Mom: What's the occasion now?
Child: The cinema.
Mom: The cinema is a public place. If you talk loudly in public, will it affect others?
Child: Yes. People who influence others in public are rubbish people.
Mom: Are you a garbage man?
Child: I'm not. Mom, I won't tell.
The child really didn't say a word after watching a movie. So the author lamented: "If every family educated their children like this mother, there would be no Xiong Haizi in the world."
It is a rule that the cinema should be quiet. However, why is this law formed? Because when watching movies in the cinema, "I don't want to be disturbed, so do others", so the rule of keeping quiet is formed.
Obeying the rules should be based on empathy and respect for the needs of yourself and others. If a child is respected by his parents from an early age, it will naturally produce empathy, and the rules are "mutually beneficial" for ta. When you grow up, you will also maintain the rules from the heart.
The child stopped talking because he was afraid of being judged as rubbish by his mother. Ta kept silent, not out of empathy for others, but because she was afraid of being judged and punished and had to abide by the rules. The rule becomes "suppress your own needs to satisfy others".
Why should I avoid not understanding my feelings and judging right and wrong?
I didn't ask too many questions. Why can't I stand running away?
In fact, most of the reasons are to escape the feelings and needs that are not respected inside. When lovers talk about their inner feelings and avoid them, ta will think, "What is this compared with the grievances I have endured?" Why are you telling me this? ","you are sick, go to the hospital to see a doctor. I am working overtime. What are you mad at me for? 』
Not only is it difficult to understand the feelings of lovers, but avoidance always suppresses their feelings. Solving problems by "forbearance" can only be tolerated for a while. If you can't stand it, run away and don't face it (having an inseparable blood relationship with your family may be afraid of moral condemnation, but all discomfort in intimate relationships can be forgiven and said "inappropriate").
When the nurturer uses the child's fear of judgment to manipulate ta, then a black-and-white judgment standard will be formed in the child's mind-I am quiet, I am a good person and a moral person; You broke the rules in the cinema. You are a garbage man. This is why some people will avoid completely denying each other because a small detail of their lover is not done well. Because the "standard" is narrow, just like a blind man touching an elephant, he just touches its trunk and says, "An elephant looks exactly like a snake."
The growth of avoidance needs to jump out of the narrow circle and let go of the inner evaluation of right and wrong. Know yourself and others' feelings first, and respect the true feelings that are not accepted. Someone's phone rang at the cinema. What if there's an emergency at ta's house? Have you ever been in the mood to call someone in an emergency?