Common interpersonal problems and skills of college students
(A) fear of communication
At school, you may find some students who choose quiet paths when walking, pick corners on the side when attending classes, and are afraid of direct eye contact with others, especially teachers and the opposite sex, and often think that others are "better" than themselves. They have low self-esteem and will not take the initiative to communicate with others. After a long time, others can't get to know them well, pay attention to them, ignore their demands, and lack communication, which leads to communication obstacles for these students, which will seriously lead to social phobia.
(2) no communication.
At school, you may meet some classmates: when you are in contact with people, your mind is full of books, your language is stiff and dull, and your inner feelings are not properly expressed. Some of them don't understand the importance of "first impression" in communication with others, don't pay attention to communication methods, and don't talk about methods when persuading others, criticizing others and rejecting others. For example, in the process of communicating with others, some college students joke regardless of the occasion, do not pay attention to protecting the privacy of others, and do not know how to save face for others. These behaviors are detrimental to their own image and are not conducive to further communication between students.
(C) "high expectations" communication
Freshmen who have just entered the university campus often have idealized requirements for interpersonal communication. Taking the ideal model of friendship as the standard to measure interpersonal relationships in life leads to high expectations and high setbacks. These students often recall the past and show strong dissatisfaction with the real interpersonal communication. Some of these students are passive and always expect others to actively communicate with themselves and take the initiative to care for themselves; Some people use their friends as crutches, use them when they need them and throw them away when they don't need them. Such contact usually doesn't last long.
Lack of vertical communication
In college, most students communicate horizontally, usually with their peers, but lack vertical communication. Due to the lack of social experience, students have some problems in communication: college students are stubborn and arrogant in communication, which is caused by narrow social communication and wrong self-cognition.
(e) Less communication with parents.
Communication can enhance the understanding and affection between parents and children. Through communication, parents can really understand their children's needs and inner feelings and help them solve problems. With the rapid development of modern society and the different values of two generations, the parent-child relationship has been estranged and children can't communicate with their parents. If children adopt negative communication methods and parents are busy with work, the "generation gap" between the two generations will become bigger and bigger, and parents will gradually lose their influence in emotional communication. Some students grow up in an overly caring environment, are self-centered, have little concern and understanding for their parents, and are prone to communication difficulties.
Second, the origin of college students' interpersonal communication
(1) Communicate on an equal footing and respect others.
Equality mainly refers to the equality of communication attitudes between the two sides. In the process of communication, every student is equal in personality, and there is no distinction between high and low. We must never divide people into three or six classes because of their different origins, looks and experiences. Adhere to the principle of equal communication, that is, we should correctly evaluate ourselves, don't be overbearing just by looking at our own advantages, and don't blindly feel inferior just by looking at our own shortcomings. Respecting others means respecting others' personality, habits, feelings and values. In interpersonal communication, we should pay special attention to the principle of respect, not damage the reputation and personality of others, recognize or affirm their abilities and achievements, and respect their self-esteem when helping others. The way of communication is very important, especially for sensitive or powerful people.
(B) sincere enthusiasm, pay attention to credit
The survey found that the highest quality of college students' evaluation is sincerity. Sincerity can make the two parties in communication have mutual affinity and treat each other sincerely, and sincerity can make the friendship between participants last forever. In interpersonal communication, enthusiasm can give people warmth, promote mutual understanding and melt the cold heart. Therefore, treating people with enthusiasm is an important psychological quality to communicate people's emotions and promote interpersonal communication. In communication, college students should be enthusiastic and concerned, sincerely criticize their friends' shortcomings and defects, be open-minded and broad-minded. In communication, we should also pay attention to credit and do what we say. Do what you can. After you promise others, you have to do it no matter how hard it is. If it doesn't work, be sure to confess the reason.
(3) mutual benefit and mutual assistance.
Mutual benefit means that when both sides meet each other's needs, they get the return from each other, so the relationship between the two sides can continue to develop. The higher the mutual benefit, the more stable and close the relationship between the two sides. College students should not only consider their own interests, but also think more about others and do more things that are beneficial to both people and themselves. Be kind and helpful to others, and be good at asking for help at the same time. When others help you overcome difficulties, they will feel happy, thus promoting further emotional exchange and communication.
