How will you "handle" your child's "puppy love"?

Emotional cognition and sexual desensitization are two important things that are seriously missing in our education.

Photo: The movie "Heartbeat" is an excellent movie, and all parents should watch and discuss it with their children.

In China, are there parents who are not worried about the "puppy love" of adolescent children?

I think, don't say absolutely not, but parents who don't have such worries must account for a very small proportion, and the absolute majority regard "puppy love" as a scourge.

But I have always wondered, what is the concept of "puppy love"? How early is it?

Baidu Encyclopedia explains this-puppy love refers to underage men and women establishing love relationships or being interested in the same sex or different sex, infatuation or secret love. The word "puppy love" has the negative emotional color of elders, and it is widely used in the world only in Chinese mainland. Puppy love generally refers to the love between teenagers who have not entered college, especially the love between primary and secondary school students.

Then, someone asked: "If you judge whether it is puppy love by entering the university, a child of 14 years old is in love, of course you are puppy love when you go to middle school;" If you go to college and become a young college student, isn't that puppy love? "-obviously, the logic of Baidu Encyclopedia is very imprecise.

There is no word "puppy love" in Wikipedia, only "adolescent love"-refers to the behavior that teenagers establish love relationships with others or have love for others. Chinese mainland is often called puppy love. In fact, the word "puppy love" does not exist in quality-oriented education countries and some exam-oriented education countries. Perhaps it is because the educational atmosphere in quality-oriented education countries is more scientific and rational. Most westerners think that it is very incomprehensible for China schools to restrict students' love.

There is a saying in the west that refers to adolescent love: puppy love. The explanation of Wikipedia is translated as follows: puppy love (also known as infatuation, calf love and kitten love) is an informal term used to describe romantic love and platonic love in childhood and adolescence. This word can be regarded as derogatory. Compared with other forms of love, puppy love is likely to be shallow and short-lived. However, Freud never underestimated the power of puppy love. He said: The feeling of first love is notoriously persistent.

In my personal dictionary, there is no word "puppy love", love is love, no matter day or night; Love is innocent, only the possibility of being suitable or inappropriate.

However, as the mother of a child in China, I can't help but see my parents' fear of "puppy love".

From family to school to society, it is the view and practice of most people to regard "puppy love" as a scourge, and we must take precautions to nip everything in the bud. Furthermore, people are nervous, uneasy and suspicious, abusing their power to invade children's private space, ignoring boundaries, ignoring children's subjectivity and individual dignity, checking children's mobile phones, IPAD and computers, stealing passwords and stealing children's social space. These are all things that happen every day.

What are these China parents and teachers afraid of?

There is an answer on Zhihu that is particularly interesting:

China's logic is, of course, "learning is the most important thing". The typical teaching in China is like this: you have limited energy, how much attention can you pay to study when you think about falling in love every day, how to get into a good university if you don't study, how to find a good job if you don't get into a good university, and how to get a girl to marry you without a good job?

Strangely, although it is said that "learning is the most important thing", if you are still studying for a degree at the age of 25 or 26, and you are not looking for a job or an object, the rhetoric around you will immediately change: What's the use of reading so many books? Hurry up and think about your lifelong events!

Another ironic fact is that such a country that emphasizes "focusing on learning" has no more than five books every year, ranking among the best in the world-the bottom!

Do people in China really attach so much importance to learning? After a little exploration, it is not difficult to find that the "academic priority" is actually a "stage theory" and a naked purpose orientation, so this is not just a problem of "puppy love".

As far as "reading" is concerned, its meaning is as a stepping stone to find a job, so when you work, you can throw it away; A good job is a stepping stone to high income. ...

China people seem to think that every stage of life has an unusually clear core goal, and they always live for this goal with the determination to sacrifice everything: study before the age of 20, find a job after the age of 20, buy a house after finding a job, get married, have children after marriage, and then arrange for him to study, find a job, get married and have children, and then get busy with health care and eat various health care products to try to live longer.

If you don't follow this routine, for example, you should fall in love when you are studying, start a business when you are in college, go to Gap Year when you are looking for a job, say that you should struggle from your parents when you buy a house, and concentrate on your studies when you get married. You are absurd, childish and irresponsible. I don't have a son like you. Get out of here

There is a more direct answer:

Son, you are so naive. Teachers and elders who oppose puppy love are illogical. They just use their power to arbitrarily deprive the weak of their freedom. Strength, not logic, is the logic of the strong.

