Emotional intelligence: the ability to perceive and control emotions. For parents, EQ is to be aware of children's emotional fluctuations, have the ability to put themselves in other's shoes, and guide children to calm down their emotions. For children, it means the ability to resist impulse and procrastination? The ability to satisfy, the ability to motivate yourself, the ability to read other people's social tips, the ability to understand other people's inner world, and the ability to cope with the ups and downs in life.

Children with "high emotional intelligence" are better at emotional management than ordinary children, including? The ability to adjust one's emotional state. When you are lost, you are better at comforting yourself. They can calm down faster. Their probability of getting sick is also greatly reduced, and it is easier for them to concentrate than other children. Even in the most difficult childhood, they can get along better with others-at this stage of growth, being laughed at is something that every child will experience, and most children will become extremely emotional. They can understand others better, have better friendship with other children and do well in school.

There is a big difference between wishing for children well and turning these good wishes into reality.

When parents give their children empathy and help them cope with negative emotions such as anger, sadness and fear, parents are also building bridges with their children with love and loyalty.

Because you feel love and closeness to your family, understanding, obedience and sense of responsibility will naturally arise. The emotional interaction between children and their families can also be the basis for cultivating good values, and then cultivate individuals with moral concepts. Children will act according to family standards because they know that good behavior is expected in this family, and doing things correctly can make him accepted by the whole family.

1, the emotional communication between parents and children determines the development of children's emotional intelligence.

A good relationship is better than many educations, and a good relationship determines the success or failure of education. What is a good relationship? First of all, we must have empathy, that is, fully understand the child's feelings and have the ability to become the child's confidant, that is, "a good child will always be on the same side as his parents." Accepting children's emotions does not mean accepting children's behaviors. Only accepting children's emotions can guide children's behaviors.

We hide or divert many children's emotional problems. Over time, these unsolved problems have become rubbish and the root of various psychological problems. The so-called educational experience such as "tiger mother" and "wolf father" actually ignores children's rights and emotions, which is a common educational misunderstanding. Parents often only ask about academic performance and diet, and rarely listen to their children's problems in life and troubles in their hearts.

There is evidence that girls who can't distinguish between anxiety and hunger are more likely to have eating disorders, while girls who are not good at controlling impulses in childhood are more likely to get pregnant before the age of 20. For boys, impulsive personality in childhood makes him more likely to commit crimes or commit violent acts. For all children, if they can't deal with anxiety, depression and other emotions, there will be a great risk of drug abuse or alcoholism.

Like many parents, I didn't expect that I would pay so much effort to my children. I never thought how excited my daughter would be when she smiled, talked and read for the first time. I can't predict how much patience and concentration she needs me to put into every minute; I don't know how much I want to pay attention to her as long as she needs my attention. But at the same time, I am surprised by the frustration, disappointment and vulnerability I often feel in this relationship. Very depressed, because I find myself sometimes unable to communicate with her; Disappointed because she has bad behavior; Fragile, because the world is too dangerous, losing her means losing the whole world.

Whether divorced or not, fathers who give emotional support to their children can raise happy children.

The key to successful parenting lies not in profound and complicated theories, detailed and comprehensive family rules or obscure dogmas of action, but in your deep love and feelings for your children, which are only presented through empathy and understanding. Successful child-rearing starts from your heart, and then you communicate with your child emotionally all the time, especially when he is sad, angry or afraid. It is not difficult to raise a child successfully. The key is to be with him in some way.

2. Evaluate your parenting style.

Ignoring parents: ignoring, ignoring or belittling children's negative emotions;

Disapproving parents: they are critical of their children's negative emotions and often reprimand or punish their children's negative emotions;

Laissez-faire parents: They tolerate children's emotions and empathize with them, but they can't provide necessary guidance or draw boundaries for their behavior.

Emotional management training parents: they tolerate children's emotions, but they will not condone all their behaviors. They can set boundaries for children's behavior and provide necessary guidance.

Two. Emotional management training

Try to understand children's emotions, try not to criticize them, ignore their feelings, and try not to remove them from their emotions, and they will allow us to enter their world. They will express their feelings and share their views with us. When there are contradictions in life, children will stand on the United front with us and solve problems together.

