1. The environment in which children grow up has changed: when human beings enter the era of informationization and marketization, the connotation, space and influence of family, community, school, friends and cultural environment have changed greatly compared with the past.
Second, children's training goals have improved: today's children may not be able to find an ideal way out after graduating from college. Nowadays, the world is dominated by knowledge economy, and human beings have entered the era of intelligence. Talents pay attention to innovation ability, but innovation ability is not innate and needs knowledge, education and ability, so the pressure of knowledge, study and professional education increases accordingly.
Third, the family structure has changed: with the gradual "fewer children" in society and the increase of only-child and single-parent families, the family relationship and psychological structure will naturally change. For the above reasons, today's children bear too many responsibilities, so they are under great pressure and psychologically more fragile.
To this end, I am going to communicate with you today on the topic of "Ten Suggestions to Help Solve Family Education Problems".
First of all, I want to introduce ten classic problems of family education today. These ten classic questions are: How to improve your academic performance? How to learn parent-child communication? How to intervene growth defects? How to overcome the common problems of family education? How to learn parent-child care? How to study junior college education? How to create a good environment? How to learn the whole brain? How to learn to surf the Internet? How to open learning talent? I believe that whoever can solve these ten classic problems scientifically will have first-class family education.
In order to help parents solve the problem of family education, I put forward ten suggestions on family education, which is the so-called "ten wants and ten don't".
1. Learn parent-child communication, and don't say that children are disobedient;
2. We should improve the learning effect through the learning process, and don't replace the process education with the result education;
3. Help children overcome the troubles of growing up, and don't replace parent-child care with nagging;
4. Pay attention to the growth defects of the only child, and don't neglect group education and children's playmate education;
5. We should overcome the two common problems of family education in China, and don't ignore the spiritual harm of stick education;
6. Create a good family environment for children's growth, and don't replace words and deeds with simple preaching;
7. Pay attention to children's learning talents from an early age, and don't replace mental development with academic education;
8. Take the main responsibility for children's health education, and don't replace family education with school education;
9. Actively promote children's whole brain learning, and don't ignore the cultivation of children's multiple intelligences;
10. Actively surf the Internet with children, and don't easily say that children have Internet addiction.
My "Ten Don 'ts and Ten Don 'ts" need ten reports to complete. Today I can only talk about two topics: the first topic, the growth defect of the only child and educational intervention; The second topic is how to learn parent-child communication.
Let's talk about the first topic: the growth defects of the only child and educational intervention.
First, the only child's growth defects and educational intervention
Dear parents, from the growth process of the only child and the research on the behavior of some only children towards life, the only child has some unique growth defects. Now I want to talk about the growth of the only child from the perspective of human socialization. The only child has unique natural defects in the process of growing up. If we don't admit this natural defect, it will mislead the education of children in families and schools and affect the healthy growth of children.
For example, in a family with brothers and sisters, children often quarrel over trifles. If we look at the problem from another angle and regard quarreling as a way of discussion, then under natural conditions, quarreling between brothers and sisters is one of the best ways of communication and a way of developing intelligence. In the quarrel, for the sake of "truth", they have to use their brains to argue with each other through oral language, and sometimes even use their fists. In this way, what children think, say and do in their hands can be vividly and coherently expressed. We don't advocate quarreling between brothers and sisters, let alone fighting. What I'm talking about here is the objective effect of quarrel on intellectual maturity in children's growing experience. The only child has no chance to quarrel with his peers at home. In the one-child family, because he often has no communication with his playmates, he does his homework, plays with dolls, goes online and sleeps alone. He didn't have a chance to say what he thought, and he didn't have a chance to do it. As a result, some children couldn't say what they thought clearly and couldn't do what they said. At school, children only pay attention to learning, ignoring the communication between classmates, and there are few group activities. On holidays, a large number of children attend training just like rushing to the scene. Some children attend eight to ten special education classes a week, including exam-oriented counseling.
