Xia Chuan

1, "I'm doing it for your own good"

Expectation and expectation are parents' beautiful expectations for their children's future. Because when I was a child, my parents won a stable family environment through hard struggle. In the past, their parents' emotional and material poverty made them swear never to let their children suffer again.

So a group of parents who advertised that "everything I do is for your own good" gave their children the way and direction to move forward. Parents are eagerly looking forward to, looking forward to, looking forward to their children going further and further on the already set road, unable to stop and choose another road. However, those expectations stifle children's spiritual freedom, and the hateful executioner "expectation" is stifling one free life after another.

Once upon a time, words representing good wishes became disgusting, disgusting and disgusting. The expectation that was once lost in the sacredness has now become an accomplice for parents to stifle their children's spiritual freedom.

"I did it for your own good, you know?" "Do you know how much I expect of you?" "I hope you can have a good job in the future." "If you don't listen to me, you will suffer in the future." "I do this in the hope that you will succeed in the future." ..... all kinds of things, in short, all my (parents') arrangements are for your (children's) good. You should be an obedient boy and firmly follow the path set by me (parents). But no one has ever considered children's feelings and listened to their thoughts. Always rudely use "I hope you …" "I have such great expectations for you, but you …" to block all the arguments and words of children. It seems that as long as the child deviates from the track preset by his parents, even if it is just an excuse, it is a heinous criminal and a rebellious child.

Because of expectation, for your own good, parents should set everything, not puppy love, not making friends casually, not having privacy and self-space;

Because of expectations, for your own good, parents should enroll their children in various cram schools and interest classes in winter and summer vacations, and there will be no weekends and holidays.

Because of expectation, for your own good, parents do everything for you. As children, they only need clothes to reach out and eat, which saves a lot of time in practicing piano, calligraphy and guitar … and mastering all 18 kinds of martial arts ….

Because of expectation, for your own good, children just need to turn a deaf ear to things outside the window and concentrate on their studies. Every time I get good grades, I will give my parents the greatest comfort and gift.

Because of expectations, for your own good, children are "young and white-haired, and the world praises them for reading." Physical and mental fatigue, broken silver teeth, won the parents a smile. "

If you also choose not to be optimistic, can children choose not to be optimistic?

2. The deeper the expectation, the greater the harm.

The expectation of family members is an invisible shackle, urging children to work hard for their desired goals. No matter how many setbacks and hardships they encounter, they always support them. The only achievement children have achieved is their pride and flaunting capital. Of course, this is understandable. Which parent is not proud of the Excellence of their children? After all, it is also a responsibility for children to study hard and get good grades.

However, sometimes, high expectations do great harm to parents and children. Every child wants to resist, break these chains that seem good to you, and be an indulgent and rebellious child. However, someone succeeded. They are rebellious and disobedient, and their confrontation with their parents is increasing day by day, even turning into a big fight. The image of some people's good children has penetrated into the hearts of every relative and passerby, and has become the best example of sharp contrast with other people's children. Cut constantly, the reason is still chaotic, but tears flow forward. A good boy's mask may be worn for a lifetime, but it will be followed by more masks.

3. Two different lives

We can try to imagine the future of rebels and good children.

Rebellious children will look forward to their children as their parents look forward to themselves when they grow up. It can be said that this is a cycle, a repetition and repetition of history. When they were young, they rebelled against their parents, did not study, were disobedient, were incompetent and had poor jobs (of course, some of them were big bosses). They have suffered too much for themselves, and then repent after becoming parents, hoping that their children will not repeat the same mistakes and hope that they will grow up step by step according to their own path. The story is like this, monotonous and repetitive, just like a movie. Of course, some people have jumped out of this circle. I can only say happily: congratulations, you finally got rid of the shackles that suffocate you.

Good children may be more sad. There is a world of difference between the inner self and the outer self. Once a good boy wears a mask, I don't know how long it will last. They suffer in their hearts every day, and some people may be used to this lifestyle with a good boy mask. However, once something breaks out, the hard good boy mask is blown up and the real side is exposed, and the good boy will bring us subversive cognition, which is incredible.

