First, it is difficult to grasp proper limit and proper limit.
Parents discipline their children personally, or are soft-hearted and unwilling to take care of them, which is not enough. Or go too far, too far, too far, too far. In other words, go to extremes.
For example, as the saying goes, "Love is deep and responsibility is urgent." If you love your children, you want them to be excellent and promising. You are very strict with them. No matter big or small, whether it is a matter of principle or not, everything is extremely strict, and you still expect to make your child "perfect."
Jason Wu in the Tang Dynasty said: "Love without knowing its evil, hate without knowing its good." If you love your child, you think that the child is good everywhere, and there are no shortcomings and deficiencies, even if there are, you can't see it; Even if you see it, you will "love me, love my dog". Whether you teach or not, you will indulge. To say that you hate children, you can't see any advantages or strengths of children, and you are picky.
If you want to set your child free, leave him alone. There are no rules at all. When it comes to the discipline of children, there is no freedom and no autonomy at all. If you want to talk about equality with children, there is no boundary with them at all, forming a kind of "brotherly friendship" and "sisterly kindness." Talking about democracy with children, children can say whatever they want, do whatever they want, and parents' words can go in one ear and out the other.
In this case, parents are generally unaware and often emotional. Parents and children are blood relatives and have the same fundamental interests. Family is a closed form of social organization. In the daily life of the family, people feel comfortable and relaxed, talk casually, do things casually and freely, and generally don't pay much attention to discretion and scale.
There is an old saying in China: "The authorities are fascinated, but the bystanders are clear." The metaphor of playing chess is to do one thing, because the parties are in it, and their understanding of the problem is not comprehensive, but they are not as clear as the onlookers.
Parents discipline their children personally, because of the special relationship between educators and educatees, they often can't understand the problem objectively. So it is difficult to grasp proper limit and proper limit.
Second, we must pay attention to the sense of proportion and scale.
No matter what you do, if you want to do it well and achieve the expected results, you must "get it right." "Insufficient temperature" is not enough, and the effect is not good; Too much, too much, too much, too much, the same effect will not be good. This is what is often said: "Too much is too late". The same is true for parents to discipline their children.
For example, it is right to be strict with children, but being too strict will become demanding, make children timid, or cause resentment and conflict. Excessive love for children has turned into doting, which makes children indulge in love, develop bad habits and even go astray. If children are given too much freedom, they will become laissez-faire and do something out of line. If the discipline is too strict, it will restrict the development of children's personality and stifle initiative and creativity. Excessive equality, children don't take their parents seriously, and parents have no prestige. Excessive democracy means extreme democratization, and parents will lose the authority and initiative of education and can't control their children at all. Of course, strictness, love, freedom, discipline and freedom are not enough, and they will become a mere formality with little effect.
Chen Heqin, a famous educator, once specifically discussed this issue. He pointed out that in family education, there are often two kinds of deviations: one is too tolerant, completely ignoring the teaching and letting them do whatever they want. Second, the rules are too strict, and everything must follow his parents' wishes. He believes that "both are out of balance; It cannot be called a good education. " He advocated: "We teach children to be flexible. On the one hand, we give them ample opportunities to develop their automatic ability and sound will. On the other hand, we restrict their freedom and prevent them from walking around at will to avoid infringing on the rights of others. If education can be carried out in such a compromise, no child will benefit from it. " The "compromise" mentioned by Mr. Chen Heqin is to adjust the "over" and "under" and grasp the scale to make it moderate, fair and just.
Educators abroad also attach great importance to this issue. Makarenko, an educator in the former Soviet Union, put forward the idea that mastering proper limit and sense of scale is an important educational principle in family education. He believes that we should adhere to the "golden mean" on issues such as discipline and freedom, enthusiasm and restraint, the relationship between parents and children, kindness and severity, that is, we should master the measure and scale, draw a clear line and handle the relationship well. He earnestly warned his parents: "No matter what kind of education method is adopted, a yardstick is needed. Therefore, we must cultivate appropriate limits on our own. "
To successfully carry out family education, parents should not take the problem of "degree" lightly.
Third, how to discipline children to master the sense of proportion and scale
1 First of all, we must understand the meanings of the two concepts "measurement" and "scale".
What is "discretion"? It is an appropriate boundary for speaking or doing things. What is "scale"? Namely standards and regulations. This refers to the limit, edge and boundary of the range, which can be called "degree" for short. Within a certain range, words and deeds will achieve the expected results; Beyond the scope, the result will go to the opposite side of expectations.
