"Chinese mothers either put the status of emotional intelligence training far behind IQ and health, or even if they realize the importance of emotional intelligence, they don't know where to start. Emotional intelligence is acquired and can be cultivated, but it is never learned by reading books or taking exams, but it should be cultivated from an early age, especially in the emotional intelligence formation period of 0-6 years old. "

This is what the editor said in the preface of the Chinese translation of Reading Children as Books just published a few days ago.

First of all, correct a mistake in concept expression: "EQ" can only be "improved" but not "cultivated". "EQ" is not a concrete thing, but a number used to evaluate the overall psychological quality of individuals. There are at least dozens of factors that affect the level of EQ. These factors interact with each other, affecting individual psychological activities and determining the ups and downs of emotions in a certain situation, whether positive or negative, rather than how you want it to develop. Therefore, it can't be a specific behavior that can be "forced" to change.

How to read children like a book was published by American child psychologist Professor Lynn Weiss, 1997. Through long-term research, she summed up 4 1 kinds of "problem behaviors" that children often appear. These behaviors are directly related to parents' parenting styles, and among them, lack of trust, lack of self-confidence, lack of power consciousness and lack of self-control are all emotional intelligence problems. Therefore, she strongly appeals to parents to "read children's growth characteristics like reading". In this book, a series of parenting tools are provided for parents to remind them of the positive or negative effects that "speaking" and "acting" may have at any time in their interaction with their children.

On the afternoon of August 27th, I was fortunate to be invited by Beijing Zitu Book Co., Ltd. to attend the "New Book Release and Expert Q&A Meeting" held in Xin Dong 'an Shopping Center with Li Muyue, editor-in-chief of Maternal and Infant Health, and Yao as special guests. At the meeting, parents raised many questions that puzzled them about the book's inspiration to parent-child early education and children's emotional intelligence.

Emotion is not a "behavior" that can be cultivated.

When the baby cried and gave him a bottle of milk, he immediately calmed down and sucked emotionally-it was hungry, and meeting its needs was the only feasible way.

However, it may be that a certain part of the body is uncomfortable, or because you can't see your mother? See someone who scares him? Don't want to lie in bed? In any case, if you can't meet his needs immediately, he will "cry for you"-crying, which may be accompanied by writhing hands and feet and facial expressions. What needs does he want to express? Even my mother often guesses wrong. This is because most of the time his needs are emotional problems.

Even if the baby can talk, there will be many emotional problems that parents can't understand every day, and he can't communicate effectively with his parents through language. When I say "effective communication" here, I don't just mean that my parents can't understand what he wants to express. More often, his parents' responses can't satisfy him, so the bad situation becomes worse. I am afraid that only parents who suffer from it can understand the meaning of this "deterioration": children become impatient, unwilling to accept their parents' kindness, unable to control their emotions, unable to tolerate the status quo and unable to bear any injustice. Parents all know that this is a problem of psychological quality, but how to change his psychological quality? Improve his positive mood? Every time parents try various methods, they end up in failure, so they have to use their killer weapon: yell loudly, wave and slap in the face, then walk away and make you cry. I was tired of crying, went to bed and woke up as if I had forgotten what had happened before. So is the world at peace? No, it's still an active volcano, and the intermission will be shorter and shorter.

Frankly speaking, most parents are "imbeciles" in dealing with their children's emotional development, so they gradually learn to "avoid the heavy and be light". For example, teaching children origami. Obviously it was "teaching", but it soon became a child waiting for death, and the mother became a "foundry". Most mothers are satisfied with this role-what are you busy with? As long as the child is happy. As a result, children who adapt to this interactive mode have lower and lower emotional intelligence.

In this way, isn't "improving children's emotional intelligence" a slogan?

Of course not. The psychological quality of young children can not rely on technical training, which does not mean "resignation". What parents can do-and only parents can do-is to improve children's "happiness" from the characteristics of their mental growth.

"Happiness" is a hotbed to improve the "emotional intelligence" of infants.