(D) tolerance, mutual tolerance
Tolerance means that both sides of the communication don't haggle over every ounce on matters that don't touch principles, and tolerate each other to the maximum extent without losing their own principles. College students have strong personalities and close ties, which will inevitably lead to contradictions. Therefore, don't haggle over every ounce in communication, be modest, generous, restrained and patient, and be brave enough to take responsibility for your actions regardless of the attitude of the other party and the words of the other party, so that "the prime minister can punt in his stomach." Be tolerant and polite in communication, be good at making different friends, improve yourself and improve yourself.
Third, interpersonal skills.
Interpersonal communication needs to master certain methods and laws. Interpersonal communication is an art. To be a successful communicator, you must master communication skills.
Learn to listen
In real life, students who can listen are more popular. How to improve listening? Pay attention to the following four points: ① Sincere attention. Not only listen to what the other person says, but also pay attention to the expression and manner of the other person, so that if you put yourself in the other person's shoes, you can really understand. Listen to all the words. Be patient, don't jump to conclusions, and make sure that the other party has finished speaking before making comments to avoid making mistakes. Don't talk too much. Frequent interruptions will make us miss many important things that the other party says, and too much talk will make it difficult for the conversation to continue. 4 respond appropriately. Respond with eyes and expressions in time.
Listening is an effective magic weapon for communication, and almost everyone wants others to listen to their speeches. Listening is the premise of understanding, and the road to the soul is the human ear. Listening carefully to others is a great respect for each other, which shows that you value each other's views. This is the first step to enhance friendship.
(2) learn to distinguish.
1. Express your wishes clearly.
Orientals express implicitly, while westerners express directly, but no matter which expression is adopted, you should know what you want to say, who you are talking to and how you should say it. This requires language expression to be concise, clear and definite, and pay attention to pronunciation, intonation, speech speed and communication places. Remember: direct expression should be carried out in front of the right time, the right atmosphere and the right object. We should grasp the depth of speaking according to different objects, the appropriateness of speaking according to different occasions, and the discretion of speaking according to our own identity.
2. Be good at expressing gratitude
Learn to be grateful, and others will return; Learn to be grateful, and I know how to cherish it. Many people don't want to express gratitude, but they just don't know how to express it. Emotional words from others make people uncomfortable. Remember: expressing gratitude is not superficial. Gratitude should be from the heart, and a sincere "thank you" may be more touching than those empty and gorgeous words.
Praise each other sincerely
Good interpersonal relationship begins with praise. William james, an American psychologist, said: "The deepest attempt of human nature is to expect praise, and the desire for praise is a basic need deep in people's hearts." If we can find each other's good points and sincerely praise them, he will be happy to associate with you. Remember: praise should be moderate and appropriate.
4. Appropriate use of refusal
Appropriate refusal is also important in interpersonal communication. After all, everyone has limited abilities and different hobbies. If you cater to each other blindly, communication will become a burden. Some students are embarrassed to refuse their friends' requests, but they can't or don't want to do it themselves, causing unnecessary pressure on themselves. In fact, it is a good way to directly and clearly state your difficulties and get the other person's understanding, but pay attention to euphemism and respect each other, so that you will not lose friends, but will make people feel that you are honest and reliable, and there will be more and more friends.
5. Become a master of humor
Humor is an excellent language art and a lubricant in communication. When there is an embarrassing situation in communication, humorous language can adjust the atmosphere and resolve grievances. Humorous people are often very attractive.
6. Avoid directly criticizing, accusing and complaining about others.
Young students like to argue, and some students are outspoken, thinking that pointing out each other's shortcomings sincerely and frankly is helping others. In fact, directly criticizing, accusing and complaining about others will damage others' self-esteem and self-worth, especially their own face. Sometimes it will be much better to change some methods slightly and turn direct criticism, accusation and complaint into indirect hints and reminders. This is the so-called "speak ill of others" art.
Nonverbal skills
Psychological research has found that people will believe the meaning of nonverbal signals when verbal signals and nonverbal signals are inconsistent. With the help of expressions, we can observe words and deeds. People can be duplicitous, but it is difficult to control their eyes at will. Without eye contact, communication is difficult. So we should also pay attention to some non-verbal communication skills.
