His son, a sophomore aged 17, is 1.8 meters tall, with a hunchback and a head. He was in a daze all day, just wanting to sleep, having no motivation to do anything, and his grades were in a mess. Went to a mental hospital and was diagnosed with depression.
He found it incredible that he worked so hard to achieve today's achievements. He is such a good role model, so why didn't his children learn anything? And he has always been very demanding of his children. How a child became like this is a mystery.
He said he was afraid of children. He is spoiled and idle, and he doesn't know how to make progress, so he has been strict since he was a child, giving him frustration education and training his resistance to setbacks. Unexpectedly, children are so unworthy.
I asked him, how did you cultivate his ability to resist setbacks? How to give him frustration education?
He said that the conditions at home are good, and he is worried that the child will develop a bad habit of spending money lavishly, and try to give it to him as little as possible. Give him what he wants, give him what he really wants, and promise some conditions to get what he wants. Before he graduated from primary school, he had almost no pocket money.
If you behave well and study well, praise him less for fear of his pride. If I am proud of a small achievement, I will remind him that I am not proud. He also found many things worth learning by his peers, helping him discover and analyze the advantages of others.
Watching TV, playing electronic products and making friends are strictly controlled for fear that he will get into bad habits. My mother accompanied me when I went out. We have worked out a timetable for him.
We really put a lot of effort into his education, so I really can't accept this situation at present. This child is so disappointing to me, disappointing. I think his depression is fake, just to be lazy.
I said, this is not frustration education, you just beat him up.
You may have misunderstood the frustration education.
Let the child be frustrated and degraded in the relationship, let him not get what he wants easily, and let him feel that he is not good, not free, and not worthy of trust and appreciation.
This is not frustration education. This is a kind of frustration and trauma. Its function is to make people suffer. It will take a lot of time to repair it in the future.
I really can't think of any passion for it, and I don't know where it can improve business frustration. How can it be educational?
If the person you love hits you every day, he can give you what you want, but he won't. No matter how well you do, you won't be praised. He always compares you with others, and everything you do must be under his strict control.
Do you think this person is giving you frustration education, and then you will become particularly depressed and positive?
If you don't want to be abused, you will tell him to go away.
Because we don't think it's good to be with such people and feel useless. We have a deep sense of powerlessness and frustration.
Wilde said, "Anyone can sympathize with a friend's misfortune, but it takes a very good nature to absorb a friend who is proud of the spring breeze."
This sentence applies equally to parents and children. Many parents can't tolerate a successful child.
Happiness is a separate force, which makes us feel that we have lost control of our children. I feel that I have lost my role and my parents' position.
Only when children have many problems and are very sad can we show our ability to solve problems, feel the efforts of parents and show our care and support.
I told him seriously that you didn't get a worse child, and he just wanted to fulfill your prestige as a father. Maybe no matter how you treat him, he thinks you are a successful and capable father. He will try his best to keep this good impression. He paid a lot for it.
He listened and froze. It means my words are hard to digest. Then he asked me doubtfully, is it all my fault? Did I do something wrong?
I said, it may be hard for you to accept, but you can take it back and think about it.
I really want to tell him that maybe a hard-working father just wants to relax, be lazy, sleep and rest, and do nothing. This part of his needs was suppressed by him and projected on the children. The children accepted this projection, and they completed their own projection recognition.
I think this content is even more unacceptable to him.
Fairbairn said that when children are abused by their parents, they often think they are bad, so as to maintain their parents' good image.
Because I am not good, my parents are good to me, and it is understandable to be good to me, because my parents are good.
Why are children depressed? Because he doesn't want to face another reality. Maybe I am fine and deserve to be treated well, so my parents did something wrong.
If his parents do something wrong, it means that his parents' idealized image is shattered, which means that he has to face the loss of his ideal object. This is a very painful thing, in order not to face these things. He will always think that he is bad, he is bad, and everything he gets is bad for a reason. He hates himself because he doesn't want to hate his parents.
When we artificially create setbacks for our children, let them feel that they don't deserve good things, praise and affirmation, love and happiness.
We have created an inferior, cowardly and unhappy child.
This may be the child that many parents want in their hearts or subconsciously. Because such children seem to need the support and care of their parents too much, and there are too many difficulties for their parents to solve.
This is not so much frustration education as poisoning children.
The real frustration education is to let him tell him two things in the face of external competition, pressure, failure and frustration:
First, you will support him and accept his bad side. He can be weak and helpless. Tell him it's part of our lives. Don't be afraid of what we have done badly, and don't be ashamed of it, but we are responsible for it.
Second, tell him to establish a positive connection with every failure, lesson and setback. For example, there is another saying about setbacks, which is trial and error, experience and growth. We should turn every setback into our experience value to help us do better next time.
Everyone's life is full of setbacks, even if we don't need any artificial efforts from our parents. Whether you like it or not, setbacks will always come.
What we want to see is that when setbacks come. Children have the courage to face setbacks, the wisdom to turn setbacks into experiences and the energy to melt negative emotions in adversity.
Children's courage, wisdom and energy need to come from their parents, but many children can't get these, but they get a lot of setbacks from their parents. When children behave badly, they not only humiliate their IQ, but even their personality.
Therefore, many children have long felt that they have no advantage, no ability and can't do anything well. They have long lost their ability to resist setbacks. Because they were defeated by their parents.