Section 1 What is a sense of responsibility

? American psychologist Fromm said: Responsibility is not an obligation imposed on others from the outside, but I need to respond to the events I care about. So how did the sense of responsibility come from?

First of all, the sense of responsibility stems from the unconditional love of parents.

Responsibility is a sense of responsibility, which refers to the individual's understanding, feelings and beliefs about himself and others, family and collective, country and society, and the corresponding conscious attitude of observing norms, taking responsibility and fulfilling obligations.

A very important performance of being responsible for yourself and others is to respect yourself and others, which belongs to the fourth level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory-respect for needs. According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory, people will have higher-level needs only after meeting the needs of their subordinates. In other words, to cultivate a responsible child, we must meet the first level of physiological needs, the second level of security needs, and the third level of emotional and belonging needs.

Second, the sense of responsibility comes from decentralization.

At work, because the leader trusts you and recognizes your ability, you are given full responsibility for a new project. Will you be responsible for every detail and do your best to ensure the smooth progress of the project? If the leader doesn't give you the right to take charge of the project, but throws all the related work to you and lets you reflect on it all day, will you have a sense of responsibility for this project? Obviously not. So do children. Only when children have power can they be inspired with a corresponding sense of responsibility.

? Third, the sense of responsibility comes from full trust.

It is not enough to just give rights, but also to have full trust.

After the leader put the project in your charge, the boss came over every 10 minute and said, what's the matter? Would you? Why are you lazy? Why aren't you serious? You let me down. ...

What would you think in your heart? Do you really want to strike the table and throw a sentence: boss, you'd better come by yourself! Will you be in charge of this project this time? The answer is no! If we promise to let the children clean the table on the surface, but keep nagging: wipe this side and that side, use some force, or let mom clean it, you can't clean it ... these behaviors are all sending a signal to the children: mom doesn't trust you to clean the table, and you can't clean it well. What children feel is distrust and negation. How can they have a sense of responsibility to wipe the table? How should a child who has been denied and distrusted again and again be responsible?

Fourth, the sense of responsibility comes from demand.

American psychologists Deci Edward L. and Ryan Richard M. put forward the theory of self-determination in the 1980s. The most important point is that people's desire for "autonomy" is an innate basic demand. Only when this demand is met can people actively deal with things with intrinsic motives.

In other words, it is a basic need for children to do things independently, just like children want to drink milk. If the child is not allowed to drink milk, the child will cry, then if the child's need to do things independently is not met, the child will resist in other ways, such as secretly doing what he wants to do when his parents are not paying attention, or deliberately destroying things.

What should parents do to cultivate their children's sense of responsibility?

We all hope that our children will grow into a responsible person in the future, so what should parents do to cultivate their children's sense of responsibility?

First, provide children with a democratic, equal and loving family atmosphere.

Through Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory, we know that to cultivate a responsible child, we must meet the first level of physiological needs, the second level of security needs, and the third level of emotional and belonging needs. For physiological needs and safety needs, most families can do it. But not every family can give children a third level of emotion and belonging.

It is difficult for a child who lacks love and has been neglected for a long time to have a strong sense of responsibility, which reminds us that no matter how busy we are at work, we should not miss the growth of our children. The unconditional love of parents is the most fertile soil for children to grow up.

? Second, responsibility and power coexist. No power, no responsibility!

There are often such examples in life:

"Although I don't give you enough pocket money, tell me what you want and I'll buy it for you!"

"What do you know? Listen to your mother and choose this! "

"Let you cook? Stop fooling around and do your homework! "

While complaining that children are not good here and there, they are not allowed to do anything and do not give children the right to choose. Children who are repeatedly suppressed and controlled either succumb to it and gradually lose their sense of autonomy; Or stand up and resist, and never stop until you beat the chicken to fly the dog.

Maggie, the author of Deep Companionship, said: After giving the initiative to the child, his sense of responsibility will gradually sprout, and at the same time, his ability to solve problems will be improved. Maggie said in the book that every time she went to the park, her son Lele would choose the place to pave the ground, and he would take the initiative to choose the best location according to the weather conditions, which naturally exercised his ability to solve problems.

? Third, meet the needs of children who want to do things independently.