In addition, good children will have all kinds of troubles when they grow up, such as failing in exams, not finding a good job, not doing well enough, not being excellent enough, and not meeting their parents' expectations. Therefore, a good boy is afraid of failure, too many things he doesn't want to try, no desire, no pursuit. Only in this way can he avoid failure and maintain the Excellence of "seeking failure alone" To put it bluntly, a good boy has been doing what he doesn't want to do but has to do all his life. Sometimes even if a good boy does something that a good boy should not do, no one will believe that he did it. Because a good boy never deviates from the path set by his parents and leads directly to the other side of "success", with perfect morality and sound personality. It should be noted that where the sun shines, there is still darkness, and behind perfection, there must be flaws that can be broken at one blow.

How much children want to get rid of the kidnapping of expectation, get rid of the shackles of spirit, pursue spiritual freedom, release their own nature and grow up happily in a democratic family soil. Parents, don't always say "for your own good", don't put all expectations on their children's immature shoulders, and don't turn expectations into kidnapping their children's happiness and freedom. Please give them a free and healthy mind and a happy and colorful childhood.

4. How to conduct family education?

Since expectation can't be a shackle, what should parents do in family education? If I want to avoid this situation, I must first understand the source of expectations. First, expectation is human nature, human nature, and we can't give up or destroy it (what we are talking about now is the general situation). Second, parents' expectations of their children are actually the projection of their own scenes on their children. For example, almost all parents did not get good grades in childhood, or eventually dropped out of school. They will pin their hopes on their children and hope that they will achieve excellent results. It can be said that the growth of their children is the continuation of their childhood dreams. Even those parents with high academic qualifications and excellent grades apply the mode of parents' education to their children's education, and pin this hope on their children, hoping that their children will study as hard as themselves and reach their own height. Because once children fail to reach or are too inferior to their parents, they will face all kinds of gossip and ridicule. So expectation was born, and it became stronger and stronger.

Secondly, knowing the source and psychological mechanism of expectations, we can do this in family education:

First, expectations cannot be erased, and it is forbidden to end. Then parents should control the degree of expectation, and everything has a degree. Once it exceeds the level, it will hurt the other party if it is too late. Such examples can be found everywhere in the book Why Family Hurts People, especially in real life. For example, a parent has extremely reduced the rest time of his children and used it for various training classes and cram schools. Finally, their young son turned gray. The degree of control requires parents to learn some teaching theories, learn how to communicate with children, and learn to help children plan their future reasonably.

Second, family education should create a democratic environment. Democracy is an extremely important factor in family education. Psychologist Nolte said, "If a child lives in a critical environment, he will learn to blame; If a child lives in a hostile environment, he learns to fight; If a child lives in an environment of ridicule, he learns to be embarrassed; If a child lives in a humiliating environment, he learns to feel guilty; If a child lives in a tolerant environment, he learns to be patient; If a child lives in an encouraging environment, he learns to be confident; If a child lives in an environment of praise, he will learn to improve his status; If a child lives in a fair environment, he will learn justice; If a child lives in a safe environment, he learns to trust others; If a child lives in an approved environment, he learns to love himself; If a child lives in a mutually recognized and friendly environment, he will learn to find love in this world. " Therefore, parents can't monopolize all kinds of problems and don't give their children a chance to defend themselves. Especially when children have problems in their studies and have differences with their parents, parents should never say these abusive words-"I did it for your own good, you know?" "Do you know how much I expect of you?" "I hope you can have a good job in the future." "If you don't listen to me, you will suffer in the future." "I do this in the hope that you will succeed in the future." These are the main obstacles to communication. As long as parents say it, most children will give up and stop arguing, because in their hearts, they think that "mom and dad don't understand me and never consider my feelings." Once this happens, the child will have two extremes. One is to fight to the end, and the other is to understand your parents, be an obedient child and obey the arrangement. In fact, the inner dissatisfaction of a good boy is only suppressed, just waiting for the day when the fuse breaks out. Therefore, the creation of a family democratic environment can enable parents to listen to their children's voices, understand their thoughts and needs, and let their children grow up healthily and happily, instead of turning their parents' expectations into shackles.

Chinese-style parents have devoted too much effort to their children, placed too many expectations and placed deep expectations, but failed to grasp the degree of expectations and handle the democratic relationship of equal communication with their children, resulting in some morbid expectations, which made their children lose their happy childhood and healthy psychology. These are all things that parents need to learn.