For another example, over-education is also a very serious family education problem. According to the growth law, the decisive factors of children's healthy growth are physiological factors and experience factors, both of which are indispensable. Even if you are born a genius, assuming that there is such a genius, it is difficult for him to grow up healthily without acquired experience. The two should be organically combined in education. I often say that parents should not neglect their children's talent cultivation, but should pay more attention to experience and experience education. However, today's education is not to cultivate talents, not to experience and experience education, but to instill cultural knowledge. Moreover, children in kindergartens and some families have instilled primary school knowledge in advance. When I was giving a report in Beihai, Guangxi, a parent said, Professor Zhou, can you introduce a good kindergarten to my children? She said that her four-year-old child had finished learning Chinese in the third grade of primary school. Go to kindergarten. No kindergarten can meet the child's Chinese learning requirements. Go to primary school. The child is too young. Parents force such a young child to have nowhere to go, which is over-education. The kindergarten child has learned all the primary school culture, so he can only receive repeated education in primary school. Can he still listen carefully at that time? Can he be half-hearted? Can children develop good study habits?
As only children, children have many responsibilities. For example, to shine the door lintel, carry on the family line, support parents and realize their own ideals ... Even the pursuit of generations is pinned on one child. The more responsibilities, the higher expectations, so parents worry about their children every day. If children are not well trained, parents will feel that they have no face and no hope. In this case, some families dote on their children, while others are too strict. Please allow me to tell a story: a female middle school student, her parents said that when her child was in primary school, she bought a house next to the primary school to accompany her; When the child goes to junior high school, she buys a house near junior high school to accompany her; The child is in high school, and she buys a house near the high school to accompany her. Since the children went to kindergarten, the mother used Mercedes-Benz 600 to send them to school, and the children never took the bus. Asked the child how many doors the bus has, she said the bus has three doors. Mother sent her to learn English, and when the teacher gave her English lessons, she asked the teacher to tell fairy tales. The teacher said that mom would have a problem, and the child said it didn't matter. Mom listens to me. Parents cultivate their children like this, can children cultivate adults?
Only children are born with growth defects, which is not their own problem. The main reasons are the declining birth rate and the lifestyle of small families. First of all, I want to explain that the family planning policy implemented in China cannot be simply called the one-child policy, because different families have different birth policies. Some people can have a second child under certain circumstances. But in cities, most families are now one child, which we call declining birthrate. At present, the growth problem of the only child is declining birthrate, small family lifestyle and educational transformation, which are interrelated.
Children living in one-child families are lucky, but not necessarily happy. What is the situation in our family now? Parents are anxious all day, worrying about their children's grades, school problems, work problems and friends' problems. It's too difficult. It's not easy to be children. They have been receiving prenatal education since birth. The pressure is beyond their capacity. A 10-year-old child came home and told his mother that life was so hard! I often joke that people have been in their mother's belly for 10 months. Novelties are everywhere after birth, and children are born with a talent for learning. However, in the process of growing up, some children are forced by our families and our schools to stop studying and find life difficult. What kind of education is this? It is difficult to be a parent now, and it is even more difficult to be a child. There's too much pressure. It used to be said that children's schoolbags were too heavy for them to carry. Now some children are dragging suitcases to school, and the burden on them is too heavy.
In fact, our petty spirit only appeared in the last 30 years. Children have no imitators at home, have no chance to communicate with other children, and are prone to make growth mistakes in behavior and language. Children are stressed and lonely, and often don't want to study. If his parents force him to study, he won't communicate with his parents. Children's nature is to want to play. Some children even go to Internet cafes to play games. After a long time, internet addiction came up. Children don't communicate with their parents, and they are tired of learning, thus forming internet addiction. These three problems are the outstanding problems faced by children's healthy growth. Therefore, I have said in different reports that parents must attach great importance to the growth defects of the only child and find ways to break through and create a healthy growth environment for their children.
If we ignore the growth defects of the only child, the first problem is that children can easily miss the critical period of different intellectual development and lose at the starting line. A lot of human intelligence was laid before the age of three. After some children were born, Zhang Sanbao and Li Si Doby had an intelligent foundation for communication and group integration since childhood because they had met different people. If small families do not pay attention to overcoming the defects of the one-child education, some intellectual development will be slow. In this process, some children's intelligence foundation related to group education was not developed in time, which led to learning disabilities later.
