In this book, he established three pillars of parenting education-unconditional love, sense of value and lifelong growth mentality. When we establish these three pillars, we can accompany our children to grow up easily and happily. Of course, there is also a premise, that is, we must grow up ourselves to help our children grow better.
What is unconditional love?
This book explains it like this:
I believe many parents have told their children this:
"As long as you finish your homework, I'll buy you your favorite toy."
"Stop crying, we don't like you anymore. /Don't make any noise, I'll throw it out for you. "
"If you leave it lying around like this again, believe it or not, I'll throw all your toys into the trash can at once."
……
Do you know that?/You know what? Do you know that?/You know what? If you often say this in front of your children, it is equivalent to saying to your children, "I love you conditionally, and I will love you only if you meet my requirements." And this kind of education is just the opposite of what we want.
Once a friend brought his children to play at home. She had a good time with my children during the day and went to bed early at night. But when I slept until midnight, my friend's child got up and sat there crying. His friend asked him several times, but he didn't answer, just kept crying.
Later, I spilled urine on the bed. The friend got angry and said, "Don't cry, or I'll throw it out for you." If you don't say anything when I ask you, you will know that you are crying. "
Hearing this, the children didn't stop crying, but cried even harder. When I heard the news, my friend had left the child outside the door.
I quickly brought the child in and communicated with him well, but it didn't work. At this time, my friend is still angry and it is not good to say anything to her.
Although I hadn't read the book at that time, I thought it was really a bad way to educate children. In the long run, children will learn to exchange, threaten or intimidate their parents, and even have psychological obstacles in serious cases, and will use the way of hurting themselves or others to achieve their goals.
Therefore, true love does not need to be exchanged, and it will not be mixed with threats. If you love a child, you should give him unconditional love. Some people may say, isn't that unconditional love just doting? Wrong, unconditional love is not doting, doting, no matter what the child does, we will support it and will not impose more restrictions.
For example, if a child goes to fight, as long as he is not injured, we don't care whether it is right or wrong. This is doting. Unconditional love means that when children do something wrong, we should criticize and discipline them, but we must never treat them by beating and cursing, but wait for the two sides to calm down and communicate well.
And tell the child after communication that although I criticized you, I will always love you. In life, we should bravely express our love and appreciation for children, so that children will be more confident and optimistic. So let the children know that they are unconditionally appreciated and accepted.
In this way, no matter what difficulties are encountered, children can survive.
There is a saying in Inferiority and Transcendence:
A child has been looking for two things all his life, one is called "sense of belonging" and the other is called "sense of value"
In the hit drama "Warm Holiday 2", Cheng Man's education method for his daughter Doudou is a very failed one, which is also used by many families.
In the play, Cheng Man's IQ is 140, a well-known investor and a proper strong woman. My daughter Doudou has an average IQ and average academic performance. In Cheng Man's eyes, a daughter is like mud that can't help the wall. Even if top teachers are invited to attend one-on-one classes, Doudou's academic performance is still the same.
Ma rose to junior high school's peas, his English vocabulary was as poor as 3,000, he failed in the Olympic Mathematics, his Chinese was all in a running account, his preface didn't match the latter, and even his Chinese teacher was angry to the point of collapse. At home, I pretend to study hard in front of my mother. Accidentally, I started watching mobile phones, playing games, chasing dramas, and even cutting videos of ghosts and animals.
In front of Doudou, Cheng Man always gives people a sense of arrogance. In the long run, Doudou will have no sense of belonging to this family. However, because Doudou can't meet Cheng Man's requirements in study and hobbies, Cheng Man has been suppressing Doudou with words.
Finally, Doudou formed the concept of "I am stupid and can't do anything well" in his independent consciousness. At this point, Doudou's sense of value has been completely lost. So later, whenever the mother and daughter were tit for tat, Doudou emphasized that I was stupid and an idiot. Please don't bother me.
Even finally said to Cheng Man, as long as you leave me, I will be happy, and I hope we will never meet again. This is the harshest thing to say to a mother. But why is this? It is precisely because Cheng Man neglected two very important things in parenting education: children's sense of belonging and value.
There is a scene in the play where Cheng Man finally bought a house in Shanghai through his own efforts, so at the moment when he moved into a new home with his daughter, Doudou showed a strong sense of happiness, so having his own house gave Doudou a sense of belonging, but when he got along with his mother Cheng Man later, his sense of belonging gradually lost.
