Maybe you have seen other people's homes on social media and want to know if you meet the standards. This is the adult version of peer pressure. There was once a blogger who expressed her feelings like this:
I think all this is self-inflicted. It's like reading Martha Stewart's magazine, browsing those photos and appreciating those original ideas, from the layout of birthday parties to desserts to the decoration of Christmas elves. You can't help wishing you could do the same. If you can't, then you have no dexterity, far less than other mothers. I admit, I love looking at those photos, but I always feel inferior to others afterwards. I knew I wouldn't try at all, so I became more guilty. This is not only a clumsy problem, but also involves family activities, traditions and social expectations of parents. All this is exacerbated by social media.
With peer pressure from parents, so-called "super parents" came into being-they are not only perfect parents, but also great spouses and excellent employees, with spotless families, strong bodies and smiling faces forever.
Whenever their children have problems, some parents feel like losers. Parents set a high standard collectively, and no one can achieve such an ideal, so almost everyone feels that they are unqualified. Nevertheless, you need to know what kind of parents you are and what your goals are. I'm not saying how well you should do, but how you should take on the role of parents.
Recommended reading: Is parenting a mother's dereliction of duty? Although naughty, you are still good children!
In the early 1960s, Diana Baumrind, a psychologist, made an extensive investigation and found that parents' parenting styles can be mainly divided into three types. Thirty years later, Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin put forward the fourth parenting style based on Baumlaide's research.
Authoritarian parents want their children to obey their own rules unconditionally, and there is no room for bargaining and no explanation. Children who break the rules will be severely punished. Authoritarian parents expect their children to obey orders and not ask questions. Research shows that children raised by authoritarian parents can usually meet their parents' expectations, but they are unhappy and often have interpersonal problems.
Parents who pay equal attention to kindness and prestige will also ask their children to abide by their own rules, but they are more willing to explain why they should do so and discuss with their children to adapt them. Once a child violates the rules, it is considered a good opportunity for guidance, and explanation will be used instead of punishment. Parents who pay equal attention to kindness and prestige hope that their children can follow their own principles, but they also know that these principles are only a process. Children raised by parents who pay equal attention to kindness and prestige are the happiest, have the best social relations and have a greater chance of success in the future.
Laissez-faire parents are very tolerant of their children, often regard them as their peers or friends, rarely make rules for their children to abide by, and don't expect much from them. They will try their best to meet their children's needs and give them a lot of love regardless of the consequences. Children brought up by laissez-faire parents usually hate authority outside the family and do poorly in school.
Neglected parents do not bear the responsibility of raising their children, thinking that it is good for them to have food and shelter, and little training and guidance is given to them. Therefore, children of neglected parents often have problems of self-control and self-esteem when they grow up, and they are even more unhappy.
In addition to the above four kinds, there is also an extreme, the so-called helicopter parents. This is used to describe the kind of parents who are too involved in or protect their children's lives: they stare at their children's every move and always stay with them to prevent them from falling or getting hurt, and even help them with their homework. If teachers or other students affect children's self-esteem, they immediately rush to school to criticize. Chris Meno, a psychologist at Indiana University, said, "If you don't let children try and struggle by themselves, they will not know how to solve problems, have no confidence in their abilities and their self-esteem will be affected. If children are overprotected and don't know the taste of setbacks, they will become afraid of failure and disappoint others, and may fall into depression or anxiety in the future because of lack of self-confidence and fear of failure. 」
Looking at these parenting styles, you may say, "Obviously, I must be a kind and prestigious parent. In fact, it seems that children raised by parents whose kindness and reputation are equally important are more likely to have a happy and successful life. But you have to remember a few things: not everyone is suitable for this kind of upbringing. Parenting style is related to your growth process, background and environment. In addition, children may have special needs, which makes it difficult for you to adopt a parenting style that pays equal attention to kindness and prestige. Everyone is different, and so are our children.
Recommended reading: The most important thing about parenting is to be a firm parent.
Your kindness to each child, the autonomy you give them, and the time you spend with them are not necessarily the same. Your relationship will change with time. Children need different things at different stages of life, so you must be flexible and give them what they need when they need it. Education is like playing basketball. Every time you break through, you have to think of a new strategy. Sometimes it's best to make rules and insist that children obey them unconditionally. For example, when the child is very young, it involves safety issues, and your explanation may actually bring anxiety to the child.
I can't agree with neglected parenting and helicopter parents, so I skip it now. Perhaps the most natural way to raise children is the combination of the other three. If you force yourself to adopt a parenting style that is not in line with your personality, it may not be good for you or your children. You also need to know the other half's parenting style, because children will also be influenced by them.
This abstract is selected from the world culture "Let Children Fly: Don't Let Rigid System Kill Children's Future".
By Ken Robinson
A best-selling writer of education reform in the world and The New York Times, his speech "Does the school stifle creativity? Sitting on the throne of "the most listened to TED talk" for a long time. He is a consultant to many countries, enterprises, educational systems and cultural organizations, and his masterpiece Let Nature Be Free has been translated into 23 languages. The latest work is "Let Children Fly: Don't Let Rigid System Kill Children's Future"