The second problem is that if we ignore the growth defects of the only child, the child's personality will be immature and unhealthy. Now some children have moral responsibility and mature and sensitive problems. Some only children have become parents, but they don't know what to do as parents. Some only children care more about themselves than others. If they don't agree with their wishes, they will make noise, run away from home and even commit suicide. I appeal that life education should be included in the important content of family education. Nowadays, college students and even master's doctors jump off buildings if they can't get it right, so it is impossible to prevent them, so that teachers engaged in suicide intervention are very hard. Some university administrators are most worried about students' accidents. After the only child enters the society and establishes a family, the outstanding problem is the lack of love and responsibility. For example, after the only child gets married, the divorce rate is very high. Divorce is a bit unpleasant. After the divorce, I calmed down and regretted it. I feel embarrassed and in a dilemma when I get back on my feet. Some only children have a poor sense of identity with society, organization and family, and their behavior cannot be self-disciplined. Some only children are very picky. We say young people should criticize, but they only criticize others, not themselves. Some only children have entered the society, and their integration ability is particularly poor. Some children dare not go to work after graduation. He thinks that place is not where he lives. Some people have graduated for five years, and lived at home 10 years ago. They don't want to work and dare not enter social life.
Ignoring the growth defects of the only child, the third problem is that it may lead to learning disabilities. Learning disability refers to a kind of learning psychology or behavior with normal intelligence but abnormal learning and poor academic performance. Take attention disorder as an example. Although some problems in attention disorder are still controversial, one topic is particularly clear, that is, children's attention concentration time is related to attention. If children reach a certain age and their concentration time is too short, that is a defect. Another topic is that children of a certain age must have the ability to focus on different things at the same time, and they can all accomplish them. Just like a lady cooking at home, while cooking, listening to her husband quarreling with others in the living room, obviously, both at the same time. If children listen to music and do math homework with headphones on, parents will force them to take them off. In fact, some children can finish their math homework better while listening to music. He has the ability to do two things at once. Because listening to music is the function of the right brain, doing math homework is the function of the left brain, and the left and right brains can be used in coordination. Parents should learn to help their children develop their right brain. Some children study well, do well in exams, have good music and sports, and have the ability to manage and organize activities. Just like Mr. Zhang Ge, they are organized, study economics and law, and teach English well. People are young, have status, rich and have status. And some people at this age can do nothing but take exams, which is largely related to the defect of concentration. For example, a journalism student is very interested in and dedicated to the software major. While studying journalism, he has learned the software professional knowledge well. And a software major student knows nothing but software professional knowledge. Comparatively speaking, this journalism major is definitely more promising than this software major. Nowadays, children have many learning disabilities, such as inattention, fidgeting, dislike of doing homework, bad relationship with classmates, lack of perseverance and poor control. At this time, parents should help their children overcome obstacles instead of simply complaining that their children are not serious and do not work hard. I met such a child, 12 years old. His parents said that he was not serious and didn't work hard. He cried. The child said that I studied hard all day. My mother wronged me. I said why you didn't do well in the exam. He said I would do all the questions, and I didn't know why I made mistakes when I wrote them. I said this is a learning disability problem. If your mother helps you overcome this obstacle, the problem will be solved.
In view of the above problems, I put forward several intervention methods for reference: the first is group education for playmates, and group education should be strengthened from kindergarten. Nowadays, many kindergartens have become cultural and knowledge education institutions, which is the biggest defect of preschool education. Kindergartens are group educational institutions, and Taiwan Province Province and Hongkong do better. Kindergarten is the best place to combine physiological factors with empirical factors. In this respect, the brain science taught by Professor Ming provides us with a good scientific basis. I once gave a report on parent education in a kindergarten in Nanshan, Shenzhen. An old woman talked with the dean. What is this? Last semester, grandma's grandson went to kindergarten here. Next semester, the teacher in the children's class has changed. After school started, her grandson ran out as soon as he entered the kindergarten and didn't want to go to school. Grandma learned that it was because she had changed teachers, so she went to the headmaster to explain why you changed teachers. The director said to ask Professor Zhou to tell you something. I said, will your grandson adapt to society or society adapt to your grandson in the future? She said that it must be the grandson who adapts to society. I said that children can't adapt to another teacher, then how can they adapt to society? For the children's future, the one-child family should create a group education environment to promote the healthy growth of children.
