have been hit by a Trojan horse! What Trojan horse makes users dizzy?

Third, I haven't been with the female ticket for a long time. I opened a nice room today and asked her out. I hugged her: you are so beautiful today! She: You are so sweet. Why didn't you ask me out for so long? Against my will, I am very busy. I'll make it up for you today! She: My relatives are here. I am depressed: then think of something else! She: I have a sore throat and hemorrhoids. There is really no way! Me: Then go and wash your face.

Fourth, pick up the phone, the pink and tender phone case. Unlock the password and read the address book. Note that all spare tires have been sent out. Honey, I don't have enough money The account number is * * * * *. . I went to collect the money, and the text message really kept ringing. .

5. A president who lost his job, stopped his salary and lost his year-end bonus when the Spring Festival approached. Presidents are like this. If they don't do well, they will be laid off and eliminated! What reason do we have not to work hard and struggle!

Sixth, my buddy went to the construction site to apply for a job, and the boss of the construction site said that he would go to 800 yuan every month without food and shelter. Do you want to do it? My buddy said angrily that I was 16 years old and mixed in major construction sites. You think I just graduated from college? The boss quickly said, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's my fault. So, 6000 yuan a month for food and shelter, what do you think?

What's it like to be single for a long time? On the way after work, I met a young woman with a child. When we walk side by side in a row, I feel I am the head of the family!

Eight, that buddy once had a girlfriend and never had a boyfriend. She secretly told me that she was infertile and didn't want to hurt others. She and I were drunk the day I was lovelorn, and we stayed in a hotel for one night. Now looking at the son of the full moon, I can't help telling him that your mother is a liar!

Nine, eating in the restaurant, my colleague ran over and said that there was too much rice. He gave me a big piece of rice on the plate. Then he said, reciprocate and take the biggest piece of meat from my plate. .

Ten, a buddy went to take the IELTS test, and after reading the questions during the oral test, he habitually said, my day. The examiner knows a little Chinese, so he asks what it means. He said, this is because we China people use the power of the sun to motivate ourselves when encountering major problems!

1 1. My wife has a cold, so she has to go to bed to eat and drink, and even help her to go to the toilet. However, when she heard that clothes on the Internet were on sale, she jumped up. She was full of energy and chose a mobile phone for half an hour. After paying the money, she went back to bed and instantly fell ill. .

There is a delicate girl in the office who is the goddess of all diaosi. Everyone likes to play a joke on her when something happens. . . Today, many diaosi teased her collectively. After talking a few dirty jokes, the goddess blushed slightly and was very anxious. She said loudly: I am still a cucumber girl ~

Thirteen, a person's maturity is not reflected in how many achievements he has made, but in the face of those people and things he hates, he does not cater to them, does not contradict them, and just smiles indifferently. When the heart can accommodate a lot of things that you don't like, this is called aura!

14. An old lady hurried to the police station to report that her grandson's rhubarb had been lost. As soon as pol.ice heard that this was a big event, he appeased the old lady and asked about the specific loss. . . When pol.ice asked about the physical characteristics of rhubarb, the old lady said that rhubarb was five years old, with yellow hair, strong limbs and gentle personality, and had never bitten anyone. . .

Fifteen, my good friend who has been single suddenly invited us to dinner, and everyone thought he had found a girlfriend. I learned from him at the hotel that today is the tenth anniversary of his blind date.

My wife was drunk and came home late. Wife: Husband, I have acquired a super power. Would you like to have a try?

In the mall, woman: What do you think home is? Man: Where you are, I am there. She: Then welcome me to your home. I will take it.

18. It's a little strange to wake up every day recently. I always feel that things at home have been touched. I suspected that someone had sneaked in, so I installed surveillance at home. Looking back at the surveillance the next morning, my god! I was scared out in a cold sweat. I didn't expect to be so handsome when sleeping!

19. At three o'clock one night, the duty room received a three-level alarm from the Municipal Bureau. The police reported that the roof of his bungalow had collapsed and the situation was urgent. Please call the police for help. Poll. Ice calmed the policeman iceman's mood and quickly went to the police. When asked about the location information of the policeman, the policeman suddenly said, I'm sorry, officer! I just had a dream!

Husband: Daughter-in-law, there is a hole in my sock. Wife: It's too long to cut your nails. Husband: Yes, I haven't cut my nails for a long time, and my daughter-in-law has a hole in her underwear. My wife gave me a squint and said, that must be a fart collapse.

