One night a few days ago. As usual, I took a copy of "Sister Wu tells a historical story" and walked to pick up the baby. 65438+ Mid-October is the coldest season in a year. The heart, like the hand, often seems to curl up with cold. However, it is commendable that the winter sunshine is very warm these days. This winter sunshine melts my frozen heart and makes my heart tender as water.
As soon as I arrived at the entrance of the reception room, I saw my children's classmates' mothers holding their lovely seven-or eight-month-old baby at the door waiting to pick up the big baby. I quickly put down my book and greeted her.
All mothers are friends. Besides, our children are still in the same class. As a result, the conversation gradually warmed up.
In this enthusiasm, it is reasonable for me to hold my lovely baby in my mother's arms.
Eva finally graduated. I saw the children running to their parents like small trains. I also quickly greeted warmly: "Yabei, mom is here."
However, the child didn't rush over and hug warmly as usual, but ran over without greeting, pleasure, semi-private smile and deadpan, and said something that made me feel puzzled: "Mom, you are a big idiot and a big stupid pig." This abusive remark shocked me and completely confused the second monk Zhang: "What happened to this girl today?"
You know, on weekdays, she hardly says any dirty words.
So I quickly grabbed her and asked, "Ya Ya, what happened to you today?" How to talk nonsense "
She ignored me, didn't even look at me, and ran to where she climbed the parallel bars. The mouth is still tough: "You are a big idiot, you are a big stupid pig, and that's the truth."
The children and classmates' mothers are all around. Eva's behavior makes me feel ashamed: I study psychology, and my parenting lecture has been heard by thousands of people. Now, I have been attacked by my own baby with dirty words in public. What is my face?
Wait a minute, I told myself that the mother's face is not important, what is important is to find out the reason why the child swears. Because I just read a book about language psychology recently, Steven Pinker, the greatest contemporary American thinker, the world's top linguist and cognitive psychologist, said in "Language Instinct-The Mystery of Human Language Evolution": "Humans create languages to tell their inner dissatisfaction." He also said in "The Essence of Thought-Language is the Window to Insight into Human Nature": "Swearing is a common way to vent extreme emotions". Ya Beibei, who called names, must have encountered some extreme emotions, and then used such extreme words to express her strong dissatisfaction!
So, after the baby returned to my mother's arms, I tried to keep myself calm and walked home behind the silent baby.
Walk to the door of the small supermarket. The child began to ask, "I'm in a bad mood today." I want to buy something to eat. " I acquiesced in the child's behavior, followed the child and followed her into the supermarket.
After buying the hawthorn slices and a box of biscuits she wanted, she began to eat them with relish and handed me some biscuits.
The ice has broken. Both mother and son seem to have calmed down. It's time to have a heart-to-heart talk.
I took her hand and stopped to confess: "I don't want to eat." Because mom is very sad today, you know? "
"People's hearts are connected, and hearts are connected." Besides, we are like mother and daughter, how can we not understand the baby's heart? She nodded, but she didn't mean to "repent". Instead, he spoke fiercely: "As a mother, don't you know why I scold you?"
I said as calmly as possible, "If you don't tell me, how will mom know?" ? Your feelings are yours and my feelings are mine. I didn't know until you told me in words. "
Finally, she was full of grievances and said in a high voice, "Mom, why did you hold that child without my permission?"
I was obviously surprised: "Huh? Are you angry about this? "
There were grievances and tears in her eyes: "Yes, that's it. I think you don't respect me. " It is also specious: "A child also needs to be respected. You don't respect me by holding someone else's child without my consent, as if I don't exist. "
Oh, let me think in my head. I really didn't do anything to make Eva angry. So that's why.
Although I feel that Eva's performance is a bit disappointing, the primary goal is always to calm the children's emotions.
I said softly, "I see, mom understands." When mother holds her little brother, are you afraid that mother will give her love to her little brother and then stop loving you? "
"That's it." Eva nodded heavily. Obviously, my words touched her heart: "That little brother is so cute. You smiled so happily when you held him, as if I were not in your eyes."