The second is the interaction between home and school, building a good environment and promoting children's experience and experience education. Experience is closely related to healthy growth. If parents can't create conditions to promote their children to transcend the small family environment, it will be difficult to cross the growth defects. I often say in my tutor's report that parents should understand the society, the environment in which teenagers grow up and attach importance to the construction of a good environment. There are many factors that are not conducive to the healthy growth of children in our present environment, including the influence of money, the influence of bad network culture and the disorderly influence of society. Children do not understand, but also rely on the guidance of parents and scientific guidance. However, some parents often ask me: Teacher, why is my child always disobedient? Parents think that obedient children are good children and disobedient children feel bad. This is compulsory education. I think this is bullying. A parent over 30 years old, based on his decades of understanding, wants his 10-year-old child to obey, and 10-year-old child doesn't understand at all. How can he accept and obey? Isn't this bullying? In the face of complex growth environment, parents should bend down to grow up with their children. For another example, surfing the Internet is becoming the basic way for children to learn. Most children want their parents to surf the Internet with them. But according to our survey in Wuhan, less than 25% of parents can meet this requirement of their children. Some parents think that their children are disobedient as long as they see them surfing the Internet, and finally the parent-child relationship becomes rigid. Nowadays, conflicts between teenagers and friends, between teachers and students, and between parents and children are becoming more and more serious, and there are more and more problems in children's education. Therefore, environmental construction plays an important role. The growth environment of teenagers is concentrated in five aspects: family, school, community, friends and mass media, of which the most important is family environment. Generally speaking, what kind of family environment will make what kind of people, and the family education environment needs our careful management.
The third is to develop the right brain and promote the whole brain learning. The theory of brain functional partition only appeared in the last 30 years of last century, and is now being explored and popularized. It is very important to promote whole brain learning, and its main function is to overcome learning obstacles and improve learning ability. Nowadays, children's learning goal is often to finish homework, not to improve the quality of homework. I often ask such a question. I said there is a Tian Zi here. How many words can you see at a glance in this field calligraphy and painting? Some children say four, some say five, some say nine, and I say nine is more like it. I asked who could read Tian Zi's 36 words. Who can read more than 80 words in Tian Zi? A similar problem is to rejuvenate children's brains. Now is the era of innovation, and the competition is fierce. The rule of new talents is to emerge before the age of 30, some at the age of 24, and shine at the age of 30. Just like the teachers in New Oriental, most of them are young and promising. At the age of 40, you will be mobilized to be laid off under high-tech conditions because you lack creativity! Therefore, the brain cannot survive. Nowadays, there are many defects in education, and there are few education that can revitalize the brain. It is often said that college students can't find jobs. In fact, capable college students find good jobs. For example, some undergraduates majoring in software are assigned to high-tech departments because of their strong hands-on ability, and their annual salary in the first year is 1.7 million, while some students majoring in software can't find any positions. Why? Because he only knows exams and knows nothing else. If you study planning, which enterprise doesn't need planning talents now? As long as you have the planning ability, you are sure to find a good job. However, there are not many students in our university who can make professional planning, and some students can't even allocate knowledge resources.
The fourth is shared education. Sharing and humility are prosocial behaviors and important rules in interpersonal communication. A generous and helpful child is often more likable and popular. Therefore, sharing education is usually an indispensable part of family education for only children. Why should children be taught to share? Because the only child needs it
"Cultivate compassion and love", "gain friendship and popularity" and "understand social rules from an early age" … these are the connotations of sharing education.
Now let's talk about the second topic, how to learn parent-child communication.
Second, how to learn parent-child communication
Dear parents, due to the gradual implementation of the policy of late birth and late childbirth, a major problem has emerged in modern families: children enter adolescence, parents are close to menopause, and the overlap of the two periods makes the contradiction between parents and children easy to intensify. Therefore, in the long growing period, how to communicate effectively with children has become the core topic of modern family education.
My motto is: the healthy growth of children lies in parent-child communication.
Why do parents need communication?
This should first answer why human beings need to communicate. The reason why human beings need to communicate is because they don't understand each other, because there is a gap in cognition and conflicts in demand. The purpose of communication is to understand each other and reach a consensus, so as to resolve conflicts and contradictions and achieve harmonious development. For example, between countries, between cities and rural areas, between cadres and the masses, between families, and between husband and wife.
Someone asked me: children are born by themselves, raised by themselves and brought up by themselves. Why don't they understand? Why are there always conflicts and contradictions?
