Close? Keys? Words: The college entrance examination commemorates 7250 words of my father's senior three.

Words: 7250 words composition

This article is suitable for: senior one and senior three.

Composition source:

This composition is about 7250 words in Grade Three. The topic is: in memory of my father's college entrance examination composition revision example. Everyone is welcome to contribute. Yi Ping [Revised Profile] The title of the composition of the 2005 Guangdong College Entrance Examination is "Commemoration". Netizen Liang Wen sent her college entrance examination composition "In Memory of Father", hoping that I would give her a review. As far as the composition is concerned, it is well written, with true feelings and fluent language. Unfortunately, the topic of "commemoration" is not tightly buckled and lyrical enough, which is estimated to have affected the performance. After we fully exchanged views, Liang Wen revised the original text, and on this basis, I helped her make the final revision. Now that the marking of college entrance examination papers has ended and the results have been announced, I will take the time to put it into writing and post it on the college entrance examination composition website for the benefit of netizens. [Letter from User] Teacher Yi Ping: Hello!

I have seen many of your works, and I know that you have participated in marking the college entrance examination, and your composition marking level is very high. Now I'll give you my college entrance examination article, please help me to comment and grade, thank you. Please don't spread it to any individual, group or media just because the marking of the college entrance examination is not over. I believe you can do it. Tribute to Liang Wen 2005-06-2015: 54: 51[Attachment] In order to commemorate his father, mahjong sounded in some shops along the road in Liang Wen, and all the newspapers about Mark Six Lottery in the bookstore were sold out ... In the prosperous and powerful motherland, the gambling trend resurfaced: from urban to rural, from traditional civilians to. Gambling can be seen everywhere ... More than ten years ago, my father was engaged in real estate business. Because of his college education, he was willing to endure hardships. After five years of hard work, his father had more than 3 million savings, set up a construction company and became a famous local boss. When China people marched into thousands of households, my family was well-off and a family of five lived happily. 1998 during the spring festival, several relatives came to my house to visit relatives. When I was idle, I thought of playing mahjong. Relatives' lobbying is family entertainment, a few dollars a game. In order not to spoil everyone's fun, my father who only knows a little mahjong joined the ranks of small gambling ... The first time he gambled, he saw that he lost only a few tens of dollars, but he rarely had entertainment ... 5438+0999. Later, only his parents were lonely. In the past, my father always helped me review my lessons after dinner every day. Later, as soon as he finished eating, he disappeared ... One night, I was concentrating on my homework when suddenly the fuse blew and the whole house was dark. My mother said to me, "Don't be afraid, daughter, I'll get your father back." However, it's already midnight 12 o'clock, and mom and dad haven't come back yet ... Facing the empty house in the dark, I feel scared and impatient. My nose hurts when I think of the warmth and happiness of my hometown ... My father's gambling addiction is getting bigger and bigger, and he often doesn't go home at night. I saw my mother often go to Lacrimosa ... Several times my mother and I knelt down and begged my father to get rid of bad habits, but my father thought: Afterwards, my father quickly forgot his promise to play less and often "worked overtime"; My mother and I's hard persuasion will only lead to the consequences of falling on the spot. 200 1, the real estate declined, because dad had little time to take care of the business, and dad's company had difficulty in cash flow. At this time, it may be a good opportunity for dad to wake up and leave the casino. However, at this time, my father threw out a fallacy: a small gamble can not only make people happy, but also kill unhappy times. Melancholy dad is more addicted to small gambling entertainment ... At that time, many people thought that dad was a big boss, but it was only a temporary difficulty and he was not worried about not receiving money. Therefore, it is common for dad to owe gambling debts. In the spring of 2002, dad's company was deserted, and employees resigned one after another. The company had to close down because it could not continue to operate. In order to repay several huge payables in business, a villa of five who spent six years was finally auctioned by the court-we returned to our hometown in the "backcountry". When I heard about the family changes, many gamblers who didn't usually care began to care. The father, who always thought he had won or lost a lot of money, was already poor. What should he pay back? There are four walls in the house, and dad can only run around to raise money; But in the eyes of relatives, friends and acquaintances, my father is already a "heinous gambler." Who wants to lend money to a gambler ... There is no way to borrow money, but every day people come to collect debts, and gamblers will chase them wherever Dad hides ... In the winter of 2002, my father chose an extreme method to end his life. ....................................................................... Perhaps this shadow will accompany me all my life and even affect generations ... Many people know the seriousness and harmfulness of big gambling, but they often turn a blind eye to small gambling. Mahjong and Mark Six are small bets, but they are definitely not enough!