1. Sincere attitude
No matter what kind of communication you treat, you should treat it equally, sincerely and frankly, and treat it equally. When dealing with people, you should be dignified and humble, and fully show your sincerity. Students should be honest with each other, actively cooperate with each other, and express their opinions euphemistically when encountering contradictions, which will produce unexpected results.
Civilized behavior
Behavior is the basic requirement of communication style and an important means of interpersonal communication. Simple, generous and gentle manners can correctly express their good wishes, while vulgar and indecent manners will be boring. Moderate communication distance will make the other person feel comfortable and calm psychologically, while excessive intimacy or indifference will easily lead to misunderstanding.
(D) effective handling of interpersonal conflicts
Everyone hopes that life will be full of sunshine, friendship will last forever and human feelings will be warm and cold. However, everyone is unique and has their own unique emotional world, behavior and values. And everyone has needs, which are satisfied and unsatisfied. So the conflict between people is inevitable. We sometimes find that once close friends and happy partners all parted ways and became passers-by. Then, how to avoid the occurrence of interpersonal conflicts and the breakdown of interpersonal relationships is a realistic problem that puzzles every college student.
1. What is a conflict?
The essence of conflict is an antagonistic state, which refers to the mutually antagonistic interaction behavior caused by communication barriers, different needs, differences in understanding and personality. It is a common social interaction in the process of interpersonal communication. There are many reasons for the conflict, which may be different needs and interests of all parties, different understandings and views on issues, different values and religious beliefs, different ways of doing things and so on. In short, when the attitudes, motives, values, expectations or practical actions of all parties are incompatible, and these individuals are aware of their own contradictions, conflicts between individuals occur.
2. Three levels of interpersonal conflict
We should have a correct understanding of conflicts in the process of interacting with anyone and be psychologically prepared for possible conflicts, so it is very necessary to understand the levels of conflicts. Brick and Kelly divide interpersonal conflict into three levels: the first level is the conflict of specific behavior, that is, the two sides have different views on a specific problem. The second level is the conflict of relationship principles or roles, that is, the two sides have different understandings of how to deal with the relationship between two people and their respective rights and obligations in the relationship. The third level is the conflict of personal personality and attitude, which often involves the differences of personality and values between the two sides, so it is a deeper conflict. In interpersonal communication, these three levels of conflict may be intertwined. Generally speaking, the deeper the conflict, the more factors involved, the higher the degree of emotional involvement, the more complicated the contradiction, and the more difficult it is to solve.
3. Strategies for dealing with interpersonal conflicts
To solve the conflict, we must first keep both sides of the conflict calm. Make a comprehensive and objective analysis of the conflict: what is the event that leads to the conflict? What are the causes of the conflict? If necessary, ask whether other people's ideas are objective, what are the possible solutions, what are the advantages and disadvantages, and choose the method that is most beneficial to both sides. The solution to contradictions often lies in communication. We should learn to communicate, negotiate and understand each other properly and effectively with the other party to the conflict. Tolerance and understanding are important principles for effective conflict resolution. Many conflicts stem from misunderstandings. Communication helps to clarify the facts, and the final settlement of the conflict depends on the tolerance and understanding of both sides.
After research, psychologists put forward effective steps to solve conflicts and help people control and eliminate conflicts. The concrete steps are: first, I believe that all conflicts can be resolved rationally; Second, objectively understand the causes of conflict; Third, describe the conflict in detail; Fourth, check with others whether their ideas about conflict are objective; Fifth, put forward possible conflict solutions; Sixth, evaluate the proposed methods one by one and select the best scheme, which must be most beneficial to both parties; Seventh, try to use the selected best method; Eighth, evaluate the actual effect of reaching the best scheme and make corrections according to the principle of bringing maximum benefits to both parties and maintaining good interpersonal relationships.
Expand the content:? Principles of college students' interpersonal communication
(1) The principle of enthusiastic and active communication.