"Happiness" is not abstract at all. Describing in the simplest language is a feeling that children feel comfortable, safe and full of beautiful imagination in their interaction with their parents. This feeling makes him naturally eliminate negative emotions, and he can accept all the situations and changes in front of him with an open mind, which is the basis of his psychological quality stability.

This involves the concept and understanding of a dynamic process. In infants and young children, the concept of "happiness" is very simple, that is, "happiness, peace of mind and full of beautiful imagination", which is completely different from the understanding of adults. Many parents want to impose their pursuit of "happiness" on their children, so they try their best to give their children happiness according to their own ideas. This kind of "giving" is of course "the goods are not right" and cannot arouse children's interest. For children, for these "contributions" that have no personal experience and come out of thin air, they feel that they have nothing to do with themselves, and they do not feel it. Naturally, they will not cherish it. In other words, no matter how hard parents try and show great selfless love, children are not "happy".

Happiness is an internal and sustainable feeling, which must be a positive psychological activity and an experience of "thinking about the source when drinking water, knowing yourself when you are warm and cold", and you can't rely on paying. Now "self-feeling" is a good parent, always wandering in three "misunderstandings". What are the three misunderstandings?

First, meeting all children's needs is "love"

The needs of infants and young children are arbitrary, without a clear purpose and without knowing the consequences. Do parents who give everything they want love their children? Or are you just trying to muddle through? From the starting point, they love children, but from the result, there is no doubt that there are more opportunities to hurt children. Love is a double-edged sword. A new generation of parents got rid of authoritarian consciousness, but at the same time they entered another educational misunderstanding. This kind of "meeting all needs" is no less lethal to the development of emotional intelligence than stick education without asking right and wrong.

Second, psychological compensation.

The unpleasant experiences of childhood, the bumpy experiences on the road of growing up, the unfulfilled dreams, and all kinds of depression in my heart gradually converge to form a pressure that oppresses me to seek compensation from my children. This kind of psychological compensation has gradually formed two contradictory practices: on the one hand, it tries its best to crochet dreams on children and try its best to make them "happy", on the other hand, it worries about the future of children all the time, resulting in the psychology of "hating iron and not turning it into steel", which requires a lot of children and makes them more disciplined.

Third, OEM psychology.

I am very busy, whether because of the disorder of life or because of too many work and social activities, in short, I have no time to spend with my children. So I think I owe something to my children, so I will spare no effort to arrange everything for my children: various special courses and interest activities. Children should fuck what they like and fuck what they don't like. Are you completely concerned about your child's study and future development? I don't think so. The main purpose is to fill all my absence time and accompany my children to grow up instead of myself.

These three misunderstandings, no matter how much you step into, are not good for children's growth. Children not only can't enjoy happiness, but also inhibit or attack the development of emotional intelligence. When many parents find that "things backfire", have they figured out why they are doing bad things with good intentions?

So what should parents do to cultivate children's "happiness"? How can we improve children's emotional intelligence?

The process of happiness

Infants and young children lack life experience, unlike adults, any psychological quality training implemented on adults is ineffective for them. To put it another way: improving the emotional intelligence of infants is an interactive process of life and an inevitable result of emotional development. Happiness is a child's inner feeling, which can't be implanted, so the positive development of emotions can't rely on training. So, what should parents do to improve their children's psychological quality? Let children have higher emotional intelligence?

1. Meet the needs of children

"Satisfaction" should not be a conditional exchange behavior. There are three levels to meet the demand:

(1) responsive, belonging to the lowest degree of material satisfaction in parent-child relationship. Without plans and goals, satisfied people always feel dissatisfied;

2 emphasize spiritual satisfaction and make promises, but mainly deceive children, talk about it, and finally lose their trust;

③ Predictable satisfaction, that is, moderate satisfaction under delay. Keep your promise in exchange for the children's moderate needs.

The satisfaction of infants and young children is different in stages. From the initial desire to satisfy appetite, to satisfy the demand for play, and then to satisfy the desire for possession. However, their demands are not necessarily reasonable and feasible. For example, they love novelty and want to have it immediately when they see novelty toys, but they don't necessarily want to play, they don't necessarily know how to play and they don't necessarily suit them. The result of parents' responsiveness may lead to waste, danger and vanity, and what is more serious is the impact on emotional intelligence.

