Xiao Ming's mother's behavior reminds me of an experiment on educating children done by psychologist Ripper: First, I found dozens of children who like art and divided them into two groups. One group promised them that they would be rewarded if they painted well, and the other group told them that they were "very much looking forward to seeing your works often". Both groups of children are happy to draw. Of course, the children in the first group won prizes, while the children in the latter group were only praised. After three weeks, the children in the first group began to lose interest in this reward method, and most of them were unwilling to take the initiative to draw lots, while the children in the second group were as enthusiastic as before. ? It can be seen that in order to motivate children, parents should use less or no material rewards and use more spiritual encouragement. When I told Xiaoming's mother about this experiment, she understood her mistake. But in reality, there are many parents like Xiaoming's mother. Why?
1. Why do more and more parents choose to reward their children with materials now? Is it for the children or for your own convenience? 1, lack of patience, give material rewards to keep children from crying and obedient.
When children cry, especially in public, many parents are impatient with them and even feel humiliated. They just want to stop crying quickly to get out of trouble. In order to make children stop crying as soon as possible, they use material rewards to trick them, such as "Let's go home, as long as you come home with me now, I will buy you toys".
2. Use material rewards to "motivate" children to study or do housework.
This is a mistake that many parents make, just like Xiaoming's mother in the case. They are not interested in the step-by-step education advocated by teachers and education experts, nor do they want to spend energy to help and guide their children. They just want to crash. In order to make their children get good grades quickly, these parents spend a lot of money on toys, clothes and other things that their children like, as long as they are willing to study hard. In order to let children do housework and exercise their ability to do housework independently, parents will give financial rewards to their children as long as they are obedient. For example, "Baby, as long as you score 100 in this exam, mom will take you to Disneyland" and "I will give you 100 yuan for washing dishes this month as long as you do it".
3, often work in the field, in order to leave home smoothly and coax children with material rewards, many parents work outside all the year round and rarely go home. It's not that I don't love my children, but because of the economic pressure at home, I have to choose to leave my children again and again. When the children cried and wouldn't let them leave, in order to appease their emotions, they were promised various material rewards in exchange for leaving with peace of mind. For example, "honey, you should listen to your mother at home, as long as you don't cry, and dad will buy you a model plane next time you come back."
4. In order to play more games for yourself, send the children away with material rewards.
This situation is dominated by "widowed" parenting families whose fathers have lost their functions. These parents often go home to play games and watch TV and pay little attention to their children's growth. Children pester them to play games, and often give them some material rewards to send them away in order to perfunctory them. For example, "Dad is busy, go and play, as long as you don't disturb Dad, I'll buy you Lego".
It can be seen that material rewards have quick effect and good short-term effect. Many parents choose this way to make their children obey, not lose their temper, do housework and study hard, but ignore the negative impact of this teaching method on their children.
Second, what kind of adverse effects will long-term material rewards bring to children's psychological growth? 1, children will regard rewards as the purpose of their own efforts.
Children are often given material rewards to motivate them to achieve their goals. For example, parents promise to buy toys for their children to motivate them to get a hundred points in the exam. Children will gradually take 100 yuan as their goal, instead of getting a hundred points in the initial exam. When parents no longer give their children a reward of 100 yuan, children will lose the motivation to work hard because they lose their goals.
2, material rewards will make children become materially powerful and have no long-term goals.
Give children material rewards to motivate them to learn. In a short time, such material rewards may play a positive role in promoting children's learning, but after a long time, children will become utilitarian and get used to doing everything with rewards and rewards. In the long run, children tend to focus only on immediate interests, short-sighted, have no long-term goals, and lose the ability and perseverance to plan their lives in the long run.
3. Material rewards make children feel tired of learning.
Parents reward children when their grades are good, but don't reward them when their grades are poor, but people's ability is limited, and it is difficult for children to ensure that they get the first place in the exam every time no matter how hard they try. And with the increase of learning difficulty, children need more efforts and fail more and more times. Children become depressed because they often don't get rewards, and then they start to hate learning.
Parents will lose the initiative to discipline their children.
Taking material rewards as an incentive way for children to learn, after a long time, children will not only reverse their efforts from grades to rewards, but also mistake the improvement of their own grades for their parents' goals, and learning is also for their parents. If parents want to improve their grades, they must meet their higher material needs. In this way, parents have changed from encouraging their children to being "driven" by them and lost the initiative to discipline them.
5. Destroy children's hard-working learning spirit.
Learning needs children's interest in knowledge exploration and practical learning attitude, which is the fundamental motivation and method for their active learning. Using material rewards to motivate children, children are no longer down-to-earth in their studies, but focus on how to get rewards and please their parents. This makes children suffer from psychological anxiety, uncertain thoughts and lose the spirit of studying hard.
Therefore, although material rewards can bring temporary effects, long-term use is very harmful to children's growth. Educators point out that the way to motivate children should not be material rewards, but spiritual encouragement. Parents may wish to try the following ways to motivate their children.
Third, how should parents motivate their children without material rewards? What benefits will it bring to children's psychological growth? 1、? Respect children, believe and recognize their abilities.
Parents use material rewards to motivate their children to learn, often because they don't believe in their children's abilities. Encouraging children with encouraging words can stimulate their satisfaction and pride more than material rewards, and make their interest in learning more high and lasting. Moreover, children are respected and recognized by their parents, and it is easy to form a confident, positive and optimistic character and act more actively.
2、? Use language to reward children's efforts, not just material rewards.
Efforts are more important than results. Praise the child's efforts with praise language, such as "Baby, you were so handsome just now, and your mother especially appreciated you", which is more meaningful than giving the child a toy or a dress in a perfunctory way. Children will understand that hard work can achieve goals, not toys. Therefore, children who are often encouraged by language are more diligent.
3. Cultivate children's interest in learning and doing things through guidance, instead of stimulating them with material rewards.
If parents want their children to get the intrinsic motivation to learn and do things, they should adopt appropriate methods to guide their children to do things they are interested in, and gain a sense of self-satisfaction and accomplishment in the process. These spiritual encouragements are the internal motivation to stimulate children's active learning, which is more effective and longer-term than external material rewards.
4. Replace material rewards with spiritual rewards.
Every child has a sense of honor and pride. When the child makes progress, parents give the child some rewards representing his progress, such as a small red flower and a medal, which is easier for the child to get spiritual satisfaction than a simple material reward. Honor reward represents a kind of spiritual recognition and praise from everyone, which is irreplaceable by any material. Parents often motivate their children in this way, and children have a strong sense of honor and disgrace, work harder and have a more sense of responsibility.
"If you are poor, you will change your mind." No parent doesn't want their children to be twins. He chose to encourage his children with material rewards. The original intention is to achieve the effect of promoting his children to learn or do things. However, a series of adverse effects make this kind of encouragement ineffective, and spiritual encouragement can bring more effective and long-term positive encouragement to his children.