Junior high school students are in adolescence, relatively independent and unconvinced. For parents, obedient and obedient children seem to get out of control overnight, and the contradiction between parents and children is often inevitable. For parents, this conflict means more "empathy narcissism".
When children go to junior high school, there are many contradictions between father and son, which shows that they don't mind asking questions at ordinary times, and they will get angry if their grades are not good; Homework doesn't care about supervision at first, and once it is not completed, it will be angry and accused; Even when he became angry from embarrassment, he said something exciting, "Look at how others do it!"
According to the operation manual of psychodynamics, "empathy" can be divided into three categories: emotional empathy, relational empathy and substitute empathy. The above example is analyzed as follows:
As a father, the emotional empathy for children is impatience, anger and irritability, which are all negative emotions. Looking at these later, of course, will not help to promote children's learning. A person can't listen to suggestions when he is criticized and hit, which is determined by his psychological nature. There must be conditions for listening to opinions.
Empathy for children's relationship is also obvious, which reflects the interpersonal relationship handling mode as a father. The relationship empathy here refers to the interpersonal relationship model and the habitual way to deal with problems. A parent who always accuses his children of problems can't see his educational responsibility clearly, which is an incompetent performance of shirking responsibility. The ineffective way of dealing with problems learned in the past has become a template for dealing with any current problems. Children at home are like this, and so will others outside. Behavior always tells a specific relational model.
There is also the performance of children replacing empathy, which is to compare children with others. This comparison is actually a euphemism for dissatisfaction with children, mocking their own children by accusing or praising other children. In rural areas, "pointing fingers at mulberry and cursing trees" is actually replacing empathy.
This bad performance of parent-child interaction can be explained by empathy. It is not that children are really bad, but that all the personality characteristics of parents are exposed. Therefore, a parent who can't be strict with himself will be strict with his children, and a parent who is incompetent and inferior will be harsh on his children through empathy projection.
The negative empathy at this time is actually the expression of parents' "narcissism". Narcissism seems reasonable, but in fact it is inferior and incompetent. Just because it is unable to help children, it has to bluff through "violent communication". In a sense, this performance of parents is a kind of compensation, which compensates for a kind of helplessness and bitter concern deeply hidden under inferiority.
Therefore, it is very important to realize "empathy narcissism" in family education. It is not aimed at children's wrong behavior, but reflects parents' own quality and level, and can't help children effectively, at least keep your mouth shut and don't help.
Of course, the most effective thing is education. After all, this is the responsibility of parents. The only effective idea is that "relationship precedes and surpasses education". The specific way is to use empathy experience to promote positive emotional links, reflect on the handling mode of self-relationship, face problems directly and help solve them effectively.
Without interest and care, we will "empathize" with people and things Because we love our children deeply, we should be more alert to their negative "empathy narcissism" and improve it little by little through reflection.