It will continue to devour your ideals and time, and even ruin your life and family!

I want to commemorate my father with this article. [Yi Ping's reply] Your writing style is good, your thinking is clear, your content is substantial, and your writing level is very high. However, I regret to tell you that it is impossible to get good grades in this composition. In addition to the title and the last sentence, the whole article points out "in memory of father", but it only describes the whole story and has no commemorative significance. It is difficult to grade such a composition, and it depends on the teacher's reading. If I grade the paper, I will give it around 40. [Liang Wen's answer] I quite agree with your comments. If time permits, I will change the topic to "sober" or "not a commemoration" and add a paragraph "sober" at last. One is to "wake up" my father, and the other is to wake up people who are addicted to gambling, which may be more perfect. what do you think? Teacher Yi Ping, I always think that articles come from life and facts. Only when there are real facts can there be real feelings, and it is a good article to have real feelings. A good article depends not on beautiful words, but on life, facts and feelings; On appropriate occasions, plain words can add emotion to the article. But after the college entrance examination, I almost read the composition on your website online and felt a lot. Many people write beautifully, which is the secret of getting high marks in exams. ..... After thinking about it for many days, I still feel that playing word games is not good (but it is most popular with marking teachers). My article is not beautiful because it must reflect a heavy and sad mood (which is also my mood), so it is not suitable to use optimistic words, but my purpose is to wake up those who are addicted to gambling through my father!

I think I have done this-more languages are pale, and even if more commemorative words are used, it feels like gilding the lily. I think: none of the articles in this college entrance examination can "wake up" this point. As for commemoration, I personally think that narration is also a kind of commemoration. Therefore, I still hope that the marking teacher will understand my intention, and I hope that the marking teacher will not just look at the rhetoric. In fact, the rhetoric of many college entrance examination compositions is just to please the marking teacher, which has little practical significance!

The above is my personal opinion, and I hope to communicate with my teacher. [Yi Ping's reply] If the topic is changed to "Awakening" or "No Memorial", the latter is better. For example, using the former composition is further from the topic. Your composition is not a language problem, but you can't write closely on the topic of "commemoration". You should remember your father to wake up people who are addicted to gambling, which is right, but it should be shown in your composition. If you just use your father's experience to wake up gamblers, that's beside the point. After the article is written, it is not what the author says I write, but what the reader will read. You wrote this composition for the college entrance examination to let the marking teacher see that you are commemorating your father, not "awakening gambling addicts through the father's incident". Fortunately, you saved this composition, the title and the last sentence, otherwise ... there are two problems in your composition: first, your composition describes the process of your father's prosperity and decline quite calmly, lacking nostalgia. This is because you are so focused on waking up those gamblers that you forget that you are commemorating your father. The second thing is that what you wrote was a sad thing that happened to your father, and I can't remember it at all. In addition, what you wrote is the composition of the college entrance examination, which has its particularity and is doomed to fail to get high marks. Is it cruel of me to say so? In fact, I really hope that the marking teacher can give you high marks. Fortunately, the results of the college entrance examination will be announced in a few days, and the composition results will be guessed soon. I hope I am wrong!