Out of the professional instinct of the counselor, I began to sympathize with her: "Mom understands your feelings."
When I really stand in the child's position, the baby's mood when he sees me holding my little brother gently is just like the metaphor I saw in a psychology book: when we love our little brother and sister, the child feels like a beautiful young girl suddenly brought back by the husband and wife, and he also announced that he would let this third party get along with them day and night.
I asked myself, if so, what would we do as wives? Our reaction may not be as simple as swearing!
Understanding brings tolerance. My voice softened and I began to talk to her while eating hawthorn.
We've been in love and jealous several times before. Every conversation made the children laugh through tears at that time. However, children are not machines after all. Once an equation is implanted, she will use it to deal with different situations once and for all. If that's the case, I'm not necessary as a mother
It is always our parents' responsibility to solve the crisis of children's spiritual world and face all kinds of problems in her growth together. Just like a popular sentence on the internet: parents should not unite with problems and defeat their children; Is to unite children and overcome problems.
We held hands and whispered all the way.
First, let her know what her mood is today: "Ya, today you saw your mother holding her little brother, and you couldn't help swearing. What kind of emotion is this? "
"This is probably jealousy?" She said shyly.
"Well, it's jealousy. Ya is getting more and more emotional. " I praised her.
In fact, it is very meaningful to let children know emotions and learn to name them. A thing, once you know its essence, is not so terrible!
I continued: "We talked about this problem before, do you remember? That time you refused to go to the farm because your uncle's little sister was born. You are afraid that after your little sister is born, your uncle and aunt will no longer love you. " I once wrote an article about it: "I will never go to the farm again-about the jealousy of children."
Eva nodded: "Mom, I remember. You told me many stories that time. Like Pang Juan and Sun Bin, Bao Shu Ya and Guan Zhong, and stories in Grimm's fairy tales. "
Speaking of those stories, Ya Ya is happy. The smile returned to her innocent little face.
I am also happy: "Mom will tell you the story of Zhang Yi and Su Qin again today!"
After that, Eva expressed doubt: "Mom, what you said about Bao and Guan Zhong and Su Yi is true?"
I replied categorically: "Ah, this is a true story in history, not a myth or a fairy tale."
Eva was envious: "If only I could be like Bao Shu Ya and Su Qin."
I encouraged her: "Take your time, you are still young. Maybe one day you can really do it. "
After telling the story, I returned to our "accident scene"-psychological accident!
"Ya, do you know why I want to hold my little brother?"
Eva: "I don't know."
Me: "Mom and my little brother's mother are waiting for you today, maybe for twenty minutes or even half an hour." "For such a long time, my little brother's mother has been holding my little brother and talking to me."
I stopped and faced the child: "How do you think my little brother's mother will feel after holding it for so long?"
Ya pondered slightly: "I should feel tired." Because I have been carrying my schoolbag for a long time, I sometimes get tired. "
I nodded approvingly: "Well, Jaber used his own feelings to imagine others' feelings, which made progress."
I went on to say, "Aunt is tired. Do I need help? "
Eva was speechless. Stop talking.
I continued: "at this time, if I don't help hug my little brother, I look like a cold-blooded animal." Just like if your schoolbag is too heavy to carry and your mother doesn't help you, you will feel that your mother is so cruel. "
Eva finally nodded: this kind of experience is common to her.
But I don't want to repeat the same thing today. Today I will discuss it from her standpoint.
"Ya, in addition to that, I have to hug my little brother. Another thing is that I really like my little brother and love my little brother. "
It's uncomfortable to hear your mother admit that she loves other children. Eva's face changed from sunny to gloomy again.
"Ya, you know? I must love my little brother. "
"Why?" The elegant tone has obviously increased. As an only daughter, she is used to being the only daughter in her mother's life and enjoying her mother's love: her mother only tells her stories every night, reads her poems every morning, eats with her only daughter every day, cooks her only favorite dish and only takes her to travel. ...
