90% of problem children in the class is a problem family.
Some children are single parents, some parents are neglected, and some parents are full of contradictions.
I know what she means, because from the child's face, you can actually see the traces of family.
What kind of family environment, children will show what kind of behavior.
0 1
Children are a reflection of family relationships.
In family therapy, there is a word called triangle, which refers to the relationship between parents and children.
In general, parents are the foundation of the triangle, and children are the top of the triangle. The relationship between parents determines the stability of family relations.
Children are descendants of their parents, so the instinctive desire is to maintain the integrity of the family and faithfully become the bond between parents.
However, if there is a crisis in the relationship between parents, children will intervene and form a morbid relationship.
For example, in the absence of one parent, in order to stabilize the relationship, children will unconsciously assume the identity of missing persons and take care of their parents.
In this kind of family, children tend to grow up prematurely.
If both parents are there, but the relationship is not good and there are many contradictions, such as frequent quarrels and fights. Then, children will fall into anxiety and fear of family breakdown.
At this time, it is easy for children to lead problems to themselves and become problem children.
02
In order to save the family, the children themselves become a problem.
In the book "Family on Hot Toes", there is a girl named Claudia who has all the performances of a "bad" girl:
Tired of playing truant, staying out at night, making a scene with my mother, often running away from home, and even suicidal.
In the eyes of parents, the daughter has many problems and is almost incurable.
But in the therapist's view, Claudia was only involved in the family triangle and became a victim of the contradiction between her parents.
The quarrel between her and her mother is actually a window to reflect her mother's dissatisfaction with marriage.
And her rebellion often intensifies the contradiction between parents and becomes an outlet for parents to vent their emotions.
Eventually, her running away from home will reunite her parents.
So, when Claudia repeated these behaviors, she didn't realize that she had become a tool to change her parents' relationship.
There are many children like Claudia in life. They will suddenly "get sick", have a headache, have a bad temper, and their academic performance will drop. ...
What they have in common is that their parents' conflicts will end with their problems.
Therefore, when we find that children have abnormal behavior or are particularly rebellious, we should pay attention to whether there is a problem in the family environment.
Psychotherapist Bert Hellinger said: Children are the protectors of the family.
For children, even if they become problem children, they should instinctively keep their families.
03
Family harmony is the key to children's happiness
Children are the test bed of family relations, and children's problems often reflect family problems.
When a child has problems, parents should learn to see the contradictions within the family through superficial behavior and make the child's behavior become positive.
We can start from these three aspects.
1. Make it clear that the relationship between husband and wife is the foundation of the family.
There is a variety show. In the interactive session of the game, a child asked: In the eyes of mom and dad, am I the most important?
Most of the guests at the scene expressed their affirmation, but Fu Seoul gave a negative answer.
For families, the relationship between husband and wife is the key to family stability.
Parent-child relationship, including relationship with family of origin, should not be superior to spouse. Otherwise, it is easy to have problem families and problem children.
Before becoming parents, we must be good partners and form a husband-and-wife alliance, so that families can fight against internal and external contradictions.
2. Family communication is smooth and emotional expression is free.
Every family will have contradictions, and even the perfect relationship will have differences.
Creating a smooth family communication atmosphere is more important than the conflict itself.
For example, when there is a problem between husband and wife, whether it is blaming each other or hiding it, it is just a time bomb.
These repressed emotions will be transmitted to children through expressions and actions, casting a shadow over the whole family.
When problems arise, you may wish to express your true thoughts freely, discuss with each other and discuss solutions together, instead of standing on the opposite side and accusing and complaining.
The same is true between parents and children. Family should be an alliance, not hostility and indifference.
Let the contradiction stagnate, even let the children get involved in the conflict and form a disorderly network of relationships, which is often the root of brewing problems.
3. Respond to each other and create flowing emotions.
A sign of sick families is blindness and blindness: they can't see each other and don't respond.
Husband and wife should be close, but they can't see each other's needs and become the most familiar strangers;
Parent-child relationship should trust each other, but they can't hear each other's voices and become "enemies" who love and hate each other.
In a warm family, emotions are flowing. Even if there is a contradiction, it can be resolved in time and solved in a more rational way.
In such a family environment, children are calm and confident, and can develop themselves better.
Hellinger said: "A healthy family is like a flat ground, and children will grow into tall and straight trees, while a family with problems is like a cliff, and children will grow into grotesque trees."
Children are the most vulnerable when the family environment is sick.
Therefore, if you find that your child's behavior is abnormal, you may wish to test yourself first, and whether there is a problem with family relations.
Keeping a close eye on children's temporary solutions, trying to repair family relationships and creating a warm family atmosphere are the foundation of children's happiness.
Author: An Ge, parents who focus on education and psychology and accompany you when you grow up.