[Liang Wen replies] Your reply has been received, and your analysis is very reasonable. Therefore, I regret that the title is not written: a memorial hall that should not be "commemorated". The marking teacher may be like you said: he can't "commemorate" at all. I don't think much about grades. It is good to get high grades, but there is no regret to get low grades. With so many subjects, you can't just rely on composition scores. I just want to know more about composition through communication with you. For example, after reading your's reply several times, I know where my composition is lacking. After reading the revised composition on your website, I also feel that there are still many shortcomings in my composition ... Thank you very much for your guidance, Mr. Yi Ping. In the future, I will continue to learn from you, but I am afraid that you will not accept me as a stubborn student. Going back to my article, I think a truly educational commemoration is a real commemoration; I believe everyone says how good and great his father is. I think this is boring and has no profound practical significance. As for affection, "for two years, my grief-stricken mood has been repaired to a certain extent, but the shadow cannot be erased." Perhaps, this shadow will accompany me all my life, and even affect several generations ... "The word" heartbroken "should be clear. Who doesn't like his biological father? Mao Zedong's memorial to Bethune begins with "unfortunately died in the line of duty" and ends with "I feel very sad about his death", which is brief and plain, but also clearly expresses grief. "In Memory of Bethune" also has the following teaching comments--and a few sentences in the last paragraph of the article: "Comrade Bethune and I have only met once. Later, he wrote me many letters. However, because I was busy, I only answered his letter. I don't know if he received it. " These are narratives, but they express a respectful attitude and are full of mourning feelings, so they also contain lyrical elements. The so-called lyricism can't be understood literally, and the sentence "I'm sorry about his death" can't be regarded as lyricism. "My mother and I knelt down and begged my father to get rid of bad habits ..." Kneeling is obviously love. How can we kneel without love? Of course, I still think what you said is reasonable. The marking teacher doesn't understand, and the low score may be very high. All along, my composition is about facts and life, and there is little empty talk. My teacher may be easy to understand, but it's hard to say when I pass the college entrance examination. After communicating with you, I already know I must get rid of this habit in the future. [Yi Ping answers] First of all, we should know that "commemoration" is generally not used on the reverse side. Your father deserves your memory, because he has many good aspects, such as his brilliant career and his deep love for you. If he gambled all his life and was cruel to you, would you still remember him? I'm afraid I'll only hate him for life. Secondly, you are only half right when you say that "the memorial hall with real educational significance is the real memorial hall", because on the other hand, not all "the memorial hall with real educational significance" is memorable. For example, Hitler himself cannot be said to have no practical educational significance, but will we commemorate him? What I mean by this is that "saying how good or great your father is" is not necessarily "meaningless and has no profound practical significance". Basically, your memory of your father is based on his "goodness" or "greatness" in your heart. Third, you take "In Memory of Bethune" as an example to demonstrate that your composition is very emotional, but you forget that the article relies on its own connotation rather than the author's argument, not to mention that the example you cited is neither nostalgia nor commemoration. Fourth, I have no doubt that you have always stressed that what you wrote is true. But this is only a necessary condition for writing a good composition. To really write a good composition, we must work hard on conception and expression. Finally, I would like to remind you that the particularity of the composition in the examination room determines whether it can be written with deduction, which is also the key to success or failure. As for "you must get rid of this habit in the future", if "this habit" means "writing all the facts and life, with little empty talk", it is all wet, because this habit has been advocated by us. It's just that our discussion has a special background, which is the college entrance examination. The composition of the college entrance examination requires us to write facts and life, and at the same time, we should stick to the specified topic and never advocate false composition. [Liang Wen replied] I found the results of the college entrance examination, Chinese 6 1 1 (standard score). But I don't know how many points I got for my composition. It is estimated that it should be about 43 points (out of 60 points). Alas, if I had known you earlier and listened to your guidance, I might have got about 58 points in my composition, but the important reason is that I didn't expect to grasp the topic at once because of lack of time. I will discuss this composition with you later, because I am stubborn and I think it is the best composition ever written. I am so happy, because the total score of the college entrance examination is the highest in my history, and it may be the first in my class. I have tried my best in all subjects, but my Chinese is the worst, especially my composition. Alas, it may be that my thoughts were blocked at that time, and I only wrote my true feelings without thinking about sticking to the theme. Actually, I felt it when I walked out of the examination room. This composition is basically correct, but it is really unforgivable to write badly like this. Tonight, I only revised the beginning and end of the article. I don't want to change halfway. If I change it, it will be too big. [Attachment] The revised composition awakened Qingyu, and it rained intermittently; On a clear day, the weather is gloomy and hazy. The relatives and friends who paid homage have all left, leaving me alone in front of my father's grave ... More than ten years ago, my father was engaged in real estate business. Because he has a university culture and is willing to endure hardships, after five years of hard work, his father has more than 3 million savings, started a construction company and became a famous local boss. When China people marched into ten thousand households, my family was well-off and a family of five lived.

