I have warm light! -Thirty years of teacher-student love with Lin Fei and Xiaofeng

Perhaps it is coming to the year of "destiny", and I suddenly find that the road I want to take in my life and the people I want to meet seem to have been arranged by fate. Many years have passed, and I suddenly look back. On the mottled footprints of the years, there is a warm light that has been shining in front of me, whether it is night or day, whether it is near or far.

Life is like a song, but there is a song buried in my heart. I want to sing every day, but I dare not speak, for fear of singing the wrong sacred and warm tune. There is another kind of rain in the world. As long as it rains, the barren land will glow and sprout, blossom and bear fruit.

One evening in summer of beijing, I stood beside Chang 'an Avenue, waiting for someone. After wandering around the world for more than ten years, Beijing feels like a place where dreams are hidden. There are songs in the wind and rain in the clouds. I love Beijing, not the prosperity and noise, but the people who live in seclusion in this city.

I just like the familiar smell of hot flashes on Chang 'an Avenue and the bells surrounded by bicycles. At the entrance of Taijichang Street, it seems that my innate memories of past lives are buried on the brick floor at my feet. I stood and looked around, expecting the familiar figure. This dream, which has been in Beijing for thousands of times, is connected by blood because of the person I want to see.

A taxi stopped decisively in front of me and a woman with short hair got off. "Mrs. Feng Xiaofu!" I rushed forward and hugged her. For more than 20 years, I just like to see her surprisingly short hair and her strong Beijing accent, which is as bright as metal. Her face is round with a motherly smile. She should be old, but she always moves quickly. This time, she was afraid that I couldn't find a restaurant for the party, so she picked me up by car herself.

"Thank you!" When I got on the bus, I put my hand in her soft and thick palm, and that warm feeling reminded me of my mother. Speaking of it, there is a special fate in this world, not blood, but better than blood; There is also a teacher-student relationship in the world. They have never been introduced, but they are always guided by the soul. Thought of this, the in the mind a burst of boiling, the past vividly reappeared.

This pen name "Xiao Feng" was once the most important first teacher when I was a teenager. When I met Mr. Xiao Feng, I didn't know Mr. Lin Fei, let alone that they were a family.

Back to 1978, in February of early spring, my mother took her suitcase and took me to the gate of Northwest University under the ancient Chang 'an city wall. It was very cold that day, but I was wearing wool pants just knitted by my mother, corduroy pants outside, and a flannel plaid coat newly sewn by my mother. I stood warm, and my mother put her chubby hand on my shoulder: "Well, my mother's task has been completed, and I will go my own way in the future!" " "In the winter sunshine, I watched my mother squeeze into the narrow door of the bus and waved to me in the window. In a few months, I will be 16 years old, but I am no longer a teenager, and fate seems destined for me to go alone early.

I've always felt ashamed that I actually studied at my big brother and big sister in the Chinese Department of Grade 77. It is also because of my young age that classical literature has never attracted me. I remember that the teacher who talked about the Book of Songs asked everyone to analyze Meng, which made me worried. Finally, he said, "How can you understand the sadness of a divorced wife? Just analyze it! " In foreign literature class, I can't figure out why Anna Karelina is lying on the track and why Madame Bovary in Luzhuang is in pain.

In the last year of college, I have to write my graduation thesis. I suddenly found two small books in the bookstore, one is Biography of Xiao Hong and the other is Biography of Lu Yin, written by the same person: "Xiao Feng". I fell in love with Xiao Feng at first sight. From her book, I understand that literature is originally associated with the pain and misfortune of life! Xiao Hong, an unfortunate weak woman, wrote down her new life with a pen. Lu Yin, although fate ruined her love, her words turned it into eternity. Because I love Xiao Feng, I fell in love with modern literature. The May 4th Movement was China's enlightenment as well as mine.

1982 In the spring, my college graduation thesis "On Lu Yin" won the prize of excellence in liberal arts, and a subsequent article "On the language and artistic style of Xiao Hong's novels" was published in the Journal of Northeast Social Sciences of 1983. The editor-in-chief of Jiju wrote to praise me for having such an opinion at an early age. I told him: "It's all because of Mr. Xiao Feng's guidance!"

It is the most important wish in my college days to be eager to see Teacher Xiaofeng, but that is just a wish. I never imagined that only a few years later, I not only met her, but also became a frequent visitor to her home. Unexpectedly, she later became the most caring Jenny in the world. This strange fate is due to Mr. Lin Fei, and in the final analysis, it is due to modern literature.