1. Five key steps of emotional management training

(1) Perception of emotions: It is a lifelong research topic to cultivate self-awareness of emotions. However, as long as you practice with your heart, you can immediately realize the positive effects brought by different consciousness States. Parents who allow themselves to be angry and sad will calm down and listen to their children's emotions. Methods to cultivate emotional self-awareness include meditation, prayer and painting. Keep a diary and other art forms. Improving emotional perception requires time alone. Emotional diary keywords: happiness, love, interest, excitement, pride, desire, love, being loved, gratitude, tension, injury, sadness, disgust, anger, pity, disgust, self-blame, jealousy, regret and humiliation) Emotional diary can also help those who are afraid and out of control. Those emotions that look like semiscon vocal bands are presented and defined in a certain form, becoming more controllable and less terrible. Do you feel the release of energy through emotional expression, which gives people strength and makes people feel refreshed?

Empathy-the basis of emotional management, putting yourself in the child's shoes, when we see the child crying, we can understand his pain; When we see the child's anger, we can understand his troubles and resentment. The most common mistake parents make is to turn their expectations of their children into communication obstacles and accusations, and give them lessons and suggestions. As a result, their kindness backfired, and their children were more sad and misunderstood.

Research shows that women can express their feelings more naturally through language, body language and facial expressions, while men are more inclined to suppress, cover up or even deny their feelings. Men who tend to retreat in expressing and perceiving emotions will encounter obstacles in family relations. Men have all the internal conditions needed for emotional management, they just need to allow themselves to use these existing experiences.

Whether a person is willing to express his emotions depends on cultural factors (Italians in Latin America are extroverted, Scandinavians in Japan are introverted, etc.). )

Children make you angry. You can fully express your anger. The key is to use harmless methods. The premise is to respect each other and avoid belittling and belittling. If you find yourself too angry to think, you might as well stop. When you regret, apologize to your child and set an example for how to deal with regret and sadness. Children may work with you to come up with a better way to avoid the next misunderstanding and conflict. Always remember that children are always eager for the love and care of their parents.

Children under the age of 7 usually don't express their feelings directly, so we need to decipher their true feelings from the various role games they play.

(2)? Seize the best opportunity?

When children express their feelings and feel that they are understood, negative emotions will melt away. When a 5-year-old child is nervous when preparing to go to the dentist, you'd better manage this fear instead of waiting for him to cry in the dental chair before taking action. Therefore, when there is a slight negative emotion, we should actively deal with it to avoid escalating into a family crisis.

(3)? Listen and recognize? Repeat what you have heard and say what you have observed; Sharing your own life experiences and feelings is also a way to express your understanding of children's emotions. "You look tired." "When I mentioned the recital, I found you frowning." If you ask your child, "Why are you sad?" He may have no idea at all, but you said, "When I was a child, I was jealous when I saw your aunt Mary receive a gift." When the child feels understood, he is more willing to accept his father's explanation: "Grandma may give you a gift when you have your birthday."

(4)? Help children express their emotions? -Label

Emotional keywords can help children turn vague, fearful and uncomfortable feelings into definable things, and gradually realize that their existence is a normal part of life. Everyone will experience anger, sadness, fear and other emotions, which can be dealt with independently.

Labeling emotions has a calming effect on the nervous system. It can help children calm down from unhappiness, and it will be invaluable to teach children to comfort themselves. They will have better concentration, closer partnership, higher academic performance and healthier physical condition. Seeing tears in their eyes, their parents asked, "Are you sad?" In this way, children not only understand their emotions, but also know what words to use to express their strong emotions. Instead of teaching them how to feel, it is better to help them build their own emotional expression vocabulary.

Emotions sometimes appear in compound forms, which are more difficult to interpret. The more children can accurately express their feelings, the better their EQ will be improved. It depends on whether you can help the child. When he is angry, he may feel depressed, angry, confused, jealous or betrayed at the same time. Before going camping, a child will be proud of his independence and worry that he may be homesick. "Everyone cares about this matter. In this case, parents should help their children realize their multiple emotions and tell him that it is completely normal to feel these two or more different emotions at the same time.

(5)? solve problems

Draw a line: draw a line between correct behavior and bad behavior. Green is recognition, yellow is an act that will be tolerated for some reasons, and red is an act that will not be tolerated anyway. All feelings and wishes are acceptable, but not all behaviors are tolerated. For example, you are angry because Danny took your game machine. If I were you, I would be angry, but it's wrong to hit him. Think of other solutions?