How to improve children's happiness while meeting their needs?

Parents must give correct guidance to their children's needs. For example, should we eat when we are hungry? Is it suitable for children's physique? Is it nutritious or junk food? Is it hygienic? Children usually don't consider these aspects, so parents must guide him to think, care and make appropriate choices. Good eating habits and proper food choices can ensure "meeting the demand". Similarly, the demand for toys depends on whether it is suitable for children's abilities, interests and security. Not to mention the demand under possessiveness or vanity, which will never be met, so it is inevitable that parents will give their children everything they want, and their psychological quality will get worse and worse.

2. Parents take timely and effective care.

Timidity, fear and panic when encountering strangers or accidents are not a problem for babies, but they cannot be ignored in the development of psychological quality. However, some parents attach too much importance to it and adopt active intervention training methods, which can not only solve the problem, but also cause the child's withdrawn and paranoid personality. In the family, parents are not only the "providers" and legal guardians of their children, but more importantly, they allow and accept their children's intimacy, coquetry, complaints, complaints and demands, not only acting as umbrellas, but also spiritual pillars. A word on weekdays, a smile, kindness and concern for children can free children from fear and feel that life is full of beauty.

Grace is just giving, asking for nothing in return; It is a natural behavior out of family affection. This concern is an expression of goodwill, which is different from indulgence. For example, when a child is embarrassed in front of strangers and tries to escape, parents will blame him and laugh at him? Or hug him, guide him to meet strangers in front of him, and encourage him to say hello to strangers? Similarly, when children are bullied or rejected by playmates, are they encouraged to fight back? Or communicate with each other calmly? Or argue with each other?

In the course of events, care should not only help children solve problems on the spot. From the process of improving children's happiness, if parents can guide their children to know more details of life in daily interactive dialogue, learn how to deal with emergencies calmly, and guide their children to establish a friendly and interactive social circle in a positive way, it will help them overcome their inner timidity and realize their desire of self-reliance in spirit and action. This process may be difficult, but it is an effective means to build happiness.

3. Feelings of love and care

Giving love is not only a verbal expression, but also an act of caring, rather than helping a child when he is in trouble and needs help. The difference between parent-child relationship and friends lies in the natural feedback of actions, and it can always be in place in time-when a child encounters setbacks or is in an unhappy mood, parents can immediately find out and forgive him, and whether the problem can be solved or not, this warm current can touch the child's heart, which is called "affectionate love and care".

Caring is an appropriate response to children's every move, which is passive and rational; Love, starting from the family, gives the baby a warm and soothing heart, which is active and emotional. Emotional and selfless love makes parents close and understands the baby's needs; Rational care and feedback allow parents to advance and retreat, and will not be perfunctory. Only when the two aspects go hand in hand can the parent-child relationship be harmonious. Many family education experts emphasize that "love should be said loudly", which is influenced by western parenting education. They think that hugging parents and saying "I love you" loudly every morning and evening can promote parent-child relationship. But if there is no chain of affectionate love and care between parents and children, "I love you" will become a mere formality.

It must be emphasized that the feelings of love and care are two-way, parents' guidance lays the foundation, and children's feedback can form an endless cycle. Tired when I came home from work, the child next to me said, "Mom, you are so tired!" " ! Come on, I'll hit you in the waist! "How will you feel at this time? This is the feeling of love and care. Will you feel happier? So are the children.

4. Trust and dependence

Many people know that it is important to give children a sense of security, but what can be done to build children's sense of security? I'm afraid every parent has a different understanding. Some people emphasize technical support, while others advocate material security. However, in the sense of infants, all this will not be concerned. He is concerned about whether the trust and dependence given to him by his parents are reliable.

Although the quarrel between the two couples did not reach the level of smashing pots and pans, in the childish mind of the child, trust and dependence have been shaken, and the original happiness has been shattered in an instant. There will be more than one hard word if you fix it later!