Twenty-one, go shopping with your girlfriend. Sitting opposite is a beautiful woman in a short skirt. I subconsciously squatted down and pretended to look for something to peek at. My girlfriend found out: What did you see? I grabbed my girlfriend and squatted down: Look, you two bumped into each other.

Husband: What super power? Wife: You can put a hat on your head without hands.

23. My blood pressure has been a little low recently, and I was a little groggy last night. I asked my husband to make me a cup of brown sugar water. My husband left, and I couldn't find brown sugar for a long time. I said anything as long as it's sugar ~ I saw gum floating in the cup, so I wanted him to continue sleeping on the sofa.

24. Courier: Hello, is this Guanyin? Come to the doorman to pick up your delivery. Recipient: I am still Tathagata. You dialed the wrong number? Courier: That's right. I have a courier here for you, and the consignee has left. Recipient: Fuck you, my name is Zheng Yue.

Twenty-five, learn to maintain a certain sense of loneliness in the crowd, and don't tell others immediately if you have an idea. Besides, don't take what others say too seriously. Don't expect too much from others, whether morally or ideologically. We should cultivate an attitude of being indifferent to other people's opinions, because this is the most practical means to cultivate commendable tolerance.

Twenty-six, grab the red envelope and grab the soft hand. In the afternoon, I robbed 50 yuan Rolls-Royce Car Purchase Voucher, 20 yuan European Ten Country Tour Cash Voucher, and 100 Yuan Sanya Seascape Villa House Purchase Voucher. Just grabbed the 1 10,000 red envelope and the 1 10,000 Boeing 747 coupon. I am so excited!

Twenty-seven, a rich second generation wanted to find a wife, saying that the city was too open and decided to marry the girl in the village. Later, he found it. On the wedding day, the rich second generation asked him, do you know what sex is? The girl in the village said she didn't know. It's over, the woman said. I'll take the exam. It's called sex. I used to do this every day when I was herding cattle with my cousin.

Twenty-eight or three months ago, the young man made an appointment with a girl online, and then they met in a coffee shop. The girl ordered three bottles of red wine and a fruit bowl, and the checkout cost more than 10 thousand. . . Three months later, the young man came to the police and said that he had been cheated. He didn't ask for arrest or money back. He just came to talk to the police and didn't feel well. .

Twenty-nine, I bought a new Regal, which drives high-grade oil. Well, cars of general descent are like this. Yes, but that's not the main reason. What is the main reason? The main reason is that I don't know the truth

Thirty, the wind is not small, and my wife insists on wearing a skirt when she goes out. As soon as I went out, my wife pulled me back and asked me, how did you go? Wife: Go home and change your pants on a windy day. I'm surprised you took your brain out today. . . Then the stupid wife directly scared me to pee: the wind is so strong that I have to change a pair of beautiful underwear. . .

Thirty-one, are you seeing someone? Been together for n years. Why not get married? Family objection? No, the state government opposes it. This is the coolest and most tragic coming out I have ever heard.

Take time to hate the person you hate, and you won't have much time to love the person you like. Take time to care about things that upset you, and you won't have much time to experience things that make you happy. Hate, worry, anxiety and sadness are all brought by others, but time is yours. So saving time is more important than anything else.

Thirty-three, cheating is like driving. Men know to step on the brakes on the edge of derailment, while women often can't tell the difference between braking and throttle.

Thirty-four, in the morning, my father scolded me: people who are nearly thirty have done nothing but play all day, and see who is in other people's homes and who has started a company like you. I casually said: You are as old as Ma Yun. Look at him. Dad suddenly fell silent and stared at me. Should I run?

Thirty-five, the electronic violation handling hall is overcrowded, and everyone has a number list. A sister asked me: Brother, you came later than me, so why did you finish in front? Me: Beauty, I was forced to detain my car, with a one-time deduction of 12 points. It's VIp Sister. . .

36. Women always feel that their husbands are incompetent. I quarreled with my husband and said, I brought everything at home when I got married, including TV, air conditioner and washing machine. . . What did you say you had? Her husband took a look at the child and said, dare you say that you brought the child from home?

Thirty-seven, I remember when I was in the sixth grade, the girl sitting diagonally opposite me had a big cuff, so I was studying all the time in class, and suddenly I felt someone was watching me. I saw a wretched smiling face through the other cuff, smiled at each other and continued my business.

Walking on the road, I saw a beggar in the street, dressed in rags. I quickly helped him buy meat buns. After a while, the beggar and I were eating hot buns. He looked at me with tears: thank you, kind man, but why did you use my money to buy steamed buns?

