After reading "The Awakening of Parents" and getting this book, I carefully read "Authoritative Recommendation of Professional Media". One sentence "Don't expect to be a perfect parent" is deeply imprinted in my mind. Yes, in front of children, we all think we are perfect and impeccable parents. "Our views, expectations, authority and control over children" is nothing more than cultivating a "mini version" of ourselves. Even if we have the best intentions and want to encourage our children to be true to themselves, many times we will fall into stereotypes and inadvertently impose our plans on our children.
I need to wake up, I need to change, I need to study the essence of this book.
In the first chapter, the word "conceit" runs through the whole text. At first, I understood the word "conceit" as meaning "conceit". After reading a whole chapter, I realized that the "conceit" put forward by the author is an artificial self-feeling, which is mainly formed based on other people's views. This is an inflated sense of self that borders on vanity.
Looking back on my education in recent years, do I have this kind of "conceit"? The answer is yes. When I was in kindergarten, I expected him to be independent and dress, eat and go to the toilet by himself. However, for Xiao Ran, whose practical ability is a little poor, her mother's "expectation" is a great pressure. I often blame him for delaying school time because he can't wear clothes, use chopsticks or pee his pants. In preschool, when he learned addition and subtraction in 20 minutes, he was confused and couldn't finish his homework, so I criticized him for not paying attention in class. In the first semester of senior one, I often blamed his poor handwriting.
Looking back on all this now, I made a fatal mistake, that is, I "projected" my views and expectations on Xiao Ran, and I imposed my plan on my children, but I didn't realize that imposing my thoughts on Xiao Ran was actually a mental bondage to him. As parents, "the first thing we should strive to do is to let children enjoy their rights and let them live under their own destiny." This is the true reflection of their personality spirit! "
"The Awakening of Parents" has given me new strength and direction, and let me continue to move forward and practice on the road of how to be a parent.
The most important truth in the second reading of The Awakening of Parents is actually very simple, that is, if you don't wake up, the harm your parents did to you in childhood will enter your subconscious and make you lose your true self. Then when you have children, these injuries will reappear in the process of raising. Because once your child's behavior unfortunately touches your pain point, you will involuntarily hurt your child with uncontrollable emotions. In fact, it is not the child itself that hurts you, but your own hidden pain. For example, if your child's procrastination will make you furious, then you'd better check if you are a procrastinator. If so, you should realize that what you really can't stand is not children, but people you dare not face. In this way, you should know that children's procrastination needs to be corrected, but you can correct it neutrally and fairly, and don't take it out on children-of course, you have to correct your procrastination. Your anger will only hurt your children. If children don't wake up like adults, these pains will be passed down from generation to generation.
In fact, subconscious harm will not only hurt children, but also hurt our husband and wife and spouses before that. But because children are young and helpless, they are often more vulnerable to being pushed around and hurt than adults. But to put it another way, if we know the awakening in time, we can actually start self-healing in the intimate relationship with couples and spouses before the arrival of the children, because we and our partners come from different families. If our pain points are just different, it would be great if we could heal each other's wounds through communication and complementarity. However, sometimes this is not the case. Maybe the baby was born before you woke up, maybe you and the other person have almost the same pain points, maybe your spouse has helped you heal a part of the knot, but the deeper part is still hidden in your heart until the baby is born. At this time, we need children's help to heal our wounds, because the newborn child is a blank sheet of paper. They are the most primitive and authentic. Through this purest mirror, we can also find our truest self through hard awakening.
The specific way to find the true self through children is somewhat similar to what we often say about "respecting children", but it is actually different. "Respect for children" means that we hold the authority of parents and consciously give children some space to develop themselves; In the book, "awakening" refers to completely letting children develop freely on the spiritual level. Parents only observe and accompany, but do not guide their children authoritatively. Please don't misunderstand me. Free development here refers to the spiritual level. If the child's specific behavior is deviated, then parents must correct it in time. For example, if your child bullies other children, such as stealing things and not going to bed on time, then you must immediately show the authority of your parents and stop it immediately. When facing the choice of hobbies, majors, beliefs and partners, you should believe in the authenticity of children, believe that they will choose the best, don't let them lose their true selves, and find their truth through observation, thus forming the awakening and benign interaction between parents and children.
In fact, in my opinion, the choice of major, belief and partner can be gradually guided from an early age. You can tell your children in junior high school what each major is about, what are the requirements for learners, what you can do in the future, where the future is, where you can transfer if you transfer, and so on. As for the choice of partner, during his adolescence, you can observe his relatives and friends and see what their relationship is like, and then tell your child why some people are happy, some people can only part ways, while others are inseparable, so that at least the child will not be cheated when he gets married. As for religions, of course, you can also tell him their advantages and disadvantages, and then let him make his own choice.