So what are their reasons against puppy love (attention, not logic)?

On the surface, they claim that puppy love affects learning. But this reason is not sufficient. If you want to refute it, it will be a piece of cake. In reality, there are also students who have puppy love but their grades have not dropped.

In my opinion, love is not only a sign of a person's physical maturity, but also a sign of a person's spiritual world becoming mature and independent. Minors in China live under the supervision of their parents and teachers all day and have little personal space. But once you start to fall in love, it means that he and she start to be alone in a private space. This private space is not only physical, but also spiritual, and parents and teachers simply cannot monitor it. They oppose puppy love, the most fundamental reason is out of fear of this monitoring blind spot.

For parents, due to the close relationship between generations in China society, it is generally believed that the older generation has an obligation to their children's education, buying a house, getting married and other major events. A child with excellent academic performance and successful career and a filial spouse will reduce their troubles and economic pressure. Therefore, they also think it is necessary to monitor children.

In addition, many parents' desire for control is also a factor that has to be considered. We can find that parents who are strictly opposed to puppy love often emphasize the influence of puppy love on learning. But in fact, such parents are not necessarily the parents who are most concerned about their children's grades, but they must be the parents who have the strictest control over all aspects of their children.

For teachers, only by monitoring students around the clock can we achieve all-round management of students and improve their performance (that is, teachers' work performance) (of course, whether this management method is effective is debatable, but many teachers are convinced).

—— Zhihu user Wang Yilin

Of course, I know that Zhihu's two answers are true-such as utilitarian stage theory, teleology, teachers' desire for control and so on. But as the mother of an adolescent child, I also know that parents are worried about more than that.

Worried that puppy love will lead to children's unintentional study, affect their grades, and affect the college entrance examination that most parents in China value most, which is definitely one of the important reasons; It is a big worry for parents to worry that their children are not "sensible" and cause troubles that they can't take responsibility for-for example, a girl is pregnant and a series of problems that follow.

But this brings out another very important educational problem, which is seriously missing in the current reality: sex education. Sex education is a big topic. Find another time to write an article. Today I only say "puppy love".

Thanks to the good parent-child relationship built since childhood, my daughter and I basically talk about everything, so I can know the stories of classmates she knew since childhood.

When my daughter entered the public school, I found a ridiculous phenomenon: the phenomenon of "puppy love", which scares most parents, is so common that it is the normal state of students and an open secret among children!

It's not surprising to think about it! People need love and warmth, understanding and recognition. However, the current education can't support the spiritual world that children really need. Most teachers don't have to talk about it, and parents are likely to only look at learning-grades.

I met my elders and children on the bus countless times. No matter my parents or grandparents, the chat content is basically only study and grades. Elders blame their children for not doing as well as others' children, making mistakes in an exam, and how many questions are not finished in the cram school. The children either lowered their heads impatiently or retorted angrily. The older the child is, the greater the probability of neglect, but the younger one can still retain some willingness and ability to argue.

Every time I see such a situation, I sympathize with those children and want to ask my elders: Is there only textbooks and grades in life? Can't you really find a wonderful topic that children in this world like to share and discuss?

In such a state of life, it is conceivable how painful, lonely and even dry the hearts of those children who are not understood and recognized.

It is human nature to hold a group to keep warm. Without the warmth of family, the recognition of parents and the understanding of teachers, it is not surprising to find spiritual support from peers. It is no wonder that "puppy love" is so common because of the help of parents, the promotion of soup and the role of adolescent hormones.

Like a guilty man?

Huang Lei said, "If my daughter 15 is in love, I think it's normal. My name is not puppy love. Love is love. She is in adolescence and knows nothing about the seeds of love. I think it's beautiful. The word (puppy love) is an asshole. "

Really, the word "puppy love" is really an asshole TA not only hurts children, but even misleads many parents because of its derogatory meaning.

Most parents who oppose puppy love will admit that "love is a beautiful emotion", but they don't know that this period of love in adolescence can be a classroom for children to learn how to get along with the opposite sex, what is respect, how to compromise, how to refuse, and what is responsibility; Then get to know yourself and others, and even help them establish a concept of mate selection and outlook on life-don't worry that talking about the concept of mate selection too early will make children fall in love too early.

