Parents are out of step and hijack each other's education!
A mother poured out her troubles:
My children are in the middle class. I want to sign up for several interest classes for my children and get on well with young people in advance. However, the child's father disagreed and thought that the child should not be exposed to school-age knowledge in advance, which would stifle the child's nature. We have argued about it several times, but there is still no result.
No matter how good the communication between husband and wife is, it seems impossible to treat children's education without any differences. However, in family education, especially in correcting children's bad habits, we should try to avoid the following behavior habits and ways that damage communication and cause problems:
1, hijack each other's education
In parental education, one party will hijack the other party's ongoing education or code of conduct for children. For example, when a parent criticizes a child, the other party will shape his authoritative image by loudly reprimanding or issuing a punishment order, and he is the more authoritative one, and even accuse or destroy the strength and status of another parent.
2. secretly give benefits to children
When one parent thinks that another parent has caused emotional pain to the child, one of them will secretly give the child some comfort, such as snacks, drinks, or other ways, such as allowing the child to secretly play for a while when it is forbidden to watch TV or play mobile phones.
3. Discuss each other privately with your child.
Some parents will secretly discuss each other with their children, complain or gently accuse another parent. For example, "I can't stand her losing her temper."
4. Encourage children to alienate each other.
When one parent tries to maintain his authority or educational status, the other parent may subtly encourage the child to oppose him. Children feel that their parents are more accommodating and know themselves better, and naturally they will be closer to him.
These practices not only prevent parents from discussing problems directly and frankly, but also make children at a loss and make things worse and worse. If there is more than one child at home, communication problems will become more and more serious.
What effect does it have on children if you face east and I face west?
Most parents have different educational concepts, but these differences should be as few as possible and should not be shown in front of children, because they will have a great impact on children.
Influence 1: Make children emotionally unstable.
Young children will have emotional instability, which will inevitably affect the cultivation of learning ability and living habits.
Impact 2: Let the children be at a loss.
Parents disagree on the education of their children. Dad turns left and mom turns right, and the children will be at a loss. They don't know whether to listen to their father or obey their mother's rules, or whether to choose someone who listens to a loud voice and completely lose their direction.
Impact 3: Confuse children's right and wrong
If parents make different judgments and adopt different attitudes towards the same thing their children do, it is easy for them to be confused and at a loss. They don't know who to listen to, so they simply treat their mistakes with indifference. This is not conducive to the formation of children's concept of right and wrong.
Impact 4: Affect mental health.
Some children will feel guilty because of this, and may think that the quarrel between their parents is caused by him, which will cause psychological burden and affect their personality development.
More serious children will have inner fear and anxiety, which will form a serious shadow in their hearts for a long time. And at this time, the child's heart is under the pressure of overload, which will seriously affect the child's mental health.
Impact 5: reduce the prestige of parents.
When parents disagree on education, especially when they argue or even deny each other in front of their children, children will be disappointed with their parents, destroy their image in their children's minds and reduce their prestige, thus affecting the effect of education.
What should parents do in the face of parenting differences?
The key to solving the educational differences is to find ways to solve them as soon as possible, rather than delaying them. When parents are "inconsistent" in education, the following strategies should be adopted:
1, reach an agreement in advance
When the child is still in infancy, parents should discuss the problem of parenting first to avoid the discordant voice when raising the baby in the future.
Two people make a list separately, and then compare them together. What behaviors of children are absolutely not allowed and which behaviors can be reconsidered.
Discuss sensitive but important topics, such as how to deal with children's mistakes and whether they can beat and scold.
When there are differences of opinion in the actual parenting process, parents should first resolve the conflict privately to reach a consensus, coordinate the parenting methods that are satisfactory to both sides, and then face the children with a consistent attitude.
2. Assign their roles and try to be balanced.
Ensure that both parents have a basic balance between "playing the red face" and "playing the white face" in different situations, that is to say, one parent should not always be "nice and easy to talk to" and the other should always be a fierce parent. When one party is disciplining a child, don't intervene easily unless the other party asks.
3. Disagreement is allowed on small matters.
Parents can't be completely in step. For example, mothers don't let their children skateboard, while fathers think it's okay to take a little risk. In this case, parents only need to reach an agreement on major safety issues, such as wearing protective gear and holding their parents' hands when crossing the road.
Don't quarrel in front of the children.
When parents disagree, give priority to one of them, let the baby have a code of conduct to follow, and then communicate well when the baby is not present.
Try to avoid quarreling in front of children, otherwise it will cause psychological harm to children, and deeply plant a disharmonious scene of quarreling in children's hearts, which will make children feel afraid and guilty, and their personality may become more timid.
5. Make decisions when children are present
If the child has any wrong or wrong behavior, such as grabbing other people's toys or being impolite at the dinner table, both parents can discuss first and stipulate what is the right behavior, then educate the child and try to educate the child to correct his behavior next time.
It's no harm for husband and wife to argue rationally about some small things in front of their children. Children will gain something by observing their parents' efforts to solve problems, but parents must remain calm and pay attention to telling the truth instead of being emotional.
6. Don't tear each other apart in front of the children.
Both parents insist on principles in raising their children, such as eating habits and study habits, but they should be flexible in other matters and consult with each other more. Parents should support, love and unite with each other in the eyes of their children. If you can't agree with your spouse's decision, you should argue with him in private and don't embarrass him in front of the children.
7. When a child asks a question, give a positive answer.
If children ask why mom and dad have different education methods, tell them that it is normal for parents to have different views on things, which can make your education more efficient.
If the consensus reached by parents after discussion is different from the previous guidelines that children should abide by, don't be embarrassed to apologize to their children, because children can also learn from their parents to admit their mistakes bravely, which is also a very good learning opportunity for children.
8. Seek external assistance.
When couples feel that the problem really can't be solved, they may wish to seek help from the outside world. You can consult a marriage expert and hope to resolve the contradiction between husband and wife through discussion and reflection. Or ask friends and relatives for help, so that both husband and wife can face the problem calmly.
Avoid harmful differences, stand on the United front, strive to improve the quality of communication, and educate children with the other half.