"The degree to which we accept children is directly proportional to the degree to which we accept ourselves", and accepting children means accepting ourselves. Playing tricks on children is actually playing tricks on yourself. How to treat children's mistakes is actually our response to our own mistakes.
As the author points out, whether we are conceited about our "image, perfectionism, identity, norms, and desire for control", or facing the challenges of our children's "infancy" and "terrible two years old" and junior and senior high schools, parents' awakening can shift their eyes from external concerns and demands to inner peace and strength.
Reality is reality. For better or worse. There is no such thing as "luck" or "misfortune", "all situations in life are providing conditions for spiritual evolution".
"Life is to experience, not to fight and escape."
When we can go beyond the "doing something" lifestyle and parenting style, when we are not too busy to know what to do, when we are not obsessed with "how to live", the truth of life will gradually surface, and we will enjoy and feel the happiness of the moment with our children.
And children, children with strong inner and spiritual motivation, will eventually find their true self.
Aware of this section, as the author said, the coping strategies in the second half of this book are not important. Mahayana first, take it at will.
The moment parents wake up, the peace of being with their children in harmony begins at all times.
After reading "The Awakening of Parents", I learned from this article that the book "The Awakening of Parents" is aimed at what parents should do to become excellent parents in family education. The book is all about what parents should do in family education, that is, to awaken parents to establish an idea that family education is not aimed at children, but at parents. When it comes to family education, many parents have a misunderstanding: how do parents take various measures to educate their children and make them become talents? Indeed, children need education in family education, but parents should be sober-parents need education more in family education! There is an old saying that "children don't have to worry about it, they all rely on their own moral sense."
Our ancestors have long understood that children's education is not parents' preaching to children, but refers to the intangible influence of parents' words and deeds on children. In other words, parents should be role models for their children, always be themselves everywhere, and think about the influence of their words and deeds on their children. Some experts say: "First-class parents are role models, second-rate parents are coaches, and third-rate parents are nannies". It can be seen that the power of example is infinite. What kind of person do parents want their children to be? What kind of people do they cultivate themselves first? Children don't listen to what you say, but watch what you do. Parents are originals and children are copies.
Parents need to wake up, not only to be role models for their children, but also to learn to let go from time to time. Let children live what they want to be, not what their parents want to be.
Many parents care about their children, love them, do everything for them, and don't let them do anything, which leads to "a kind of coldness makes their mothers feel cold", which makes them lose themselves and become a living vegetable without hands, feet, mouth, self-confidence, ability and thoughts. Become insensitive, even inhuman. At this time, parents complain about their children in turn. This can't be done, that can't be done, and even labeling children. "Idiot, waste …" and other words that hurt children's self-esteem are posted on children, and some children silently bear the accusations and complaints of their parents; Some children show various problems and become problem children, which makes teachers have a headache and parents suffer. Therefore, parents should wake up and learn to let go, especially in the family, treat their children as a member of the family, let them learn to undertake housework, and cultivate their self-confidence and sense of responsibility in the process of undertaking housework. Give the child a chance to do what he wants, push the child to the front, and parents will follow. When children encounter difficulties, parents will encourage and help them in time, not instead.
Parents need to wake up. Children are independent individuals and need their parents' care and respect. As parents, we should understand that only by cultivating children's self-esteem can children become real people. Because children with self-esteem have shame, only with shame can they have awe. Is a person afraid of doing bad things with awe? Afraid he won't be an adult or a gentleman in the future? Therefore, parents' words and deeds to their children must be based on respect for their children. Instead of beating if you want, scolding if you want, regardless of your child's own feelings, how can such parents cultivate their children's conscience? Therefore, parents need to wake up, constantly learn and cultivate themselves, improve their literacy, drive their children's changes with their own changes, awaken their children's hearts with their own souls, and awaken their children's souls with their own souls.
Parents need to wake up and learn to accept their children unconditionally and love them unconditionally. Every child will encounter such and such problems when growing up. Parents can't love their children just because they are my children. If they have problems, they are not my children. Parents will hate him and dislike him. Parents should understand that children choose us as parents to wake us up in some ways. Parents should understand that children's problems are parents' problems. Only when parents find their own problems and correct them will children change. "I am the root of everything, and love is the end of everything." All children's problems can be solved through love. If the child's problem can't be solved, it means that parents don't understand the child, which is not what the child needs. If children can't get the love of their parents, children without love will have various problems. There are no standard parents and no standard children in the world. Therefore, parents should have a pair of eyes that are good at observing and discovering, a wise brain, discover the characteristics of children in time, teach children in accordance with their aptitude, and give them what they need, not what parents want.
