This phenomenon is very common in families in China. I believe that most parents in China sometimes yell at their children when they are raising them. Parents should realize the harm of reprimanding as early as possible. Although yelling is an effective way of discipline in the short term, if children are often scolded, they may be affected in social relations, feelings about the world, emotional intelligence and so on, so parents should learn to stop yelling to discipline their children.
In our general concept, parents and elders have a high position in the family, so when disciplining children, parents often appear authoritative and strict. In traditional methods of discipline, beating and cursing are not uncommon, let alone yelling at children. Although more and more parents have gradually realized that stick education should be eliminated by history, there are still many parents who make a hullabaloo about when their children are disobedient. They think yelling won't do any harm to children. But is this really the case? On the contrary. Research shows that yelling does a lot of harm to children.
Parents yelling at their children is the result of many factors. But knowing not to yell is one thing, and doing it is another. Many parents may have realized that the way they treat their children is wrong, but it is not so easy to change.
Roaring is a common phenomenon, but it will also have a negative impact on children's growth.
If you want to stop yelling, the first step is to know what yelling is. Give a typical example: when parents yell, no matter how loud they are, they are generally full of anger and can't control their emotions to some extent. At this time, if they pay attention to their own state, it is not difficult to find that their inner tension will be strengthened, their breathing will become heavy, their heartbeat will begin to accelerate, they will feel hot, their thinking will become unclear and so on. This is shouting. In short, parents' reprimand is mainly to express their anger and let children know that if they dare not obey, the consequences will be very serious. On the contrary, if you communicate with your child in another tone, it is "speak cautiously and firmly", which is an important magic weapon to make your child obey.
What's the difference between these two ways of speaking? For example, a girl was playing with toys before going to school one day, but she just didn't want to get dressed for school. Then her father can say to her in a firm tone, "It's time to get dressed for school. I know you like playing, but there is no time now. If you are late for school, we won't go to the park on weekends. " In this kind of dialogue, tone and attitude are the key.
In the same way, of course, my father can shout it out in a sharp voice and threatening tone. If the father is accusing the child, it is easy to shout angrily; And if he is helping the children tidy up in the morning, it is very important to keep calm. It is conceivable that if the father goes up and makes a hullabaloo about, the child is likely to be frightened or emotionally rebound, then she will be even more disobedient. Even if she is obedient, her mood will get worse or she will feel wronged.
Do you feel the same way after hearing this example? In fact, many times, yelling can't solve the problem. However, we can't completely refuse shouting, because shouting is also necessary under special circumstances, especially in dangerous situations that may cause children to be hurt. For example, if a car comes and the child doesn't see it, it is necessary for parents to shout and let the child stop in time. However, it should be noted that in this case, the parents' reprimand is not to blame the child, but to prevent the child from being hurt. If after yelling, parents yell a few times because they blame their children, then this kind of yelling behind their backs is unnecessary.
What harm does yelling do to children? Most professionals believe that yelling will affect children's positive feelings about themselves and the world, make them feel that everything is negative, and also affect their relationship with their parents and others.
Mona Schur, an American psychologist, believes that if parents' discipline is scolding and ordering, children will easily show aggression psychologically and verbally, such as being more accustomed to solving problems with fierce conflicts. It is also difficult for these children to learn positive social ways, such as cooperation and empathy. Another study also shows that anger accumulated in the family has an impact on children throughout adolescence. Anger will cast a long shadow, which not only has short-term lethality, but also damages children's emotional intelligence and sociality. In short, although yelling is neither a fight nor a curse, it will have a serious negative impact on children's growth.
Every child comes into this world with his own unique temperament. Moreover, a person's temperament is actually very difficult to change. After all, a leopard cannot change his spots. When we expect others to meet our expectations, this expectation is likely to be high and unrealistic, and once the other party fails to meet our expectations, we will be disappointed. Therefore, when parents know that their children have their own unique temperament, they should adjust their expectations accordingly according to their children's characteristics and don't make unrealistic demands on their children. For example, some little girls may be naturally active. If parents force her to be a good girl, it will only increase her troubles in vain and make both parents and children unhappy. In this case, yelling is hard to avoid.
Next, I want to share with you the ABCDE rule of not yelling.
The first step is to ask yourself. Ask yourself how you feel, what negative thoughts you have, and whether you can change these negative thoughts and emotions.
The second step, breathing, is taking a deep breath. When you ask yourself those questions, you should consciously control your breathing. Starting from the abdomen, take three or five slow and easy breaths consciously, and feel your body at the same time, and imagine that every cell is full of oxygen.
The third step is to calm yourself, that is, to calm yourself. Calm your heart with breathing, replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, and communicate with your child after calming down.
The fourth step is to decide what your children need, that is, to determine their needs. Parents should think about their children's personality and age, reflect on whether they have unrealistic expectations for their children, think about what their children need, whether it is a hug or encouragement, and then think about what their actions can tell them.
The fifth step is empathy, which means empathy. This requires parents to put themselves in their shoes, try to feel their children's emotions and thoughts, and tell them that you can understand their feelings.
Looking back, the whole process is to ask yourself, take a deep breath, calm yourself down, decide what your child needs, and feel the same.
This rule of stopping yelling was compiled by ABCDE for convenience of memory, but you don't have to do it in strict order every time. You don't have to expect to remember all the steps once, but as long as you start trying, the later links will naturally unfold during the practice.
To understand this rule easily, give an example.
There is a single mother who lives with her 5-year-old daughter every weekend. Her daughter likes watching TV on weekend mornings, and the mother usually sleeps a little longer in the morning. Once, for some unknown reason, my daughter cried in the early morning and the crying woke up her mother. Mom is very angry. In normal times, this mother may start to growl. But this time she remembered that she could try the ABCDE rule.
She paid attention to her emotions first. She felt angry and nervous. Her daughter's crying is her external cause. But instead of getting angry, she took a few slow breaths and then gave herself some time to calm down. Later, she thought about her daughter's needs and made sure that she needed comfort, because her daughter only lived with herself on weekends, and there might be something inappropriate for her, so she began to cry. Finally, empathy made the mother understand her daughter's thoughts and feelings. She gave her daughter a long hug and said many comforting words. After being comforted by her mother, her daughter stopped crying slowly, and this morning was not destroyed by the roar.
The ABCDE rule of not yelling can help you to take a step back and see the problem clearly, but in fact, the ABCDE rule is more like a temporary code of conduct. In order to better educate children, standardize their behavior, and fundamentally reduce the possibility that children will make you angry because of improper behavior.
Children are a mirror of parents. If you give love and acceptance, children will return with love and gratitude. If you are good at solving problems in a simple and rude way, children will naturally follow suit and be as difficult to control as their parents. Yelling is not education, you should learn to control your emotions.