Locke, a great educator, said: "The less parents publicize their children's faults, the more children value their own reputation, so they will be more careful to safeguard others' praise for themselves. "If their parents publicly announce their mistakes and make them feel ashamed, the more they feel that their reputation has been hit, the weaker their awareness of defending their reputation will be." Some people think that American parents respect their children too much, but it turns out that most children who are well respected by their parents are very cooperative with their parents. They are friendly and polite, have no embarrassment when talking to adults, and have a strong sense of self-independence. Child psychologists believe that these are all good responses for children to get due respect.
On the other hand, in China, under the background of relatively scarce educational resources and the national ti system, it is not an easy task to reverse the situation and change the status quo in a short time, although "quality education" as opposed to "exam-oriented education" has become a popular slogan and advertising language for contemporary educational institutions. The times need high-quality civic education, the country needs high-quality citizens, and parents expect their children to jump out of the predicament and strange circle of the existing exam-oriented education.
American children's education rules worth learning.
First, the law of attribution: to ensure that children grow up in a healthy family environment;
This seems to be self-evident. Which parent doesn't want to create a healthy environment for their children? But in fact, it's not entirely true. Some parents have a heart but don't know how to do it. For example, excessive love and obedience to children make children blindly eat, drink and be merry, and do not exercise or work, thus forming unhealthy living habits. Children become lazy or addicted to a hobby (such as video games), and the main culprit is the encouragement of parents.
There are contradictions and frequent quarrels between parents, which is also a very abnormal and unhealthy environment. If parents beat and scold their children, it is even more abuse, which is extremely unfavorable to their physical and mental health. Broken families and long-term separated families make children lack a sense of belonging. If family changes are inevitable, parents should comfort and guide their children in a positive and healthy way, instead of taking extreme measures such as neglect of discipline, doting or being too strict, and they should not take it out on their children because of family breakdown.
Second, the law of hope: always let children see hope;
Parents pin their hopes on their children, but do they always use positive encouraging words to let their children see hope and think that they really have hope? If you are a parent, you like to shout "How can you be so stupid", "So hopeless" and "You are hopeless" to your children. If you think from the standpoint of children, will you see hope?
Everyone knows that Americans are good at saying good things, especially to children. No matter what they do, they often praise them, such as "well done", "great" and "you are a genius" This is to motivate children positively with the law of hope. China's parents have high expectations for their children, but they are not good at using the law of hope. They are fond of finding gaps and finding faults. When the child gets 95 points in the exam, it is necessary to investigate why he dropped 5 points. Such high standards and strict requirements may backfire, killing the hopes of many children and frustrating them.
Third, the law of strength: never compete with children;
Adults are always better than children, whether it is physical strength, intelligence or experience, otherwise it is not free to eat dry food for so many years. Therefore, it is unfair for adults to compete with children, and it is disgraceful to win. Of course, adults can compete with their children in some specific events that they are good at, such as playing chess, but don't aim at winning or losing. Parents, teachers and adults who are closely related to their children should not use anger or hard competition with their children to stimulate them. For children whose psychological feelings are immature, "provocation" is not appropriate.
If children quarrel with adults in anger, no matter who is right or wrong, adults should take the initiative to reconcile with them. Adults should also have the courage to admit their mistakes, especially for children, and apologize in time. If parents don't correct and admit their mistakes and think it is shameful to admit mistakes in front of their children, they will also let their children learn to be opinionated.
Fourth, management rules: before the child is underage, parents have the responsibility to control it;
"If the son doesn't teach, the father makes mistakes" can be seen everywhere. The self-restraint ability of underage children is not yet mature, and parents must take responsibility to control it. But this kind of control should be affectionate, humane, scientific and rational, and children should not be treated as private property to be repaired and manipulated at will. You can't take simple and rude orders, and you don't consider and respect your child's thoughts and personality.
On the other hand, underage children regard their parents as their backers. Reasonable discipline and care will make them feel safe and supportive, and they will turn to their parents for help when they encounter difficulties. If parents usually let their children do everything (school, grades, hobbies, etc. ) too much seems to give them more freedom, but children will feel that their parents "don't care" about themselves and become alienated.
Fifth, the law of sound: listen to their voices;
Treat children equally, give them the right to speak, listen to their voices, and they will say what they really think. If adults don't respect children's ideas and ignore their voices, over time, children will be afraid to tell the truth to their parents and don't like to communicate with them. Moreover, parents are children's teachers and role models. If parents are impatient to listen to children, children will follow suit and refuse to listen to adults, so they don't know how to respect others. For young children, even if they don't express their ideas, adults should talk to them patiently. Any rude interruption or ridicule of their speech will do harm to children, which may affect their expressive ability and make them ashamed to speak in front of others, or on the contrary, let children interrupt at an inappropriate time to attract the attention of adults.
