A mother said: "My husband and I rarely have conflicts, but we often quarrel about the education of our children. We have a good relationship as a whole and seldom quarrel. We can easily agree on many things, even if we can't agree, we can give in to each other, but we often quarrel because of our children, sometimes very badly. On the issue of educating children, I think children are too young to be disciplined so severely. He believes that children should be strictly disciplined, and we often have conflicts over this. Sometimes you will be disappointed if you quarrel too much. He is stubborn and won't listen to my advice. Because the controversy over educating children hurts my feelings. Now we both sleep in separate beds. We haven't lived together for a long time. I am very worried that children will have problems in this environment. "
The formation of parental rearing patterns is related to parents' own growth background. After we become parents, we unconsciously become parents' education, and the way we are treated as children automatically becomes the way we educate our children. In today's information explosion, media, videos, articles, experts, relatives and so on. Are mixed up with our children's education. Even some opinions are contrary, which will interfere with our judgment. Parenting style is like a math problem. Your parenting style = your birth family parenting style+your growth experience+your education+the current mainstream parenting education values+expert guidance+the chatter of relatives and friends in the class circle. When men and women from two different families with different belief value systems get to know each other, know each other and love each other, and then enter the marriage hall and have children, this family is formed. So your family's parenting style = your parenting style+your husband's parenting style, so it's so lively to see this math problem, not to mention the colorful parenting scene.
I believe that parents' initial heart, love and thoughts are good for raising children, but they lack some systematic methods. So how can we avoid the quarrel between husband and wife because of educating their children? The seven suggestions shared today are also seven ways to establish a United front between husband and wife and obtain a harmonious relationship between husband and wife.
First, it is normal to know that the concept of husband and wife's upbringing is inconsistent.
Husband and wife are independent individuals, from two different family backgrounds and personal growth experiences. Everyone has his own belief value system of "should", "shouldn't", "reasonable" and "unreasonable". Therefore, it is natural that educational concepts are inconsistent, and there is no need to go to the height of three views.
Second, husband and wife are teammates standing on the United front.
When a husband and wife are arguing about the discipline of their children, they suddenly feel that we are two opposing sides in a battle, and both of us are desperately trying to win this battle to prove that I am right. But in the end, even if you are proved right, will you really feel happy in the dead of night? Husband and wife stand on the United front, just like a boat, paddling hard in one direction and finally reaching the river bank. But an argument is like a person holding an oar, one rowing east and the other rowing west. They all looked hard, but the boat did not move, let alone the river bank. For example, when the father is disciplining the child, the mother comes out to protect him, causing the child to waver between husband and wife, or taking advantage of the loopholes. Don't say what you can say to your father, what you can say to your mother, and what you can say to your mother. Use your father as a shield for the time being, and then take refuge in your mother. In this way, children's ability to observe words and observe colors is particularly strong, and the rules and family rules formulated by parents can't be implemented. Children always look for the more favorable one between their parents.
When there is conflict in front of children, let them see that you support each other and agree, which can play a good demonstration role in front of children. Don't try to be right just because you want to save face, and then attack each other in a rage, but forget what your child's problem is at most. Therefore, when educating children, if you and your lover are in the same boat and have the same sailing goal, take your children in the same direction and travel to the destination.
Third, understand where the lover's concept of discipline comes from.
Then since we are married to him, we should know what his values and beliefs are. The contradiction between husband and wife due to child-rearing is only the fuse, and the real reason lies in their strangeness. It seems that you now have an adult body and live in an adult world, but you will extract ideas from the values formed as a child to solve the current problems. Then husband and wife should know each other, and this part of their beliefs, such as his attitude towards money, his belief in children, his belief in friends, how to treat his wife, how to treat love, how to treat work and so on. This is a belief value system rooted in him, and also comes from the influence of his family background. If your beliefs have many similarities, the couple will experience fewer conflicts. If there are many different parts, there will be conflicts. The terrible thing is that they are in conflict, because this part comes from the subconscious, and they may not realize it, or even think that the other party is deliberately embarrassing you.
For example, the husband doesn't allow his children to talk while eating and becomes a strict father, which may come from the way his parents treated him when he was a child. He's just repeating his parents' pattern. If we see these beliefs, you will find that they are like a princess's sleeping spell broken by a prince's kiss. These beliefs will be gradually lifted, so that we can reach an understanding on this matter and gain spiritual freedom. Therefore, listening and communication are good ways to keep husband and wife close. It is suggested that you must listen to the Master of Communication by the Dean in June and learn the art of communication between husband and wife.
Fourth, two people privately agreed to remind.
That is, when you two have conflicts of opinion, don't quarrel in front of the children. Children will feel that he caused the quarrel between their parents and will affect their sense of security. In fact, we all understand this truth, but it is actually very difficult to do it, because in the marathon running of raising children, we can't keep a good mood and control the emotions we need to vent, so this sentence looks easy and it is really difficult to do.
