God endowed Gu Ailing with all-round sports talent+ancestral learning hegemony gene, and the same excellent parents accompanied her to grow up as a strong backing. More importantly, Gu Ailing has made great efforts in self-discipline and hard work. It is hard to say whether her mother's education made her a baby or a mother. ...
There are many successful parenting stories in other people's homes. During the Spring Festival holiday, I read a special book-Mother's Repentance Book, which is different from the successful parenting experience shared by many parents. This book is a reflection of a mother.
The author Li Liunan is the principal of a well-known primary school in Seoul, South Korea, and an excellent education expert. She is sought after by countless parents and everyone wants to teach her children. She also has a pair of excellent children who are envied by everyone. Her son is the president of the student union, ranking in the top three in key high schools, and her daughter is also studying in a well-known girls' school.
When everyone is envious of her career and family success, however, from one day on, the son of senior three suddenly refused to go to school, and the daughter of senior two began to skip classes with her brother. Two children who were very obedient and smart refused to study at once, insisted on dropping out of school, ate and slept at home every day, played games and watched TV, regarded their mother as an enemy, and completely refused to communicate ... Li Liunan left such a sentence in the book-"I am a successful teacher, but I am a failed mother."
What's the problem? In her book, I read these revelations:
1
Let children out of the comfort zone of "parents"
Let's first look at a fill-in-the-blank question: the most ignorant parents want to turn their children into _ _; The smartest parents make their lives their children.
Li Liunan's answer is this: the most ignorant parents want to turn their children into "exhibits", and the smartest parents want to make their lives "proud" of their children.
Li Liunan explained that there is nothing wrong with filling in the blanks. It is important that we all consider ourselves "wise" parents. Whenever we encounter some bumps on the road of raising, we unconsciously show "stupidity".
Li Liunan once mentioned that their family motto is-do what parents say.
We can see the shadows of many parents around us from her:
Go home nonstop after work. The first thing to do when you get home is to put your hand on the TV to check the temperature.
After children enter primary school, they plan the "perfect route", conduct various speech training and election planning, and let the children go as planned;
In order to prepare for the senior high school entrance examination, Li Liunan sent her children to a full-time cram school in the suburbs, from 5 am to afternoon12;
Li Liunan deprived her children of their hobbies and could only do as she asked.
……
Under her control, the children became "learning machines" and only thought about learning. Under high pressure, the children's grades are not bad, and they have won many awards, but they are never proud, because all this is "forced".
Through airtight control, I just want to train my child to be a "showman".
Children love to say "whatever", not because TA really doesn't matter, but because they are always "whatever". In normal life, there are too few opportunities for independent choice.
Accustomed to being a controlling parent, children's feelings are increasingly ignored. In the long run, children themselves don't know what they really want to go to, and naturally everything is "casual".
Under the slogan of "for your own good", I ignore my children's choices and talk about letting them learn to be independent, but my heart is full of my own desires. Such a strong desire for control will bring great psychological pressure to children.
Under the long-term pressure, it is easy to cause a big outbreak of children's adolescence, just like a pair of children of Li Liunan, who suddenly became "rebellious students" from "other people's children".
2
Express "needs" to children
Instead of expressing "anger"
Li Liunan mentioned in her book that she often abused her children to vent her emotions and found fault with her son who won the first place:
Adding fuel to the fire for daughters with social fears;
It can be found that she is just expressing her anger, but the children can't understand why her mother has become another person. They are not sure how long this anger will last and when her mother will erupt again.
Please remember to express "needs" to your children, not "anger".
The evolution of the human brain has three parts, from physiology to emotion to thinking. The physiological brain is in charge of basic human functions, such as the sensory system, but it can't control emotions. The second stage is emotional brain, which forms the limbic system of the brain, and the brain stem receives information, thus manipulating people's emotional response. This kind of beginning is unconscious and spontaneous.
The final evolution of the brain is thinking brain, forming cerebral cortex, which enables us to have more advanced abilities, such as analysis, logic and reasoning. But the influence of the limbic system of the brain exceeds that of the cortex, so the influence of the emotional brain is greater than that of the thinking brain.
Usually we vent our emotions before we can calm down and think about problems, just like dealing with children's problems.
The negative emotions in the process of educating children are often caused by improper handling of problems; Controlled by the emotional brain, turning negative emotions into solutions to problems. But there is no way to fundamentally solve the problem by expressing anger to children.
Instead of stabbing your child's heart with derogatory, sarcastic, angry and hurtful words like an enemy, it is better to clearly express your expectations for your child and give support and encouragement.
three
All educational miracles
Let go, trust and wait.
After encountering the desperate situation of children's education, Li Liunan began to reflect on himself. The turning point was that she asked the children again what they wanted to do if they didn't go to school or college.
In the past, she killed the children's interest countless times. She mentioned that her daughter was very good at understanding things with images when she was a child.
If I use "What picture books have you read recently? Let me talk about it; What do you think when you read comics? " Instead of clinging to these "useless things", I think maybe my daughter can develop far in this respect.
Li Liunan learned to play the piano before their two children went to school, and went to piano lessons every day on weekdays. The two children protested to their mother under high pressure: they felt breathless and seemed to throw up.
But Li Liunan insisted that the children had to learn reluctantly. They haven't touched the piano since they graduated from primary school. In fact, my son is very interested in music, but he doesn't like Li Liunan's forced piano lessons. Many times, he proposed to learn drum sets, but Li Liunan refused.
When Li Liunan found out that her son had signed up for a street dance club at school, she found the class teacher and changed her son from a street dance club to a book club. ...
This time, my daughter told her mother that she wanted to bake a cake. Li Liunan supported her idea and sent her to learn baking. On the day of issuing the certificate, my daughter happily said to her mother:
Lying flat at home for a long time, my son said he wanted to learn to play drums, but Li Liunan finally didn't object:
After learning drums for a while, my son got a job as a drummer. He gradually recovered his confidence from the things he liked, and his depression improved a lot.
Li Liunan also reflected on his "controlled education model" and began to change into a "coaching parent".
Controlling parents are like train drivers. The train goes to the designated destination along the set route, and the children get off at the designated place along the track set by their parents.
Tutoring parents is more like a coachman. The destination is decided by passengers, and the route is also decided according to passengers' preferences. They send their children where they want to go according to their wishes. Only when passengers don't know the route will the coachman give advice.
As for later, what happened to Li Liunan's two children?
My daughter overcame her social phobia by learning baking, and later found her goal in life and went to the United States to study psychology. My son also resumed his studies. After graduating from the Department of Literary and Artistic Creation of the University of Arts, I studied philosophy as a graduate student.
Li Liunan said that all educational miracles depend on these six words-letting go, trusting and waiting. I hope I can share it with you!