Parents need to wake up. When children come to their parents, they need their parents' company to make them feel safe. Companionship is the best love for children. Parents should, like "walking with snails", accompany their children to enjoy the beautiful scenery on the roadside with a leisurely and quiet heart. On the road of children's growth, parents constantly applaud, praise, appreciate and encourage their children, give them confidence and motivation, constantly enrich and strengthen their own hearts, and gradually become strong in life. Is the child trained in this way still afraid of being bad?
All of the above require parents' awakening. As parents, we have no training and certificate. However, if we want to wake up, we need to keep learning how to be a good parent. On the road of children's life, we should not only create rich material conditions for children, but also enrich our spiritual world through continuous training, be the spiritual leader of children, be an example of children's life, and lead children to grow up healthily.
After reading The Awakening of Parents, I always want to find a breakthrough in how to get along with children, but the more I pay attention to it, the more often it backfires. 165438+1October 17, the garden organized a reading party-The Awakening of Parents, only the first two chapters shocked my heart! Let my impetuous heart become calm, this is a magical book! What is "conceit"? I want to find the answer in this book.
"The process of raising children is like walking a tightrope. One wrong step will break a small heart; Similarly, an appropriate encouragement can make them hold their heads high. " I found the true meaning of this sentence in my relationship with my daughter. In my eyes, a small thing is to give some encouragement, and my daughter will finish quickly and well, but if I was emotional and impatient at that time, then she would be influenced by me. One day, after dinner, I accompanied my daughter to do her homework. The addition and subtraction within 10 can be calculated by looking at the picture. She was not serious and made two mistakes. I tried to control my emotions and encouraged her to look at the questions carefully and calculate them carefully. Soon I found two mistakes. It can be seen that my positive eyes and warm hug gave her great confidence!
"Children will only be loyal to their own self-role. He doesn't care what our parents are worried about." When I asked her to finish her homework, practice dancing and complete every task assigned by the piano teacher, did she ever wonder if my daughter liked these various roles? But often when she completes a "task", what she expects is my feedback and my affirmation.
However, when I went to see something that was easy to do with emotion, she made a mess. When I was about to explode, she looked at me timidly, but what could have been completed could not be completed. Therefore, as the book says, the child is generous and can accept any emotion of mine, and my mistakes can be tolerated and forgiven in the eyes of the child. On the other hand, why can't I tolerate the so-called mistakes of my children?
There are too many thorns on the way to raising children. You may be bruised all over when you stab them, but after you stab them, it is not the blue sky!
After reading "The Awakening of Parents", 5 "Parents first try to let their children enjoy their rights and let them live in their own tracks; If parents want to be close to their children, they must abandon their sense of superiority; Children don't need parents' opinions, expectations, authority and control. What parents need to do is to adjust their body and mind and live in harmony with their children all the time. "-the awakening of parents"
Every word, every meaning deeply touched my heart and shocked my heart. As a new generation of parents, they think they are more focused on their children's education, understand the interaction between parents and children, and are more willing to emphasize respect and equality than our parents. However, after reading this book, I woke up according to the author's advice to my parents, only to find that as an ordinary person, I was born in that era. In the process of my own growth, I unconsciously inherited the family culture, carried the genes of family members, and shaped my present self (this is the ID). But because of my study and growth in school, society, work and life, I have hidden a lot of me I don't know while changing my personality. Therefore, awakening is to discover and find the subconscious self, let the subconscious go to the front desk, and bravely face and improve itself. It is not only the foundation for our growth as parents, but also the guarantee for our children to find themselves.
The author, Dr. Sabari, combined his years of psychological research experience and years of parent-child cases, first emphasized that parents should find themselves psychologically in order to truly feel and respect their children; Tracing back to the parents' feelings, we can establish deep feelings with our children, raise them on the basis of respect and equality, and achieve ourselves.
I. "Control" and "Acceptance"
"Once we begin to pursue the interaction between young people and old people, we will feel that no matter how we realize our intentions, our old model will still appear in the past." "Awakening" means keeping a clear head and stable emotions about what happened and experienced between us and our children, and accepting and responding according to the true nature of reality, rather than trying to control and change.
