As soon as you enter adulthood, your physical function begins to decline, your metabolism declines, your skin ages, your physical strength declines, and even your IQ begins to decline. Some studies have pointed out that after the age of 25, "fluid intelligence" (fluid intelligence; Close to the IQ test results) will begin to decrease; But if we can persist in thinking and learning, the "crystallized intelligence" accumulated by experience will gradually increase, which is "wisdom".
In other words, in middle age, it is no longer suitable for us to spell so much and so fast as we did when we were young; You are 40 years old, just like a solid fruit tree. Some fruits are rich, others are a little poor. However, only by accepting the regrets of the past can we usher in future achievements.
When friends make steady progress, you regret the past ... Yang Lirong, an expert in parenting education, believes that the most important attitude when facing 40 years old is "to accept' life regret is inevitable, just don't regret it'". 」
Before the age of 40, most people have established the direction and values of life and are ready to sprint forward. If you are over 40 years old, you will often sigh, "If you had chosen a job, would your life have been different?" "If you marry a man, you may have two children." The road ahead will only be more difficult. Because, when people reach middle age, you no longer have room to look for answers everywhere, and the doubts that keep emerging in your mind will make your life idle.
People who are not sure what they want in middle age are probably "lost" in adolescence.
Adolescence is an important stage of self-exploration, but the only important thing for most children in Taiwan Province Province during this period is reading; I didn't have a chance to know my interests, get familiar with the type of future work, and think about what kind of partner I need. It was not until I grew up and found myself more and more unhappy and life seemed to have reached a dead end that I suddenly realized, "Is this really what I want?" 」
At this time, many people will try their best to find an exit: if they use the wrong method, it will become an earth-shattering middle-aged crisis; If the method is right, you will change your mind and broaden your horizons in middle age.
Yang Lirong reminded that life is like a trip, and each stage has its own characteristics. Only by accepting the facts with joy can we appreciate the beauty of the present and have the ability to create the future. If you are in the autumn, but the beauty of spring is always in your heart, the pain of life breeds from here. How can I change my mind and love what I have now? Yang Lirong's suggestion is to become a hospital volunteer.
She has a friend who is a successful operator and volunteers in the hospital in her forties. This friend said that every day, I will see my life after 30 years in patients over 70 years old: what disease? Who will visit the patient? How many people are coming? What's your attitude? The situation of the old queen depends entirely on the choice of middle age. Contact with new knowledge and new environment at interpersonal and emotional levels as soon as possible, and it is easier to gain insight from other people's experiences and feel satisfied with what you have now.
When you have friends and children, you are still single ... Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist, pointed out that when people reach middle age, the biggest topic is "creation" and "productivity", among which "running a family" is an important production form at this stage. However, because unmarried people have no emotional field to show their productivity, they may be empty when faced with paired friends and urged by relatives and friends.
Yang Lirong analysis, in interpersonal communication, nearly 40 singles most often encounter three problems:
The first is "being looked down upon", especially adults who live with their parents. People around 40 are independent in spirit and life, but if your mother washes your clothes and your father goes out to pick you up, you will easily be regarded as a child and won't be recognized and respected.
The second is "regarded as strange." Even if the company is independent and has no achievements in its career, it is very uncomfortable to face the questioning eyes of the outside world about "why not get married".
Finally, it is "abuse." When parents are sick and brothers and sisters need help to look after their children, it is natural to say "You are not married anyway".
In these three cases, most people are naturally full of grievances and don't know how to adjust. Yang Lirong believes that the key to enjoying the 40-year-old single life lies in "accepting the status quo" and repositioning the role at this stage from the perspective of life as a whole.
In the first case, you can position yourself as an economically and ideologically independent "adult", and no longer need to seek parents' approval before doing anything.
In the second case, it depends on setting a suitable boundary between people and me. When people ask about their personal feelings and attitudes, they can politely end the topic with a "thank you for your concern" and a smile.
In the last case, you must learn to clearly express to your family how much you can help, so as not to become a "free servant".
When China was old, you were still circling in the same place ... Not long ago, Yang Lirong attended the reunion of the 35th anniversary of college graduation. She was the best female classmate in that year and just got married. But serving in the church, she said with satisfaction: "I don't plan to have children because I have more than 100 children!" " 」
Yang Lirong explained that unmarried middle-aged people are usually mature and enlightened. They have neither the impulse of young people nor the conservatism of married middle-aged people. Whether it is volunteering or taking care of children in the family, it is actually the best communication bridge between the older generation and the younger generation.
"Accept the status quo and life will become easier," Yang Lirong said. If I keep thinking that no one loves me when I am old, I will fall into the regret of "wanting but not getting it". If you plan to be single all your life, but you don't rule out the possibility of accidental marriage, then continue to make steady progress.
This is the realm of "forty not confused".
Master of Psychology, Yang Lirong/Taiwan Province University. Vice-chairman of Bart Beauty Association of Beijing Normal University, lecturer in parenting education and youth consultation, and author of more than ten related books.