To tell the truth, as a law-abiding citizen, I always think that I have nothing to do with "violence".
As a daughter, I respect my parents, understand the sufferings of their generation, and understand their helplessness of being derailed from modern society because of their age. As a wife, I love my husband. As a mother, I love my child and accompany her to grow up healthily. As a friend, I treat people sincerely and get along well with everyone.
I thought I had never used violence in my life, but after reading the book Non-violent Communication, I realized that some of my communication methods have also become "violent communication", which really hurts people around me. Verbal criticism, denial, judgment, non-response and foul language often bring them more pain than physical pain, and the wound is difficult to heal. Whether it is intentional or unintentional, it belongs to violence, which will make people hostile and indifferent.
For example, when I am cooking, the child will get angry with her when she comes over to be naughty: why are you so annoying, go away; Mr. Wang always secretly plays with his mobile phone when playing with children. When he can't stand it, I will say: Can you die with your child for a while? Because my parents want to use mobile banking, I don't care about worrying about their money being damaged. At first, I didn't think there was anything wrong with these daily activities, and I often disagreed. For various reasons, we even challenge each other's bottom line by picking the worst words again and again. But I don't know, we vent it, but it is based on the pain of our family.
It turns out that violence is not necessarily solved by force.
Dr. Marshall Luxembourg, a famous American psychologist, found a way of communication, according to which people can get along more harmoniously. This is nonviolent communication. He not only taught people how to get along, but also solved many conflicts and disputes around the world.
Language attack and language violence are often the most invisible and deadly weapons.
A good word warms three winters, and a bad word hurts June.
People who can talk always make people feel warm.
People who can't talk will always hurt people, which will make people's mood fall into a trough instantly and make a beautiful life fall.
On the afternoon of April, 2065438 17 17, a student aged 17 suddenly rushed out of the car and jumped off the bridge on Lupu Bridge in Shanghai. Their parents never thought that their abuse would ruin their children's life.
"Language violence will really become a weapon." Psychologist Wu Zhihong said.
This weapon may be hidden and harmless at first, but as it grows, its sharp edge becomes sharper and sharper, and sooner or later it will stab a person's heart or his own.
People on earth are good at living.
At the beginning of human birth, human nature itself is kind. The nature is similar, but the acquired environment and education are different, and the habits are very different.
So what is the insurmountable gap between us and talking well?
Dr. Luxembourg believes that it is a kind of alienated communication, which blinds our eyes, makes us unable to see our inner thoughts and realize our actions, thus creating a gap in our hearts. Dr. Luxembourg believes that the way of alienation is usually:
Moral judgment is to judge people by moral standards. If a person's behavior does not conform to our values, then he is considered immoral or bad. For example, the keyboard man on the internet, when encountering something, attacks others from the moral high ground without knowing the cause and effect of the matter and asking questions indiscriminately. So many people suffer, in fact, this is a potential "violence", and some even commit suicide.
1935, Ruan Yuling, a famous actress in the Republic of China, committed suicide, and only one sentence was written in her last words: "People's words are awesome";
20 15 Cindy, an artist from Taiwan Province province who was selected as the goddess of otaku on 20 14, committed suicide by inhaling too much helium at home because she could not bear the insult of long-term language violence.
In 20 16, Kimi, a 28-year-old actor, ended his life because of long-term online language violence, and was previously confirmed to have depression. ......
"Language violence is really terrible. It won't hurt people immediately like violence, but verbal violence is like a knife, which is connected in people's hearts. Some people can't heal this wound for a lifetime. " Hu said:
When we see this, verbal violence is the most terrible secret killer in our lives. It is said that people make mistakes. Even if they do something wrong, there are laws to punish them, rather than being decided by the keyboard man at will.
We are used to dividing people into good people and bad people, and think that bad people should be punished. When violence occurs, people often ignore each other's true feelings and blame each other for the conflict. At least most of the violence is rooted in this.
Comparison is one of the biggest sources of human suffering.
It is everywhere. What I hear most in primary school is whose children you watch study hard. In middle school, Aunt Wang's children next door were admitted to key high schools. When I was in college, Xiao Zhang in the community was admitted to the civil service. After graduation, I began to compare cars, houses and tickets. In short, there are comparisons where there are people. This comparison also masks our love for ourselves and others. Comparing with others will do great harm to people's self-esteem.
Dan Greenberg once said, "If you really want a miserable life, compare it with others."
Smart people only compare themselves.
As a mature adult, we should be responsible for our words and deeds. However, when there are differences, people usually add the word "have to" before the words to dilute and reduce personal responsibility. For example:
I have to look after the children!
I want to work overtime! I want to get up early!