Love needs to learn. Choosing the right life partner and learning to choose is an ability and also needs to be learned. Children are forbidden to study today, and they are forced to get married and have children immediately after they are 22 years old. This is the real absurdity!

A few days ago, my daughter saw a crow film review (the name was forgotten). In the short film attached to the film review, a 13-year-old American child naturally talked to his parents about his lover. The daughter smiled and said, "In America, it seems normal to fall in love at the age of thirteen. In China, this is totally unimaginable, and parents will not accept it-well, you may be different. However, I don't think about these things at all now I just want to work hard to get my grades up and make a lot of money. I want to prepare for studying abroad. "

Yes, my daughter understands that I am different from the parents of most of her classmates. She knows that I can accept all her conditions, only discuss the events with her on the basis of facts, share my thoughts and opinions, and finally give her the right to choose.

And her values are already in the process of forming. She knows what she needs and what her goal is. She has met many people and things different from her peers.

The first time I felt the seeds of my daughter's love was more than a year ago, when I saw a pair of eyes that would glow when chasing a certain figure.

For me, my daughter is a child who can't hide her words. After a few days of silence, one night on the way home, my daughter asked me with some fear and shyness, "Mom, did you like someone when you were my age?"

I immediately understood what she wanted to say and answered frankly, "Yes!"

"What happened later?"

"Can have what? Not since graduation! "

"So! Too boring! " The daughter sighed, paused, seemed to hesitate, and then shyly asked, "Do you think I have someone I like?"

Ha ha! What's hard to guess?

Listening to her whisper to me about her feelings, I don't think about how terrible "puppy love" is, but how to teach her to learn to respect herself, protect herself and abide by the boundaries. The feelings of children of this age are more just vague affection for the opposite sex and longing for love, which is far from real life!

For the next period of time, I listened to my children's voices patiently while sitting still, and joined the discussion of spouse selection in the chat process, so that children could experience the responsibilities of family members based on real daily life.

I have experienced a failed marriage myself, and my daughter lived a depressed family life. After the divorce, she was able to handle the relationship with her father more and more calmly and rationally, and the family atmosphere became more and more peaceful, quiet and happy, which actually made her realize the influence of values on specific life.

My relationship with her father became a very good discussion material. I took this opportunity to guide her to observe the marriage and family of her friends, especially male friends, and the influence of their respective personalities on the family happiness index.

My daughter has to undertake housework that matches her ability since she was a child, which makes her know that real life is trivial and complicated, hard and difficult, and it is very tired and unfair for a person to undertake all housework.

It didn't take long for this discussion, and Er summed up the appearance of the right person in her mind:

First of all, values should be the same, or at least similar. Life without common topics is too boring, opinions are always at odds, and life will not go on (the ending of her father and me); Personality should be cheerful, have communication skills, and always fight stomach lawsuits, tired; Basic living habits cannot be too different, otherwise, it is not easy to change; Diligent, willing to share housework. The key is not whether you can do it, but more importantly, you have to be willing to do it. Being able to do and not being able to do are essentially the same, or even worse. ...

In the whole process, I didn't say a word to deny and attack anyone or anything, whether it was for this matter or for the boy, including for Al. Before long, the little girl herself had no feelings for this person. Because, compared with some of her own views, the gap is obviously quite far.

I have had some such experiences. After the daughter returns to the school in the system, she often meets the lesbian community to discuss whether she will become ugly after giving birth and whether her husband will abandon herself. Parents should not be surprised to see this. This is really the norm for middle school students and even senior primary school students. Or because I won't put pressure on my children. I've heard children say many things that are out of line in their parents' minds. From these conversations, I can clearly see the influence of the current social and cultural atmosphere on children, especially girls.

Hearing these words, Al felt funny, whispered that they were naive, and cracked down on classmates' similar remarks in a joking way.

So, I was not surprised when Er told me that she was confessed.

Knowing what she really thinks, I learned to refuse and thought about how to help her minimize the harm to others. I must consider each other's feelings and self-esteem, but I must learn to be decisive and brave.