Let's listen to the children's voices together:
There is such a forum for parents of primary school graduates with the theme of "Listen to me from the heart". At the meeting, the whole class poured out their hearts to their parents and other parents.
The students' thoughts are like this:
My parents often urge me to study hard, and I am not ignorant of their good intentions. But sometimes, this invisibly causes great psychological pressure to children. When I learned that I didn't do well in the exam, my mind was full of my parents' sighs and disappointments, so I had to go home in fear. I'm afraid to see my parents accuse and scold me in disgust. Thought: Hey, I'm so bad. The more you do this, the lower your academic performance will be. I don't think parents should give us too much psychological pressure. On the contrary, they should give us more support and encouragement. Without appreciation, there is no education. Why can't parents say "great" with a smile when their children have made progress today compared with yesterday, as "bosom sister" said? Even if the child fails, you should say, "Great, your success has a new starting point."
Another student said, "I am a very introverted child." I don't like to associate with others and I won't tell others what I think. If I am unhappy, I will only tell my little toy orangutan. " It is precisely because of my introverted personality that the gap between me and my parents is getting deeper and deeper. "
From the children's words, we can deeply understand how eager they are to communicate with their parents and how eager their parents are to listen to the truest voice from their hearts.
But as a parent, have you really done it?
Among the 30 pupils surveyed, nearly 90% are eager to communicate with their parents. They want their parents to play games, watch TV or chat with them. They say that they don't communicate much with their parents at ordinary times, because they feel that their parents are always busy and seem to have no time to talk to themselves. Moreover, parents seem to be more concerned about their children's academic performance. As soon as they talk, they just talk about how they studied and how many points they got in the exam. This kind of communication is not worth mentioning. We are eager for more encouragement and to tell our parents what we think, but we seldom have such an opportunity.
Among the 30 parents surveyed, only 8 parents think that communication with their children is adequate. At home, they get along with their children like friends, and they will ask their opinions about things involving them. As long as they are free, they will accompany the children. Not only tell children to take the initiative to compete with others, but also tell them that there will always be winners and losers in the competition, and success comes from failures in repeated attempts. Because only in this way can children understand their parents, and parents will know their children better and let them grow up better and healthier. The rest of the parents ignored the full communication with their children, and even less realized that their children would still have something to say to themselves.
The child's voice tells us that the responsibility of parent-child communication lies with parents.
Why? As we all know, cultivating children's talents is a systematic project, and parents are the managers and implementers of family education. In parent-child communication, parents are the leaders and demonstrators.
In 2003, Wuhan Evening News reporter and Jiang 'an Education Bureau jointly conducted a questionnaire survey on 100 parents of middle school students, and discussed the family education from four aspects: communication, study, health and consumption. I hope these survey results can inspire parents.
What do you want to say to your child most?
95% of parents chose "study hard"; 3% parents want to tell their children to pay attention to their health; 2% of parents said they had nothing to say. Almost all parents hope that their children can go to college, and then go on to study for graduate school and doctor's degree. In their view, only by studying hard can they create a bright future.
A parent's expression is very direct. She wrote seven characters on the questionnaire: books have their own golden houses.
These findings all explain the lack of parent-child communication and the absence of parents in parent-child communication.
So how should parents communicate with their children?
I want to tell parents first: there are four important factors that affect parent-child communication.
1. Parents' knowledge and understanding of children affects parent-child communication.
In this respect, parents don't know their children, and they don't know how to know them.
If you ask your parents: What do your children like best?
Our survey shows that 23% parents don't know what their children like best, and 17% parents generally think that their children like playing best. Other respondents' answers were unconvincing, and most of them answered daily preferences such as reading newspapers, watching TV and shopping. Only about 10% of the answers are paintings and gizmos.
2. Parents' personality cultivation affects parent-child communication.
These include parents' value orientation, personal knowledge and ability and personality quality.
If you ask your parents: What is the way you communicate with your children?
Our survey shows that 88% of parents communicate with their children through heart-to-heart communication; 5% of parents just preach; 4% parents don't talk to their children at all; There are also 3% parents who talk when taking their children shopping. The survey found that some parents' rude behavior of "hitting people if they don't communicate well" will only make their children farther away from their parents; Some people complain that children tell lies and have poor quality, but he just forgets that these problems are "by-products" brought by his rude behavior and frequent reprimanding of children. Parents have obvious role models for their children. Parents' words and deeds, ideas, and cultural qualities influence children all the time. It can be said that we can always find the shadow of parents from our children.