I continued slowly, "because my little brother is really cute." In the face of such a lovely baby, it is not a good thing for a mother to have no feelings. "
"Why?" Eva can't understand me again.
"Because, if a person is indifferent to such a lovely little life, then this person must be an animal without feelings." "If your mother is an animal without feelings, then of course she won't love you."
"I don't want to have a mother without feelings." Eva muttered.
"Yes, so my mother saw my brother and couldn't help hugging him and kissing him. Because my mother is a normal person with feelings and flesh and blood. " "At the same time, when mother holds her little brother, she will treat you as a baby. The feeling of warmth, happiness and sweetness is back. Mom's heart will become very soft, very soft. " "Holding a baby's penis is like holding a baby."
At this point, the baby's face lit up: "mom, I know you have told me 10 thousand times." When you were a child, you hugged me and always kissed me, which broke my face. "
I smiled: "Yes, so if mom wants to hug her little brother, she can always go back to the childhood when she hugged you." Mom will be a soft-hearted mother. "
Eva was happy again: "I like this kind of mother."
"Well, if I don't love the most lovely things and people in the world, I won't love you. Because you are not the mother herself, but only her daughter. You and mom are not alone after all. "
Eva seems to understand.
I continued, "You know there is another reason why mom loves her little brother." "How do I know my little brother and his mother?"
Eva replied without thinking: "Because my brother is Liu Ruichao's brother!"
I took the baby's words: "Yes, because Liu Ruichao is your classmate, and because you have a relationship with Liu Ruichao, my mother knows Liu Ruichao's mother." If the mother doesn't have your daughter, she won't know the little brother and his mother, so there is no such thing as hugging the little brother. "
Eva stood still for a moment, obviously she was thinking.
Me: "You see, there are millions of babies in the world, and it is impossible for a mother to pick them all up. Then why hug this little brother? Because you are related to them. " "Because of you, I know and deal with them."
Another example: "Last week, I stayed in our house for a week and stayed in our house for one night. How does her mother treat them? "
The baby rushed to answer: "Very good, better than me." Haha, jealousy has turned over again.
I seriously replied: "Why is mother good to them? Why not cook for unknown children in the street, buy them presents and read them stories? Do they treat Zhou He like that without hugging them to comfort them when they cry at night? "
Eva, look at me. I have shared this theory with her many times, and I think she understands it all.
"The fact is the same. Because they are your classmates and are related to you, your growth cannot be separated from them. " "If they come to our house and my mother ignores them, will they be very sad and will never play with you again or be your good friends?"
"Well, maybe." Eva seems to have figured it out.
"Yes, I am good to them because I love them. The deeper reason is that I love you. I love you, and I hope you have more friends to share your joys and sorrows. Friendship is indispensable for a person's growth. "
"Have you ever wondered how you would feel if you were always alone at home on weekdays?" "If there is only a mother in this life, is it enough?"
"That certainly won't do." Eva began to really understand. Because, as an only child, she has experienced too much. Since childhood, she has been a very popular child, and all her classmates like to play with her. Her favorite book is also about how to make friends.
"Yes, I can't. Because we are very happy in the relationship. " I have shared this philosophical theory with her many times, and she knows it by heart. ) "So, be kind to everyone who has something to do with you. Mom is expressing her love for you with actions. Because I love you, I also love all your friends. "
Ask again: "Is Mother Chen good to you? Are my students good to you? "
Referring to this, the baby has something to say, and she is very happy: "Of course. Every time we meet, mother Chen buys me my favorite chocolate. Sister Zhong Zijun and sister Tang Xin come to pick me up every week, and sister Luo Chang buys me snacks every time she picks me up. My brother asked me and Zhou to write on him casually with chalk. Don't be angry. LanJie often buy me candy to play with me ... "
God, this is really "too many books". Speaking of this, her little heart is full of happiness and sweetness: the feeling of being liked and loved by others permeates the baby.
I stopped at the right time and brought her to the topic of our conversation, otherwise the conversation might not have ended.
"Do you know why my sister, brother and aunt are so kind to you?"
