After having children, divorce is no longer just a matter for two people. As a participant in the family, the impact of divorce on children has become a concern of many mothers.

Will children feel inferior? Will divorce have a psychological shadow? Will there be personality defects? Will it be different from children in normal families?

However, as Fu Seoul once said, a child should be defined as a single-parent family only if he lacks the love and companionship of one parent.

In other words, even if there is no divorce, if the father does not participate in accompanying and educating the children, it is no different from a single-parent family.

Even if divorced, giving children a lot of love and companionship will not have a great impact on children.

It would be great if we could have a responsible husband, as the spiritual pillar of the mother, and share the pressure of parenting.

But if not, divorce has become an established fact. What we have to do is try our best to minimize its influence on children.

0 1 Will children really be hurt in a family without a father?

A child's final performance reflects the problem of his family education to some extent.

Therefore, if we push forward from the results, we can draw the conclusion whether single mothers will bring harm to children.

Professor Zhang Chunni of Peking University, after analyzing the performance of children from single-parent families with public data from multiple sources, drew the following conclusions:

0 1 school performance

Academic performance and school performance are important directions to evaluate the development of school-age children. Some of the children's learning collected by scholars comes from their own answers and self-evaluation, on the other hand, it comes from the evaluations of parents, teachers and others.

The results show that there is no difference between children living in a divorced single mother's family and children living in a complete family, and even they perform better in individual indicators. For example, children feel less academic pressure and are willing to invest more time in their studies.

02 psychological characteristics

Previous studies have shown that non-cognitive abilities such as personality, psychological adjustment, self-discipline, self-confidence and self-esteem are more important to people's long-term development than cognitive abilities.

Scholars use the scales provided by CFPS to measure children's psychology, including the good behavior scale and the scale reflecting the degree of self-confidence and self-esteem.

The results show that there is no difference in self-esteem, self-control, good behavior, self-awareness, subjective well-being and self-confidence between children living in divorced single-parent families and children living in complete families.

03 interpersonal communication

Scholars understand the relationship between children and their parents and the popularity of children in school by investigating their trust in their parents and whether they regard their parents as their main confidants when they are in trouble.

There is no significant difference between children from divorced single-parent families and normal families in their communication with parents and others.

04 abnormal behavior

This study collected students' verbal and physical bullying against others in the past year, as well as deviant behaviors such as truancy, plagiarism and cheating.

The data shows that there is no difference in deviant behavior between divorced single mother families and complete families. Children's behavior has little to do with whether the family is divorced or not.

In all evaluation indicators, there is no significant difference between children from divorced single-parent families and children from complete families, and even they perform better in individual indicators.

These analysis results show that divorce itself is not as harmful to children as we thought.

But it doesn't mean there's no harm.

Scholars such as Xu and others have conducted a series of studies on divorced families in Shanghai and pointed out that the impact of divorce on children is "limited".

Secondly, the mainstream society is more in favor of two-line parenting. In the books and stories that children read and listen to, the family model is both parents. Children will naturally compare with their own status quo, and it is inevitable that they will be confused about why I don't have a father and why my father doesn't take me.

In addition, children from single-parent families will inevitably be subjected to secular prejudice. Many times, people will regard a child as a vulnerable group because he is a single-parent family, which also brings psychological pressure to the child invisibly.

Nevertheless, these "limited influences" can still be reduced to a minimum through the efforts of parents.

How to minimize the damage?

Scholars will infer the reasons while analyzing the results, which also points out the direction for the parenting of single mothers.

To sum up, there are six suggestions:

Many parents will ignore their children's feelings when they adapt to the pressure brought by divorce.

However, children are also parties, and the pressure is great.

If you don't explain it clearly to your child, it is easy for your child to blame his parents' problems on himself.

Of course, the explanation is not to clarify who is responsible for the failure of this marriage, but to prevent the children from taking this pressure on themselves.

Try to explain the causes of conflict to children in a language that children can understand, and help children establish a positive attitude to solve problems.

If the child is still young, you can use "Mom and Dad no longer play house" to help the child understand divorce; After the third grade, children can actually tell their children frankly.

Before divorce, both parents may have their own educational responsibilities. After divorce, single mothers should bear all the responsibilities, and their children's education methods should be adjusted accordingly.

Many single mothers will think that divorce will hurt their children, and then take care of them too much, and even spoil them, resulting in psychological debt and guilt.

Learn to adjust your mentality, not focus on "single parents", but on "parents", and understand that the problem you want to solve is actually an ordinary problem that all parents have to deal with.

Single mothers can listen to their children's opinions more, let them participate in family construction, and help them adapt to the family model better while cultivating a sense of accomplishment and responsibility.

If not, don't attack each other in front of the children. The characteristics of parental conflict have a greater impact on children's mental health than divorce itself.

Make an agreement with the other party, call the child regularly, or accompany the child regularly, so that the child can make it clear that he is still taken care of by his father.

Park, a scholar, compared the differences of children's grades between single-parent families and two-parent families in Asian countries, and found that children's grades in China, Hongkong and South Korea were almost the same.

It is further pointed out that the family tradition and kinship network in Asian society play the role of a safety net, providing social support and assistance to vulnerable family members.

Although children can't get complete parental love, it doesn't mean that children can't get enough love.

Grandparents' love for children can make up for the lack of family love for children.

Therefore, single mothers can seek the help of their parents, let them take part in taking care of their children's lives and give them a loving environment.

In many family models, researchers have found that children from single-mother families behave the same as children from parents' families, because the frequency of emotional and language communication between single-mother and children is similar to that of children from parents' families.

It is not the family model or divorce that determines whether a child can grow up healthily, but the emotional care given by parents.

Parent-child relationship is the foundation of everything. If you establish a good emotional connection with your child, the child will not feel unloved.

Single mothers are under greater pressure to balance work and family. We should not only support family life financially, but also face a series of problems in children's growth.

When struggling with life, it is inevitable to ignore your feelings and even have an emotional breakdown. This situation has a great influence on children. If the mother is unhappy, the child will not be happy easily.

The premise of taking care of children is to take care of yourself. Whether children are happy or not depends on whether parents feel happy.

Single mothers can actively seek help from the surrounding environment and leave as much space for themselves as possible, such as letting parents take care of their children for half a day every weekend and doing something that makes them happy.

Failure to give children a complete home does not mean that they cannot have a happy life.