Therefore, when two people are in a good mood and can communicate well, that is, at ordinary times, they should make an agreement calmly. When there is a conflict in the agreement, when one party is emotional, the other party will hold his breath and not play tricks on him. When the wife is in a bad mood, the husband should try to be tolerant and give support. Because emotions are contagious, there are "mirror neurons" in our brains, which easily resonate with emotions, so timely and effective reminders and pauses are very important. If you don't consciously perceive and remind yourself, you are likely to be carried away by the anger of the other party.
Fifth, reach a consensus and find a solution to the problem. Reaching a consensus is to find a solution to the problem through discussion, rather than insisting that you have to listen to me.
For example, your lover is very strict with children and always finds fault with them. Whether at the dinner table or when helping children with their homework, the atmosphere at home will be very depressed or strong. You know that parents should educate their children, but you don't think it's appropriate for parents to criticize their children like this, so you can't stop them in front of them. But don't bring this up until you two are comfortably in bed. You can first express your understanding of the way to discipline children, and at the same time agree that he did it because he had to, and calmly discuss how to better educate children. When everyone can express their ideas freely, then we can explore the most appropriate way of discipline that both sides agree with, and then Qi Xin will work together on the United front.
Sixth, the division of powers and responsibilities of discipline.
In fact, regarding family education and discipline, it is suggested that two people should prioritize according to their respective professional abilities and time and energy. In other words, if one owner is responsible, another person can cooperate and support it. You can't say both. Just like when playing a game, is there one person who is the main attack and one person who is the assistant? Divide responsibilities and prioritize. Once the priorities are determined, the person in charge of children can't say rudely, look, you don't love children, you don't care about children, I care. If it is necessary to adjust after reaching a consensus, the husband and wife can negotiate again.
In our family, I have been studying psychology and family education courses for so many years. Husband doesn't read much, and he doesn't like reading at ordinary times. Every time he picks up a book and reads it for a while, he begins to fall asleep, so this book becomes his pillow and helps him fall asleep. I tried to persuade him many times, but he had no time or interest. Even if he has time, his interest is practicing calligraphy and skipping rope downstairs. But I am very supportive of my study and I like listening to my nagging. I said you let me say, I'm not a tutor. Three days of class, I can't talk to you for three days. Besides, I don't advise my daughter-in-law to talk so much to this husband every day. He said it's no problem to listen to you. You are very wise.
So this has caused that in our family, the education of children is mainly done by me, and my husband is more of a coordinator and executor of policies. Therefore, it is unlikely that there will be contradictions and conflicts between us because of the inconsistent concept of educating children. Especially when we are immersed in the course "Heart Times", the educational ideas we accept are the same. He listened to the dean's words and wanted to establish a United front between husband and wife. He hated children arguing with me and encouraged them to encourage me. In addition, after her mother-in-law died for many years, her parents lived comfortably at home and didn't live with us, so we didn't live with the elderly, so there was no inconsistency between the two generations in their educational concepts. These two children were brought up by my husband and wife. In our family, the right and responsibility of discipline are well divided.
Therefore, it is suggested that couples soak in the same set of courses, which is conducive to maintaining more consistent educational concepts and consistent educational concepts. For example, when we see a child crying, we have all learned it in practice class, which is understood as the process of coaxing the child to solve it; Then the child is wronged at school, and we think of using the process of anti-grievance; When children play with mobile phones, you can understand that you need to be consistent with your belief in mobile phones; When I need physical space layout, I understand the importance of cleaning the whole family; Therefore, it is better for couples to grow up in the same set of courses, so it is easier to reach an educational consensus.
Seventh, enjoy the children's growing time together.
Being a parent is a long and great project, and the process is very long, as if there is no end except the day when you close your eyes. Especially for parents in China, it is our traditional habit to take care of the next generation by the older generation, which is really a lifelong concern. So since this is such a process, we will slow down, have a heart waiting for the children to grow up and progress slowly, and be a gentle and firm anchor at home to accompany the children to grow up slowly.
Because of the problem of children's growth, you will find all kinds. If you are always in this state of anxiety, it seems difficult to enjoy this time with your children. But in a flash, it may be more than ten years. Twenty years later, you will find that children may grow up one day. In our opinion, this kind of life goes on day by day, but for others, they will exclaim, "Wow, the child has grown so big!" " "Maybe when you look back again, you will find yourself unconsciously the child is a teenager. It looks long, but it's actually quite short. So in this process, we should try to relax and relax.
Therefore, we only need more life wisdom to see this stage of life transparently. We need to learn wisdom to improve our cognition and have strong psychological energy to deal with raising children.