1982 In the spring, I just graduated and asked to go to a newly-built university to teach China modern literature. The headmaster saw that I was under 20 years old and warned me first: "Some of your students are older than you, so you should teach well!" " In summer, the headmaster, whose face is getting softer, told me good news: "The school will send you to Dalian to attend a national summer seminar on modern literature!" "

In China in the early 1980s, anything could happen every day, and people were very excited. Everyone seemed to wake up from a dream, suddenly their eyes widened, and even the trees on the roadside tried to stretch their leaves. I feel that my young heart is like a thick soft sponge, eager to absorb rain and sunshine at any time. On the train to Dalian, I stuck my head out of the window. The scenery was so fast that I almost dared not look back. Life is a sudden surprise. I have a strong feeling that Dalian will bring me a brand-new world.

The first time I saw Dalian, the first time I saw the sea, and the first time I saw so many teachers and friends in academic circles! Hundreds of young teachers from all over the country are crowded in the stepped classroom of Liaoning Normal University, and the excited air seems to be full. In a short month, I almost saw a strong lineup of top experts and scholars in the field of modern literature research in China at that time, such as Tang Tao, Yao Yao, Ma Liangchun, Lin Fei, Qian Gurong, Lv Yaodong, Fan Jun and Yan Jiayan. Those precious days became the inexhaustible spiritual source of my later life.

Twenty-seven years later, I still clearly remember what Mr. Lin Fei looked like on the stage that day. He is taller than other scholars and has a strong southern accent, but it is quite clear and loud. His topic is "History of Modern Prose in China" and the modern prose masters he has carefully studied. Under his exploration, prose, the most authentic style in ancient China, is undoubtedly the most important achievement in the history of modern literature in China. At that moment, it suddenly dawned on me that small prose carries the truest torrent of an era and pushes the human spirit forward. To this day, I firmly believe that the achievements of China's modern prose are far above those of modern novels. Even in contemporary times, the achievements of prose can not be compared with those of writers since the May 4th Movement.

I visited Mr. Lin Fei for the first time in Dalian on midsummer night. I am very shy, and my heart is full of joy and anxiety with the company of my seniors and sisters. On that warm night, Mr. Lin Fei talked about modern prose masters, from Lu Xun to Zhou Zuoren, from Hu Shi to Lin Yutang, from Liang Shiqiu to Xu Zhimo. I am wary that his papers are always related to the writer's life experience and personality. Mr. Lin told me: "Fiction can be fictional, but prose is pure. Water flows from pipes and blood flows from blood vessels." I remember Mr. Ma Liangchun, then deputy director of the Institute of Literature of China Academy of Social Sciences. He smiled at me excitedly and encouraged me: "dedicate your future academic career to prose!" " It was then that I really entered the world of prose, and I was fascinated by almost all prose writers in the history of modern literature. The academic thought of Mr. Lin's "On Knowing People" has been deeply embedded in my life since then.

That summer in Dalian, facing the sea breeze, we went to Bangchui Island to visit Ding Ling and Chen Ming who were recuperating. After the vicissitudes of modern times, Ding Ling has been in the prisons of the Kuomintang and the * * * production party. From Miss Wen's Diary of a Lady to General Wu's The Sun Shines on the Sanggan River, she suddenly realized that everyone is actually a small wave that rises and falls in the torrent of the times. Her face is still full of smiles, and her heart is still full of trust and persistence in love. Holding Ding Ling's hand feels like holding the hand of history.

After Dalian, I went back to Northwest University to study for a master's degree in modern literature, majoring in Lu Xun. Tutor Mr. Zhang Hua, graduated from philosophy department of Peking University, was assigned to teach at Northwest University from 65438 to 0957. After the first class, he was beaten to the right, and then spent more than 20 years of silence. On the eve of my university graduation, he returned to the pulpit and gave us an elective course of "Research on Lu Xun's Thought". Teacher Zhang's first sentence in class is "This is the second class I will talk about in my life!" "Our tears immediately in her eyes. During the break, Teacher Zhang said to me, "As long as you understand Lu Xun, you can understand China. Only by knowing China can we study China's literature! "

When I was a graduate student, my tutor told us to study and took us to write the book Modern Prose of China. At that time, I often got a lot of guidance from Mr. Lin Fei. One day, I went to Beijing to ask a teacher for information. In the building of China Academy of Social Sciences in Jianguomen, because I didn't see Mr. Lin Fei, Deputy Director Ma Liangchun led me to see Mr. Liu Zaifu. Those two seniors took care of me all the way, and they were still afraid from time to time. China's Modern Prose won the Book Award later, and Mr. Lin Fei and my tutor became lifelong friends.