This is not an easy task, but it is a course that all children must learn. Cases of injury caused by improper handling abound. Jiangge, who was killed in Japan, is the extreme victim of this kind of incident-don't think that your children in primary and secondary schools are far away from these things, and this kind of incident has never been less in campus malignant cases. There is no need to talk to children deliberately, but when children encounter similar situations, it is a good opportunity to discuss and learn.

Being confessed has given your daughter two important learning opportunities.

The first time was to discuss what is "the right thing, not people"

After the little boy was rejected, his best friend came out and gave it to some difficult children. My son was a little angry at that time, and she was relieved after telling me about it. What we are discussing is: Can we help our friends "tie" unprincipled just because we have a good relationship? Is it essential to love friends or is it easier to hurt friends? What is right and wrong, what is right and wrong, and how can we do it?

The second is to think about why there are so many students "puppy love". What kind of children are more prone to puppy love?

Al's conclusion is: "Mom, old people don't understand them. He only talks about study. Scold when you meet something, and fight. He only finds warmth among his classmates. There are also poor academic performance, teachers are embarrassed, can not get a sense of accomplishment, do not want to learn, to find spiritual sustenance. They just need to find a boyfriend and girlfriend. In fact, they still found love and warmth. " -This passage should be read in Sichuan dialect.

I smiled: "My second teacher said before that you might fall in love early, because I had a failed marriage, and it is not excluded that you will find spiritual comfort among male students."

The daughter smiled and put her hands on her cheeks and made a lovely face: "No, no, I have you, and I have a godmother! I can get enough love from you, enough, no need to look outside! "

After talking about it for a while, she added, "What I want now is to study hard and get good grades!" Do you know that?/You know what? After the monthly exam, I was very sad to know my class ranking 15. I've never been in the top three, but actually I'm behind the top ten. Even if I am abandoned, I will at least be in the top ten. This is the minimum requirement I give myself. I have no mind to think about it at all. Besides, these boys are not the kind I admire. "

Yes, this incident made Al adjust her concept of mate selection, adding a new one: to appreciate each other and to "understand" each other, otherwise, she may still be unable to understand each other.

I know many parents envy their daughters and tell me everything.

In fact, it is not difficult for children to tell you everything. Parents should always remember this sentence: the edge of a person's speech lies not in the speaker, but in the listener. Only when the child feels safe, won't be hit, won't be lectured, won't be denied, can he talk to you about everything.

Back to how to get along with children, in the process of continuous learning, I summed up what I think is the most important point: always remind myself not to forget my love and hate, loneliness and loneliness, pain and happiness when I was young.

I will constantly reflect on my parents' words and deeds that hurt me, and I will definitely do the opposite to my children-it must be admitted that my parents were extremely enlightened and tolerant at that time, and I also had an absolutely democratic, equal and free childhood and adolescence among my peers, but due to the limitations of the times, some pains in my growing up still affect me today-that is, I always remind myself not to hurt my daughter as much as possible.

If parents have not forgotten their boyhood, they should still remember the heartache of childhood.

Loving someone is not a mistake, let alone a crime. What is possible may not be appropriate. And feelings, also really can't kill, can't stop. More than 2,000 years ago, Li Bingye understood that it is sparse but not blocked, and so is puppy love in adolescence.

Give children unconditional love and acceptance, let them feel warm and understanding, and do not need to go outside the family to find love; Through benign communication, helping children manage their emotions and learn to deal with them is an indispensable and important link in the growth of teenagers.

Of course, in this process, sex education must keep up.

Sex education should be carried out as soon as possible (I gave sex education classes to children in kindergarten). With the advent of adolescence, menarche for girls and nocturnal emission for boys mean that the body is gradually mature, and the common educational knowledge related to pregnancy and its possible consequences should be shared with children in time.

Always remember that sex education is not to make children contact with sex, but to dispel children's curiosity, remove the mystery and shame of sex, desensitize children to sex, learn to accept themselves, love themselves and respect themselves and others, so as to protect themselves and others.

There is a saying that I firmly believe: how calm our hearts are, the more natural we are to treat sex. Of course, this is another big topic, let's talk about it another day.

Heartbeat: A movie that all parents should watch and discuss with their children.

Is this Moss? Thank you for your appreciation and encouragement.

End?

Text: Moss. Editor: Moss