What? ! Adults also have separation anxiety? Chen Caixun, a psychologist at the Joint Psychological Counseling Institute, said that people themselves need to live in interdependence, have a sense of belonging with important people, support and care for each other, and enjoy each other's material and psychological resources, so that people will feel more secure and confident to spend all kinds of difficulties and challenges in life.
From an evolutionary point of view, in order to continue the species, parents develop the instinct to take care of their offspring. Parents love their children and think they have the responsibility to take care of and raise them. Under the background of traditional culture in China, there is a phenomenon that children are regarded as the continuation of their own lives. Parents hope that their children can meet their personal expectations, but sometimes they will restrict their free development.
Extended reading: adjust the mentality and learn to let go ~ the child is in school, but it is mommy who separates anxiety!
Traumatic experience makes parents afraid that abandoned individuals will have great psychological trauma in the course of their lives, whether they are abandoned actively or passively. This traumatic experience will affect the subsequent personality development, such as being abandoned in childhood, divorced/broken up in adulthood or being divorced/broken up.
In addition, if you are snubbed by your parents in childhood, without their warm care or excessive denial, you are prone to serious separation anxiety when you grow up, and you are eager to have safe and stable interpersonal relationships but afraid of being denied and rejected.
What you need to know before fighting separation anxiety! Parents will also feel uneasy about attachment. Psychologist Chen Caixun said that adults and children with separation anxiety will feel insecure about their relationship with important people. Children are the main caregivers (such as parents and adoptive parents), while adults are parents or partners. The possible reason of separation anxiety is that they did not form a safe attachment with their parents when they were young. When these children grow up to be parents, it is difficult for them to have a secure attachment with their children and inherit separation anxiety from generation to generation.
Children are sensitive to their parents' anxiety. At this time, if they lack a sense of security, it will affect their personality development, making them unable to have the courage to become an independent adult, difficult to be responsible for themselves, weak and shrinking, but eager to seek the affirmation of others. So sometimes they will make exaggerated behaviors in order to attract others' attention, or rely on materials to meet their inner emotional needs, such as indulging in virtual worlds, drinking alcohol, and even abusing drugs in serious cases.
The emotional reactions of adults and children are quite different, and the behaviors of children's separation anxiety are relatively simple, such as common separation difficulties, especially weakness, crying, shrinking, and sticking to parents; Adults usually have long-term emotional accumulation, or are seriously traumatized by age, which affects the way of interacting with others and the values of life. There will be contradictions between controlling and relying on others, such as strict control over your partner, emotional blackmail, and always asking the other party to make a decision and having no opinions.
See you/do you have separation anxiety? Chen Caixun's psychologists provide the following guidelines for self-judgment. If you got it at 4 o'clock, it means you may have separation anxiety about your child ~
1. I would rather stay with my children for a long time than leave them.
I feel more comfortable with children than alone.
3. think that bad things will happen if the child is not around.
4. I often complain that it is difficult and troublesome to take care of my children, but I have no practical actions to give myself a chance to rest or ask others for help.
Extended reading: tearful eyes every day, 18 times? The baby is so clingy, what should I do?
Parents' separation anxiety 4-stage kindergarten: parents and children are separated for the first time. Psychologist Chen Caixun pointed out that many parents are always particularly worried about their children's first school or nursery, suggesting that adults should try to restrain their inseparable hearts and avoid checking the monitor screen from time to time at work.
Mom and dad can do this.
The child is going to kindergarten, and I can't bear it! Mom and dad also have separation anxiety? Listen to experts' views on primary schools: children's focus shifts, and parents are prone to a sense of loss. At this stage, children begin to accumulate social and life skills, develop friendship with classmates and friends, and hope that classmates will perform better. Therefore, the focus will gradually shift to school life, and parents may feel neglected because they attach importance to the words and deeds of teachers and classmates.
Mom and dad can do this.
At this stage, children are very happy to share their studies and experiences at school with their parents. They might as well listen to their children, talk about campus life, express their concern and understanding, grow up with their children, be their support group, enjoy the life between parents and children, and create beautiful memories for each other.
Middle school stage: children have their own ideas, and parents are no longer the spiritual pillars of children. High school coincides with children's adolescence, and all the children's focus is on their peers. They may have many ideas of their own, and parents begin to realize that they are the important parents of food and clothing for their children, but they are no longer the most important spiritual pillar of their children's lives.
Mom and dad can do this.
Parents should learn to arrange their own life center of gravity, settle down their body and mind, and withstand the swaying collision of teenagers. This is an important study for parents and children.
University, marriage, having children: parents are in the empty nest stage and re-adapt to the self-centered life. Children are likely to go abroad to study after going to college, and even move out of their hometown in the future. At this stage, parents are in the empty nest stage and return to a self-centered life. Such a change may lead to emptiness and anxiety in life.
Mom and dad can do this.
In the previous stages, parents should have gradually learned how to face their children's independence and let them have their own lives. In addition, this is also a good time to brew a second life. Effectively arranging personal life will help reduce the sense of loss!
5 Recruiting parents to adjust separation anxiety The following are the general rules for Chen Caixun's psychologist to adjust separation anxiety for parents:
It is very important for children to practice arranging their own lives and making their own decisions. I believe that children can cultivate their personal life ability in the process of growing up.
When children want to try independently or challenge difficulties during their growth, providing support and encouraging children to try is a small beginning for children to learn to be independent. If parents can provide support and encourage their children to try, it doesn't matter even if they don't do well in the end. The most important thing is that parents can accompany their children to face difficulties, accept the results of their children's serious attempts, and support their children to continue their efforts for their small goals or wishes.
Affirming a child's ability to see a child in time should be an expression of his affirmation, which is an important force to help children accumulate life skills in the process of growing up. At the same time, parents should also make sure that they have paid enough love and care for their children. Excessive protection actually limits children's ability to cultivate independence.
The process of accompanying children is more important than quality. Parents need to keep their own living arrangements and take into account the parent-child relationship. The difference in different stages lies in the proportion of time devoted to parent-child relationship. Maybe parents spend a long time taking care of their children when they are young. With the growth of children's age, parent-child time is getting less and less. What is more important is to pursue the quality of parent-child relationship, so that the other party can feel warmth and support, with the temperature of emotional communication, not the number of companions.
Looking for outside support, most people are more or less worried about their children, but if they can get some appropriate parental information and psychological support, they can alleviate the anxiety of separation and develop a safe and attached parent-child relationship. If you think you may be affected by traumatic experience, it is recommended to consult a psychologist or read relevant books to clarify your doubts. When life troubles appear constantly, seek counseling from a psychologist, give yourself a breathing space and have more power to manage your happiness.