After my master's degree, I asked to teach modern and contemporary literature at my father's alma mater, Shaanxi Normal University. The joy here is to participate in two manuscripts, China Contemporary Literature and Peeking into the Mysterious Black Box. Happy things include giving lectures in five northwestern provinces. One day, I was discussing the advantages and disadvantages of modern literature and contemporary literature with a colleague. He suddenly said that his tutor studying in Beijing was Xiao Feng, which made my eyes suddenly stare big. He added: "Teacher Xiao Feng's husband is Lin Fei!" I was completely stunned. They are my favorite teachers for many years! At that moment, I made a wonderful decision to apply for Dr. Lin Fei's doctorate in Beijing.

199 1 year, an unusual year. The school sent me to Beijing to attend the anniversary meeting of Lu Xun's birthday 1 10. At that time, "Xue Lu" was the real "outstanding learning" of China, which had great potential to guide the new ideological trend of the times. In the morning, we met with party and state leaders in Huairentang. In the afternoon, in the hotel lobby, we argued about the right and wrong of Chen Yong and Wang Furen's theory, that is, whether Lu Xun's meaning was "political revolution" or "ideological enlightenment".

At night in Kyoto, a group of young students studying China's modern literature are walking on a wide street. I remember Zhu Shoutong from Nanjing University, Jin Hezhang from Zhejiang University, Jin Hezhang from Jilin University, Min Longquan from Wuhan University, Shandong University and so on. We didn't go for a walk, but walked to visit Mr. Wang Hui, who was excluded from the conference. At that time, Wang Hui, who had just published Rebellion against Despair, seemed to be a young academic leader. His residence is very small. We all seem to be sitting on the bed, and we don't remember anything, except that the crowd was very angry that night, and Wang Hui always smiled at us gently and warmly.

The next day, Mr. Wang Furen, a good friend of Beijing, had a drink. I am his senior in western universities, and I can sit at his hand. I was an undergraduate when Mr. Fu Ren was studying for a master's degree at Northwest University, so I can often see him thinking hard with a cigarette butt. He is from Shandong, with a simple and honest face, but he can read the original Russian intensively. As soon as he opens his mouth, he will be fascinated immediately. Unfortunately, I'm not used to it and I can't drink it well. Suddenly, I saw him wearing a flowered shirt, and his eyes shone with the brilliance of a young man. After drinking, Mr. Fu Jen said to me, "Little sister, if you want to learn knowledge, come to Beijing!" "

1in the spring of 992, the annual meeting of Lu Xun Research Association was held in Chengdu. Standing on the dam of Dujiangyan, the mountains and rivers are picturesque and green everywhere. President Lin Fei is standing next to me. I finally got up the courage and formally said to him, "I want to take your doctor's exam!" " Teacher Lin Fei looked at me with a smile, as if he already knew my mind: "OK, welcome to Beijing!" " ! The most important thing is to get good grades! "I really want to tell him that I have been waiting for this day for a long time. Looking west at Chang 'an, my home, your history is too heavy and your crawling is too slow. I really want to go, and I have to go.

This summer, on the eastbound train to Beijing, my luggage was full of books to take the exam in Beijing, but I didn't want to open them again. My husband sitting next to me, while studying the admission notice just sent by an American university, said to me, "You want to change your life, I want to change my life. But my goal is not Beijing, but America. If my visa is successful, I hope you will follow me! " My heart suddenly became confused as the train moved slowly forward. Who is in charge of the future destiny?

Before the college entrance examination, I made a special trip to visit Wang Hui in order to strengthen my confidence. Still that small room, still that gentle smile. 1992 After the Chengdu Olympic Games, our group visited Jiuzhaigou and left a wonderful photo on the top of Huanglong. Seeing that I had a lot on my mind, Wang Hui dragged me to the vegetable market downstairs to buy food, and then came back to cook in the smaller kitchen. I don't remember what I ate that day at all, but I remember that when I said goodbye, he hummed a tune, a tune for a long trip.

Back to the stifling examination room in hot Beijing. I know this may be the last opportunity for me to apply for a doctorate in my life, and what worries me more is that this may be the last time for Mr. Lin Fei to recruit his closed disciples. My wish for many years is tormenting me, but only I know. At the same time, my husband is applying for a visa in front of the gate of the American consulate. I am upset and I wonder if the window is good or bad.

In that year's exam, I did well in professional courses. But on the day of the final second interview, my husband told me that I had got the visa, and I suddenly lost my mind. Teacher Lin Fei sat in front of me and asked me kindly, "What is the most difficult part of prose creation?" ? What is the key to writing a good composition? "My state is almost barren, and my soul is out of body experience, which is simply a random answer. I didn't come to my senses until I walked out of the building. The question asked by the teacher just now actually asked me to answer a word "love"! Out of shame, I know that my doctoral career is over.