Enthusiasm and initiative are very important for interpersonal relationships. Ash, a famous psychologist, once did an experiment to find out whether a person's enthusiasm affects the evaluation of other qualities of this person. Enthusiasm is a person's main characteristic. Many students have poor interpersonal skills, not because they are inferior to others in ability, knowledge, personality and charm, but because they are unwilling to greet others on their own initiative. Some students may feel ashamed to take the initiative to say hello and don't know each other. How can others take care of themselves when they say hello? It is because of this idea that many opportunities for communication are lost. In the process of communication, college students should express their views enthusiastically and actively, help others enthusiastically, actively communicate with others and establish good interpersonal relationships.
(2) The principle of sincere communication.
Sincerity means sincerity and honesty. Sincerity is a bridge between people. Only when the two sides treat each other sincerely can they build trust and forge a profound friendship. [1] Knowing each other is more important than knowing each other. Sincerity is a virtue, sincerity is a mind, and sincerity can gain trust in interpersonal communication. So how to be a sincere person? First of all, sincerity should be broad-minded and tolerant, which is the need for college students to communicate effectively in the process of interpersonal communication. In the face of contradictions in communication, we should treat each other with a broad mind, examine ourselves strictly, sincerely apologize to each other for their mistakes, and at the same time sincerely point out each other's problems to solve them. Secondly, sincerity should not only come from the heart, but also be manifested in action. Sincere, consistent with words and deeds, can we reap true friendship. Finally, college students should not cheat in the process of communication, because cheating is a sincere death.
(3) the principle of collective activities.
Individual college students are independent people first, but they do not exist independently, but live in various groups, from the whole school, department and student union to a class, a dormitory and a study group. How do college students integrate into the collective and live and study in the collective? On the one hand, we must abide by the collective norms. Any collective has a certain normative system. College students should abide by the collective norms in collective activities and actively adapt to the collective, rather than asking the collective norms to adapt to themselves. For example, members of the student union should abide by the regular meeting system of the student union, strictly perform their duties and work in the student union to make the work of the student union go smoothly. On the other hand, we should cultivate team consciousness and collective cooperation spirit. College students should not only abide by the collective rules in collective activities, but also be good at cooperating with the collective and actively support and cooperate with the collective activities.
(4) Empathy principle.
Empathy, that is, putting yourself in others' shoes, is a way of thinking to deal with interpersonal relationships by thinking about what others think and understanding them. College students should understand and trust each other in the process of interpersonal communication, and learn to put themselves in others' shoes, which is the basis of college students' interpersonal communication. Mutual tolerance, understanding, and thinking from the perspective of others. The essence of empathy is to pay close attention to the object of communication and go deep into each other's inner world. It is both an understanding and a concern. In the process of communication, college students should change "picky" into "appreciation", "care" into "tolerance" and look at others with appreciation.
Interpersonal communication skills of college students
Learn to listen
Listening is the lubricant of college students' interpersonal communication. Listening carefully is an attitude towards others and an art of dealing with people. Dale Carnegie once said: If you want to be a good talker, first be a person who is willing to listen. Of all the functions of communication, listening ability is the most important. College students should learn to listen in the process of interacting with others. "Listen and don't listen to is different. Including listening with your ears. The most important thing is to observe with your eyes, ask questions with your mouth, think with your brain, feel with your heart, and be sincere, open-minded, patient, calm and focused. " [2] To achieve the best listening effect, we should pay attention to the following details: focus your eyes on each other. In the process of communication, flashing eyes and looking around will show disrespect for each other. In the process of listening, don't interrupt each other at will. In the process of listening, you should respond appropriately and ask questions in time to show your interest in the other party's topic.
(2) Learn to smile at others.
Carnegie said: A person's facial expression is more important than his clothes. This smile can illuminate everyone who can see him, like the sun passing through the dark clouds, bringing warmth to people. "Smile is a pleasant facial expression, which can shorten the psychological distance between people and create a warm and harmonious atmosphere for in-depth communication and interaction. Therefore, some people compare the smile to the lubricant of interpersonal communication. " In interpersonal communication, smile can infect others, smile can ease formality, and smile can ease contradictions. College students should learn to smile in interpersonal communication and use this power to open the door to interpersonal communication.