Have you ever had such an experience:
When brushing a mobile phone, it is particularly easy to feel worried about negative news; If you brush too much, you will even feel anxious and depressed;
Will unconsciously be affected by the negative emotions of people around you and feel depressed;
Seeing touching fragments in film and television dramas or novels, once you enter the play, you may not be able to walk out for a long time;
When friends around you encounter misfortune, you will feel sad for a long time, and you will still feel guilty after providing help as much as you can. ...
If you often fall into such emotions, it means that you are experiencing mental trauma caused by too strong empathy.
There is a personality trait in psychology called "empathy", which refers to people with high empathy.
"Empathy" itself is a warm and kind quality. People who feel the same way are more sensitive and can put themselves in others' shoes.
People who are too empathetic often live in pain and even be used because of emotional overload.
Once upon a time, a fox accidentally fell into a hole in the ground.
It shouted helplessly for help: "I'm trapped, it's so dark here, I can't stand it!" " "
A deer poked its head out from above and said, "Oh! It's terrible! "
He looked at the fox sympathetically and asked, "Do you want a sandwich?"
A bear crept into the hole from the ground.
He did nothing but say to the fox, "Hey! I know what it's like down there. You're not alone. "
In the face of trapped foxes, deer and bear have diametrically opposite attitudes.
One is to stand at a distance and give sympathy and comfort;
The other is to give enough empathy around, so that the fox can feel the comfort of being understood and empathetic.
People who have empathy have an unparalleled power.
It is more obvious in interpersonal communication in daily life.
Excellent managers can rely on empathy and high emotional intelligence communication to lead a good team, so as to achieve the success of the project and the promotion of the workplace;
Excellent parents let their children grow up in a healthier and more sunny environment through their empathetic companionship and education;
Even ordinary people can better feel the emotions of people around them because of empathy, so as to handle interpersonal relationships and gain good popularity.
But Tao Te Ching once said: Everything in the world is interdependent and unity of opposites.
Empathy constitution is like a sponge, which can absorb the joys and sorrows around it.
They are sensitive, good at listening and creative;
But it will also be trapped in the world and it is difficult to live in bondage;
This duality is extremely obvious in literary and art workers.
Empathy makes artists more sensitive and fragile while creating touching works.
From 65438 to 0995, a study by the University of Kentucky showed that at least 50% artists suffered from depression.
In fact, not only artists, but everyone is the same. Empathy is like an uncontrollable "gift".
If you can control it, it is a "godsend", if you can't, it will become a "punishment".
Suffer unnecessary pain because of excessive empathy and sensitivity:
First of all, it is easy to be influenced by negative information and produce alternative trauma.
Substitution trauma is a traumatic reaction after receiving negative information such as disasters and tragedies, and it empathizes with the victims.
It is normal to feel anxious in the face of human tragedy.
But for people with empathy, receiving these negative messages means feeling the pain of being there.
Exposure to this kind of information for a long time, if not resolved in time, will damage mental health and produce symptoms such as anorexia, insomnia, anxiety and depression.
All excessive empathy is actually hard on yourself.
When empathetic constitution is uncomfortable, it will automatically ignore its own feelings, accommodate others, and easily encounter emotional blackmail.
Osamu Dazai once wrote in Migratory Birds:
People who are too sensitive will understand the pain of others, so naturally they can't confess easily.
People who are highly empathetic can't get rid of a poor family because of the phrase "I have worked hard to raise such a baiwenhang";
You can't get rid of your partner's PUA；; Because of the sentence "Why are you not satisfied with paying so much for you?"
It will also be because of a sentence, "We have such a good relationship, and you still don't agree with this little thing?" You can't say no; Unreasonable demands on others;
Because they are good at listening and lack a sense of boundaries, people with empathy can easily become "emotional garbage dumps" for people around them.
You are often forced to receive these negative energy messages that you don't want to hear and tell yourself that this is the trust of your friends.
The result is that the other person forgets after pouring the bitter water, leaving you depressed.
Many of our unhappy reasons are that you are considerate of other people's difficulties and have to be hard on yourself.
People with empathy need to master four abilities if they want to avoid excessive empathy:
1. Learn to "transcend perception" and distinguish emotions.
The first step to overcome the dark side of empathy is to look at emotions from a distance.
When you have strong empathy, you might as well ask yourself two questions:
How did I feel before I became angry, sad or excited?
Did a trigger event occur before this feeling appeared?
If you felt good before and nothing special happened, it means that you may have been emotional contagion by someone else.
Take a few deep breaths and let this feeling disappear naturally.
Only by transcending perception and learning to distinguish and control emotions can empathy become a gift, not a punishment.
2. Learn to be "clear" and establish boundaries.
Empathy is bound by two contradictory feelings in interpersonal communication.
I will be anxious about trying to help each other, but my rights and interests are violated. It will also satisfy the sense of mission to help others and be happy.
This ambivalence will make it difficult to establish a clear personal boundary.
Every effort without boundaries is a bondage to oneself.
You can't live your true self, and you can't give your best to the more important people in your life.
Therefore, you need to know where your limits are and what kind of things will make you feel uncomfortable.
When others cross the line, learn to refuse, and tell them clearly that you are uncomfortable, you don't want to do it, and you don't want to listen.
If the other person ignores your feelings, you should stay away from such people.
Remember, you don't always have to be considerate.
3. Learn to "shield" and clean up overloaded information.
Even if we learn to reject and define boundaries, there will still be many things breaking into our times.
At this time, you should learn to block out the information you can't bear.
For example, when you feel depressed after watching too many negative news, remind yourself to put down your mobile phone.
For example, stay away from friends who often complain to you and vent negative energy.
At the same time, leave some time alone for yourself every day, and clean up the overloaded information through meditation and other means.
4. Learn to "love yourself" and take care of yourself.
A loving person is affectionate to himself.
People with empathy should take good care of their mental health.
When you realize that you feel anxious, irritable and painful because of excessive empathy, do more things that make you feel happy.
Rich diet, regular work and rest and proper exercise can effectively improve serotonin and dopamine and make people feel happy.
Getting along with small animals and touching them can trigger oxytocin and relieve anxiety.
Dancing, singing and painting can stimulate the secretion of endorphins, help people release stress and enhance their sense of pleasure.
Only by taking care of yourself can we fight against negative emotions and live more comfortably.
Finally, the most crucial point. Everyone with empathy will be kidnapped by his "lofty moral sense".
But as the author of "Getting rid of empathy" mentioned in the book: If reason does not exist, kindness is meaningless. Sometimes we should ask ourselves:
Whether we need to bear the pain of others; Whether other people's life problems need us to bear;
Many times, is our goodwill a kind of self-emotion?
Letting go of the complex of helping others is a respect for the fate of others and a release for yourself.
Only "just right" empathy can maintain moderate goodwill.
Qian Zhongshu once wrote such a passage, which I like very much:
Take a bath, look at flowers and have a meal. If you feel happy, it's not all because the bath is clean and the flowers are blooming well, or the food is to your taste, mainly because your heart doesn't get in the way.
I hope everyone with empathy can be more gentle with themselves.
Let life continue to be fragrant in kindness.