Maybe it's fate that I finally set foot on the road of travel. When he went abroad to say goodbye to Mr. Lin Fei, he told him, "Don't forget to write, you will make a difference in prose in the future." My heart is hot, but my wish is to learn prose. I never thought I would write prose! Teacher Lin Fei saw through me at a glance and said bluntly, "Prose is not a theoretical problem for you, but a question of how to practice it."

When I first arrived in America, my heart was bitter and my body was tired. Away from academics and literature, I often sigh in the dark: Is this life what I want? While I was wandering in pain, Lin Fei and Xiao Feng kept writing letters to care about me. The most inspiring sentence in the letter is: "The tree of life is evergreen. As long as you write it down, you can become a writer!" " Yes, pain is life, and experience is wealth! I want to write, write down the impact of foreign countries, and write down the joys and sorrows of a new generation of immigrants!

It was not until 1998 that my first collection of overseas essays, Traveling Around the World-My Days in America, was published. This little book with a blue cover was almost conceived with my children, and many chapters in it were completed after coming back from work at night. Fortunately, the stories of those who came to the new world for the first time and opened their eyes to see the world were not only published in Chinese newspapers in the United States, but also in Xi Evening News in their hometown. Thank my lovely mother for cutting and pasting it from the newspaper and sending it to me. This humble little book is my first attempt at overseas prose creation and my report to my mother.

Obviously, Walking the Tianya is not a mature work, but Mr. Lin Fei, who is far away from Beijing, resolutely prefaces this book. His long list of painstaking words not only fully affirmed that I am better at flying in the sky of emotions and images in talent and temperament, but also carefully analyzed the chapters in it, eagerly expecting: "As Rui Lin continues to observe her experiences and feelings in the United States, I believe she will tell her compatriots more exotic stories full of life." Every time I see this preface, my heart is hot and my eyes are hot. I understand that he is expecting me to sprint to a higher goal and realm.

Writing brings me the magic of life. Because of the story of Chinese in Houston written in Around the World, the mayor of Houston specially awarded me the certificates of "honorary citizen" and "cultural goodwill ambassador". Also in 1998, the International Liaison Department of the Chinese Writers Association began to pay attention to overseas Chinese writers. The consulate recommended me to attend the first overseas writers' pen meeting in Quanzhou, Fujian, but unfortunately I couldn't make it because my child was under two years old. However, their later book A Collection of 0/00 Works by Chinese American Writers/KLOC was selected as My China Woman in Houston.

In 2000, I participated for the first time in the global essay competition jointly organized by the largest overseas Chinese newspaper, World Journal, and the Los Angeles Writers Association. Leading all the way in the preliminary round, and finally winning the second place. Because I haven't won the first prize, all my literary friends congratulated me on winning the first prize. I gave this award-winning work "Looking at the Moon in a Foreign Land" to Mr. Lin Fei, and he wrote a sentence for me: "This text is the crystallization of your eight years of overseas life."

The most unforgettable year was 2003, when Mr. Lin Fei edited the classic overseas travel notes of 20th century masters with great momentum. Kang Youwei is the first choice in the book. Writers during the May 4th Movement included Liang Qichao, Lin Yutang, Guo Moruo, Mao Dun, Yu Dafu, Xu Zhimo, Zhu Ziqing, Bing Xin and Liang Shiqiu. Contemporary writers include Ji Xianlin, Chen Huangmei, Yang Shuo, Qin Mu, Wang Zengqi, Zong Pu, Wang Meng, Deng Youmei, Yu Guangzhong, Dong Qiao and Feng Jicai. I think he attached my Where Snowbirds Fly to the end of the book to encourage me. Later, when we met, he gave me a sample book and jokingly said, "This book was given to Chen by Kang Youwei!" "

2003 is also another bumper year for my prose creation. Since the publication of Around the World, I hope to get out of the close description of the mountains and rivers in North America and explore the deep feelings of Chinese and Western cultures in a broader geographical background. So, I went from Canada to Mexico, from western Europe to northern Europe, and my spiritual openness brought about changes in my writing. I remember that Autumn in England was still written by hand. It was first published in World Chinese Literature edited by Mr. Bai of China Federation of Literary and Art Circles, and officially entered the field of overseas Chinese literature research.

