Maya Serawitz

You spend too much time online, and you will be surprised when you hear the phone ring. My boyfriend saw more obvious words on the screen, and the Liverpool accent suddenly became difficult to understand. And the secretary's crisp and quick tone sounds harder than I expected. Time itself becomes unpredictable-hours become minutes and seconds become days. Weekend used to be my prime time of the week, but now it's just an ordinary two days.

In the three years since I stopped being a TV producer, most of my work was done at home with computer terminals. I submit and revise by email, and communicate with my peers by online name and address. My boyfriend lives in England, so their relationship is largely maintained by computers.

If I want, I can stay at home for weeks and think nothing. I can order food online, manage money online, fall in love online and work online. In fact, I sometimes stay at home alone for three weeks, only occasionally go out to get letters, buy newspapers and daily necessities. I mostly watch one snowstorm after another at 1996 on TV.

However, after a period of time, life itself becomes less real. I'm beginning to feel like I'm integrated with the machine. I receive information and send it out, just like a connection point of the Internet. Other people who surf the Internet have also talked about the same symptoms. We began to dislike the social ways outside. Our situation has become the scene that people who criticize the Internet are most afraid to see.

At first glance, it seems to be a very advanced enjoyment, but now it has become an escape from life, which is a manifestation of lack of self-discipline. Once you start to use online communication instead of real contact between people, it will be quite difficult to get out of this cave state.

I find myself more timid, cautious and anxious than before. Or on the other hand, when I suddenly face a real person, I will become too excited, talk nonstop, and love to interrupt others' speeches. I always worry about whether I dress appropriately or not, whether I really forget to wear a skirt, and only wear T-shirts and underwear when I sleep at night and exercise during the day.

Sometimes I leave the TV on and let it play as a background sound all the time. I've never done this before. The voices on TV programs are comforting, but those advertisements upset me. I find myself immersed in soap operas, or constantly watching the latest news reports and weather forecasts. I watch reports from different perspectives from the daily news, front-line news, evening news, CNN and every news in new york again and again, although they are useless to me. Work has become secondary. I decided to check my email.

On the internet, I found myself attacking whoever I saw. I have a bad temper and get angry easily. I think everyone who communicates with me is insensitive, thinking that they have forgotten that others have really read their unkind words. It was not until someone gently pointed out that she agreed with me but was attacked by me that I realized that I was treating others with my own way. I was deeply embarrassed.

In this mental state, I also quarrel with my boyfriend, and often misunderstand his original intention because of the lack of emotional hints in typing dialogue. The two men argued for hours because the system often broke down. I wrote a sentence, he answered, and then the system failed! But we keep fighting.

I never realized the importance of daily life before, such as dressing for work and going to bed on time. I never thought I would be so dependent on my colleagues' company. I began to understand why long-term unemployment can do so much harm to people, and why a person's daily plan without external support can lead to an increase in drug abuse, crime and suicide rates.

In order to restore the balance of life, I forced myself to return to the real world. I called others and arranged to meet some friends who still live in new york. I at least try to go to the gym to make weekends different from working days. I arrange interviews, write reports, make appointments to see doctors-arrange any activities that require me to go out and get in touch with others.

But sometimes it's unbearable to get along with people face to face. I met a friend whose laughter was unbearable-so was the noise in the restaurant. I made an excuse to escape. I went back to my apartment and rushed to the computer as if it were a safe place.

I clicked the mouse and turned on the modem. The connecting sound that once bored me now sounds as sweet as my favorite song. I enter the password. The real world disappears in an instant.