Using these to reduce one's responsibilities will create a sense of powerlessness, make people feel uncomfortable and even be considered unreasonable. If it is "I choose" instead of "I have to", it may be solved.
I choose to look after children because I want to participate in every step of their growth.
I choose to work overtime because I want to improve myself better. I choose to get up early because I want to have a regular schedule and a healthy life.
We can use responsible language instead of shirking responsibility. Maybe there will be unexpected and wonderful changes in our lives?
Because of personal status, we often need to make some restrictions on other people, such as teachers and parents, give children knowledge and discipline, and limit their behavior to a certain extent. But we can't force them to live according to our ideas.
The above four communication methods will cause the gap between people, and even pay a painful price for it.
Now that we know what kind of communication is bad, let's see how to avoid it.
"Violent communication" mostly occurs between individuals and groups, which is caused by misunderstanding the needs of others. Then use coercive or threatening language to induce fear, sadness and guilt. When we continue to use "violent communication" in the conflict, it will divert the other party's attention and make it impossible to clearly express their needs, feelings and specific requirements, thus gradually fermenting the situation and accelerating the escalation of contradictions.
"Non-violent communication", also known as the language of love, refers to talking and listening with natural love after the violence subsides, which can greatly avoid the occurrence of language violence and the communication obstacles caused by it.
What should I do if I encounter language violence? The first thing to be clear is not to be a criminal. You can remember these four elements first: observation, feeling, need and specific requirements.
There should be a distinction between observation and comment.
The first element of nonviolent communication is observation. If we confuse observation with comment, others will only remember the comment and refute us.
For example, if I am too busy to have a baby, I will give it to my husband, but he 10 plays with his mobile phone 9 times. I really can't bear it: "You are so bad! Will you die if you accompany your child well? " Later, my husband replied to me with a sentence that has impressed me so far: "How can you be so vicious!" "
I was shocked at the moment I heard it. I stayed where I was at a loss, and anger and injustice welled up in my heart. Why did I become so disgusting that I could say such a thing? Now it seems that I just confused observation with comment.
"Observation without comment is the highest form of human wisdom," Indian philosopher Krishnamurti once said.
Whenever you don't know the whole picture, don't comment, as the Great Gatsby said, "When you criticize others, remember that not everyone in this world has the advantages you have."
You haven't suffered from me, please don't criticize my way.
In psychology, there is a word called "projection effect". It means that people often have the illusion that they are used to analyzing and judging according to what they think and see in their hearts, and think that the other person is the same.
A person's greatest malice is to impose his own ideas on others, maliciously speculate and evaluate others.
Many times, we really can't empathize, but we can choose kindness.
Here we should distinguish between feelings and thoughts.
The second element of nonviolent communication is feeling. Sometimes what bothers us is not the thing itself, but our view of it. Let's take the husband stealing a mobile phone while accompanying the baby as an example to analyze his thoughts and feelings:
A. idea: I have told you countless times, but you just won't listen. I don't think you respect me. B. feeling: I have told you countless times, but you just won't listen. I am disappointed, tired, sad and distressed.
When we say "I feel", we often express our thoughts instead of our feelings.
I think it might be more appropriate to change it to "I think I can …". In addition, when expressing feelings, weakness helps to solve contradictions.
When we hear some unpleasant sounds, we usually have the following four reactions:
Criticism often refers to expectations. Criticism of others actually indirectly expresses our unmet needs. If a girl says to a boy, "You will never understand me", in fact, she is eager to be understood. Why does it feel a bit like a common phrase for lovers to quarrel? Ha ha!
Unfortunately, however, most people don't know how to think from the perspective of demand. When communication is unpleasant, we are often the fault of others.
For example, after work, my husband threw away his socks without cleaning them in time. I might call him a slacker.
If we don't follow the advice of our parents and elders, we may be accused of being irresponsible.
I suddenly remembered an incident when I was a child. When I was a child, I was a little introverted and used to catering to others with grievances. I want to buy snacks and toys for my brother. As long as I want something, my parents will teach me that as a sister, you should make way for your brother.
In my memory, I always express myself euphemistically, thinking that my parents don't care about my feelings. Now I finally realize that I never told them what I needed.
Sincerity is more valuable than compromise. How painful it is for a person not to say what he needs!
When we observe, feel and need, we can make demands.
First, tell each other clearly what we want them to do. If we don't want the other party to do anything, the other party may be confused or even disgusted.
Tell me more about my husband's baby-sitting incident. As a child, the company of the mother is very important, and the company of the father is equally important. High-quality company is better than low-quality company. At present, although I don't pay directly, it seems that he is looking after the baby, but in fact the child is playing with him.
