This is what parents said to a boy of 12 years old.
My parents live next door to mine. They are busy with business from morning till night every day and seldom see fire at home. 12-year-old children play games at home all day without going to school, and they often hear abusive voices from their parents at night.
Once a boy came to my house and asked: Is there an old godmother in your family?
My mother said: What's the matter, didn't you eat?
The boy was a little embarrassed and said that as long as Laoganma scooped a few spoonfuls and said thank you, he left.
I said his family doesn't give money to children?
My mother said why not, and his family is not short of money. His mother said that he spent all his money on game equipment, so now he only pays for meals one day at a time. Playing games day and night all day, sometimes yelling there at night.
A few days later, his family made a scene, dragged the child outside the door and said to the child: play games every day and do nothing. You can do it. I'm giving up on you now. Do whatever you want. I won't interfere. I'll have another child, just pretend I never gave birth to you.
The parents slammed the door and left the children outside.
Later, I didn't see the child. My mother said that his family found a closed school similar to military management, which was given by the children.
At that time, I was wondering why the relationship between children and parents would be reduced to such a state. If I had children, I would never do this.
As a result, it was too late to hit the face, but after having a child, I felt that the child was too rebellious and wanted to send him away. I feel that he has come to me to collect debts all his life, and the debts are high and endless.
Every time I brush my teeth, I need you to urge me to come over many times. When you communicate with him, he never says a word, acts rudely, contradicts himself and is completely out of control.
Sometimes I wonder if this is the child who just smiled at me and likes to stick to me. Why can't I see through him now?
Fortunately, I found someone in the same boat. Mike Berry, the author of Growing Up with Children: How to Win Children's Hearts, has also encountered such difficulties. At present, he has adopted 23 children, one of whom wants to commit suicide because he can't stand the capricious family environment. Another girl was abandoned before marriage, and even a boy was arrested for stealing.
He doesn't understand why he can't solve the problems at home as an expert. Later, through personal practice and trial and error, he re-established heart-to-heart communication with his children and established a close relationship with them.
Mike Berry wrote all his parenting experiences in the book "Growing with Me: How to Win the Heart of Children". He believes that only when you have established trust and communication with your children can you influence them. He summed up three core educational principles and nine parenting skills, which can strengthen the relationship between parents and children to the maximum extent, and help parents to establish correct concepts and get rid of the wrong parenting model through a large number of practical suggestions and common problems and interesting stories in real life.
Many parenting books make parents and children friends, and as a result, children become more and more rebellious. The reason is that parents lack influence and sense of boundary in their children's minds. Let's see what misunderstandings we have in parenting and how to remedy them.
I saw a hot search on Zhihu before. Because of the problem of room allocation, the little daughter destroyed the clothes, toys and quilts in her sister's room. Her parents left home without saying anything.
Many people say that the youngest daughter has psychological problems, but I think the love of parents has no boundaries. As the saying goes, "what you can't get is always in turmoil, and what you prefer is fearless." Only the spoiled child is ignorant and fearless, because she knows that her parents' love for her has no boundaries and they will not punish her.
Many times, because children's growth is bound by strict rules, parents are unwilling to say "no" to their children from an early age, unwilling to punish them, and afraid that children will resent themselves. When their children reach puberty, they will be asked to be sensible immediately. If they deviate from the right track, they will immediately forcibly suppress and rudely enforce their own boundaries.
Do you think children can not rebel? In a lyric, it is "I gave you too much freedom". You think that children will be sensible because they are moved one day, and as a result, children will become more and more rebellious.
There are boundaries everywhere in this society. Observe the traffic lights and walk on the sidewalk when driving. Without borders, the whole society will be in a mess, so borders do not mean bondage, but also a protection mechanism.
Every one of us, including children, needs border awareness. Can we only strictly practice border awareness and impose penalties? Of course not, the author thinks that setting boundaries with love is the most effective.
First, put it into action now. Many parents feel that it is too late to set a boundary for their children when they are young. It's not too late. Nothing more than more challenges and more patience. You know, if you don't set a boundary in time, with the growth of age, the probability of children deviating from the right track will only increase.
Second, explain the reasons. Many parents like to be dictators, as if they have set a limit in the imperial edict. When a child asks why, he will only use "you don't understand, it's for your own good anyway". The child didn't participate, and I don't know why. Naturally delayed. Once punished, there will be many complaints.
We might as well sit down with our children and communicate the contents of the lower boundary, the reasons for making it and the consequences of violating it. Through words and actions, let the child realize from the heart that parents set this boundary for his own good, so that there will naturally be no rebellion in the implementation process.
Third, put it into practice and persevere. If the boundary is set, it must be implemented persistently, otherwise it will tell the children in disguise that this boundary is irrelevant. In addition, in the process of children's execution, it is impossible to stay in place every time. At this time, you should communicate your expectations with your child, and then encourage your child to abide by the boundaries through constant positive feedback on correct behavior.
Of course, when children violate the border, they must abide by the previous agreement to punish them. Sometimes strict love is also a kind of love, and healthy education methods also need this kind of love.
