When did empathy begin to develop? 1? 1.5 years old, there is similar empathy behavior. Then, how old is the child, can you know that other people's emotions are different from your own? Xu Yuting's functional therapist said: "In fact, about 8? 9-month-old babies can generally perceive that adults' expressions and emotions are different from their own; Is it 1? 1 1/2 years old, there will be some helpful behaviors, such as helping my father with cups and slippers than Mommy, which will make my father feel more considerate than Mommy. However, it is not until the child is about 4 years old that he can better understand the emotions and feelings of others, so adults should grasp this stage and help children develop empathy. 」
3? Chen Yanqi, a 6-year-old deputy director of Taipei Parent-child Center, psychological counselor and volunteer teacher of Teacher Zhang Foundation, mentioned that newborn children must be self-centered and not know that others are different from themselves. Therefore, whenever they feel any discomfort, they will immediately want to vent it. When the language is immature, it is usually expressed by crying.
Until 1? At the age of 2, children can generally tell that others' emotions are sometimes different from their own in the same time, space and situation; However, at this time, children's cognitive development may not be able to understand the real reason, nor may they know how to deal with it; It is not until you are about three and a half years old that you can better understand the possible factors through your daily interaction with your parents. So parents are usually advised to wait until their children are 3 years old? At the age of 6, guide them slowly and give them a chance to speculate and think.
What is the difference between "empathy" and "compassion"? Xu Yuting's occupational therapist shared the following examples with us to illustrate:
When the child falls down on the road and cries.
A's mother said, "Come here quickly. Mom, Xiu Xiu, how did you fall? Mom B said, "Mommy knows that you fell, so you must be very painful and sad now. Do you need a hug from your mother? 」
In contrast, Mom B's reaction is to empathize with the child, because Mommy expresses her understanding of the child, tells her current feelings from the child's standpoint, helps her identify her emotions, and finally provides possible solutions (Does Mommy need a hug? ); A mother is more inclined to pass on only the emotional part with her children.
According to Chen Yanqi's consulting psychologist, the so-called "empathy" is to understand each other's needs from their perspective. However, "sympathy" may imply a lot of their own needs, eager to do something for each other, and may miss the opportunity to really be with each other. In other words, "empathy" is more inclined to stand in the same position as the other party, and sometimes it does not necessarily give advice or substantive help; Compassion, on the other hand, tends to look down from a higher place and is sometimes too eager to lend a helping hand.
"In fact, the starting point of both is good, and the boundary between the two is often not so absolute. For example, sometimes we just listen to our friends' complaints carefully, as if we haven't done anything special, but the other party feels empathy and feels more comfortable. Chen Yanqi said with a counselor.
Empathy, can you teach it? Empathy, from nature or acquired? Xu Yuting's functional therapist pointed out that people's basic emotions such as joy, anger, sadness and joy are innate, and "empathy" belongs to the development of high-order complex emotions. Therefore, in addition to congenital factors, it is necessary to rely on accumulated experience and education to develop more maturely. For example, if parents focus on their children's needs in everything, and children lack opportunities to experience or practice at home, then children may be less likely to experience others, have different emotions and needs from themselves, and be less likely to understand others.
Chen Yanqi's consulting psychologist believes that temperament is called "temperament" from a psychological point of view, and every child has its differences. Usually, we will say that every child's innate temperament is different, but there is no difference between good and bad. Congenital temperament may have some influence on the development of empathy, but the most important thing is whether parents' upbringing can adapt to their children's temperament. In other words, temperament will not completely affect the final result of children's behavior, but it will affect the possibility that they have certain personality traits.
Some studies have pointed out that children who grow up with pets show more empathy, mainly because parents have more opportunities for life education during their growth, and they can immediately explain to their children what their pets' reactions are and how to treat them. Therefore, children learn to take care of small animals from an early age and have more opportunities to express empathy.
How to teach children empathy is a life-long treasure. Empathy belongs to moral development? Can we use external norms for education? Some educational schools believe that children can maintain good performance by actively encouraging good behavior, but empathy seems to be related to people's "moral development." If so, can we really educate empathy with the norms of external rewards and punishments? Will it be easy for children not to understand the moral characteristics of their actions and stay at the stage of "what I do because I can bring myself benefits"?