When asked to answer the reasons for poor communication, only 12% of parents said that they often chat with their children like friends; 12% of parents said that they had no patience to communicate with their children because they were impatient. 53% of parents said that there was a generation gap with their children and they could not communicate at all; There are still 23% parents who have not answered.
Parents should pay special attention to:
Poor parents' sense of responsibility affects their children's life. Pay special attention to parents' emotional state and physical health. When parents are in a bad mood or tired, they will inadvertently amplify their children's faults and intensify the contradiction between parents and children.
3. Communication between husband and wife affects parent-child communication.
Generally speaking, the "mode" of communication between children and parents comes from the subtle influence of family communication mode. Silent communication is far more effective than oral communication.
If you teach your children to respect their parents, then the husband (or wife) will be as important to you as the father (or mother) is to your children.
4. Parents' honesty affects parent-child communication.
Reputation is an important condition for communication. Our country is encouraging the establishment of an honest society, and we also need honesty in our communication with children. Many education experts say that parents are the first teachers in children's lives, and children will imitate their parents' every move. So, if you ask your child not to smoke, don't smoke first; When you ask your child to keep his word, you must first keep your promise to your child. If you really can't fulfill your promise to your child, you must also explain the reasons to your child.
According to my research, the key to parent-child communication is to learn to reach mutual recognition in a way that children can accept.
Effective parent-child communication depends on parents overcoming six family obstacles.
1. Parents are family barriers to "internet blindness". A family education survey for children under 17 years old shows that "internet blindness" has affected the communication between parents and children. 70% children want to "surf the Internet" with their parents, but only 20% parents can satisfy their children's wishes. Parents' access to family education knowledge is traditional, with only 3. 1% and 0.7% consulting education experts through the internet or telephone for direct and effective communication. Parents are limited by the level of modern knowledge, which affects the communication with their children. 70% children are willing to operate computers and surf the Internet with their parents. But only 20% of parents can surf the Internet with their children.
2. There are no emotional family barriers. Including separation, divorce, single parent, left behind, mistress, mobility, intergenerational parenting, lack of warmth and other types of families.
3. Family obstacles caused by the lack of family education. The survey shows that 80% families have the problem of lack of tutor. There are four conflicts in today's family education: expectation conflict, protection and doting conflict, communication conflict and evaluation conflict.
4. Ignoring the family obstacles caused by non-intellectual factors. The characteristics of these families are: only study, only talk about grades; After taking the first place in the exam, parents are still not satisfied.
5. Family barriers to dual education. Face-to-face criticism, behind-the-scenes praise and dual education affect moral identity and parent-child consensus, which is easy to cause communication obstacles.
6. Neglect the family barriers of mental health. Psychologists analyze that every child has the following four spiritual needs: the love and care of parents; Be accepted and respected; Get the appreciation of others; Have a place in the family.
Our parents should "discuss more, preach less and approach the inner world of children".
How to approach children's inner world? The key is effective parent-child communication.
I simplify the elements of parent-child communication into a formula for your reference:
Effective parent-child communication = 0. 1.5× words +0.35× role behavior +0.50× activity participation.
This tells us that the key to effective parent-child communication lies not in the number of words, the size of voices and the quality of preaching, but in the role behavior of parents and their participation in children's growth activities. The specific performance can be summarized as ten skills:
Eye contact and caring eyes when speaking; Smile, listen actively and ask questions appropriately; Recognize it in time and praise the behavior you like to see again; The right to say "no" to your child can explain your feelings, but don't blame your child; When encountering problems, discuss with children, practice together and seek consensus; Don't preach too much, just express your own views and affect your child's self-esteem; Participate in children's activities more, give yourself some time alone with your children, and let him feel your attention and concern for him; Give children the right to learn, discuss them together when they encounter difficulties, and guide them to think, instead of telling them the results; Understand and understand children's spiritual needs, and make children responsible for the results of their actions; Respect, sincerity, understanding, tolerance, truthfulness and common growth between parents and children.
Respect, sincerity, understanding, tolerance and truthfulness are the five magic weapons of parent-child communication.