On the other hand, the dialogue between Cheng Man and Doudou is negative, which is constantly hitting Doudou's self-esteem. In this way, Doudou's self-esteem will be lower and lower until he finally becomes a person who can't change himself, restrain himself and lead a bad life.
It's like many people always say in front of their children: You see how other children learn so well, they all understand, and you see how you don't understand at all. This is undoubtedly a blow to children's self-esteem. Finally, the child will think, anyway, I am like this in your heart, and it is the same whether I change it or not.
So what we need to do is to improve children's self-esteem, because the higher their self-esteem, the better they can manage themselves. As the children's first teacher, we should ignite the children's sense of value. What should we do?
The simplest thing is to find the bright spot of the child and praise it. Try not to praise them with material things, but give them meaning. When a child does something right, we can say: well done, the significance of this thing lies in ... praising the child not only praises the result, but also praises the spiritual core.
Secondly, we should respect the child, and don't think that he is a child and doesn't understand anything, so we don't take him seriously, which is not conducive to enhancing the child's sense of value. Another point is to teach children self-discipline, but only if we are self-disciplined.
Many times, as long as we use the right method, all problems will be solved; But if you use the wrong method, problems will follow.
This sentence is thought-provoking. In fact, there is another word that is also very appropriate, and that is "example." We should cultivate children's lifelong growth mentality, so we should learn this mentality first, and then guide children to grow up with us. The book says that you can't always have a fixed mentality, but you should cultivate yourself and your children's growth mentality.
If a person has a growing mind, he will feel that every time is an opportunity to learn. Even if he makes a mistake, he will not dwell on the wrong result, but will think about what I have learned from this experience.
Presumably, everyone knows that actor Zhao was born in the countryside, and he is not a college student. He has just studied in a secondary school of Langfang Information Engineering School, majoring in flight attendants. Due to limited family conditions, Zhao earned his own tuition when he was in secondary school, and worked as a promoter, waiter and cashier.
Until 2006, Yahoo Search Star conducted a nationwide selection on its website, which was an opportunity for Zhao, who was 19 years old, and she also seized this opportunity and won the group championship all the way. Although she has entered the entertainment circle, this is only the beginning. For an N-line star like her who has no background, education and resources, it is a pipe dream to become famous in World War I. ..
But she didn't give up, as long as there is a chance to play, whether it is a girl or a sister, she will do her best, just as she said at the beginning:
From then on, Zhao began her walk-on career. 20 13 with the role of Luzhen in The Legend of Luzhen, many people began to understand her, but her black material was slowly turned out. People often say that even the teeth are plugged with water when people are carrying their backs, and Zhao will be blacked out when drinking water, but even more black material can't knock her down.
20 17, China dominated the whole summer, and Zhao, who plays Bai Gujing, became an instant hit. So many years of hard work finally ushered in the dawn of hope. Only "Red" did not win the praise of Zhao, but was attacked by many netizens. The Dior incident made her a target of public criticism, and all kinds of ugly rumors fermented on the Internet.
In the face of these rumors, Zhao Liying just responded in Weibo:
If it were me, I wouldn't last long. However, Mr. Zhao is determined and continues to sharpen his acting skills as always. She was not discouraged when she failed, but also learned from it. Every time she is hacked, it is not a setback for her, but a driving force that makes her more and more upward.
There is no doubt that such a Zhao is a person with a growing mentality. Whether she is a walk-on or a celebrity now, it is her opportunity to learn again and again, and she also grasps it well. She has broken through and grown again and again, and now she has Zhao Xiaodao.
Therefore, parents must cultivate their children to have a growing mentality, because as parents, we all hope that their children can live a relaxed life in the future, instead of living a miserable life all day and thinking about using the law to prove themselves to others.
We also hope that children will not be discouraged when they encounter setbacks, but think that although I failed, I can learn a lot from it and I can improve next time.
Presumably, many parents now have a fixed mentality, so when educating their children, children will inherit this fixed mentality. If they don't change, then children will only follow the old path of their parents in the future. Before reading this book, I had the same mentality. When I encounter setbacks, I will feel a heavy blow and start to stop.
After reading this book, I began to learn to change my thinking. I hope my change can affect my children, so that they can have a growing mentality, continue to study in their later lives and have no worries all their lives.