Looking back on our own growth path, and then looking at the growth of children all the way, we used to be babies embraced by our parents, naive, innocent, lovely and dependent on adults; Later, they took the calf to explore the real world and wanted to know why; Finally, I left my parents, went to school and society, and gradually formed my own personality and self ... My parents witnessed the growth and changes of my children. Once upon a time, my parents shed tears for their children's first father or mother, were excited about their children's first step in life, were too excited to sleep at night for their children's first reward, and were ecstatic about their children's wish to enter the ideal middle school. ...
But in the more realistic life and children's growth, there will inevitably be more dissatisfaction and disappointment, especially when their planned growth path is far from the track: he or she is crying in front of friends because of dissatisfaction; He or she abandons homework and indulges in games or TV screens; When his or her parents were called to school because he or she didn't concentrate on class or skipped class ... On the other hand, when we were faced with work pressure and a busier life, we were exhausted, so we squeezed home all the way and tried to prepare dinner, but the children threw food all over the floor while playing. ...
How many times have we been able to manage our emotions and tell ourselves with an awakening mentality that I am not a victim of "why life makes me so unlucky", but a survivor of "how to make use of these misfortunes to make me develop better", so that I can find the power of self-awakening in adjusting my attitude towards life that determines my fate. How to give up vanity and control desire to influence and change children, but to better accept and accept a child's nature, in a positive and "awakening" way, this is the beginning of real education. Because parents can only help their children grow up if they settle down physically and mentally.
Finally, I found an academic reason to comfort myself: I should learn to treat and accept children's good and bad with a normal heart at all times, without having to control children to act according to their own plans and wishes.
Second, conceit and equality
"Our child will only be loyal to his self-role. At that time, they didn't care what our parents were worried about. In their eyes, they are unaware of any outstanding achievements and specialties. Children will not look at all kinds of things in the world with a heavy heart, but will only plunge into the kingdom of experience and be willing to try any adventure. "
Yes, it is because along the way, we may encounter many difficulties and problems, take many detours and setbacks, and gain more knowledge and wealth, so we have more conceit in front of our children. Conceited, we expect our children to achieve the expected one, and take less detours they have taken. The reason is our deep love, but this kind of unequal love, full of expectation and return, just causes the unequal relationship between us and our children, and also creates an invisible gap between parents and children, thus forming an obstacle to communication.
Even if our original intention is good and we want to encourage our children to be their truest selves, the more we want to help them, the more we want to control their thoughts, behaviors, ways and plans. Unbalanced balance will immediately hinder our good communication with children, because we are not cultivating a "mini version" of ourselves, but shaping a real soul, otherwise the relationship between young and old will often be blocked, rather than inspiring and activating the spirit of children.
Third, summary: growing up with children
Many years ago, I didn't really want children. On the one hand, he is not grown up and playful. On the other hand, having a baby feels very troublesome, and reading and education are long and tedious. Later, after having children, I read a lot of parenting books, especially William Dharma's Handbook of Child Psychology, and found that the culture of family background and parents have a profound and important influence on the formation and shaping of children or a person's personality. After reading it, I found that my good personality has a lot to do with my father's personality, and my impatient temper is also growing, imitating and learning from my father. At that time, I suddenly found that it is better to train and educate children than to accompany them. In fact, it is a process of self-learning and improvement. So my MSN name at that time was: growing up with children. I think this may be a special recognition of the central meaning of the book "The Awakening of Parents", so after reading it, my heart can't be calm for a long time, because this book directly hits my heart and once again stimulates the impulse of early parenting.
Once an adult's personality is formed, the pace of change and improvement is quite slow. In terms of complexity, it is from personal accomplishment, working environment, economic situation, living atmosphere, family pressure and so on. But to put it simply, laziness is human nature, and change and growth mean the process from comfort zone to another strange zone, even requiring painful efforts. Therefore, in my experience as a parent in the next few years, the invisible anxiety brought by work, entrepreneurship, immigration and uncertainty about the future made me a reason not to grow and change with my children. Thanks to the book Awakening, I reawakened my sleepy and lazy self-evolution.
Children have grown up, but my life path is full of expectations and excitement, so the more changes and efforts, the more gains, not to mention how beautiful and wonderful it is to grow and change with children. Awakening has given me new strength and direction, and I will continue to move forward and practice.
Fourth, feedback.
Maybe it's because I don't have enough reading comprehension skills, or maybe utilitarianism is at work. I always want to find some ways to change and improve from the book, which seems to be a flaw in this book. In addition, although the words in this book are accurate and the literary talent surpasses the general academic articles, the overall feeling is that the structure and logic of the book are not particularly clear.