Xu Yuting, a functional therapist who changed "reward" to "encouragement", pointed out that there was an experiment in which children were divided into group A and group B. Group A gave candy after the children helped others, while group B did not give candy specially after the children helped others. The experimental results show that the performance of group A in helping others with extra rewards is less than that of group B.. This experiment shows that material rewards should not be used to cultivate children's empathy or help others, but should be encouraged.
The biggest difference between reward and encouragement is that "reward" is an external "material" as feedback; "Encouragement" is a heartfelt hug, a kiss, and even sincere thanks to the child. For example, when a child helps with something, give the child a kiss and say, "Thank you, you really helped Mommy a lot. Mommy is really happy. In fact, it is such a simple feedback that children can feel how happy it is to help others.
Teaching children the precious "emotional education" of empathy for life is the basis of cultivating children's empathy development. As mentioned above, an important key to the performance and development of empathy is the ability to "identify with other people's emotions"; However, children must learn to "recognize" their own emotional reactions before they can enter the next step and have the ability to "recognize" other people's emotions and then produce emotional resonance; Therefore, emotional education can be said to be the foundation of cultivating children's empathy development!
Grasp the key 4 tricks! Teach children in the same way. Xu Yuting's functional therapist shared the following key principles with us:
Move 1: Help the child to tell his current mood. Take the emotional reaction of children's anger as an example. Mommy can help the child tell his current emotional reaction: "I know you just fell down, so now you feel very angry." The most important thing is to let children learn from it slowly again and again. When they have emotional reactions, they have the ability to detect the causes of emotions and express them through language.
Move 2: If you have a chance, show your child how to express your emotions. "Just now, you help my mother with the cup. Mommy thinks you are really considerate. Mommy is so happy. The child in the park accidentally fell down. He felt very painful and sad, so he cried. Or use different situations in reading picture books to teach children how to express their emotions instead of waiting for things to happen to them.
Move 3: Play the game of playing home wine with children. Most children around the age of 2 are already good at playing the game of playing house wine. Some parents may be curious, why is it related to cultivating empathy? Xu Yuting's functional therapist pointed out that when a child plays a role, he must try to figure out and understand the thoughts and emotions of the role he plays. The more fluently children can speak the dialogue language that belongs to the role, the more they can understand the way of thinking and emotional expression of different roles and positions.
The fourth measure: encourage children to express their emotions. If the first three tricks are enough, the last trick is to encourage children to actually express their emotions. For example, the child said, "I built a building with building blocks myself today, so happy!" This means that he can express his emotions and know why he feels happy. At this time, parents should give timely response and encouragement; Therefore, on weekdays, you can take your child to practice from expressing positive emotions, and then slowly progress to expressing negative emotions. The most important thing is to let children know, understand the causes of their emotions and express them accurately, which is an excellent ability of him.
Teaching children valuable empathy, negative emotions and strong emotions all their lives needs the same reason! Generally speaking, when children are sad or happy, parents are more likely to feel the same way. However, strong emotions such as anger actually need parents' empathy!
When children have any emotions, parents can help them express them Chen Yanqi consulted a psychologist and said that sometimes children will inevitably compete for toys or have conflicts. If parents know that the child is a hitter, their first reaction is often to feel shocked or angry, or to rush over to reprimand or correct the child's misconduct; Chen Yanqi's consulting psychologist reminded: "In fact, at this time, children need their parents' empathy more, and it is also a good opportunity to show their empathy to children. Especially when children are scolded loudly, it is difficult to reason with them. In fact, this is often forgotten by adults. The so-called empathy also includes the "strong emotions" of empathy children. Anger is a strong emotion. 」
Parents should calm themselves down first. What can families do when children have conflicts with other children and have negative emotional reactions? Chen Yanqi consulted a psychologist and said, you can try to say this to your child first: "Are you crying because you feel angry and unhappy because you can't play with toys anymore?" The first step is to help children sort out the causes of emotions and face up to their current feelings. Only by giving children more flexible empathy experiences, rather than language that sounds like intimidation or scolding, can children learn true empathy.