Because I'm cute. Haha, this boy is really bragging.
I stopped: "Is there any other reason besides this?"
Eva: "Then I don't know."
Me: "Sister Tang Xin from Neutron County, why don't they pick up other children? Why doesn't Sister Luo Chang buy candy for other children? " "There are many children in the world who are as lovely and as big as you. There are thousands of primary schools in China alone, and there are also thousands of primary schools in the world. But why did they just come to pick you up? I'll buy you candy? "
Me: "Whose friends are Mom Chen and Mom Fei? Sister Zhong Zijun and brother Li Zhiwei ... Whose students are they? Whose child is Sister Lan? "
Eva enlightened: "You often say that Sister Lan is your half-daughter, Mom Chen and Mom Fei are your friends, and Sister Zhong is your student!" "
Me: "Yes, because my mother has something to do with them. My mother loves them and gives them love. Because you are your mother's daughter, they love and spoil you. If mom doesn't love them and treat them well, they may not even know you, and they won't be happy to pick you up and buy you candy. "
Eva was silent. I continued, "So, should mom continue to love them?"
Eva said nothing, only nodded.
I reminded her of our conversation. Talking about why mothers should love their students, their visitors, their relatives and friends. I once again express an idea: Mom is not only her mother, but also a teacher of students, a counselor of visitors, a manager of thousands of bookstore teams, a friend of friends, a lover of lovers, a colleague of colleagues, my parents' daughter, Lan's aunt, her classmate's mother and her teacher's parents. ...
I said, not only do I have deep love and responsibility to be her mother, but I also have to be a consultant, a teacher, a mother consultant of a bookstore, a colleague, a friend, a daughter, an aunt, a parent, a classmate's mother, and so on, all of which are affectionate, loving and responsible.
When I got home, I gave her another unemotional lesson: I stopped and looked at the cold day with no expression on my face and no emotional communication. It's like giving a lecture to the air, and the content of the lecture is in your mouth, but you can't get it off your mouth, neither impassioned nor magnificent. ...
Eva was dizzy with laughter. "If Miss Wang gives lectures like this, I will never listen to her class again."
Me: "Ya, what students don't have a teacher, but they are still teachers?" A counselor without any visitors or a counselor? "
Eva: "Of course not."
Me: "What if mom is not a teacher, a consultant, a mother consultant in a bookstore, and nothing but your mom?"
Eva: "Then you have no salary and we have no money to buy books."
I smiled: "Not only did I have no money to buy books, but what was even more frightening was that I had no money to eat, so I had to beg for food in the streets." Imitating a beggar, I squatted down and limped, using the book in my hand as a begging box, muttering something in my mouth, and said piteously, "Give me a dime, I have no money to eat." )
The baby laughs and sprays.
I stopped performing: "So, everyone, when interacting with others, has feelings, and must have feelings, love and responsibility. Without love and responsibility, people cannot live in this world. " "Between people, we give love, we can harvest love. The more you give, the more you get. No pains, no gains. " "So, when I am your mother, I have love and responsibility. When I am a teacher, consultant, daughter, aunt, friend ..., it is all based on love. "
Finally put it into practice: "So in this world, it is impossible for a mother to love only you."
After such a long heart-to-heart talk, Eva was finally relieved. Finally, she said to me, "Mom, if our classmates come to our house this winter vacation, if you love them again, I will be very happy!" " "
Well, although Rousseau, a great educator, said that reasoning is not the best channel for parent-child communication. However, if children do have such needs, it is necessary and effective to guide them in time in the face of different situations!
This is proof!
Ps:
I haven't written an article for days. This article has been conceived for a long time, and I have been trying to record it since what happened that night. However, I'm really busy recently. Fortunately, I got up at four o'clock today and finally made a complete record. Years later, when Eva reads it, she may laugh and burst into tears. There was once a person who loved her so much, so carefully, so hard, understood her and guided her. I hope she will still be loved when she is 80 years old. In the process of life, I always feel happy!
Of course, I hope to help my friends with their parenting, especially the second-born mother!