It has been two weeks since the book Awakening of Parents was separated from the book Awakening of Parents. This is the third time that I have set out to write down my current reading experience of the book Awakening of Parents. The first time was the sharing on the spot, and the second time was when Mr. Wei rushed to hand in his homework, wrote two paragraphs and died. Nothing more than three things. Today, I have time to sit at the keyboard and talk about this feeling.
Going to a book club has been a thoughtful idea for a long time. Looking at the invitation letter to the reading club sent by Mr. Duan every week, we can also see that Mr. Duan is so devoted to psychological education today, and Mr. Wei's personal experience is so consistent with the mothers in these affiliated middle schools, and those times are precisely when he is empty. Finally, on April 23rd, World Book Day, I entered the book club like fate, which was long and affectionate.
When I first entered the book club, I didn't know any familiar faces, and I didn't know how to start my re-presentation in this team to cover up my inner feelings. Finally, I quickly showed my anxiety and anxiety when I shared it at the second book club. Emotions don't lie, only emotions are your true expression. By the time I came to the book club for the third time, I was not full of expectations, but would wander on the road. If they are aware of my emotions, they will certainly laugh at my immaturity and lack of understanding of reintegration. As teacher Wei said, charging itself is also a constraint. Since the money has been paid, it is also based on your own original intention, and you still have to face it. With this idea, in the future communication, I don't have too many worries, sincerely express my thoughts, and feel the same for the sharing of book friends. This mirror is gradually illuminating my dull mind and will really and really slowly integrate into this team.
Let's spoil some of our experiences. Life has been in a hurry for more than forty years, and I have experienced all kinds of affection, friendship and love, and more importantly, I have understood and recognized the society. When the graceful 18-year-old girl appeared in front of us, suddenly one day, you didn't know how to face her, and you no longer knew her. It seems that she no longer wants to rely on your shoulders, and even the road you have drawn for her is no longer broad.
The child's hesitation and the mother's helplessness even blamed herself for hurting the child unintentionally in the name of love for countless times. I'm really a little lonely these days. Teacher Wei reminded me to pay attention to my emotional changes. I tried to open my heart, chat with my college classmates and ask Mr. Wei to solve my doubts. I did more thinking. I found what I wanted in the knowledge of psychology in a short time, which is also a kind of love for psychology. Zeng Qifeng's psychoanalysis course, the interpretation of "parents' awakening" and how to eliminate the influence of family background, Yang Lan said.
I told my daughter that my mother studies hard and pretends to be full of heart every day. However, every turning point in the relationship will usher in some new minor contradictions, just like the surprise before the exam. It seems that sharpening the gun at the last minute will not be enough, and the heat will have to be simmered slowly. Of course, I am not an unreasonable mother. It is really a rare opportunity to get along with my daughter as bosom friends until two o'clock in the morning. When communicating with my daughter at ordinary times, I need to think quickly and understand her difficulties and difficulties. Seeing that my daughter is getting better and better recently, she seems to be less concerned about her studies. Her husband stopped her from trying again and again. What we want is the child's real happiness, which comes from her own rich spiritual motivation. So I still need to be gentle and wait patiently for this fragrant flower to bloom.
I took my daughter to the beautiful Weihai last week when the children were still struggling in the front line of the college entrance examination. In the blue sky of Liu Gongdao, I took a cable car to see the scenery of the city and the sea, and walked back and forth on the beach with my daughter and shoes. Now that I think about it, tears will come to my eyes. This is our real life. There are me, my daughter, the sea and, more importantly, endless words. Later, I took my daughter to Jinan to attend the 20th anniversary reunion of university graduation. I was moved by the dormitory, canteen, path, even the main class meeting we held in the original classroom and place, as well as the heartfelt feelings and blessings of proud students. My daughter has been taking photos for us, listening and experiencing our feelings. I believe she will have a deeper understanding and thinking about her life. So this trip has no regrets.
These are inseparable from the book club, and two and a half months is enough for me to wake up from my heart. My daughter asked me if I was awake, and I replied that I would always be on the road to awakening. When I was listening to a book in the morning, I heard this sentence: Parents are confused, how can children wake up? So we learn, we wake up, we work hard, and change will come slowly. I look forward to the scenery where we walk together on the road that few people walk, and walk hand in hand. It's a long way to go, Xiu Yuan. I hope you and I can move forward as we wish.