"Being the same with children" does not mean "agreeing" with children's bad behavior. Some parents may be confused: "What? My child did something wrong. He started hitting people. Why should I feel the same way about him? If he doesn't correct it loudly, won't he get worse and worse because of this? Chen Yanqi consulted a psychologist and further explained that when a child hits someone, parents usually feel angry and surprised at the first time and can't help but blame the child. This is also human nature; However, if you can do the same as the demonstration at this time, the child can really learn. You can say to your child, "Did you feel angry just now? So you hit other kids? If you are really angry, you can come to your mother and we can work it out together. Beating people will make others feel hurt and uncomfortable, which is a bad behavior. Mommy doesn't want you to hit people when you are angry. The most important thing is to let the child know that parents are willing to empathize with him, take care of his emotions, and are willing to work with him to solve problems, but he will never agree with his bad behavior!
Say it in the same language! When children are found to have physical conflicts with other children:
Did you just feel angry? So you hit other kids? If you are really angry, you can come to your mother and we can work it out together. Hitting people will hurt others, which is a bad behavior. Mommy doesn't want you to hit people when you are angry. NG→ loudly reprimanded: "How can you be so bad! How can you hit someone? Apologize to others quickly! 」
Xu Yuting, a functional therapist, also said that if you want to educate your child immediately and want him to learn immediately when his emotions come, most of the time it won't work, because when his emotions come, he also needs an outlet and a way to vent. Parents can tell their children: "Mommy knows that you are angry and crying now, and Mommy will wait until you cry before telling Mommy what just happened." Accompany your child through the emotional peak. If necessary, you can also take the child away from the place that causes his emotions and let the emotional intensity of the child slowly drop. After the child's emotional intensity drops, you can discuss it with your child. Only then can communication education be effective.
In order to teach children valuable empathy for life, parents must think about "the behavior event itself"
Situation: Mommy has been educating children to stand in the bus seat when going out to get it, and be sure to take off their shoes, because there are others sitting behind the seat, and no one likes to sit in a dirty chair. However, the children are getting older and older, and now they are over 2 years old. I often see children younger than him or about the same age standing on the seats of MRT and buses, without taking off their shoes, trampling on them and looking out of the window. Children often look at their mommy doubtfully, or ask her, "Why do other children (behave differently from others) have to abide by the norms given by their mommy?" 」
Xu Yuting, a functional therapist, said that when a child reaches the age of 2, there are often a million whys in his heart. Sometimes, in addition to dispelling his doubts, he will also test whether the upbringing of adults is consistent. When a child asks a question, the first thing parents should do is to pull the child back to think about the "behavior event itself", that is, to focus on clearly explaining why it can't be done and return to the behavior itself to think and respond to the child.
When the child says, "Then why can everyone else (do the bad behavior that Mommy says) and I can't?" Mommy can try to respond in the following two ways:
Coping style 1: You can divert your child's attention first, don't rush to the current education, put the situation aside first, for example, it's okay to take the MRT with your child, and then use this time to discuss with your child when you get home.
Response 2: Try to say, "Well, mom also saw other children do it, but maybe he forgot, maybe his father didn't tell him it was so bad, so would you like to clean the dirty chair with toilet paper later?" 」
Teach your children precious empathy all their lives. Be careful! Don't let the upbringing of children become a fair fight between adults.
Situation: A mother mentioned that she has been educating her children to queue up to play with toys or large-scale amusement facilities in parks or parent-child halls, because every child has the right to use toys or large-scale amusement facilities in public places, and no one likes to be occupied by others in turn when using them, so as to educate children to understand empathy; However, when children obediently obey the rules, they meet children who jump the queue to play. The other parents obviously don't want to get involved in the on-site discipline treatment, but they still bow their heads and play with their mobile phones. What should they do at this time?
Chen Yanqi's consulting psychologist reminded that when similar situations happen, many parents often unconsciously focus on other people's mistakes and feel angry at other parents' staying out of it. They are eager to stand up for their children or fight for fairness and right and wrong. It is easy to refute for the sake of rebuttal, but they completely ignore their confusion and emotions!