Sixth, the role of role models: the role of role models for children is enormous;
"Lead by example, teach by example" is universally applicable. Parents' behavior is extremely important. Children's upbringing, interests, hobbies, etc. Mostly from the growing environment. Parents, brothers and sisters, relatives and friends, teachers and social relations all have an influence on children. Mothers have an important influence on girls and fathers have an important influence on boys. Incomplete parents or long-term separation between parents and children is obviously unfavorable to the growth of children. More than a dozen rules here can actually be instilled in future generations through words and deeds.
Besides setting an example in the family, we should also pay attention to the influence of social relations and frequent occasions on children, so parents should behave themselves when making friends. For teenagers, peers are more influential than their parents, and what kind of friends they make often determines a person's life path. Parents should also pay attention to the media films their children like to watch and know what their idols are like. If you find that your child has made bad friends by mistake, don't stop going back and forth at will, and know the situation. Children need friendship and are afraid of loneliness. Some children associate with some "marginal children" because they have no friends when they move to a new environment, or because China children are discriminated against by whites. Parents should still thank these "friends" for helping their children solve their loneliness, but it is more important to let their children realize their own advantages and disadvantages and try to influence them positively. In addition, we should find and expand new healthy friendship circles for children. Parents should try their best to get to know their teachers and classmates and encourage their children to participate in healthy activities inside and outside the school.
Seventh, the rule of seeking common ground while reserving differences: respect children's views on the world and try to understand them;
Children and adults often have different views and have many unconventional fantasies. In fact, these are the loveliness of childlike innocence. If adults think that children's ideas are strange, throwing cold water on them will stifle their imagination and curiosity, and they will be disappointed because they can't understand them.
On the other hand, many times, naive children have objective views and dare to tell the truth. Children's words are boundless. It is necessary to combine the "sound method" to encourage children to dare to express and actively affirm their own ideas. Of course, if some ideas are divorced from reality or will cause trouble, we should also explain them patiently. Children with immature thoughts and ways of thinking are often unable to think in many directions and will only continue their own ideas, so they are not considerate of things. Parents should try to understand their children's thinking characteristics, and can take the method of decomposing and simplifying complex things, explaining them in stages or asking for their opinions. Everything related to children, such as moving and transferring, choosing extracurricular activities, taking exams and competitions, should be discussed and explained in front of children. Even if you can't listen to their opinions completely, you should feel that your parents have asked for their opinions. Otherwise, parents' kindness may not be rewarded.
Eight, the law of punishment: this law is easy to make children have rebellious psychology and revenge psychology, and use it with caution;
Simple punishment, especially corporal punishment, is a very negative and clumsy way of education, and it is also uncivilized. Many children who have been punished by violence since childhood will tend to make huge profits when they grow up. Therefore, the use of punishment law is not advocated. But it is not impossible to criticize children, and some punishment can be done in an appropriate way. But the premise is that children must realize that they have done something wrong and are willing to accept punishment, so that they will not commit it again. The punishment should also be reasonable, which can prevent them from doing what they like, for example, they can be punished for not watching TV or playing games online for a few days; But children must never be allowed to eat or stand for hours, and it is even more illegal to beat and scold.
In addition, because even children know that punishment is negative, so never take some positive things that should be done as punishment. For example, punishing children's labor will make them think that labor is a bad thing and produce a sense of disgust. A parent in China thought her little daughter refused to sleep, so she was fined to write 50 Chinese characters or do ten arithmetic problems. Of course, the child was forced to doze off when he was forced to do his homework, so he was sent to sleep. This seems to temporarily achieve the purpose of letting her sleep, but it will make the child take doing homework and sleeping as a punishment. When they do these things, they will feel punished and have a psychological shadow. Can they still like writing Chinese and doing arithmetic in the future? Even sleep will be unbalanced.
Nine, the law of consequences: let children know the possible consequences of their actions;
Sometimes, children get into trouble or want to do something unconventional, and even adults don't understand the consequences and harm, so they accuse or stop it. Of course, it is not convincing. To convince children, parents, teachers and other adults should first think carefully about the cause and effect of everything, and then have a good talk with their children. They can start with the good or bad consequences and explain in turn whether they should do so, so that children will understand.
In fact, the consequences are not all negative. Adults are more experienced than children and should be more predictable. For example, when guiding children to choose hobbies or apply for schools, parents can do some research on the prospects and encourage children to develop according to their own characteristics. However, if you don't think through your own mind and just follow the trend, it is not an effective consequence analysis method, which often delays children.