For example, treat guests warmly. But if the enthusiasm is not enough, the guests will feel that the host seems to be less popular; And if you are too enthusiastic, you will feel inexplicably false. For another example, how fast did the athletes begin to master the long-distance running in sports competitions? In the starting stage, you overexert, run too fast and run out of energy. When you sprint, you have no endurance. The starting speed is too slow, although it saves physical strength, but it is too far away from other athletes, and it will be passive when sprinting. As for the final stage of long-distance running, when to start sprinting is also a question of "degree". It is not good to sprint too early or too late.
In short, everything has a "degree" problem, which is directly related to the success or failure of things.
"Measure" and "scale" are quite abstract concepts. Can only "understand", it is difficult to "speak". Hegel, a German philosopher, told a short story in Little Logic, which can help to understand the meaning of "measure" or "scale". He said:
A farmer drives a donkey to the market to buy things. Because of too much stock, the farmer felt sorry for the little donkey, so he let the little donkey carry only part of it and part of it himself.
The farmer drove the donkey home. As the saying goes, the distance is not light. Walking, the farmer felt a little tired. He wants to have a rest before going on his way. As soon as he saw that it was getting late, he transferred some goods from his back to the donkey's back. The little donkey walked briskly as usual.
After a long walk, the farmer felt tired again and transferred the goods on his back to the donkey's back. The donkey is still walking.
Seeing that the sun was going down, the farmer felt that his legs were getting heavier and heavier, so he transferred the goods on his back to the donkey's back. Unexpectedly, as soon as these goods were put on the little donkey, the little donkey suddenly fell to the ground and couldn't stand up anymore. When the farmer unloaded the goods from the donkey for the third time, the donkey immediately stood up again.
The goods that the farmer transferred to the little donkey twice before were within the "tolerance range"; The third transfer of goods pushed the donkey down, and he was able to stand up again after unloading the goods. This "third time" is the limit, edge, boundary, standard, regulation and degree of the load on the donkey.
Educating children should also have "appropriate limits" and "sense of scale", depending on their psychological endurance and behavioral ability. You can't do whatever you want with your parents' temper.
2. Get to know your children better.
To understand children's age characteristics, personality characteristics and gender characteristics, we should proceed from the reality of children, and we should not act only by subjective speculation. Children of different ages have different levels of psychological development, psychological endurance and behavioral ability. The younger they are, the greater the difference. For example, children under one year old vary greatly in one month; The difference between 5-year-old and 6-year-old children is not as obvious as that between 1 year and 1 month. The level of psychological development, psychological endurance and behavioral ability of children of the same age may be very close, but different children will also have differences. This difference is the characteristic that distinguishes children from other children, that is, "personality characteristics." For example, some children are brave and strong, while others are timid and cowardly. Management should be combined with leniency and severity, and the scale should be "suitable for everyone". What other children can bear and accept, your child may not bear and accept. Don't blindly compare with other children. In addition, pay attention to the gender characteristics of children. There are also differences between boys and girls in personality, psychological endurance and behavioral ability. For example, boys tend to be broad-minded and strong, while girls are relatively narrow and fragile. The methods and severity of criticism should be different. We should pay attention to and respect these differences and grasp the "degree" when disciplining.
3, be rational, restrain useless emotional impulses, and don't be emotional when things happen.
"Emotional impulse" refers to doing things rashly without considering the consequences. A psychological phenomenon with strong feelings and weak rational control. "Emotionalization" means acting only on temporary emotions, and not looking at and handling things from a rational perspective.
In the face of children's management education, parents' mastery of proper limit and sense of scale is often influenced and dominated by emotions. Parents' emotions are often influenced and dominated by many factors, such as children's actual performance, parents' mood and situation at that time, parents' love for children, and the relationship between parents and children.
For example, when parents encounter happy things, it is easy to let their children go; When something bothers you, it's easy to go too far in disciplining children. If the child behaves well, it is easy for parents to let go of the child's fault; When children behave badly, parents' attitude towards discipline is easy to be rude. Parents are unwilling to severely criticize particularly attractive children, even if they are wrong; Children who are not very good-looking will occasionally make a little mistake, which may also arouse their parents' "nameless fire" and even find fault. In the "reorganization of the family", whether there is blood relationship may also lead to losses that are too strict or too wide, and so on. Parents should pay special attention.