Setting goals: What kind of problems need to be solved? The goal needs to listen to the children's thoughts. If you want to fix a kite that leans to one side and solve a confusing math problem ... you can tentatively intervene in some of your own ideas and guide children to find out the reasons for this feeling. "What happened today?" "What do you think makes you feel sad/anxious/angry?" Sometimes there seems to be no solution to the problem. When a child's pet died and his best friend moved to another province, he didn't get the expected role in the play. At this time, the child's goal may just be to seek comfort and accept the reality.

Find a solution: Parents should resist the urge to help and let their children enjoy the fruits of the whole process. They should be encouraged to put forward their own ideas through thinking. Children can use role-playing or drawing. Older children can brainstorm and tell him that nothing is stupid. Only when all the solutions are on the table can you start to choose which one is more effective. You can take notes. So you can tell him that you value this process. While looking for solutions, it is beneficial to children's progress to link past experience and good methods with the present situation. Example: Molly chose a swimming partner ... At this time, I really want to jump out and express my opinion, but it can't help Mo, so I: Can you think of something else? Mo: I can't remember. Me: OK, let's continue our discussion. You feel very uneasy. Have you ever felt this way before? Mo: Well, there is ... Mo: Maybe I can tell Ma that I don't want to be her partner recently, but I still want to be her friend. I: Good. Since you have two solutions, I know you can come up with a good one. Encourage children to consider every solution. "Is this solution reasonable?" "Will this work?" "Is this safe?" "What will others think?" Through discussion, there is also an opportunity to emphasize family values to children again. For example, "we think it is better to face problems than to hide at home" can also strengthen the excellent quality of children. "I'm glad to hear that you will tell Ma that she still wants to be friends with her. It is very valuable to consider the feelings of friends."

2. Emotional management training strategies-to make emotional expression more effective.

(1) scaffolding education-"Great, press the button at the critical moment". This kind of targeted praise is more effective than generalities. With the help of small achievements, you can stimulate your child's self-confidence and take him to the next stage of progress.

(2) Neglecting their own parenting tasks: Parents believe that the goal of parenting must be achieved, which is related to their children's future. For example, shaping children's valuable qualities: courage, thrift, kindness and self-discipline. Once parents' minds are filled with these tasks, they will constantly correct their children, ignoring their true emotions and intentions. Parents can convey values, but pay attention to ways and opportunities, and don't let parenting tasks hinder communication.

(3) Draw a map of the child's daily life in his mind: his favorite subject, his friends. ...

(4) Don't stand with the "enemy"

(5) Turn a child's experience into an adult's similar experience: Imagine that when you want to speak, others are ignoring his feelings.

(6) Don't impose your solution on your child when she encounters a problem.

(7) Give the child the right to choose and respect her wishes: After living in the adult world for a long time, we often forget how helpless the child is. Of course, many times parents are in a hurry or they are under too much pressure. The sooner children show their intentions, the more they can take responsibility for themselves and avoid being in danger during adolescence.

(8) Share children's dreams and wishes: If a child wants to buy a mountain bike, he can share all kinds of wonderful things he can do after owning a mountain bike, but he can also be invited to brainstorm how to earn money to buy a car.

(9) Be honest with your children: You shouldn't just parrot say "I understand you" and "I would be angry if it were me". If you are not sure whether you understand or not, you can map out what you see by asking a few questions, so as to ensure smooth communication channels and not cheat in front of children.

(10) Reading with children: Choosing some classic books can help children accumulate a vocabulary and discuss how characters deal with emotions such as sadness and anger. It can last for more than ten years and become a daily habit.

(1 1) Always be patient: If you have such determination, you will find that those seemingly ordinary locks are precious memories, and they have become priceless treasures worth remembering.

(12) Understand the power base that parents should have: the power base is the emotional connection with children, and parents decide what behavior is allowed.

(13) I believe that human nature is developing in a good direction: I believe in children's emotions, and they are working with us.

(14) Not suitable for emotional training: when you are in a hurry, when others are around, when you are too tired or sad, when your child has made a serious mistake (besides identifying with the emotions behind bad behavior, you should also express anger and disappointment in an appropriate way), when your child pretends to manipulate you with emotions (for example, I know you are angry, but crying can't make us change our minds, so we will still go out. When you want to postpone emotional management, promise your child that you will find another time to talk about it.