When the child wants to share her toys and happiness, the husband is playing mobile games. Playing mobile phone under the guise of accompanying children.
My request is that my husband can put down his mobile phone when he is with his children, and the game can be played later. Children grow up only once, and seriously participate in growth.
Non-violent communication is not a fixed formula, which can be adjusted according to different situations. In short, the essence of nonviolent communication is the understanding of the four elements of observation, feeling, need and request.
The development of this communication method is not overnight, and it needs to be changed slowly in life, rather than a set of templates to solve all communication problems.
Non-violent communication can make us see clearly what our real needs are;
Can treat deep-seated pain and break through the way of thinking that causes negative emotions such as anger, depression and anxiety;
Solve interpersonal conflicts in a way that does not harm people;
Learn to build a harmonious life experience.
On how to say yes, Dr. Luxembourg summed up the following five points:
1. Listen wholeheartedly
There is a Buddhist proverb that says: Don't do anything in a hurry, just stand there.
Not everyone can listen attentively to other people's experiences, and we are often eager to make suggestions, comfort or express our feelings. Imagine if a person wants you to know about his situation, but what he hears is comfort and advice, then he may be a little uncomfortable.
When a 3-year-old child appeared in front of his mother covered in mud, his mother must be furious. Before the child could say a few words, she interrupted him: "Can you just save snacks and change into new clothes ...", Barabara said a lot.
However, the child looked at his mother with a wronged face, and the tears in his eyes seemed to have something to say. It turned out that the child saw his mother's favorite flowers in the community and wanted to pick them and give them to his mother. Looking at the child who just turned 3, my mother was so ashamed that she couldn't speak.
Now I don't think mud is so important.
We often only see the surface of things, but we can't see the essence through the appearance. Listen wholeheartedly and believe in the power of listening.
To learn to love others, you must first love yourself. Never ignore your feelings at any time. It is the stupidest to punish yourself with other people's mistakes.
Only when a person loves himself first can he have the ability to love others.
If you can't even love yourself, then others won't cherish your love for others.
When we are angry or angry, think about why we are angry. There are usually the following four reactions:
1. Blame yourself. 2. blame each other. 3. Know your feelings and needs. 4. Feel the feelings and needs of others.
For example, I told my child countless times to play with his mobile phone, but he didn't listen. I'm disappointed. He is impatient, too. On the surface, it belongs to the combination of the first and the second.
First of all, anger drives me to punish others. I think he should admit his mistake and be punished. This is why I am angry.
In fact, I have to wash clothes, mop the floor and cook. The children need their father's company, not a dummy who plays with his mobile phone every time. Belong to the third and fourth kinds.
At this time, if I only pay attention to the feelings and needs of myself and my child and stop analyzing what mistakes he made, I will also pay attention to my psychological activities. His behavior may stimulate me, but it is not the root of my feelings.
When our actions can't meet our own needs, we feel the sadness of life and our inner desire.
Generally speaking, the use of coercive force in an emergency is for protection.
For example, for safety reasons, a three-year-old child should not be allowed to touch electrical appliances.
When using defensive coercive force, it is to protect yourself or others, not to punish.
If you try to make him realize the seriousness of the matter by punishing him, such as spanking and scolding him, it will often backfire.
Therefore, the first step to express anger reasonably is to stop blaming others and pay attention to your own needs.
The gratitude here is from the heart and has no potential purpose.
Some enterprises appreciate employees for personal purposes, which can better manipulate employees and may even make employees have rebellious psychology. Therefore, they will doubt sincere gratitude.
We sometimes hear people say that your cooking is really delicious. You may think, what should I do next time if I don't cook well? I don't want others to praise you now. I thought the other person said this out of courtesy.
Usually when we praise others, we seldom reveal our inner activities and put ourselves in the position of referee.
The most important thing in interpersonal communication is sincerity, heartfelt gratitude, and generosity can leave a good impression on people. The next time we face a compliment, try to smile and say thank you. It's as simple as that.
Such gratitude is neither arrogant nor modest.
Drucker, the father of modern management, once said: Know what to say, when to say it, to whom to say it, and how to say it.
Drucker revealed the essence of communication in one sentence. As human beings with language function, they naturally have different needs from other animals. It is this unique demand that makes communication very important in everyone's life.
Although nonviolent communication is a book of communication skills, it is better to say that it is a universal book.
It can not only help us feel our emotions, understand our needs, listen to the inner voices of others, and connect the emotional ties with others.
This communication method is not only applicable to the relationship between couples and marriages, but also to the relationship between the workplace, parents and children, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and friends.
I hope we can all talk about it.
Treat yourself gently and treat others sincerely.