As mentioned earlier, it is a basic need for children to do things independently, just like children want to drink milk. Ryan also found that if we pay attention to the "autonomy" of early children, they will become better in the social field in the future.

? Parents can recall, have children ever asked for one thing or another in their daily life, and how did you respond? When a child makes a request on his own initiative, this is the bud of a sense of responsibility and an opportunity to cultivate the child's sense of responsibility. Let the children try boldly!

? Wash your hands and wet your clothes, just change them;

Wear it backwards, just help the child change it again;

The more you sweep the floor, the dirtier the floor is. We can sweep it again later. ...

Everything has to be paid to have a result, and these are the prices that children must pay for their learning responsibilities. In addition, we can also guide children to sum up experiences and lessons from repeated failures. Through repeated encouragement, children will certainly do these things well. Most importantly, children can experience the joy of success and their own value from these things, which further promotes the development of their sense of responsibility.

? Fourth, let children bear the consequences and be responsible for their own choices and actions.

Here are a few points to note:

1.？ Don't be cynical, don't hit people when they are down;

? For example, "I told you before, you have to listen!"

2.？ Don't fish in troubled waters

? For example, "you see, mom was right, so I will listen to her in the future!" " "

3.？ No help, no rescue;

If children have to play with toys at lunch time, you can tell them: I suggest you play after lunch because there is no food after lunch time. If the child insists, the parents will eat normally and clean up the dishes. When the children come over for dinner, they can calmly tell them: sorry, lunch time is over, and now there is no food to eat. Never prepare food for your child alone, or the child will think that it doesn't matter if you miss lunch, because there is food anyway.

Section III Effectively Avoiding Three Minefields

First, avoid inconsistency between words and deeds.

There is an effect in psychology called negative priming effect. Let's look at an experiment first:

Many people will blurt out: white.

Does it feel right?

It's time to say color

Longer?

Because of the different meanings and colors of words, people's thinking speed is inhibited, which is the negative priming effect in psychology. On the contrary, if we keep words and colors consistent, people will say colors much faster, which is the positive priming effect in psychology.

This tells us that what parents think, say and do in their daily lives should be consistent. Children are often taught to be responsible, but they are not serious and responsible for their work and family. This will have a negative priming effect, and children will be disturbed and confused, which is not conducive to the cultivation of a sense of responsibility.

Second,? Don't make excuses for the smallest thing.

It's raining and traffic jams today, which makes me late! Although you are serious about your work, a insincere complaint has reached the children's ears. Through this sentence, the child understood: I was late because of the rain and traffic jam. Being late has nothing to do with me. I'm not responsible for being late.

James Lehman, an American behavioral therapist, believes that there are three main reasons why children make excuses for their behavior:

1. Don't want to be scolded

I was late because I got up late. I told the teacher that it was because my mother didn't wake me up in time or there was a traffic jam on the road, all to avoid the teacher's criticism.

2. Don't want to bear the consequences

Whether it's punishment, reducing pocket money, or being asked to apologize, these are all things that children don't want to bear.

3. Don't want to be denied

"How come you can't even do this little thing well!" Think back, when the child did something wrong, as a parent, did you blurt out that sentence and throw it to the child? Then, in order not to be denied, the child will make excuses for himself and prove that it is not his own problem.

? After understanding these three points, no matter what the child does, he should keep calm, try not to scold the child or deny the child, and calmly analyze and discuss with the child. When parents can't scold or deny children, children will gain courage from their parents and feel that they are understood, so naturally they will be brave enough to bear the consequences.

Third,? Don't delegate power without a sense of boundaries.

While emphasizing the sense of boundary, it is really not contradictory to say that decentralization is given to children.

Walking on the street, we often see some areas circled in red, which tells us

Closed areas can't be stepped into, we will naturally abide by it, and we won't feel that this red line makes us not free. That sense of boundary is this red line, telling our children what to do and what not to do.

For example:

You must eat vegetables, but you can choose which color vegetables to eat;

You must go to bed at nine, but you can choose which picture book to read. Is it for dad or mom?

You must dress yourself, but you can choose which clothes to wear.

Finally, I recommend three picture books about responsibility:

My pet mammoth (4-6 years old)

The Story of Zhujiajian Island (4-6 years old)

Amo's sick leave (6- 10 years old)