Thirty-nine, go to dinner with your girlfriend. A handsome guy came up and said I wanted to sleep with my sister. I asked her to make an offer, and my sister got angry at once and scolded him severely: Grandma, what do you think of my sister? Does it cost money to sleep with my sister?

Forty, just a few days after I got married with my wife, I didn't see her back at 9 o'clock in the evening and asked her if she was working overtime. Then she said on the phone: I forgot to marry me and went straight back to my parents' house. .......... has amnesia, and my wife can't afford to be hurt!

Forty-one, I have been a nanny for a year. At first, my family didn't understand me, saying that I didn't look like a big man, especially my wife, and she wanted to divorce me because of this. I think what happened to my nanny? Not a big man. Why? This is my ideal since childhood! Do you think a big man can't be a nanny?

Forty-two, don't live like a victim and rush to tell everyone about your misfortune. One day, you will find that you have to taste the ups and downs and live a long life by yourself. What you have experienced is a story in the eyes of others. Don't tell others everything. Growth is an isolated process. You have to work hard to be strong, and then be alone.

The best waiting in the world is called tomorrow.

We love each other, we have dreams, we are tempered into steel in difficult days,

We smiled and said to ourselves, See you in a bright future.

-"Some days, you always have to get through it yourself."

We all have to travel far in the end, and we all have to bid farewell to our immature selves in the end. Maybe the journey is a little hard and lonely, but you can only grow up after suffering. -Haizi

When we walk in the world in armor, we can always feel that the person we love is close at hand but out of reach. Jeanette Winterson

Everything that appears in life can't be owned, only experienced. Those who know this well will understand that there is no loss, just passing by; There is no failure, only experience. Look at life with a browsing heart. All the gains and losses, hidden and obvious, are landscapes and customs. -Tahi Remodo

Going to work day after day, I feel like I'm going around in circles, and the world is boring and static. But some small things remind you that the world is actually moving, such as the decreasing deposits in the bank, the expanding pores on your face, the fading talents in your mind, and the faces and names of your old lovers that are gradually blurred in your heart. In fact, I am also marking time, and the world is ruthless. -Feng Tang

There are a thousand kinds of waiting in this world, and the best one is called the boundless future. I am willing to stand here and count down from this second, waiting for our meeting many years later. -"The summer of the solstice has not yet arrived"

I always want to give you the best in the world, only to find that the best in the world is you.

1, too far is easy to get rusty, too close is easy to get tired.

2. Love has three realms. Teenagers are out of curiosity, young people are aesthetic, and middle age is knowledge.

3. Those who succeed early may not succeed, and those who arrive late may not fail. You can't rely on yourself when you are young, and you can't give up when you are old.

In this society, when you can't fight, you can only fight hard.

The achievements and status of others seem hard-won, but they must be taken for granted.

6. The reason why people are unhappy is nothing more than self-deception, being cheated and being bullied.

7. When others pay a little attention to you, you open your heart. You think this is honesty, but it is loneliness.

8. The bravest thing I ever did was to listen to your story about you and her.

9. I always want to give you the best in the world, only to find that the best in the world is you.

10, don't live like this night after night, thinking about the east and the west every day is really melodramatic. It's really time to turn off your cell phone, disconnect some unnecessary connections, lose all negative energy, live seriously and do something seriously.

1 1. People who love the past are always vulnerable and like to treat the rest of their lives as blessings.

12, if one day, you can't find me, don't be sad. It's not that I don't love you, nor that you miss me, but that I finally have the courage to leave, but please remember that I was really stupid before that.

13, everyone's personality has some unacceptable parts, even the best people; So don't criticize others, and don't blame yourself.

14, there is no debt in life, others pay for you because others like it, and you pay for others because you are willing. Love is voluntary, and you have no regrets.

15, the sense of ceremony makes ordinary days shine. We need to constantly praise the beauty in front of us in order to move forward without fear. Love and beauty are the biggest changes and intransigence we can make to ordinary life. Zeng yanbing

16, the proudest thing in a relationship is not how many people have chased you, but that one person will never leave you anyway.

17, I apologize to my old lover, because I feel like the first love for the new person.

18, you did something that others didn't want to do today, and you can have something that others can't get tomorrow.

19, admit that some things can't be done well even if they try their best, and some people will lose even if they try their best. You will feel much better.

20. Time will tell us that simple love lasts the longest, ordinary company is the most reassuring, and people who know you are the warmest.

Bian Xiao: Sunshine is there with you. This is the future I want. Bian Xiao: When no one is in charge, be firm and persist; When people are envious, Bian Xiao is quiet: Are you single for so long because you are too picky?