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If children grow up under the "preference" of their parents-there are many kinds of parents' love, we use the word "preference" here, which means that parents love you not for any other reason, but because you are you, because of your own existence (preference and discipline are not contradictory, and good parents know how to use discipline scientifically to help children grow up).

Children who grow up in such love will have a "natural" confidence when they want to ask others to be kind to them when they grow up. For intimate partners, they can take it for granted that the other person should "deserve" to treat themselves-of course, they also have the ability to love others well.

But there are also such a group of children, children who have never been pampered, who tend to live in self-doubt and self-denial in adulthood. It is easier to have the following performance.

0 1 always sets his goals low, and even voluntarily gives up pursuing bigger and better goals, even though he is really eager to achieve them.

I am used to motivating myself in a negative way. It seems that only by criticizing yourself can we have the motivation to change.

It's easy to take others' opinions as accusations against yourself, and always feel that others' words are aimed at yourself.

It's hard for you to forgive your mistakes or failures. You always dwell on past regrets and worry about those "shouldn't".

I always compare myself with others, live in envy or jealousy of others, and feel that "others are better than me".

I feel embarrassed and at a loss for others' praise. I always feel that others' affirmation of themselves is only out of courtesy or goodwill.

Self-loathing refers to a person who fundamentally feels that he is not good or at least not good enough in all aspects, so he feels that he is not worthy of those good things or good relationships. This negative emotion makes children more likely to fall into depression when they grow up.

If parents always criticize their children's words and deeds, children will easily fall into self-loathing when they grow up. Especially when parents express criticism in an inappropriate way, children can't distinguish between "criticism of words and deeds" and "criticism of people", they will learn the thinking mode of "it's all my fault". ?

Or although parents have never been harsh on their children, they lack positive affirmation and encouragement and rarely express positive feelings in front of them. Young children are likely to interpret it as "my existence can't bring satisfaction to parents, I'm not good enough"?

It is an important experience for children to feel loved by their parents. This is the confidence that we will be favored by others for the rest of our lives. Children who lack this self-confidence may fall into a black hole of self-doubt and self-disgust.

It is worth mentioning that self-loathing will not only hurt the relationship between people and themselves, but also hurt the relationship between people and the outside world.

Self-loathing can also have a negative impact on intimacy and interpersonal relationships. People who are eager to be loved and self-loathing dare not start a relationship, but they think that no one will love themselves sincerely; Even if someone shows goodwill, ta will think that the other party is just "cheated" by ta's appearance. Once in-depth communication, the other party will find that ta is useless.

Like hitting children: parents' bad reviews are a knife stuck in children's hearts.

CCTV program "Psychological Interview" interviewed such a family: daughter Fan, 33 years old, stayed at home after graduating from college and didn't go out to look for a job for ten years.

In front of the camera, she recalled her childhood:

When she was in junior high school, she liked drawing and writing very much. She also designed sports shoes and clothes herself, but her parents' first reaction after seeing them was to belittle her hobbies: "What's the use? Is it useful? Read a book! "

When cooking, she accidentally put too much water, and the whole family came to accuse her: "Why did you put so much water?" I can't cook! "

After receiving one bad review after another from his parents, Fan became more and more inferior and felt that he could do nothing well. In the worst case, I can't even speak.

After graduating from college, Fan's speechless symptoms became more and more serious, but her family gave her a hard-hitting education: "If you succeed in the future, I will kneel down for you!" "You're screwed., the dog is finished."

In this way, Fan finally failed to survive the pain of being hit and had to spend the rest of his life in a self-enclosed world.

In fact, every child expects to be a better self.

Parents' blows and belittles make children deviate from the original track and fall into the quagmire of self-doubt and self-denial.

Writer Ai Xiaoyang once shared the story of herself and her father: When she was a sophomore, she worked very hard and won the first place in an exam. Who knows, when she excitedly sent her report card to her father, all she got was a contemptuous glance and a sentence, "A blind cat meets a dead mouse."

After work, every time she bought a gift to go home, her father would criticize her: "What did you buy?" ? How to spend money again! "

On the eve of her father's 60th birthday, she carefully considered and selected many kinds of gifts, but she still couldn't decide what to buy.

At night, she dreamed that her father was sitting in the massage chair she gave him and suddenly disappeared. Don't forget to scold her before she disappears: "Look at what junk you bought!" "

The denial and blow from parents are the lingering shadows of children's lives. Even when he grows up, even if he has made great achievements, in front of his parents, inferiority and fear always go hand in hand, jumping out from time to time to make him collapse.

Parents' bad reviews are scars in children's hearts that will never heal. If you want to destroy a child, say "you can't do anything well" in his ear every day.

As parents, what we should do most is not to kidnap children with understanding, to attack children with words, or to hurt children with comparison.

Instead, use appreciation and affirmation to inspire children's good side, and let children sublimate their inferiority into humility to life with hard work and persistence.

These unloved children need to learn to love themselves harder when they grow up in order to get rid of the curse of depression.

Self-love is "a state of self-support, which grows by supporting our physical, psychological and spiritual growth". Specifically, loving yourself includes the following five aspects:

0 1 satisfies the self-demand to some extent. It is normal for people to have desires and needs. Satisfying one's needs within a reasonable range is self-esteem and attention.

Care about your feelings and stay away from people and things that make you miserable. True love for yourself is to be able to act decisively after receiving the signal from your heart that you don't want it. Say no when you are uncomfortable, and pull away in time when you are in pain. You will not only take the initiative to perceive your feelings, but also care and return yourself to a healthy state.

A person who loves himself is honest with himself, can perceive his real thoughts and external reality, honestly admit his current situation and shortcomings, but at the same time accept himself. Many times, we think that self-criticism is one of the ways to promote progress. In fact, it may not bring motivation, but it will make people disappointed in themselves in constant denial and comparison, thus losing their mobility (Bernard, 20 19).

Face your mistakes frankly and forgive yourself (Carson, 2006). Ta people can face up to their shortcomings and faults, objectively look at the significance of these things in life, draw nutrients from them, and get promoted and grown.

Self-affirmation will not be easily shaken by external evaluation. They recognize themselves, believe that they are important, and believe that they deserve precious and beautiful things and a beautiful life, and this feeling is based on their own consciousness rather than other people's values. ?

Contrary to self-loathing, people who love themselves will pursue what they really want, because they believe that they deserve a better life and that even if they fail temporarily, they can improve their abilities in the process and have the ability to finally realize their ideal state.

At the same time, people who love themselves are not afraid to see their own shortcomings, but can give full play to their strengths and avoid weaknesses in their life choices. This wise choice and constant attempt enable them to achieve their goals with greater probability in a long time, thus gaining recognition from the outside world and their sense of value.

Children who have never been pampered since childhood may wish to pamper themselves more, respect their existence and listen to their inner desires. The world is gentler than you think. I hope you can accept yourself, be your closest friend, face all kinds of prejudices in life side by side, explore your life tasks, look at your potential and future possibilities with curiosity, and find like-minded friends and lovers who can support each other on this road.

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