In fact, instead of being angry or complaining to other parents, it is better to focus on the children first, which is to set an example to let the children know what empathy is; Don't casually say to children, "that's because we have empathy, but those people don't!" This aggressive and critical language is neither educational nor understandable to children.
Chen Yanqi consulted a psychologist and suggested that parents can try the following treatment steps:
Step 1: The same is true for children's current frustration and unfairness. "You think the team is so angry, right?" ""Do you think it's a little unfair for mom to just ask you like this and ignore them? Guide children to perceive their emotions and understand the reasons for their emotions.
Step 2: Take the children to think about why others don't follow the rules. "Is it possible that they don't know? Forget it. Use the opportunity to guide children to understand that many times others may have different reactions and make different choices even if they are in the same situation as themselves.
Step 3: Guide children to think about solutions together. "Do you think it's better now? Wait until the child's emotions are expressed, calm down, and then talk about cognition and education. You can provide solutions for children's reference or think about solutions with children and listen to their thoughts.
Step 4: Guide the child to think about the positive experience he had. When the child is still obsessed with unfairness, you can try to tell the child about the positive experience of taking him to the park or other places before. "Mommy remembers that when I took you to the park next to grandma's house, every child lined up to play the slide. Did everyone have a good time that time? 」
Teach children precious empathy all their lives and think about the purpose behind their actions.
Situation: if mommy hears children joking with each other, or comes home from kindergarten and says XXX is fat, smelly and dirty, XXX is ugly and has small eyes, etc. Mommy tried to lead and said, "Would you be sad if others said that about you?" But the child replied, "but everyone will always say XXX together!" " But XXX is ugly and has big eyes. Everyone says I'm cute, but I'm not ugly! Mommy is worried that the child will have deviant behavior that cannot empathize with others. What should I do?
Xu Yuting's functional therapist suggested that parents might as well try to think about what is the purpose behind their children's behavior. Sometimes the purpose behind what children say or do may be simply for fun, and it is not as "evil" as adults think. Taking the above situation as an example, perhaps children want to win the recognition of their peers, and the most important thing for parents is to stabilize their emotions first.
The following guidance methods are provided for parents' reference:
Guide point 1: Have the right to express likes and dislikes but should not hurt others. "You don't like XXX, but don't attack people's looks, saying they are fat, ugly and have small eyes. 」
Guiding point 2: Guide children to practice observing the advantages of others. "But, mommy thinks that every time I see XXX, he will laugh and take the initiative to say hello to mommy. Mommy thinks he is very polite! Let children see different aspects of observation and other characteristics of their classmates, and then love and help their classmates.
Guiding point 3: Guide children to think in a humorous way. If you use words to express: "If you are XXX, would you like it and be comfortable to hear others say that about you?" If the child doesn't seem to understand, Xu Yuting's functional therapist suggests that you try to exaggerate in front of the child: "Ha ha ha, your hair (referring to your child) is so ugly today! Children are usually shocked when they see adults' exaggerated performances. This is also a strategy to induce children's empathy, so that children can stop and really think about how they feel when they hear the same words. Think about whether your behavior or language is appropriate.
Guiding point 4: Parents and kindergarten teachers form an alliance. Parents and teachers are advised to maintain good interaction. Many times, parents and teachers will observe different points. If the child really mentioned the above situation, parents can also reflect to the teacher to further clarify why the child has those reactions and statements.
After the age of 3, you can explain to your child in more complicated language. Xu Yuting's occupational therapist reminds: for preschool children, there are different communication methods at different ages. Children before the age of 3 use simpler and clearer sentences, which is easy for them to understand; For children over 3 years old, because their understanding and oral expression skills are more complete, parents can explain them more deeply.
Parents' first reaction can express their feelings instead of criticizing their children. Chen Yanqi consulted a psychologist and said that when the above situation happened, Mommy's first sentence could respond: "Mommy was surprised to hear you say that. Mommy thinks XXX is so cute. If XXX knows that everyone says so about him, will it be very sad? " It not only provides children with another way of thinking, but also prevents them from hearing mommy's response as an accusation: "You bad boy, you can't say that about others!" Because the language of accusation often makes children erect their arms, it is easier to stick to their own opinions or have more arguments with their parents, and lose the opportunity to reflect and learn.