In the eyes of children, the mother is the sea, which can bear all the tears and laughter; Dad is a high mountain, which can stop the storm. Trust promotes dependence. For infants, dependence is the guarantee of spiritual growth. Don't take this sense of dependence and independence as opposites: with parents, a child's self-confidence will emerge, and he can explore himself and find his own kingdom.

From this perspective, how to make children feel trust? How to make children feel that they can be trusted? This is absolutely impossible to guarantee both technically and materially. At the same time, trust and dependence are also two-way, making children feel that you trust him and know that you can't live without him will also enhance his happiness. When some parents are dissatisfied with their children's performance, or when their children are upset, they will make irresponsible remarks and rashly say things that blame and dislike their children. This situation is the most fatal to the development of children's emotional intelligence! When happiness is gone, all a child can have is a fragile heart. Then what else can he talk about psychological quality?

5. Psychological support system

It is definitely a good thing that children have many ideas. Curious, I want to explore and experience everything by myself. The biggest danger is not safety, but the possibility of failure at any time. In order to save trouble, most parents will interfere with their children's independent activities or even obstruct them unreasonably. On the contrary, some parents simply "teach" everything to their children, so that they can get a "perfect ending" immediately.

In the process of imperfect tempering, children need to pursue perfection in person. He needs an open space and can gallop freely, so the value lies in the process. Give the child an "imperfect" living space, give him the opportunity to think and try to change the status quo, and give him the experience of facing setbacks and solving problems independently. Many parents can't bear to do this, but it is really supporting and assisting their children to develop their psychological quality-happiness comes from a sense of accomplishment, and being able to face a setback is an achievement. Judging from the child's growth years, not depriving the child of the opportunity to try is to give the greatest support.

However, this is a big risk. After all, children's ability is limited, and the blow of repeated setbacks is definitely unbearable. It's normal for parents to look at the past. So what can be done to give children the greatest happiness? The "helicopter mother" in the mouth of British and American educators is a negative example, which is certainly not desirable. But we can still build a "psychological support system" for children. Let the children have this belief: "It doesn't matter, when there is a problem, mom and dad will help me solve it!" "Maybe some parents have had the experience that when a child is doing an activity, he can't help but intervene when he sees that he is always doing something wrong. Children will get angry immediately and even protest by giving up. Why is this? Because he thinks things haven't developed to "problem time".

Give yourself room to work hard. When there is a problem, mom and dad will lend a helping hand. This is the happiest thing for children.

Gain the appreciation of parents.

Appreciation has two meanings: one is to express support for an action, and the other is to affirm the achievement of an action or idea.

Many parents understand "appreciation" as "praise" All the words are "awesome" and "really smart", but in fact they don't appreciate the performance of children.

Appreciation is an affirmation of behavior or exploration process, and an effort to accept children with common feelings. When children feel that what they have done is appreciated by their parents, they will strengthen their confidence and make unremitting efforts. This is the foundation of emotional stability and anti-frustration ability.

Just praising children's achievements will make children keen on performance, which is not only bad for children's study, but also a curse for their psychological quality development. Why? In order to get praise, blind pursuit of achievements, poor learning, more and more opportunities for failure, often in a state of suffering, emotional intelligence will be lower and lower.

Parents must remember: don't always praise their children's achievements, but pay more attention to their efforts. If a child does something, even if he fails, you can always find that he still has a bright spot to appreciate in the whole process, so affirm this bright spot and let him still enjoy the joy of success. Of course, at the same time, we should also point out some factors of failure, but it must be emphasized that it is impossible for you to understand and believe that you will succeed in changing the practice next time, which is also a great gain. If things are done perfectly, while appreciating some highlights, we should also leave room to point out some places that can be done better, so that children can have a good imagination of the future. Looking forward to the future is also a source of happiness.

I say happiness, not directly talking about the steps or methods to improve emotional intelligence, for only one reason: the emotional intelligence development of infants is the crystallization of wisdom.