"Honeymoon in Paris-Walking on the Longitude and Latitude of the Earth" with ink and paper fragrance has just been published in Tianjin Baihua Literature and Art Publishing House, and I can't wait to dedicate it to Teacher Lin Fei. Every time I go back to Beijing, the first important thing is to drive to Jingshuyuan, quickly climb to the fifth floor and knock on the door, followed by laughter. Teacher Xiaofeng once cooked me her best braised pork, which was full of plates and cooked brightly. It's really delicious. They say that the only precious son is so tall because of these two magic weapons, one is braised pork and the other is enough sleep. At the dinner table, Mr. Lin Fei also gave me his new book "Reading Mentality Record", which has profound truth and passion like fire. Looking at his years in Fahua, his enthusiasm for research and creation is as unrestrained as that of young people. A warm light enters my heart and I feel that my blood has melted into a force that will never fail.

Back in America, I received a beautiful family essay "Farewell" written by teacher Lin Fei, which was to send their son to study in America. In the last paragraph of the article, Xiao Feng came home and touched the empty bed where his son slept, and I burst into tears. I saw a lot of comments later. Comparing Farewell with Mr. Zhu Ziqing's Back, there are two kinds of back, twice, but the effect is the same. Soon, the couple came to America hand in hand to see their son, and they also came to see me along the way. I never expected that when Teacher Xiaofeng came in, she immediately took out something, which was her apron, and said that she would cook for me, just like a loving mother. One of her cooking skills is making sparerib soup. The secret is to put more cooking wine, soup and meat are delicious.

During the Spring Festival that year, I wrote to Teacher Lin Fei: "There are very few people engaged in literary criticism in China overseas, and I should undertake this mission." Teacher Lin Fei answered me, "God has a great responsibility. In fact, your heart has never left school. Work hard for your own goals! " "In those days, I was like a lonely goose, with some hardships. In North America, few people, like me, explore and comment on people who write silently for the first time, and write a monument for my contemporaries without paying for the title.

In September, 2005, A Generation of Hong Fei —— Selected Novels by New Immigrant Writers from Chinese mainland in North America, edited by Seattle writer Rong Rong and me, was grandly published in American Canoe Press. 10, colorful leaves fluttered in the sky of new york, and writers and scholars from all walks of life from Canada, the United States and China flew to new york to celebrate the publication of the first collection of works by Hong Fei, a new immigrant writer in North America. What moved me most was Taiwan Province's literary predecessors, such as Dong Dingshan, Zhao,, Cong Su and so on. , are generous to join us. In his speech, Mr. Mark Ren, President of the North American Chinese Writers Association, pointed out that Chinese writing in North America has gone through five important periods, and the fifth important milestone is the rise and maturity of new immigrant writers from the mainland marked by a generation of Hong Fei. I was deeply moved by the old gentleman and pointed out: "In them, the hope and future of Chinese literature in North America are pinned."

In the same year, I was invited to Harvard University to participate in a dialogue between writers on both sides of the strait. At the end of the year, the domestic "Literary and Art Newspaper" selected my "Theoretical Innovation Award" and presented it in the Great Hall of the People in June+February, 5438. In 2006, Chengdu Times Publishing House grandly launched the "North American Classic Quintet", and my "On the Literature of New Immigrants in North America" was among them. Spring planting and autumn harvest, the cultivation of life is golden. I told all this to Mr. Lin Fei, and he felt very happy and comforted!

Going back and forth, returning home every year, has become the only way for my life. Every time I go back to Beijing, it is also an important ceremony for me to visit Teacher Lin Fei. Although I failed to become his disciple in the end, in his mind, I seem to have been his student for a long time, and he has made more efforts and expectations for me than others. The most unforgettable day was that Mr. Lin Fei's disciples celebrated his birthday in Beijing. Everyone invited me to play with him. I also feel warm and happy to see you bring a large pot of beautiful orchids to Mr. Lin Fei.

In 2009, the new book "Living in the Gulf of Mexico" was just published, and it won the excellent prose award of the global "Zhongshan Cup" overseas Chinese literature award. When I got off the platform, I flew all the way to the post office and sent the new book to Beijing. Because I can imagine that Mr. Lin Fei will definitely put this book "Living in the Gulf of Mexico" on his desk and then say with a smile, "Rui Lin's prose is getting better and better!"

In the past thirty years, I haven't written an article for teacher Lin Fei. As a junior, I have never had the courage to comment on the teacher's work. I just buried my deep gratitude in my heart and turned it into motivation, struggling all the way forward. I look forward to one day, really worthy of my teacher, and then say to myself: "I worked hard!" " "

Life is picturesque, but it needs a beam of light to shine. The light is bright and warm, not just through a painting.

The oil painting landscape also penetrated the historical sky.

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