X. structural rules: teach children to understand the boundaries between morality and law from an early age;
Law is the guarantee of social structure stability. To implement this kind of "structural regulation", I think it is more important for the parents of new immigrants to educate themselves first. Because in a legal society like the United States, it is not too difficult to educate children to do this. Legal education is integrated into social life and school education. Children have been edified in all directions since childhood, and they have a moral bottom line and a legal bottom line in their hearts, which often affects their parents in turn. Some people may think that the United States is very open, but in fact, most Americans will not cross the bottom line in dealing with moral feelings, family responsibilities, sexual behavior and so on. And few people will be corrupt and illegal because they help relatives and friends. Because they have principles in mind, they know that crossing the border is a crime, and they can't break the law in order to accommodate their loved ones.
However, since there is no such strict legal concept in China society, China parents need to check whether their words and deeds have crossed these bottom lines. If they can't set an example for their children to obey the law, then their children will be arrogant and lawless. A China parent once complained that her high school daughter became a "problem girl" who skipped school and ran away from home. When I heard this parent show off her "brilliant achievements" such as how to bring prohibited items into the United States in front of her children, it was not surprising why her children despised the school rules. Many behaviors regarded as "skills" in China are against the legal or moral bottom line in the United States.
Eleven, twenty yards rule: respect children's independent tendency and keep at least twenty yards away from them;
This "twenty yards" is a symbol, which shows that Americans pay attention to cultivating children's independence and leaving psychological space for them since childhood. Parents don't have to revolve around their children. You think they care about them, but children think their parents are too strict. Children should also keep their privacy and have their own initiative and decision-making power. Of course, parents should watch from 20 yards away and be ready to cut in at any time, instead of giving up after running 200 yards or 200 miles away.
Parents should pay attention to the overall aspects of the management and discipline of their children, especially according to their age. Children may need more specific and detailed guidance in their life and study, but they should also be given opportunities to exercise their independence. Children who enter adolescence are most annoyed by their parents' meticulous questions and nagging. Children of this age don't like talking to people, but that doesn't mean they can't hear their parents. Therefore, parents should not repeat this sentence endlessly until they react, which will cause children's disgust. You can tell your child in advance, for better or worse, only once. If you don't listen, it's your own responsibility. Instead of being a nagging parent who is annoyed by "teenagers", it is better to throw caution to the wind and let them delay once or twice in exchange for lessons.
Twelve, four W rules: always know who the child is with (WHO), where he is (where), what he is doing (when), and when he will go home.
Some parents seem to be worried about their children, but they don't know what their children were like at that time. This is not a good parent. Only when the above rules are almost fulfilled, can children tell their parents the truth, and parents can understand these w's. Some parents are willing to pay for sending their children to expensive private boarding schools. In addition to academic considerations, they also believe that private schools with strict management can give children a better growth environment. However, parents should also ask their own motives and entrust their children completely. Do they want to save trouble and put the responsibility of parents on the school? With a reliable school to discipline children, parents don't have to worry about these w's? In fact, the process of educating and cultivating children is also the process of parents' learning and growth. If parents leave their children away from home too early, they will lose such a hard but very interesting life opportunity. Even if the children go to boarding school and have teachers to discipline them, parents should not forget their responsibilities and still keep abreast of these w.
The seven taboos for Americans to educate their children are as follows:
1, exaggerated as "you are the most beautiful girl in the world" and so on. As children grow older, they will gradually recognize that your words are watery, so when they grow up, they will be skeptical about other people's praise. In addition, children who are accustomed to parents' exaggerated praise often can only listen to good words and not negative opinions after entering the society.
2. Personal attacks such as "You are as fat as a pig". No matter how low the intelligence is, children can realize the "malice" contained in such words, and their hearts will be greatly hurt. In addition, children may believe it, give up on themselves, and finally lose self-esteem and self-confidence.
3. Threatening, such as "I'll hit you if you don't do your homework well". This kind of bluff will make children lose their closeness and trust to their parents.
4, as cold as ice, such as "can't you see that I am busy?" The subtext that children hear from these words is that no matter what I do, adults don't treat me as their darling.
5, condescending, such as "don't listen, you have to listen." If parents are always "above", children will be psychologically unbalanced when accepting criticism, so even if you criticize 100% correctly, children will also have verbal dissatisfaction.
6. cynicism, such as "what do you think you can do?" Children, especially young children, are most afraid of being laughed at by their parents. Even though you may have a sense of humor when you say these words, you know, it is really difficult for "little people" to understand them correctly.
7. Absolute negation such as "You always lie". It is true that criticism is also a way to educate children, but if we say "absolute", it may lead to children's rebellious psychology and eventually lead to refusal to accept this critical education.
We can learn from the way American parents educate their children.