A couple, because they love to get married, will try to win each other's favor by hiding their evil and publicizing their good if they don't have to be honest with each other during their love period. If this kind of love is mature, it will have bad consequences. Often after marriage, I think the birthright of both parties has been determined and the relationship between husband and wife has been guaranteed; So the concept of restraining yourself and winning the favor of the other party has changed. Everywhere is very casual, thinking that there is no need for respect and courtesy between husband and wife, but respect and courtesy are hypocritical masks. I don't know what couples need most is respect and courtesy. If you don't understand the other person's concern, blame him for his trouble. Don't praise the other person's modesty and say that she is modest. If you are impolite, you will try to restrain each other to accommodate yourself. Gradually, each other exposed all the bad places without scruple, and as a result, they were tired for a long time and only felt sick of each other. Just like the Buddha said' I hate my wife' in the Infinite Life Sutra and' I don't like to meet my husband' in the Jade Girl Sutra. Hate each other, so the feelings of both sides turned to rupture, and even led to an unfortunate tragedy. So, how can we ensure the lifelong happiness of husband and wife? Then, following the teachings of the Buddha, we need to pay attention to and cultivate two points: the harmony of one word and the patience of the other.
The sum of (1) tones.
The Buddha said,' If you talk about harmony, there is nothing against hostility'. This is an element of the spiritual life between husband and wife. Both sides can speak softly and often smile on their faces. Can feelings still be illegal? Understanding between husband and wife is very important. If you refuse to understand and blame each other, then words and colors can't be reconciled. Blame is a stone that breaks feelings. Tiantai people have a proverb:' Listen to your ears'. Accusations will cause the other person's ill feelings, thinking that you are belittling him and laughing at him. Then it is rebuttal, or it is angry from embarrassment. We are angry with each other. Isn't that asking for trouble? If the other person is wrong, don't be honest when you want to correct him; We should put forward our opinions euphemistically in a tone of consultation. If the other person has advantages, give sincere appreciation and praise, and praise often. The Hua Yan Jing says,' Always make smooth language, soft language, and those who like it will listen to it. Those who are good at it will be popular, and those who are elegant will be in Athens'. Don't make' harsh language, bitter language, language that he hates, such as burning his heart, can ruin his body language'. When we talk and spit, we should always look at ourselves and not hurt each other.
"Practice" is to modify wrong ideas, words and behaviors. If you decide to practice, you must first modify the words, starting with the word "let". If we can achieve this step, the couple's life will always be in the warm spring breeze.
(2) forbearance.
Patience needs to be cultivated. When the other party is very angry, I should ask him not to argue with him for the time being, and if necessary, go out to avoid the front until the other party's anger is eliminated, and Yan Di told him that the concession just now was not to show weakness in the argument, but to avoid family discord. This is the art of royal couples, combining rigidity with softness. Perseverance, the other side is unmoved. There is a good chance to apply the principle that' softness can overcome rigidity'.
Also, whenever the other person is angry and curses, you should remember the words of the Buddha:' There are two kinds of curses: one is true and the other is empty. If (what the other party said) is true, I should be ashamed. If (the other party) says (yes) is false, it's like noise, like the wind, which is harmless to me and should be tolerated. Therefore, people who can do "no crime" will not only reduce their anger, but also realize that families can be harmonious only if they are easily influenced by me.
(3) Couples are like chopsticks.
Is Buddhism against marriage? Of course not. However, Buddhism does praise the merits of becoming a monk, which does not mean that people who believe in Buddhism should not all become monks. In fact, Buddhism flourished in the Tang and Song Dynasties, and we can see many descriptions of the family life of lay people from the written records, pictures or sculptures in Dunhuang Grottoes. After the Song and Yuan Dynasties, Buddhism gradually disappeared in the mountains and was isolated from the world, which led to the wrong idea that Buddhism belongs only to monks. Many parents will be very worried about their children becoming monks if they find that they are close to Dojo and mage. Actually, it's not entirely true! Becoming a monk is not passive escape, only a few people are suitable for becoming a monk and getting married.
Being prepared for danger in times of peace is the foundation of Buddhism. When Sakyamuni Buddha was alive, he attached great importance to family life and how to treat each other between husband and wife, parents and children. There are even classics about getting pregnant and having children after marriage. For example, both The Good Life Classic and The Jade Girl Classic have clear ethical principles for parents and children. China and Afghan classics 135 also clearly point out: "A husband should provide his wife with five kinds of love and respect." A wife should respect her husband with thirteen things. He also said: if a man is kind to his wife, he will get something, but he can't donate it. Therefore, Buddhism is not isolated from the world.
There is a metaphor that is very vivid. The status of husband and wife should be the same as chopsticks, and the length should be appropriate. Chopsticks are roughly the same length and relatively independent of each other, so are husband and wife. Equality between men and women is the fundamental factor to maintain a happy family. However, some people rely on their own superior conditions to be overbearing or violent ... Obviously, it is difficult for male chauvinism, female chauvinism and the superior relationship between husband and wife to have a happy marriage.
Husband and wife should help each other like chopsticks and have the same goal. Chopsticks can only be' harvested' if they cooperate tacitly. A harmonious relationship between husband and wife depends on common interests. Fly with me. Therefore, emotional understanding, understanding in life, mutual comfort before setbacks and mutual encouragement in career … should be indispensable between husband and wife. Only by sharing weal and woe and working together can the' crossbar' of love continue to rise.
Husband and wife should be as hot and cold as chopsticks, sharing weal and woe. Chopsticks are not afraid of high temperature and cold, but they can accept ups and downs. So should a harmonious relationship between husband and wife.
Husband and wife should alternate with Fiona Fang like chopsticks and be resourceful. This is because chopsticks are round on the top and round on the bottom, which makes our techniques flexible. When husband and wife get along, they also need such' Fiona Fang' art; Adhere to the principle, at the same time, be willing to appreciate and praise each other, not demanding each other's shortcomings; Be good at adapting to each other and don't try to' reform' each other. It's about improving yourself.
Husband and wife are like chopsticks. May all lovers be like this.
(4) Have the skills to resolve family conflicts.
Living at home, there is no spoon that does not touch the bowl. After the emergence of family conflicts, if you don't consider words and deeds and occasions, or even take some simple, rude and radical actions, it will not only hurt the feelings of husband and wife, but also intensify the contradictions. Therefore, solving family conflicts should also pay attention to skills and artistry.
One is to avoid. Solve family conflicts and don't hurt feelings and the other person's self-esteem. Not only should we avoid using fists and fists, but we should also avoid using words that hurt our feelings greatly, such as' divorce'. At the same time, we should also pay attention to the occasion and try to avoid others.
The second is slow. Because both husband and wife are angry, if they are eager to solve it at this time, there will inevitably be a "war" of "dying under the roof", which will do great harm to both sides. Therefore, the best way is to put up with it first, slow down, put aside contradictions or problems for the time being, and then choose a suitable way or opportunity to solve them after calming down.
The third is choice. Choosing the right time and place is more conducive to solving contradictions and achieving the expected purpose and effect. For example, in a harmonious atmosphere, both sides are in a relaxed state of mind, easy to tolerate, easy to make concessions, easy to understand and easy to communicate.
The fourth is around. Avoid the topic, with the help of the topic that the other party is willing to talk about, moderately extend, play, beat about the bush, inspire and induce, express their views implicitly and euphemistically, and express their intentions.
The fifth is laughter. Use witty and humorous language and behavior to eliminate the rebellious psychology, hostility and resistance of the other party, make them smile through tears, create a harmonious atmosphere in laughter, create a relaxed mentality, and let the contradictions naturally fade and reconcile.