Parenting precautions: parents should not deny their emotions. Chen Yanqi consulted a psychologist to remind them that sometimes parents really can't control their emotions, and they will scold their children loudly, and then say to them, "I'm not angry, I'm teaching you how to be polite! How to empathize with others! In fact, parents must first be able to perceive and distinguish their children's emotions and know the causes of their emotions, so as to guide their children to perceive their own emotions. If you are really emotional, you can understand and calmly explain: "Mommy is angry now, but it is because I warned you before that you promised Mommy, but you still promised, so Mommy will feel unhappy. If parents always deny their emotions every time, children will be confused and easily frustrated, and it is difficult to really learn to understand emotions.
Teaching children precious empathy all their lives, is the kindness of others necessarily the same? Situation: A child takes his favorite toy or candy to give to B child, but B child really doesn't like it and doesn't think it is necessary. He politely refused a child, but a child cried for land and even hated child B, complaining to his mommy (Mommy A). A mother was more excited than a child when she knew it: "My little baby took the initiative to share her favorite ball, favorite toy and favorite food. Doesn't he know that my little baby will be depressed and sad? Why didn't his parents teach him well, so they didn't know how to empathize with others? What's more, I angrily asked Mommy B for a theory, thinking how could Child B be so ignorant of other people's goodness?
Children need to learn how to accept others' rejection, lack frustration tolerance, and can't accept others' sayingno. Xu Yuting's functional therapist believes that the above situation shows that Child A has no ability to accept setbacks and lacks the ability to think flexibly. In fact, it also depends on whether parents can maintain flexibility, because most parents will feel that this is a good behavior when they see their children love to share, so they will give a very positive response and even take the initiative to encourage them almost every time.
How to cultivate children's frustration tolerance? On weekdays, children should be given the opportunity to understand what rejection is from familiar family members. Others have the right to have different preferences and habits from themselves, and they also have the right to refuse themselves, so that children will not have extreme emotions when they encounter peer rejection outside; Parents can deliberately create more opportunities for their children to practice at home and do more "situational questions" for their children. For example, when children take their favorite food at home and want to share it, they don't always have to respond "Wow, it's delicious, thank you, baby! Occasionally, you can say politely, "thank you very much, dear, but mom is not hungry now." Then take the opportunity to communicate with children repeatedly, and children will begin to understand that it is not their own "kindness" and others must accept it.
Spend a lifetime teaching children precious empathy and take the opportunity to guide children to observe other people's emotional reactions for education. If Mommy A really takes the child to theory, Mommy B can say to the child in front of him, "Look, he seems really sad because of your refusal. Do you want to take it first? The main purpose is to take the opportunity to help children observe other people's reactions and emotional expressions; At the same time, I said to A's children in front of A's mother, "Thank you very much for sharing. Our brother is really not hungry (or doesn't like it), but he saw you crying so sadly, so he took it first this time. In this way, it is equivalent to educating a mother and two children.
Let children have the ability to adjust flexibly in advance, so that children are psychologically prepared. In addition, parents can practice with their children in advance. For example, they made an appointment to take him to the children's playground this Saturday. Before proposing this plan with your child, you can remind your child in advance: "But what if it rains heavily on Saturday?" Give children a chance to think about whether there are other flexible activities that can be replaced.
Xu Yuting's current position: itinerant functional therapist in Taichung school system. Education background: Department of Functional Therapy, Chang Gung University School of Medicine. Experience: passed the Advanced Examination of National Examination Institute, lectured at Taipei and Yunlin Family Support Center, lectured at the nanny system in Taoyuan County, concurrently lectured at Sun Yat-sen Medical College and Fu Ying University of Science and Technology, and personally lectured at all levels of primary schools and kindergartens in Taichung and Changhua.
Chen Yanqi's current position: Deputy Director of Parent-child Home of Teacher Zhang Foundation and Counseling Psychologist. Teacher Zhang's education: Master's experience: consulting psychologist of liberta Z Education Foundation, special consulting psychologist of Taiwan Province Integrated Circuit Manufacturing Co., Ltd., and psychiatric social worker of Songde Campus of Taipei United Hospital.