1998 during the spring festival, several relatives came to my house to visit relatives. When I was idle, I thought of playing mahjong. Relatives' lobbying is family entertainment, a few dollars a game. In order not to spoil everyone's fun, my father who only knows a little mahjong joined the ranks of small gambling ... The first time he gambled, he saw that he lost only a few tens of dollars, but he rarely had entertainment ... 5438+0999. Later, only his parents were lonely. In the past, my father always helped me review my lessons after dinner every day. Later, as soon as he finished eating, he disappeared ... One night, I was concentrating on my homework when suddenly the fuse blew and the whole house was dark. My mother said to me, "Don't be afraid, daughter, I'll get your father back." However, it's already midnight 12 o'clock, and mom and dad haven't come back yet ... Facing the empty house in the dark, I feel scared and impatient. My nose hurts when I think of the warmth and happiness of my hometown ... My father's gambling addiction is getting bigger and bigger, and he often doesn't go home at night. I saw my mother often go to Lacrimosa ... Several times my mother and I knelt down and begged my father to get rid of bad habits, but my father thought: Afterwards, my father quickly forgot his promise to play less and often "worked overtime"; My mother and I's hard persuasion will only lead to the consequences of falling on the spot. 200 1, the real estate declined, because dad had little time to take care of the business, and dad's company had difficulty in cash flow. At this time, it may be a good opportunity for dad to wake up and leave the casino. However, at this time, my father threw out a fallacy: a small gamble can not only make people happy, but also kill unhappy times. Melancholy dad is more addicted to small gambling entertainment ... At that time, many people thought that dad was a big boss, but it was only a temporary difficulty and he was not worried about not receiving money. Therefore, it is common for dad to owe gambling debts. In the spring of 2002, dad's company was deserted, and employees resigned one after another. The company had to close down because it could not continue to operate. In order to repay several huge payables in business, a villa of five who spent six years was finally auctioned by the court-we returned to our hometown in the "backcountry". When I heard about the family changes, many gamblers who didn't usually care began to care. The father, who always thought he had won or lost a lot of money, was already poor. What should he pay back? There are four walls in the house, and dad can only run around to raise money; But in the eyes of relatives, friends and acquaintances, my father is already a "heinous gambler." Who wants to lend money to a gambler ... There is no way to borrow money, but every day people come to collect debts, and gamblers chase them wherever Dad hides ... In the winter of 2002, my father chose an extreme method to end his life. ......................................................................., maybe, This shadow will accompany me all my life and even affect generations ... Many people think that my father is not memorable, but I know that my father loves me the most and has always regarded me as the apple of his eye. Why he is willing to leave me anyway is still a mystery; In my father's life, only this incident has hurt me the most and has an unforgettable impact on my life-in memory of my father, because I am still in pain; Remembering my father is to remind myself to save myself three times a day and not repeat the same mistakes; In memory of dad, it is to wake up people who are addicted to gambling-now, many people are still addicted to mahjong and lottery; People know the seriousness and harmfulness of big gambling, but they often turn a blind eye to small gambling!

Don't take small good for it, don't take small evil for it, small gambling can't make you happy, it will continue to devour your ideals and time, and even ruin your life and family!

I would like to commemorate my father with this article and hope to wake up people who are addicted to gambling!

[Yi Ping's reply] I thought your composition for the college entrance examination had completed its historical mission and didn't need to be revised, but I was moved by your stubbornness, so I further revised your composition as follows: it was not a memorial to the Qingming rain, but a thin intermittent rain; On a clear day, the weather is gloomy and hazy. All the relatives and friends who paid homage left me alone in front of my father's grave ... Dad, why did you abandon me? 10 years ago, you were engaged in real estate business. Because of your college education and hard work, after five years of hard work, you have more than 3 million savings, set up a construction company and become a famous local boss. -When the people of China marched into thousands of households, we had already lived a well-off life and a family of five lived happily.