3. Protect children from family conflicts.

(1) Parents should master the methods of emotional management training, instead of pretending to have a happy marriage for their children, and let them know how to deal with conflicts. Emotional management is also a demonstration.

(2) Avoid the four killers of marriage: criticism, contempt, defense and building a wall.

(3) Conduct emotional management with children frankly and openly, to prevent children from taking their parents' contradictions as their own responsibilities and not using children as weapons against each other.

4. Father's participation-the law of raising a father with high emotional intelligence

(1) There are two directions for human development, one is intimacy and the other is independence. Mothers have natural advantages in cultivating children's intimacy, while fathers are irreplaceable in cultivating children's independence.

(2) If the father remains optimistic, has a positive attitude to interact with the children and allows the children to dominate the direction of the game, the children will have better social skills when they grow up.

(3) Participate in the children's life from pregnancy: If the husband and wife have differences in the way of taking care of the children, they may wish to share the responsibility for each other.

(4) Accompany children to grow up, integrate into daily life, eat, bathe, dress and look after them every day. A successful father will accompany his children to grow up in the next 20 years.

(5) A man's first identity is to support his family, but he must also understand that if he misses the opportunity to integrate into the life of his wife and children, he will miss the person who makes his work more meaningful.

(6) Fathers enjoy more freedom at work, so they may give their children more autonomy. If closely supervised, children will be required to be obedient, obedient and even corporal punishment. Whether it's a father or a child, it's very important to change jobs, or at least make the current job less stressful.

5. Integration with children's growth, five critical periods

(1) In the third month of infancy, when the baby is uncomfortable because of emotional tension or excitement, parents know how to deal with it in a comforting way, and the child will try to absorb it and try to comfort himself in some ways, which is an important part of emotional health. Parents can imitate their children's actions or create more games to interact with them. After 6-8 months, they will begin to understand their surroundings and feel scared. Anxiety about strangers, etc. Parents form the role of "social reference" and "safe base" and can communicate with their children like mirrors. "You are a little sad (afraid, happy, etc.). ) Now, isn't it? " Babies aged 9- 12 months will know that people can share their emotions and thoughts (for example, the cup is broken and dad says you are sad), and they will understand constancy (for example, the ball rolled under the bed, which doesn't mean it was gone).

(2) 1-3 years old, children begin to define their self-concept and learn to use autonomy. Ownership rule: A, what I see is my B, and what you have is my C. If I want it, if it is mine, it will always be mine. At this age, it is more suitable for children to play alone. At this stage, children also have the ability to imitate according to memory.

(3) When children are 4-7 years old, they will experience a series of fears and anxieties in their daily lives, and fantasy games are an effective way to help these children cope with these anxieties. There are many things that children are afraid of, but they can be classified into the following categories: a. Fear caused by helplessness can cultivate children's ability to choose independently and make them feel stronger; B. For the fear of being abandoned, you can't joke about abandoning him. If you have such feelings, you should recognize and guarantee to love him, take care of him and meet all kinds of needs in his life. C. You can't restrain your fear of the dark, and even think that your child is a coward. You should realize this kind of emotion, and even put a nightlight on your child. D. Afraid of nightmares, hugging her, telling stories like Annie wearing a ring to beat the tiger ... E. Family conflicts.

(4) At the age of 8-12, children participate in a wider range of groups, and children become more and more proficient in reading other people's social tips. This social skill will benefit her for life. At this stage, ridicule is like a melting pot, and many standards of behavior are shaped. Children often "cut off their emotions". When there is a conflict between peers, the method of sitting down and talking for preschool children will become a disaster. Expressing emotions at this age will bring trouble, but they also feel the influence of intellectual leap while suppressing emotions. Their self-values are forming, and they see the world in black and white. So rude and mocking the adult world has become their typical behavior. They suddenly realized that there are so many autocratic and illogical things in this world, but at the same time they called on everyone to have the right to express themselves freely. On the one hand, the wardrobe can only be your own. Parents should relax at this stage, which is a stage of exploration and trial. It is normal for them to follow the trend and treat their partners in an authoritarian way, unless the children do something out of line or are rude to you. At this time, you should tell him how you feel about the whole thing. This is a good opportunity to convey values and teach him to respect each other at home and be kind to others outside.

(5) Teenagers