Children need care and healthy and beneficial border protection. Healthy and beneficial boundaries can make children become free individuals, keep them away from danger and ensure their safety.
If our parents of the previous generation were dictators and liked to be commanders, then our parents of this generation prefer to be friends with their children. Even many parenting books encourage parents to be friends with their children, regardless of their attitudes, words and behaviors. And always keep a good mood and be friendly to children. The most important thing is that their children are happy.
However, this kind of thinking ignores that our first principle as parents is to be parents. We need to set a good life example for our children, ensure their safety, instill good conduct in them and guide them on the right path. Instead of being friends, it is better to sacrifice all the border awareness and guidance and just be happy for the children.
When we make friends with children, it means giving up our authoritative position. We could have created an authoritative figure in real life in the family, and let the children adapt to social setbacks in advance. Now that it is gone, it will make children form an unrealistic expectation that everyone can be friends. In the real world, no matter where you are, there is an authority figure, a boss or a teacher around you. They can't be friends with children. Once children encounter setbacks in the outside world, they will be heartbroken and decadent.
Lu Xun has a classic saying that the meaning of parents' existence is not to give children a comfortable and rich life, but when you abandon your parents, your heart is full of strength and you will feel warm, so you have the courage and ability to overcome difficulties! Therefore, you can get real happiness and freedom in your life.
The highest state of love is to allow us to be children's friends, but we must not forget our primary responsibility as parents.
When you wash dishes, my husband says I love you very much, and when you wash clothes, my husband also says I love you very much. Once you don't do housework, your husband doesn't say he loves you. At this time, do you doubt that my husband said that I love you because you do housework? To put it bluntly, his love is not simple and conditional.
Similarly, when a child gets a high score, his parents will say, "You are great. Mom loves you so much." Once the score is low or he makes a mistake, he will be devalued. In this case, the child will also feel that your love for it is conditional. Only when it behaves well can you love it. Once it behaves badly, love will disappear.
Some people say that when a child makes a mistake, I still express my love for him, which will only make things worse, and even regard this unconditional love as a gold medal for impunity.
Is that really the case?
Mike Berry adopted a child with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. One day, when all the other children were asleep, he still wanted to eat and drink. By ten o'clock, his parents stopped serving food. The child was angry and tore off the commemorative ornaments on the Christmas tree directly, and was going to get the heirloom ornaments handed down by his parents for five generations.
Mike Berry can't sit still. He felt as angry as a volcano and was about to get up and scold the child. His wife sent him an email to communicate:
Don't respond to this behavior. He broke everything. We can replace it. It's no big deal.
Good point, I think so, too. What about those grandma's heirloom ornaments?
We should be indifferent to his behavior. He wanted us to respond, but we didn't.
When they didn't make any response, the child stopped. Mike Berry told the child that he could choose to stop attacking. We were very happy, and then cashed in the consequences and let the children clean up everything.
Afterwards, they reflected on this matter and found that parents' tone, reaction and words will determine whether the child's behavior will deteriorate or return to calm, and will also affect the way the child treats himself. They think "keep calm and firm" is suitable for all parents.
The way we handle children's mistakes is actually sending them a message, that is, how we treat them. When children fight against humanity, our reaction will also leave a mark on them, which will always accompany them into adulthood.
When parents guide and admonish their children when correcting their mistakes, they will be gentle and gentle, full of loving affirmation, and children will naturally respond accordingly when they feel your affirmation and concern for them.
So when the child behaves badly, you try to ask yourself, no matter what happens, do you care and are willing to accept it?
Of course, it is not easy for children to know that you have always loved them. We often want to finish our work quickly and spend some time with our children. As a result, we found that work still occupies our leisure time, especially now that information is developed, many people are basically offline 24 hours a day.
Jonah and Newwolf said in the book "Raising children is beyond my power": As a family, living together for a long time is the right way, otherwise the beautiful life is not what you want.
It is good to take a long vacation with your children, but the twilight years in daily life are also indispensable. When we gather at countless dusk, accompany our children and listen to their voices, children can naturally feel the love of their parents in this long-flowing life.
For example, send your child to school in the morning, or go to pick up the courier with your child. These little things may often be mentioned in the process of children's growth, comparable to those major events in life.
Adler said that happy people use childhood to cure their whole lives, while unfortunate people use their whole lives to cure their childhood. It is the luck of a child's life to spend every evening with him, to interact with him, to give him unconditional love, and to grow up in such a loving environment.
If you have failed in the past, please don't blame yourself, because educating children is always learning lessons, and it is endless. All you have to do is focus on the present, praise children's achievements, praise them for coming out of failure, seek their understanding, tell them how to forgive others, and tell them the significance of doing so. This is a powerful measure for parents to change their influence.
Some people say that raising children is a process of drifting away, but in the book Growing with Children: How to Win Children's Hearts, the author tells parents through personal practice that winning children's hearts through companionship is not necessarily a process of drifting away, but perhaps a lifelong positive relationship with children, and this relationship is the best legacy you leave for your children.