Who would have thought that 1998 during the Spring Festival, several relatives came to visit relatives in our house, and when they were idle, they thought of playing mahjong. Relatives' lobbying is family entertainment, a few dollars a game. In order not to spoil everyone's fun, you only know a little mahjong, so you joined the ranks of small gambling ... The first time you gambled, you only lost tens of dollars, but it was rare to "entertain" ... Before 5500000000 105, you always waited for me to come home from school at your mother's door. Later, only mom and dad were lonely. In the past, you always helped me review my lessons after dinner every day. Then you disappeared as soon as you finished eating ... One night, I was concentrating on my homework when suddenly the fuse blew and the whole house was dark. My mother said to me, "Don't be afraid, daughter, I'll get your father back." However, it's already midnight 12 o'clock, and neither you nor your mother have come back ... Facing the empty house in the dark, my heart is both scared and impatient, and my nose is sore when I think of the warmth and happiness of my hometown ... Since then, your gambling addiction has become more and more serious, and you often don't go home at night, and I have seen my mother often go to Lacrimosa ... On several occasions, my mother and I both knelt down and begged you to get rid of bad habits. My mother and I tried to persuade you, only to get a bad fall. Dad, I believe that if your soul in heaven knows, it will regret what happened later. 200 1, the real estate is declining, because you have little time to take care of business, the company's capital turnover is difficult. This was a good opportunity to wake you up and leave the casino, but instead, you threw out a fallacy: small gambling can not only make you happy, but also kill unhappy times. From then on, you became more addicted to small gambling entertainment ... At that time, many people thought you were the big boss, but you were in a temporary difficulty and didn't worry about getting back the gambling money. Since then, it has become common for you to owe gambling debts. But who would have thought that in the spring of 2002, your company was deserted, employees resigned one after another, and the company could not continue to operate and had to "close down". In order to repay several huge payables in business, a villa of five who spent six years was finally auctioned by the court-we returned to our hometown in the "backcountry". Dad, I never dreamed that you would die at this time and leave us!

It rained overnight, and many gamblers, usually brothers, began to ask you for debts. You always thought you wouldn't win much, but now you are as poor as a mouse in a church. What can I pay back? You have to run around to raise money, but in the eyes of relatives, friends and acquaintances, you are already a "heinous gambler". Who is willing to lend you money ... there is no way to borrow money, but every day someone comes to collect debts, and wherever you hide, gamblers will chase you ... In the winter of 2002, you finally chose an extreme method to end your life ... Dad, you know, although things happened and my grief-stricken mood was repaired to a certain extent, the shadow has never been erased. Perhaps, this shadow will accompany me all my life and even affect generations ... Dad, Dad, I love and hate you, how can I remember you? Yes, many people think that you are not memorable, but I know that you love me the most and will always regard me as the apple of your eye. No matter how painful it is, why you are willing to abandon me is still a mystery in my heart. In your life, only this incident has hurt me the most and has an unforgettable impact on my life. In memory of dad, because I'm still in pain!

Not in memory of dad, but because I want to wake up those who are addicted to gambling!

Tomb-Sweeping Day, I stood in front of my father's grave, with intermittent rain, thin intermittent rain; It's a sunny day, but it's gloomy and foggy ... [Modification] Changing the title to "Not the Memorial" is not only a topic, but also intriguing, so you can mention the full text. The rhetoric of using the second person and address is to express feelings. Insert a single paragraph in the appropriate place and push it forward layer by layer to make the emotional context clearer, make the nostalgia strong and memorable. There are three changes at the end: first, at the end of the article, it is pointed out that the title is "not a memorial"; The second is to delete the words explaining "awakening", because it is self-evident, and it is more closely related to "commemoration"; Third, the last paragraph was added, and the scene blended from beginning to end, echoing constantly, and the charm was endless. All changes are centered on deduction and lyricism, which is determined by the characteristics of the composition in the examination room and the content and theme of the article. [Author's feedback] Teacher Yi Ping: I have read your revised article many times, and every time I have painful memories, I can't help crying ... My story, but my feelings are written by you, and I am deeply impressed. Why doesn't the incident happen to you, but you can write out my feelings and what I want to say in my heart. You added a sentence to every floor, which awakened my feelings and aroused my tears; My original text is emotional, but in my heart, it is difficult to arouse the reader's * * *, which is the biggest shortcoming of the article-you helped me solve this problem. "Love and hate, hate and love" is exactly what I want to say in my heart, and you said it for me. Commemoration-not commemoration, but also reflects my ambivalence. Thank you, Mr Yi Ping!

Liang Wen June 28, 2005