You say yes, he says no, I'm telling you, he says no, no, that's right. You said this thing was really fresh, but he said it was nothing. I saw something even weirder.

Always beat each other in words and always show that you are more knowledgeable than others. I dare not say whether this kind of person is really awesome, but at least emotional intelligence is not as good as it is.

How tired it is to get along with such people, you can see a short story written by Wang Meng called eloquence.

This is a short story about a patient suffering from "eloquence" seeing a doctor. The doctor politely said to the patient, please sit down. The patient is unhappy: Why should I sit? Are you going to deprive me of the right not to sit?

I couldn't go on, and the doctor decided to change the subject to ease the atmosphere: it's a beautiful day today. As a result, the patient still refused to buy it and said: pure nonsense! Just because the weather here is good doesn't mean that the whole world is good today. For example, in the Arctic, the weather is bad today, the wind is blowing, and icebergs are hitting in the long night …

The doctor explained: when I say the weather is fine today, I usually mean local, not global. Everyone understands this! Results The patient retorted: Is everyone's understanding necessarily correct? Do people think that what is right must be right?

An important part of seeing a doctor is asking a doctor. He always takes an uncooperative and confrontational attitude, and the doctor can't see him at all. He retorted eloquently, but forgot the really important purpose of his visit.

When a person always wants to excel others in words, the purpose of his speech is no longer to communicate, but to defeat others.

0 1

A talkative person is isolated from others.

I have a friend who is almost an eloquent patient.

He always has an inscrutable expression on his face when he reads The Story of Chipa, no matter what theory the debater says on the court. You asked him what he thought of the debater's point of view, and he said that none of them mentioned my point of view. You asked him what his opinion was, and he made a lot of remarks, which made you a little confused.

The same is true in life. He reflexively questioned, refuted and looked for loopholes. He attacks and sophistries, always trying to surpass others. He is clever, articulate, always resolute and aggressive, just like a fighting cock, and will not stop until he corners the other side.

I have heard his description of the same thing on many different occasions, but it is actually the opposite.

He went to an interview with a well-developed company close to home and said that he still had to be close to home to take care of it. A friend chatted with him and said that he wanted to change his job close to home, so he spoke loudly, saying that the pace of work was so fast, the transportation was convenient, and it didn't matter whether he was near or not.

I used to think that he was the legendary "double-standard dog" and had a set of standards for himself and others. But it turns out that he is not. He just likes the feeling of winning and giving guidance to each other. The essence of communication is not important to him, but the pleasure of refuting the other party's point of view.

A passage from Locke, a British philosopher, in On Educational Films:

"The real purpose and purpose of reasoning is to obtain the correct concept about things, make correct judgments about things, distinguish between true and false, right and wrong, and act accordingly. Then, don't let your son grow up in the technology and form of debate ... don't let him envy others. Unless you really don't want him to be a capable person, but to be an insignificant bicker, you are stubborn in arguing with others and proud of refuting others. What's more, you doubt everything and think that you can't find anything like truth in the argument, you can only find victory. "

Bernard Shaw once said: "If you have an apple and I have an apple, exchange them, and each of us still has only one apple;" If you have an idea, I have an idea, and exchange with each other, each of us will have two ideas, even more than two. "

What is communication? It is a two-way communication and exchange of ideas. But when a person just wants to prove that he is right, you have an idea, I have an idea, exchange with each other, and there is still only one idea. This kind of communication will not enrich the mind, but will only make the mind more and more barren.

We should discuss for real knowledge, not to overwhelm others. A true communicator of ideas should be humble. They actively seek consensus and are willing to admit their own shortcomings. For them, refuting others is not the most important thing, but gaining a clearer understanding is more valuable.

What is a good communicator? As Eckhart Tolley said in The Power of the Present, "They can express their thoughts clearly and firmly, but they don't have to attack and defend."

02

The desire to win is a relationship killer.

I used to be annoyed because I couldn't communicate with the friend mentioned above.

According to Cai Kangyong, Cai Kangyong told a career story. High flyers, a graduate of a first-class university, is knowledgeable and eloquent. Every time the department has a meeting, his boss will ask for his advice. He gave a speech in Kan Kan and had many ideas, which were appreciated by the bosses.

It's a pity that nobody likes him. When things need to be coordinated, people from other departments are rarely willing to cooperate with him, and people from the same department are not willing to accompany him to the front.

He is actually excellent, but the problem is that he likes to crush others in IQ, eloquence and ability. When he disagrees with other people's opinions, he always silences them. People who have suffered from him verbally are looking forward to his embarrassment.

In intimate relationships, there are even fewer winners.

There are too many places where two people fall in love and seek common ground while reserving differences. From where to date to where to develop in the future, every problem may be a contradiction maker and needs to be solved again and again.

At this time, if two people don't negotiate on this matter, but for the sake of who is right and who is wrong as a whole, girls will fight for "you don't listen to me, you don't love me" and boys will fight for "how can you listen to girls in everything", then all problems will become big contradictions. Every time the differences are so big that the girls force the other side to bow their heads and admit their mistakes, and the boys insist on arguing about right and wrong, so big that they do nothing but quarrel.

Why bother?

The significance of communication lies in solving contradictions, not in the battle for victory or defeat in words. No one will give in in words, so the existence of "communication" can only kill the feelings in intimate relationships and the friendship in cooperative relationships a little. Win-win becomes lose-lose, just to make the other side lose money.

But after all, there is no way to get rid of emotions in our communication. Effective communication must first deal with other people's emotions. No one likes to be questioned, opposed, attacked and forced to admit mistakes.

I especially agree with the words "a spoiled woman has the best life" and "a spoiled man has the best life". They are mildly persuasive.

You will say, no matter right or wrong, communication will always form a solution. Whose point of view is more influenced by this solution, and who won?

If both sides negotiate something constructively, then the attitude must be moderate. And if it is to beat each other, it will often produce a pattern of confrontation.

For example, who will wash the dishes between husband and wife.

Couples who can solve conflicts constructively will first find a consensus that both sides agree that both husband and wife should undertake housework. Then discuss a plan acceptable to both parties, and clarify the obligations: for example, the person in charge of cooking does not have to wash the dishes, or the person in charge of washing the dishes does not have to cook, or the wife washes the dishes for one day and the husband washes the dishes for two days.

But if the goal of both sides is to beat each other, they will spare no effort to prove that the other side should do more dishes. First, it's worse, and recently it's harder than who; Than credit, than who pays for the family; Then expose shortcomings, turn over old accounts, and list the unsatisfactory things one by one; Finally, it escalated into a personal attack, labeling the other party as selfish, lazy, not virtuous, inconsiderate and without family responsibility.

But what's the point of doing this? No matter how miserable, no matter how meritorious, no matter how short-lived, no matter how personal attacks are particularly hurtful, but after hurting each other, the problem of washing dishes has not been decided. Even if one party compromised that day, the problem of washing dishes will still become the fuse of contradictions at any time in later life.

03

Never forget the real purpose of communication.

People always have a natural desire to be superior, and no one is willing to give up; People always have a desire to be recognized, so when someone questions it, they can't help but refute it. These are normal reactions.

But man is still a higher creature, so we should properly handle the disharmony between nature and purpose in interpersonal relationships. What do we communicate with others for?

Is to solve a contradictory problem.

Always outperforming others in words is the lowest emotional intelligence I have ever seen. If you meet such a person, you may wish to guide ta as much as possible without hurting the principle, so that he will not forget how to solve a practical problem.